And the breadcrumbs continue

[marky00]

4 days ago I got a message from my Ex saying:

 

 

"Mark, how have you been?"

 

 

This was after 5 months of NC.

 

 

Today, I get this message:

 

 

"Happy New Years 2017, wishing you have a good life and happiness"

 

 

Now, to me this second message gives more insight what is going on here. It sounds like she is a little angry because that message has an air of finality to it. It almost feels like she wasn't happy being ignored, so she thought she would try and dump me again, even though she has already done that 2 times.

 

 

If the first message was at all sincere, I don't think she would have resorted to sending this rather "final" message just a few days later.

 

 

I just don't get it but. She ghosted me like 5 months ago. What ego boost to you get from somebody you spat out 3 times? Is she a narcissist?

 

 

When I say she ghosted me, well it wasn't quite like that. I noticed she started making a few negative comments and she started not responding to some of my message so back then I asker her jokingly if she was alive, she replied with just a "yes" and I then said "ok, that's good" and disappeared.

 

 

So, is this just all about the fact that it bothers her that I have appeared to move on somewhat and have decided to not respond to messages where the motivation is unclear.

 

 

There was NC for 5 months both ways and now this. I really feel that last message was to have a go at me. I say that because many years ago when I broke it of for a while she sent me an e-mail that said "Have a good life". That email shook me to the core in that it was so final and yet we had only been broken up for 2 days. I feel like this is a very similar tone, only it was wrapped up in a "fake" nice message. It's a Trojan horse

 

 

You guys agree?

 

 

P.S. I haven't responded to these messages

Edited January 1, 2017 by marky00

[mg4514]

I think your analysis is spot-on. The only adjective I would add is that she seems very immature.

 

You've replied to many of my posts about breadcrumbs. It seems we have this in common. I really wish I understood the thought process-and-do they know they're doing it? Is it a conscious, malicious thing? Or are they not even aware they are doing it because it is the fabric of their personality?

[Blanco]

I think you have to ask what your end game is. Being familiar with your story, I don't really think many people would think that would entail wanting this woman back, but we're not you, so only you can answer that question.

 

Personally, you've told us enough that I think this woman would never be a safe bet for anything long-lasting. She has already hurt you many times before. There's that whole thing about the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. But again, this is something only you can decide.

 

Me? I would consider blocking her means of communication. She has already hurt you before, and now she's eating away at value time and head space by reaching out to you.

[Nadine123]

I agree with Blanco. It's a new year, block her and continue moving on with your life or do you want this to carry on this year too?

 

best of luck

[DarrenB]

I empathize for your entire saga with this girl, but you've already acknowledged that it's basically her just trying to regain some presence and relevance in your life... Why are you allowing this to continue? Surely if you were in a genuine mindset where you wanted to eradicate all feelings and emotions for this girl, then she wouldn't be able to contact you, anywhere, period. From everything that has transpired, it's safe to say that she is most definitely a narcissist.

 

Anyway, cliche as it is: new year, new start. Do you really want something to persist into an entire new year which has already caused you so much distress and burdening?

 

It's about time to end the nonsense all together, failing to do so will simply mean recurrence of the distress, false hope and burdening. Leave her in the past and you will be 100% content with yourself. I say that with all the confidence.

[marky00]

I think you have to ask what your end game is.

 

I don't have one, probably because too much uncertainty.

 

 

I think my reason might be that I feel like with me, the breakup occurred as what I would call a "perfect storm". Yes my coping skills could have been better but I just feel like I was being hit from all angles in life and that turned me into a somewhat clingy person in the relationship that otherwise would not have occurred.

 

 

Its not about be not having enough value in myself. I guess it just disappoints me that this was the first woman that I can honestly say at one point I considered marriage (and I know she did too) but that idea never came into fruition, mainly as a result of the external events mentioned above.

 

 

I guess you could say its a fantasy of mine to see how things would work out with the better version of me and the fact that since the breakup I have created a life for myself where I have less responsibilities (no pets etc, wound down my work responsibilities).

 

 

But what has always held me back is it this can't really work unless she was to drop the image she has of me (at least the one towards the end of the relationship). Maybe that has slowly started to happen, hence the contact.

 

 

But Blanco, in your responses you seem to be suggesting that maybe this isn't just breadcrumbs and possibly something more substantial. Or am I getting you wrong?

 

 

Because of being burned so much, my self-respect demands not falling for it again, which is why I am treating all messages with great suspicion. But at the same time, I might as well get opinions as to whether my suspicions are correct.

 

 

When I don't have feelings for someone, I leave them alone because I know that me contacting them just hurts them and I also know that long-term I'm not likely to have the desire to try very much so I don't contact at all.

 

 

So for me, this idea of someone spitting someone out like trash several times but then somehow seeking validation of some sort later makes no sense to me. I just can't get my head around it.

Edited January 2, 2017 by marky00

[basil67]

If she is the terrible narcissist which you believe she is, why haven't you blocked her? It seems like you're purposely allowing drama into your life.

[Nadine123]

lol she's not seeking validation at all. She's either bored or looking for an ego boost. simple.

 

stop making things bigger than they are. As basil said, it seems like you are purposely allowing drama in your life. Since you have worked on your self-respect which is great, you should have to blocked her ages ago.

 

Just block her and drop it. No need to analyze everything. If you arent planning on going back to her then why do you care why she is doing what she's doing?

 

 

I guess you could say its a fantasy of mine to see how things would work out with the better version of me and the fact that since the breakup I have created a life for myself where I have less responsibilities (no pets etc, wound down my work responsibilities).

 

I hope you're joking.

Edited January 2, 2017 by Nadine123
forgot to add something

[marky00]

lol she's not seeking validation at all. She's either bored or looking for an ego boost. simple.

 

Nadine

 

 

Seeking an ego boost or breaking boredom is usually done via validation of some type. They are one and the same thing.

 

 

I'm not playing on words. I assumed she wanted me to respond to her message, which requires validation.

 

 

I'm not hoping or twisting things, trying to look at it logically.

[Nadine123]

Sure, but seeking validation because she's bored is different from seeking validation because she wants to be with you.

 

You still havent answered out question, why didnt you block her until now?

[marky00]

Sure, but seeking validation because she's bored is different from seeking validation because she wants to be with you.

 

You still havent answered out question, why didnt you block her until now?

 

 

 

The validation she may be seeking for instance might be she wants to know she can still get a rise out of me etc.

 

And Yes, I didn't make the post on the premise she wanted me back.

 

 

Actually, I have answered that elsewhere. Plain and simple, after being ghosted in the manner I was, I was certain I would never hear from her again. Are you expecting to hear from your Ex?

[marky00]

After an almost 10 relationship, I guess it felt right to watch things unfold in the way I expected it to (as a learning experience if nothing else).

[Blanco]

But Blanco, in your responses you seem to be suggesting that maybe this isn't just breadcrumbs and possibly something more substantial. Or am I getting you wrong?

 

I'm not her, so I can't speak definitively what her intentions are. What I was getting at is that, assuming this was her trying to lay the groundwork for yet another reconciliation, is this even something you really want or should want to explore?

 

That's something only you can answer. Just based on what you've said about her in your threads over the years, I know what my answer would be. I would probably find it a bit flattering, but would hope to have the strength to look at the big picture and make my decision from there.

 

In this case, the big picture is that she has left you a couple of times already, and it seems like it's possible she views you as a safe haven when another relationship of hers goes south.

 

I'm not sure I would want to waste even more time allowing someone to filter in and out of my life as they please, especially when it's in a long-distance context.

[basil67]

>>"Happy New Years 2017, wishing you have a good life and happiness"<<

 

Have you considered that she put no thought into it at all? She might have copied exactly the same message to two dozen people. I know most of the messages I received said much the same thing.

[Logo]

Anything is possible with breadcrumbs. Since only you know the person intimately more than anyone else here, you have to decide.

 

I have found that my gut has yet to fail me after I got to know the real person that my ex is or was.

 

At some point, their behavior becomes too predictable.

 

My emotions tell me one thing, but my gut and brain tell me something else. So I go with the latter.

[marky00]

>>"Happy New Years 2017, wishing you have a good life and happiness"<<

 

Have you considered that she put no thought into it at all? She might have copied exactly the same message to two dozen people. I know most of the messages I received said much the same thing.

 

3 days before that, she specifically asked how I was doing.

 

 

The NYE message sounded more like a disgruntled message whereby since I didn't reply to her first message, she decided to send a closed message not requiring a reply.

 

 

That's what my gut says but I guess you can never know for sure.

[marky00]

I'm not her, so I can't speak definitively what her intentions are. What I was getting at is that, assuming this was her trying to lay the groundwork for yet another reconciliation, is this even something you really want or should want to explore?

 

 

 

 

Its like the chicken and the egg Blanco.

 

 

With all that has happened I don't think I would even allow myself to seriously entertain a reconciliation until I felt her motivations were from a better place.

 

 

I know my mistakes and I know I have made some changes accordingly but as of yet I have not to see the changes I would like to see in her.

 

 

My gut told me I would never hear from her again and now my gut is saying I still don't think her intentions are good so where does that leave me. Confused I guess.

[Blanco]

Its like the chicken and the egg Blanco.

 

 

With all that has happened I don't think I would even allow myself to seriously entertain a reconciliation until I felt her motivations were from a better place.

 

 

I know my mistakes and I know I have made some changes accordingly but as of yet I have not to see the changes I would like to see in her.

 

 

My gut told me I would never hear from her again and now my gut is saying I still don't think her intentions are good so where does that leave me. Confused I guess.

 

So my takeaway is that you've used this failed relationship as an impetus to address issues with yourself that will benefit you, regardless if you're with this woman or not. That's great. That should be one of the goals coming out of any relationship: Learn and apply.

 

I found myself in a similar situation with my last relationship. I knew after she took up with someone else and accelerated the relationship to mimic many aspects of our relationship that I would never realistically be able to rekindle any lasting relationship with her.

 

It took quite a while after that realization, but with that in mind, I finally cut off her periodic reappearances by blocking her number. It wasn't easy, but knowing how hearing from her negatively affected me, despite knowing that I did not want a relationship with her again, it was my only realistic recourse.

[marky00]

So got some more crumbs yesterday.

 

 

Message reads:

 

 

"Hey Mark, how have you been?, How's life going?"

 

 

This time, the message came in via a social media app. The message is very similar (almost identical) to an sms that was sent about 7 weeks ago. Maybe she thought I didn't read the sms due to being overseas (I was overseas but was already back before she sent the first round of crumbs)?

 

 

Right now, I feel somewhat conflicted as how I should proceed. When I ignored the first round of crumbs, I initially felt comfortable with that decision, but as time went on I started to feel like the "what ifs" were appearing and I started to wonder if I'd have regrets down the line and then be the one to break NC, which would be a far worse scenario.

 

 

Anyway, once I got past her Bday and Valentines day in Feb, I put the issue to bed for a while until she messages me yesterday. So here I am once again facing the exact dilemma and wondering if I should handle it differently this time.

 

 

Her message does in part sound genuine BUT what continues to bother me is how all the risk falls back on me. It's like she wants to know what's in my head but not tell me what's in hers. She should be the one telling me how she has been and how her life has been, why should it matter to her how my life is since she was the one who dumped.

 

 

It gets weirder but. I happened to be browsing on the social media app the day before she contacted. Saw her profile and it had some status message saying something along the lines of "the happiest moments of my life are when you are by my side". Now, I assumed that message related to her new love interest (whoever that is). Or possibly they broke up (again) and that's a post-mortem reflective moment. I say that because maybe a month prior I saw a message saying something like "don't leave me alone" or something similar.

 

 

She would know it's possible I saw these things because about 3 weeks ago, I uploaded some new pics to my profile (first time in about a year or so).

 

 

But when she messaged me yesterday, she removed her profile message (of course). But I had already read it the day before

 

 

I can't wrap my head around what is happening here. She did some absolutely horrendous stuff, I gave what she wanted, been NC for almost 8 months and so I just don't understand what is motivating the messages.

 

 

My first thought was the guilt has finally set in, especially if she is very happy in a new relationship and might just want to make peace with all her horrible behaviour. But then I am thinking, hang on, anyone in the right mind understands that if you breakup with someone and you hurt them badly but over time you realise you still care for them and want the best for them, you would NOT DARE CONTACT THEM, unless it was something that could potentially benefit them (such as a reconciliation etc). Yes, she has shown to be a cruel and selfish person but everyone is human (even her) and so if she has started to see the error in her ways, why would she do the exact opposite and make more errors by contacting me out of selfishness?

 

 

So, if we were to presume she isn't pure evil and not just trying to make herself feel better, what are her motivations here then?

 

 

I've actually been casually seeing someone new and meeting her on a holiday next month so it's not like I'm in total despair over this but the history with my Ex is very long with a huge amount of emotional and financial investment so it will always bug me on some level.

 

 

On the one hand, I want to remain NC but on the other hand, I don't like the festering "what-ifs" and worry about the scenario of deciding to break NC myself months down the line once she stops sending the crumbs.

 

 

A part of me just want to send a neutral message like "life is alright, thankyou" and then just leave it be. If she responds, I may get some more answers. Then again, sending the neutral message kind of bothers me because that's not really how I feel. I don't feel neutral, my state of mind regarding her right now is a combination of some disgust combined with some curiosity.

 

 

If I am going to respond, I'd like to do it soon because after more than a few days, responding is probably going to look a bit weird.

 

 

My final question. Assuming, God forbid, I ever entertained a reconciliation with this woman is me ignoring all these reach-outs totally snuffing out that possibility?

 

 

Not saying I would definitely go back but I did love her for ages and I didn't want the relationship to end so it feels weird that I should now be somewhat complicit in putting the final nail in the coffin.

Edited February 22, 2017 by marky00

[Cookies101]

Could you take her by surprise Marky, and give her a phone call, with the purpose of getting to the bottom of the reason for her messages?

 

The way that i see these messages is her dipping her toe into the water to see if it's still warm. I think that any response from you, regardless of the content, will indicate the water is still 'warm' in her eyes.

[marky00]

Could you take her by surprise Marky, and give her a phone call, with the purpose of getting to the bottom of the reason for her messages?

 

The way that i see these messages is her dipping her toe into the water to see if it's still warm. I think that any response from you, regardless of the content, will indicate the water is still 'warm' in her eyes.

 

 

I don't think I want tot call.

 

 

I kind of just had an epiphany moment and concluded I could just send a message saying the following :

 

 

"what is the reason for you messaging me?"

 

 

I'm not going to expose myself to a situation where I have nothing to gain from it. By sending the above message, the chances of some curiosity being put to bed may eventuate.

 

 

And if she responds along the line she was just worried about me (i.e. she is contacting out of pure selfishness), I would respond by "no need to worry about me, thankyou" and go back to full NC.

 

 

I just think a neutral message extends the period of confusion and what-ifs and doesn't achieve much.

 

 

If all the LS community was to say she is just contacting out of guilt, I would not respond but I suspect some of you will see some other angles to it, as have I.

[MeadowFlower]

My 'vote' is not to respond to the message, unless it is along the lines of the message you suggested in your last post. Straight to the point, no mucking around. Like seriously, she dumped you, you're not available to her to just chat. It would probably be hard to outright say she wanted reconciliation (if she does) but she can be more direct if she really wants that.

Edited February 22, 2017 by MeadowFlower

[marky00]

The bit that's really blowing my mind is she is either in a relationship or pining over a recent breakup.

 

 

If I knew she was single and had been for some time, I would feel more comfortable messaging back.

 

 

If I was in a happy relationship or getting over a recent heartache, I definitely would not reach out to an Ex from the past that I dumped.

 

 

It just gets frustrating when my mind can't get close to understanding such behaviour.

[SoThatHappened]

If she were blocked, you wouldn't be dealing with this right now.

 

If she wanted you back, she needs to tell you.

 

Ignore, delete, block. Move on

[chix]

My gut feeling is you need to fully implement no contact for 6 months, and then see how you feel. By fully, I mean block and delete everything, so she cannot contact you, nor you her, and so you cannot browse her social media accounts. No contact is a psychological process, and I don't think people really start to go through it until they've blocked and deleted everything for, at least, 6 months.