Its been 11 weeks.... My first love after 7 years together - broke my heart

[HeartBroken22]

I'm here looking for advice, or if anyone has endured anything similar, it would help to hear how you got through your breakup.

 

I'm a 26yr old guy (27 next month) and was with my exgf (25) for 7 years. Our relationship started out long distance whilst at uni and after 3 years we moved to London to live and work together (from the Midlands). It was the pinnacle of our relationship we were flying deeply in love and happy. A year later we decided to move back to the Midlands in search for a more balanced life, prep for marriage etc etc. Fast forward 2 years to a few months back we had been seriously discussing marriage for over a year, integrated into each others family and our lives were basically revolved around each other, friends and outside relationships were limited for both of us. In June I got onto the housing ladder a starter home for us as we had been looking together for 6 months and was going to propose at the end of this year. She always knew this and had been hinting to me for a while.

 

So 3 months ago shortly after her birthday and a spa weekend together, she tells me she is suddenly attracted to other guys and had fallen out of love with me and that she wanted to breakup. This was an earth shattering, so out of the blue and unexpected and i could barely function the following couple of weeks.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks later and I had discovered she had met some 32yr old 'bad boy' on her daily train commute to work a week or 2 before we split and she had been seeing him intensely since the breakup. She lied about what was really happening but eventually the truth came out that she had started sleeping with him almost right away has completely cut me out of her life and has within weeks fallen for him and has even spoken to her mum about meeting him and settling down together.

 

I. Have. Been. Completely. Broken. By. This.

 

I was accustomed to her being an emotional mess when things got hard, she would make rash decisions and get herself into a mess sometimes. She had it rough growing up with her parents splitting which was very messy in many ways and over the years support from her family has been virtually non existent. I was her rock for years and she used to love and appreciate me so much for it, we carved out successfully careers saved plenty of money and were at the final stage to start our lives together, only for her to blow it all overnight.

 

This new guy doesnt drive, speaks like a bit of a 'gangster' is a bit of a bum. He also lives with his mum and only has a small group of friends 8 or 9 years his junior. I also know that he has smoked a lot of pot the last 15 years and that he has no savings (mostly know this through my ex's little sister who has met him) we couldn't be more different - worlds apart

 

I have had no contact for almost 2 weeks, i spent the first 4 to 6 weeks chasing her and trying to reconcile. Its slowly pushed her further away, at first she seemed torn about her decision and showed signs of regret but time has pushed her closer and closer to him. She now wants nothing to do with me and has cut off all forms of communication.

 

I've been coping much better the last week and a half after going away on a weekend city break with some friends, but have also struggled a lot with so many emotions. Has anyone been through anything similar?

[BAcK]

Sorry to hear about that. So you have been in a relationship with her for 7 years and she ghosted you in less than a month.

 

Technically she was already over this relationship quite a few months back. And the final nail in the coffin was that guy. Coming to this, you and the other guy are 2 world apart. She wanted to discover his bad side. We are very curious by nature and she was attracted to his wilderness.

What you got to do is go NC.why? Simply because you cannot be with someone who blew 7 years of your life for some random guy.

You have to understand that not everyone you lose is a loss. In the short term you obviously miss her and want her back. But in long run you will not want to be someone like that. You did what you could. Just cut off completely disappear from her life. You deserve much better.

She made her decision and you do not have to change it.

Coming to her, she will sooner or later regret her decision but by that time you should be completely over her. Go NC. Work on yourself. Build yourself again and DATE others. Someone out there must be dying to date you.

[HeartBroken22]

Thanks for the advice, I completely agree and have slowly come to terms with the fact that she isn't someone i could rely on or trust again in my life. It doesn't make dealing with the pain of betrayal any easier though.

 

I felt strung along and feel angry with myself for letting myself fall in so deep, I would have done literally anything for her.

 

You are right about her falling out of love with me sooner, we had drifted a bit the past few months - naively i saw this as a dip that id come to expect in a long term relationship that would usually correct itself - but that was misguided.... She also dropped a bombshell that she had cheated on me when we split which helped to explain a lot.

 

What's been hardest is losing that person to talk to everyday and that shoulder to lean on, i feel so alone and struggle to see how im going to pick myself up and find myself again... Dating new people feels like the natural step to make but its daunting and I wouldn't know where or how to start

[h647]

I'm in a similar situation to you mate although my relationship has only been 2 years. We had a trip to New York booked in Jan so it was a bolt out of the blue for me too. Think positive, someone new will come into your life when you need it. I will miss the texts and talking about your problems too but I have now realised it's better it happpened now before we had kids or a mortgage together and got really messy. Like you, I have no idea where to meet new women when I am ready. A lot of my friends have settled down and I can't handle the late nights from going out drinking anymore.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Hiya Mate,

 

I can relate 100% with you, I feel like that post was written by myself in another city. I know this is **** but you have to move on bro... and it's f**king hard, no word of a lie. I'm new to all this forum discussing feelings thing too and it'll help, especially knowing you're not alone.

 

She obviously was not invested in you entirely, she fell out of love with you, just like my partner did with me. And BaCK is right, she'd made her decision months before the inevitable break up. She'd toy'd in her head whether you were the one for her for and ultimately decided no. That's cruel, that whatever was not right with your relationship she hadn't communicated openly with you after so long. I feel for you, I am in the same place in a VERY similar situation and i'm still hurting hourly 5 months on. I was about to propose to her when she ended it. In my instance my ex was still signed in on my ipad on facebook and I saw her messages the day after she broke my heart to my replacement arranging going for cocktails on the Friday night. She lied to me about that but I had read all the messages they'd written over the weeks leading up to the break up, including whilst we were in Rome together. So I get it mate. It hurts.

 

Take from this that ultimately she's not the one for you. As hard as that is to get in to your head. SHE IS NOT THE ONE. Get your heart in line and eventually your heart will follow... It won't be quick though mate, expect it to take months of 'peaking and troughing' but constantly remind yourself there's someone else out there that is mean't for you. It's going to be tough and i'd advise going to see a counsellor/life coach if you're really struggling, just to clear your head and discuss your feelings openly. I've just started seeing one and it's helped a lot in getting my life back on track from just a couple of sessions. Especially if your mental health deteriorates!

 

So yeah there's other brits on here that have and are currently going through the same pain mate. Feel free to DM me if you want to discuss privately.

[HeartBroken22]

After the initial 'chasing her' phase, I could finally feel anger again and had realised how cold and heartless she was.

 

I would have been a lot accepting of the fact that she fell out of love had she been open and honest with me and at least given the relationship the time it deserved after so many years. She was a closed book whilst constantly talking about planning our wedding and renovating the house etc etc. I've lost all respect for her as a human being for taking the steps the way she did. Even after we split her reasons seemed erratic ranging from I fell out of love with you, to if you asked me to marry you we would have been fine... At one point she even said had my mother called her she may have listened, her not calling her meant she didn't care.... Self centred is all I can say about that.

 

My head decided I couldn't ever let her back in a couple of weeks ago, and this last week I've felt the cloud of emotions lift dramatically. I feel so much better and see clearly that only my future is important going forward.

[Satu]

Her age means that she's just about completing her cerebral development, which often brings some personality changes. I think thats significant in this case.

 

Embrace this new phase in your life.

 

Do new things

Go to new places

Meet new people

Make whatever changes you want in yourself

Have fun as a single man

 

The possibilities are endless.

 

 

Take care.

[Been]

Sorry. I can relate as well. To me she stung you along until she was sure of the new guy. And that in itself is heartless.

She'll come running back. Him not having anything will get old. DONT take her back.

[kel224]

Heartbroken, just reading through your post. The similarities of our situations are remarkable, down to the ages (I'm recently 28, she recently turned 25). Satu's point about cerebral development is interesting. I actually do neuroscience research, but had never even occurred to me to think about it in that light. My ex even used the whole "I need to figure out who I am" line, which I'm sure every dumper uses during a breakup.

 

One thing I noticed is that it seems your ex was throwing all kinds of reasons out there to justify her behavior. Mine did too, and it's had me feeling really guilty for some time. I'm realizing now that this of behavior is probably just a way for them to justify to themselves what they're doing.

 

Of course we could've done things differently, but it seems that for both of us this was our first serious relationship. So if we did make any 'mistakes', I'm sure they were honest ones. I'm realizing a lot of relationship dynamics that I was naive to from inside the relationship, so this has been a great learning experience.

[Caysey110504]

I'm here looking for advice, or if anyone has endured anything similar, it would help to hear how you got through your breakup.

 

I'm a 26yr old guy (27 next month) and was with my exgf (25) for 7 years. Our relationship started out long distance whilst at uni and after 3 years we moved to London to live and work together (from the Midlands). It was the pinnacle of our relationship we were flying deeply in love and happy. A year later we decided to move back to the Midlands in search for a more balanced life, prep for marriage etc etc. Fast forward 2 years to a few months back we had been seriously discussing marriage for over a year, integrated into each others family and our lives were basically revolved around each other, friends and outside relationships were limited for both of us. In June I got onto the housing ladder a starter home for us as we had been looking together for 6 months and was going to propose at the end of this year. She always knew this and had been hinting to me for a while.

 

So 3 months ago shortly after her birthday and a spa weekend together, she tells me she is suddenly attracted to other guys and had fallen out of love with me and that she wanted to breakup. This was an earth shattering, so out of the blue and unexpected and i could barely function the following couple of weeks.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks later and I had discovered she had met some 32yr old 'bad boy' on her daily train commute to work a week or 2 before we split and she had been seeing him intensely since the breakup. She lied about what was really happening but eventually the truth came out that she had started sleeping with him almost right away has completely cut me out of her life and has within weeks fallen for him and has even spoken to her mum about meeting him and settling down together.

 

I. Have. Been. Completely. Broken. By. This.

 

I was accustomed to her being an emotional mess when things got hard, she would make rash decisions and get herself into a mess sometimes. She had it rough growing up with her parents splitting which was very messy in many ways and over the years support from her family has been virtually non existent. I was her rock for years and she used to love and appreciate me so much for it, we carved out successfully careers saved plenty of money and were at the final stage to start our lives together, only for her to blow it all overnight.

 

This new guy doesnt drive, speaks like a bit of a 'gangster' is a bit of a bum. He also lives with his mum and only has a small group of friends 8 or 9 years his junior. I also know that he has smoked a lot of pot the last 15 years and that he has no savings (mostly know this through my ex's little sister who has met him) we couldn't be more different - worlds apart

 

I have had no contact for almost 2 weeks, i spent the first 4 to 6 weeks chasing her and trying to reconcile. Its slowly pushed her further away, at first she seemed torn about her decision and showed signs of regret but time has pushed her closer and closer to him. She now wants nothing to do with me and has cut off all forms of communication.

 

I've been coping much better the last week and a half after going away on a weekend city break with some friends, but have also struggled a lot with so many emotions. Has anyone been through anything similar?

 

find a girl who loves you for you!

[Beast]

I was in a 7 year relationship which ended a couple of months ago. I couldnt start NC as quickly as expected, because of logistics and all. When I moved out tho i promised my self to never, ever, ever, break NC.

 

To put it blank, IT GETS BETTER!

 

NC is about YOU. Its about YOU MOVING ON. When you are no longer tolerating the idea of you two getting back together, thats when success happens. I've spent the energy of this breakup to fuel up and better myself. Obviously the problem is when you get over them, you eventually lose that energy and go back to your old self. I promised myself that im never going back to being my old self. I have so much potential, and no way am I settling again. Basically, the hardest part of NC is controlling your mind. But believe it or not, thats where the battle is. You dont better yourself by going back to the person who destroyed you. You deserve to be happy. I cant stres how much you guys need to shift your focus and concentrate on yourself.

 

I wont lie, I still think about her. Basically everyday. But with time it dont sting no more. I have been blessed. I took the breakup like a champ. I found my self. I know where im going, and I know that in time someone better will come and everything will be good. Im not gonna lie. Its gonna take a lot of work. But if you dont put down the work, you will ironically not move FORWARD. With time you will succeed.

 

I have come a long way. Ive tried the dating scene just for attention and they have been a few bangs here and there, but i still feel like im cheating on her. But it had to be done, you have to break the connection and mind you, the emotional connection is the hardest thing to break.

 

She has been reaching out. I never respond. Shes blocked everywhere except facebook. Im not doing this for her or bettering myself so she can see what she lost. I dont care about her no more. She dont affect me in either way. You might say that I still care, well, to put it blank, this is my first holidays without her in my whole adult life. Ofcourse it will sting. But my point is that I will still be spending time with the people who love me unconditionally.

 

For you guys who are still struggling, use this method. When the going gets tough, think that you are standing in front of an audience. Just do it! THINK THAT YOU ARE standing in front of an audience. With your back against the crowd. Now think that the people standing there are the people in your life who care about you. Look at their smiles. Listen to the chants. Look at your little brother or your bestfriend clapping for you, these are the people that care. Dont let the distractions distract you. You are an asset! You deserve to be happy! Never break NC.

 

Stay in there! Stay strong and stay positive. Keep in mind that you ATTRACT what you fear, hence, work on your mind!!! We are all in this together lads. Dont allow your thoughts that to manifest shait you dont want in your life

[HeartBroken22]

So today is day 23 of NC and had been feeling a lot more positive until a few days ago.

 

Bearing in mind when NC started my ex had told me she now hated me and never wanted to hear from me again (subsequently blocked me on fb, whatsapp, calls, texts etc).. This past friday I got a notification that she viewed my linkdin profile and Saturday around midnight she liked one of my instagram photos (we never connected on instagram because I was never a big fan of social media, i only signed up a few weeks after we split so she would have searched for me) then around half hour later when I saw the notification she had blocked me on there.

 

I haven't reached out or responded but her behaviour seems odd. I know she enjoyed wielding power over me when she used a breakup as a way of making me reach out to her (a small handful of occasions throughout the relationship) so im not sure whether she is questioning why im not reaching out anymore, or just a lapse on her part?

 

I know it shouldn't matter, but seeing those notifications did bring back some of the hurt and tainted an otherwise busy weekend....she was adamant she had moved on and wanted to settle down with said "new guy" so why bother checking up on me?

[ExpatInItaly]

She's probably not getting enough attention from her new boyfriend, so she's putting out little feelers in your direction as a back-up plan.

 

Don't fall for it. She will be gone the moment her new guy starts laying on the moves again.

[HeartBroken22]

I have no desire to entertain any of her BS to end up hurt again. I've learnt the hard way and refuse to let someone treat me like that ever again.

 

I also know she is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met, when she goes south it is usually permanent so I don't expect her to reach out at any point... She's lacks emotional maturity and lives life on impulse I'm fairly sure she will delude her way into seeking comfort in any situation by believing whatever she wants to believe because that's her only coping mechanism... Always a victim

[HeartBroken22]

Another small update (need somewhere to vent)... I have a close friend that has been there through the breakup and had also acted as an intermediary during the initial few weeks.

 

So I just caught up with him during our weekly badminton game and he tells me that on friday my ex called him. (he wasn't going to tell me but i mentioned the details of the above post) just to say that i hadn't contacted her in a while and wondering how I was doing... He told her I was doing fine and getting out and meeting new people etc..

 

He says she didn't give any hints of missing me or anything like that.. But he questions her motives and why she even bothered to call...?

[salparadise]

He says she didn't give any hints of missing me or anything like that.. But he questions her motives and why she even bothered to call...?

 

She's seeking validation by looking for evidence that you're heartbroken. Don't give her any. Tell your friend, if she calls again, to say that you're romping with a different women every week, and beautiful women are coming out of the woodwork looking for you. But seriously, don't give her any indication that you're suffering. Meanwhile you have to grieve the loss of the relationship and adapt to the newly single you. I think you seem to be doing fine given the circumstances.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I know it's painful... but better now than 5-10 years from now after marrying her and having kids. You'll be wiser next go-round.

[HeartBroken22]

Thanks Salparadise. I think you're right, knowing that I'm broken would definitely make her feel better - in some twisted way.

 

I felt like I'd made a lot of progress, but the last few days I've found myself having little moments to myself and feeling really beat down by all of this.

 

It'll be exactly 3 months on Thursday and it's my birthday exactly a week later... I feel like this is going to be the most depressing festive period I've ever experienced. I miss having intimacy just feel like I need a hug

[HeartBroken22]

Day 25 of NC...

 

The last 4/5 days have been really tough. I called my friend today because I needed to know more about the conversation he had with mt ex on friday... It's been playing on my mind over and over and despite trying to brush it off casually when we initially spoke of it on Monday - its left me with more unanswered questions.

 

So aside from her saying to him that I hadn't reached out in a while and asking how I was doing, her general tone was closed - she wasn't giving much away.

 

She knows he is a really close friend so perhaps she knew it'd come back to me?

 

Aside from that... (my close friend also lost a 5 year relationship last year down to his gfs infidelity, he couldn't take her back... She then got engaged after 8 months) my ex spoke to him about how after a breakup he should settle down with someone as soon as possible and not wait too long for marriage. She referenced his ex but was also referring to herself and said ideally she wants to be married within 6months.

 

My friend is in a new relationship too but isn't in as big a hurry... Point is he thought she sounded super irrational. He probed her a bit to ask how things were going with this new guy but she wouldn't give anything away. Instead just saying that whoever she is with from here on will be for someone longterm that she can settle down with,she doesn't want to wait.

 

During the early few weeks after the split she had opened up to me a few times about 'new guy' needing to change a lot if he wanted to be with her (whilst she felt free, liberated and confident) but it sounds like her shortlived independence has died down and now she is in a hurry to settle down at the fear of being alone?

 

I fully expected this sort of reaction from her post breakup but nonetheless it hurts like hell. She can be very argumentative at times and I have huge doubts about how long they will last - it shouldn't be and isn't my concern but still feel completely helpless.... Wtf is wrong with her?

 

They spoke on the phone for around 20mins,I only featured a little most of it was about dealing with postbreakup and settling down... Why call my closest friend to have that kind of conversation? They never really communicated otherwise so I just don't get it

[HeartBroken22]

Quick update on my story....

 

A couple of days ago on xmas eve I was out drinking with some friends (day 35 NC) and after getting wasted I regretfully tried to call my ex on my taxi journi home (a handful of times)... Fortunately she still had my number on 'auto reject' and didnt respond to my attempts.

 

Waking up xmas day and realising what I'd done, i felt pretty stupid for allowing myself to reach out.... She didnt msg/call back either.

 

A day later (earlier today) she tried to call me and sent me a text asking to call her, i tried to just ignore it... 4 hours later she tried again and i bottled it and tried to call her back... She missed the call but call me a few hours ago and i answered...

 

She just asked how i was keeping and how things are with me... For the first time since the breakup i remained strong and said im getting on fine and things were great (previously I'd been a mess) and this startled her a bit... Her response was 'don't be like that with me'... I just said what else do you want me to say, im getting on just fine. I tried to cut short the conversation as i was out eating with a friend to which she asked to just give her a few minutes to talk...

 

She sounded like she was close to tears and said 'i dont want you to hate me for what i did to you' 'do you hate me'... It did hurt to hear her upset about things but I kept strong and just told her that i dont hate her and some things just weren't meant to be and thats okay... She then went on probing me asking whether I was with someone else to which i just told her that whether i am or not doesn't matter anymore and that it's best for us both if we leave the book shut and carry on with our lives....her response was 'so you are with someone else' (im not but didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing whats happening with my life) i just told her its best if we both just leave it there...

 

I dont know why it should matter so much to her... It was her choice to end things, her decision to jump into bed with someone else and nothing i said mattered to her.

 

She finally bought up the miscalls on xmas eve and i just told her that i was quite drunk and wasnt sure why i called, and that i didnt really have anything to say to her... And that it wouldn't happen again. I ended the conversation there and she left it with speak to you soon.

 

It was clear she didn't want to hang up but i had to stop it there as i was starting to feel quite emotional. In hindsight i screwed up by trying to contact her but i still feel much stronger than i did 6 weeks ago. It was weird hearing her act so differently with me... Maybe reality set in? Was it worth it? Is the grass greener? I think its clear that I still feel for her but im glad i didnt give in this time and left things on my terms...

[whatdeww18]

Wow OP, to be honest, I am not in the same exact situation but similar in that the grass might be greener and we had the comfortable phase in the relationship. I was quite distraught in the beginning like you, and looking at your progression of healing, it is quite apparent that you are actually doing a lot better.

 

Just wanted to applaud you and the steps you took to heal. Sometimes, we just really have to attempt to move on and only in the future can we even attempt reconciliation. Who knows what might come, right? In the beginning, ALL I could think was getting my ex back. Now, I'm on the side of don't ever talk to me haha. But, seeing your post, it seems like with time, the wounds and pain heal, not fully, but enough not to be emotional.

 

What I've been feeling and seeing is killing off the hope that they will not come back for contact or reconciliation. Even if it seems like it may happen, to just leave it so we will be in the best state of mind. That, and making our life the best we can.

 

Congratulations on talking to your ex without breaking and proud you cut it off before you got emotional. Do want to just give you a friendly reminder to take it slow and get that whole perspective. Just remember how your own thoughts had changed within a couple months and how things have been changing. Wishing you the best!

 

-WhatDEWWWWW