Feeling like there was still hope. Did I go wrong? Or right?

[breakupthrowaway663]

I was initially very proud of how I handled it, but I am not sure this is what she really wanted. Should have I fought for her? We had a great relationship up until the weeks leading to the break-up, and even then, it wasn't bad, she was just acting different.

 

Here is how the break-up went down:

 

Once I arrived I sat in the back of the car with her and said I have felt our communication slipping, and I have observed different behavior lately. I told her I want her to be clear and honest with me about what's going on. I told her my needs were not being met, and listed a few of my observations and how I felt about them.

 

She said she has felt she has fell into some big personal issues, of which she doesn't seem to fully understand. Obviously she is in a bad place, it was more about the body language than the actual words.

 

Eventually I pressed and said I want her to be honest with me about everything, now is the time to tell me what's going on.

 

She held back for a moment, and then she let it out. She's been crushing on some other guy (not cheating -- which by the look in her eyes I felt was true). Surprisingly, I stayed very calm. I honestly believe people do crush on others in relationships (more than attraction), but you have to choose what's important to you. I told her that. I asked who it was and thankfully she declined to tell me. I'd probably end up sizing myself up in my head anyway.

 

I followed with telling her I can support her through her depression and problems, I love her for who she is, but if she doesn't see me in the picture or does feel love for me, we have to be over. Crying followed.

 

She said she wants to do this on her own. I said I want to be with someone who loves being with me, although I do think she's a great person and I do love her, we had to end it.

 

She told me she still loves me, and I'm the greatest person to ever come into her life. She thanked me for everything I did to improve her life. I thanked her as well. It was sorrowful, but not angry.

 

There was another 40 minutes of closure. One last hug. I made it clear I will not talk to her again, and she will not see me again. This is it. She cried more. Actually, by this point her tears were flowing.

 

Done. Over. Her sister messaged me soon after and is ashamed of her sister (the sister really loved me), and tried to explain her sister has been broken ever since their mom passing. She also said my now ex always looked up to me in a way that she felt she couldn't achieve what I had (I have a really nice career for 24. She's a college dropout). I didn't think much of it, I always thought of her as equals.

 

Next day:

 

Her sister messaged me again, saying she would personally miss me. I probably should have dropped the conversation but I told her to take care of her sister and that I wish them the best, although I don't fully understand what happened.

 

It sounds like she doesn't understand either, but she did say a few things.

 

I asked if she ever mentioned depression, because for her own sake I hope you can help her. She didn't really mention it, apparently.

 

The sister said maybe she got cold feet, didn't think I was the one. But I never asked her to marry me... we were 10 months in. Christ.

 

Then eventually her sister dropped the one that hurt the most. She said she thinks my now ex didn't feel like she could be herself. That she knew I wanted her to be healthy by not smoking, but I shouldn't try to make her so. And it just makes her want to do it more. And she even felt uncomfortable farting around me. What?!

 

My now ex always said she felt more like herself, more inspired, more witty, than with anyone she has ever met. The smoking was an issue but I didn't batter her over it. I just said please don't smoke and expect me to kiss you. I do have boundaries. Yes when she did dangerous levels of drugs or got blackout drunk I knew she felt miserable about it, but I never compounded her guilt. I was patient. We did make a pact to be sober for a month (which she was excited about), and she had a beer the next day, which did frustrate me quite a bit (seriously, the next day?). But I calmed down and we worked it through eventually.

 

Original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/602935-extreme-anxiety-after-having-bombshell-dropped-me

Edited November 20, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[ThorntonMelon]

I'd recommend running not walking.

 

I am sorry that you lost someone you cared about, but she doesn't sound to me like a healthy partner nor someone you should spend energy on going forward.

 

I'd block the sister as well from phone/messenger.

 

Good luck.

[NopeNah]

No hope at all! Time to move on...Just skimmed thru the other thread and you saw this coming a mile away!

[Been]

You handled it good but you stuck around too long.

She's a liar first come to grips with that. And she HAS been cheating on you.

Don't waste your time on someone like her. She'll get you to change and it won't be for the better.

The trust now is RUINED. Thier is no coming back from this-she's cheated on you multiple times and then had the nerve to act like it was out if her control. She knew what she was doing don't be fooled by that.

Only way you would get back is if YOU bent over backwards to appease her. And in the end you'd be making another thread about the same situation months down the road.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I guess when she told me she just kissed guys in the past when she cheated it wasn't true after all.

 

http://oi65.tinypic.com/5buqrp.jpg

 

I'm such a fool

[Been]

Your not a fool. I think you knew but wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

You made a mistake. Now do it AGIAN and yes you'd be a fool.

[fromheart]

A depressed person is not relationship material, and she freely admits to her attention wondering. Bear in mind there is probably more to the story. This is not girlfriend material, and not worth investing your time.

 

Her sister will act as your friend at first, but will go faithfully to her sisters side eventually. Her comment was stupid and immature, not to say lacking basic empathy to you.

Maybe she should be more concerned about her sister doing drugs and smoking, instead of criticizing the one person who was trying to look out for her health.

 

Dodged a bullet here, stick to NC and ignore her family also.

 

BTW, the only way to fight for a woman is to fight for yourself first. But this one is not worth fighting for.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

Then eventually her sister dropped the one that hurt the most. She said she thinks my now ex didn't feel like she could be herself. That she knew I wanted her to be healthy by not smoking, but I shouldn't try to make her so. And it just makes her want to do it more. And she even felt uncomfortable farting around me. What?!

 

 

Ewww, you have got to be kidding me!

 

She sounds kind of rough around the edges and you were a guy with class which she couldn't handle.

 

So can you explain who that text conversation is with in the link? I am confused where you got that info from about her past?

[ShannonM10]

I just had to respond to this post as I read through both of your threads and it really struck a cord with me. I understand all your pain and confusion....and yes...you dodged a HUGE BULLET! Everyday say that to yourself. Can you imagine investing even more time into this weak individual to have them do this to you years later? Or buy a house with them? That's what happened to me. My ex monkey branches from woman to woman...I thought I was different, but he did exactly to me what he did to his ex WITH me.

You seem like an amazingly good guy, and a catch! You will find an amazing women that appreciates open communication and commitment. These people are broken...and never learn. They just dull the pain by smoking weed and not dealing with the destruction they left behind. My ex was a huge pot head, I'm sure when he gets overwhelmed thinking about how many people he hurt, he lights a doobie and focuses on his now fiance. They never truly learn because they don't give themselves the chance too. Will he do it to her? I hope so just because it proves he has a pattern, but even if he doesn't, he won't be happy down the line remembering how he went about things. Just like this girl won't, because she is looking for someone else to validate her.

As hard as it is, be thankful it was just 9 months. She's a confused broken person, and no one can save her but herself.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Ewww, you have got to be kidding me!

 

She sounds kind of rough around the edges and you were a guy with class which she couldn't handle.

 

So can you explain who that text conversation is with in the link? I am confused where you got that info from about her past?

 

That's a conversation with me and her previous ex boyfriend of 3 years, she one she told me she kissed another guy with, then ended the relationship. The conversation reveals she was watering down the truth. I always knew the guy but never got in touch.

 

It's so sad how vulnerable I let myself become. She showed me to her dad so soon, talked about moving in together, being madly in love. And this all eroded just like that? It's hard to make sense of it. I just don't get it. She never seemed that weak.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I'm in such rough shape today. I went through deleting her pictures and I broke down. I really wanted it to work with this girl. She really was special, just last weekend she took pictures of me saying how much she loved me, and her texts were so sweet. I just don't get it guys..

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm so sorry you are really hurting. It's hard, so so hard. You aren't just dealing with the loss of the person you love being out of your life, the hopes for the future, but you are also dealing with the shock of who they turned out to be.

 

Even though she told you recently she had done this to past guys there was still the person you knew and you believed would never do this to you. It's still blindsiding and it's very hard to go through that.

 

You'll play it all out in your head over and over trying to find answers and then eventually you'll accept it for what it is, then you will feel really angry and then you will start to move on emotionally.

 

Only advice we can give you is don't fight it, whatever you are feeling. Just ride it out. You can't escape it. Accept you are going to hurt.

 

Thanks for explaining about the ex. I was tempted to reach out to my ex's ex to see what went down in their relationship because I had found an email from her (from before we were together) that was a scornful letter to him about how he left her for someone he met at work. He managed to convinced me at the time it was all lies, that it never happened and stupidly I believed that/him. Then when it happened to me I wanted to reach out to her for answers but I opted to let it go. I knew what I knew and that was enough for me.

 

Good for you for reaching out to the ex. Some people might advice against it but I believe it is important for the healing process because the one positive about finding things out like this is that it helps you instantly close your heart.

 

Yes you will still miss her a lot, and grieve for what you could have had but your rational brain will take over sooner or later and remind you of what she did to you making it much easier to move on. Even though it doesn't feel like it now. You'll get there.

 

Stay strong..

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Orite Mate..

 

Sorry to hear you're having a rough day, It'll get better.

 

I stumbled across your 1st article today and skim-read through it, it's a bugger that everyone was right... even thinking of cheating is cheating. I'm sorry this has happened to you, i know how much it hurts as i'm still going through the pain of it myself. It was scary the similarities in your story to my own experience (time together/distance away/excuses/perception of infidelity)...hell she sounds like a same woman by all accounts! It's amazing how foggy your vision is when you're in the throws of love (or lust!). Only difference in the tale is that she ended it with me and I possibly pushed her away subconsciously with my own vices... I know you don't believe it when people say you dodged a bullet (i still have to convince myself so... even when my family/friends say it) but by the looks of it you did as well!!! My ex had also been setting up my replacement before she ended it with me... There are monsters in this world but they look like us I've discovered.

 

If I've got one piece of advice mate, it's follow through with the full NC. I mean full NC!! No nothing! I failed to do so for 3-4 months, and here I am 5 months on still with a dull ache in my heart. Cut her out completely, any mementos/clothes she wore... everything that reminds you of her in the slightest. Get her out of sight, soon (hopefully) she'll be out of your mind as well.

 

All the best fella.

 

Your friend from across the pond.

 

feel free to DM me if you want to talk stuff through, i find it helps.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Orite Mate..

 

Sorry to hear you're having a rough day, It'll get better.

 

I stumbled across your 1st article today and skim-read through it, it's a bugger that everyone was right... even thinking of cheating is cheating. I'm sorry this has happened to you, i know how much it hurts as i'm still going through the pain of it myself. It was scary the similarities in your story to my own experience (time together/distance away/excuses/perception of infidelity)...hell she sounds like a same woman by all accounts! It's amazing how foggy your vision is when you're in the throws of love (or lust!). Only difference in the tale is that she ended it with me and I possibly pushed her away subconsciously with my own vices... I know you don't believe it when people say you dodged a bullet (i still have to convince myself so... even when my family/friends say it) but by the looks of it you did as well!!! My ex had also been setting up my replacement before she ended it with me... There are monsters in this world but they look like us I've discovered.

 

If I've got one piece of advice mate, it's follow through with the full NC. I mean full NC!! No nothing! I failed to do so for 3-4 months, and here I am 5 months on still with a dull ache in my heart. Cut her out completely, any mementos/clothes she wore... everything that reminds you of her in the slightest. Get her out of sight, soon (hopefully) she'll be out of your mind as well.

 

All the best fella.

 

Your friend from across the pond.

 

feel free to DM me if you want to talk stuff through, i find it helps.

 

Ouch friend, that hurts. You're right, monsters look and can even act just like us. She was incredibly kind, compassionate, and empathetic. I loved the death out of her personality.

 

Little did I know what was really brewing inside of her, behind her intoxicating smile.

 

She was excited to see me and everything seemed to be going great up until the last day. Hell, three days before we ended it she said "There's no man that makes me smile like you do, and there never will be".

 

But that's the thing, those are just words. And monsters aren't afraid to use words to manipulate people. I don't think she is a monster, just a lost person. She has to guide herself back on course. Maybe she'll find happiness someday, not just continue covering up her happiness with the instant gratification of validation and butterflies.

 

On I go.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Ouch friend, that hurts. You're right, monsters look and can even act just like us. She was incredibly kind, compassionate, and empathetic. I loved the death out of her personality.

 

Little did I know what was really brewing inside of her, behind her intoxicating smile.

 

She was excited to see me and everything seemed to be going great up until the last day. Hell, three days before we ended it she said "There's no man that makes me smile like you do, and there never will be".

 

But that's the thing, those are just words. And monsters aren't afraid to use words to manipulate people. I don't think she is a monster, just a lost person. She has to guide herself back on course. Maybe she'll find happiness someday, not just continue covering up her happiness with the instant gratification of validation and butterflies.

 

On I go.

 

Likewise mate, I loved her character moreover than her beauty. And similarly her last message to me 2 days before she ended it was 'true love, you're the best boyfriend ever'. All lies and deceit mate, honestly it's a very humbling thought process to go through.

 

Agreed, in both yours and mine there's a problem of inner insecurity, until that's been remedied themselves they're no good for anyone.

 

Keep going day by day, all the best..

[Been]

I know you hurt and it's hard to move forward but you weren't going to ever have a STABLE future with her and it would have gotten a lot worse.

[elaine567]

I know you hurt and it's hard to move forward but you weren't going to ever have a STABLE future with her and it would have gotten a lot worse.

 

Agreed,

 

OP,

Living with unstable people will send you crazy - literally.

 

You need to just stay away from her, no good will come of this.

[breakupthrowaway663]

She wasn't unstable until the end. Or does something make you guys think otherwise?

[Been]

She says your the best,how much she loves you etc.....but she has a crush on someone else?

Trust me when I know unstable women- I have far too many of them.

She tells you something completely different then what she tells her sister?Ask yourself why?

You can never plan anything worth while with people like her because they always seem to have one foot out the door.

They tell you everything is good- then they tell everyone else it isn't.

And eventually they'll have you running around trying to appease them till the point where it will consume you.

I'll even call this for you-she'll keep in contact with you. At first it will be infrequent if things are going good for her. Then if things start to go south for her it will start to be more frequent.

And don't trust the sister only because she's only hearing half the story. Trust me on that one.

[breakupthrowaway663]

She says your the best,how much she loves you etc.....but she has a crush on someone else?

Trust me when I know unstable women- I have far too many of them.

She tells you something completely different then what she tells her sister?Ask yourself why?

You can never plan anything worth while with people like her because they always seem to have one foot out the door.

They tell you everything is good- then they tell everyone else it isn't.

And eventually they'll have you running around trying to appease them till the point where it will consume you.

I'll even call this for you-she'll keep in contact with you. At first it will be infrequent if things are going good for her. Then if things start to go south for her it will start to be more frequent.

And don't trust the sister only because she's only hearing half the story. Trust me on that one.

 

I don't think her crush was a huge one. Although she declined to tell me who it was (odd), at the same time showed extreme guilt for having those feelings and was crying, and said she didn't want to pursue it ("want to be alone"). Trust me when I say this girl has been sliding down a slippery slope for the past month. I think that's the root of all of this.

 

I think her loss of feelings and personal issues were the main problem. And having the crush made her feel even worse about herself and the outlook of our relationship. She felt like she just wanted to be alone while she "figures it out". Idk though, maybe that's female smoke and mirrors for "I wanna bang this guy for awhile".

 

Sweet girl, really. Too hard on herself at times. It became a feedback loop of stress she created herself.

 

Still, if she can't see me in the picture and said "she doesn't want to be in a relationship" I have to take that at face value. I'm at a point in my life where I just can't beg for things to keep going. I want to be in a relationship with someone who is like hell yes I love this relationship. I just hope I wasn't wrong for thinking that way, and she wasn't hoping I'd put on a display of affection instead.

Edited November 23, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[dumbass2]

Don't doubt yourself. Sounds like you did the right thing and what's done is done. When you feel that doubt or regret, just come on here and everyone will set you straight. She needs to be in your rear view mirror now and soon to be out of site out of mind.

[LD1990]

Haha, funny, my ex wanted to be alone on awhile, too, so she could really work on herself. That "being alone" plan hit a snag when she immediately started seeing another guy. We lived together and I was "the love of her life" and all that other cutesy garbage.

 

Don't believe a word she told you.

[noski]

Hello Op,

 

I agree with other posters .Let go is the only way out .This is the only way you will move forward.Easier said than done huh but your mind is tricking you and keeping you stuck with those kind of thoughts:"It could have worked ,I didn't handle this well,I shouldn't have did this,why did she behave like this ,I did this ,she did that,she wasn't like that ,why did she,should have ,would have ,could have " but this is not the reality and only serves the ego and slows down the process.

 

Also earlier you mentioned that you were analyzing your part in it ,that she wasn't the only culprit or something along the line and some posters told you that you were wasting your time or that she was a "cheater" ..

Let's be honest here it's easy for people to bash ,blame,paint your ex as a cheater or whatever but you have to be honest with yourself at some point and start looking at how you participated in that experience .Yes I agree with you that's the right move.You said that your previous break up was even more complicated.I wonder,were you really over your gf before jumping into this relationship, somewhere deep inside did you hold some sort of expectations,beliefs that your brought into to the new relationship,something that your mind was holding onto ,only to recreate the same experience ?

How did you participate in the experience ?Didn't you have red flags all along .Yes she cheated in her previous relationships but she also did drugs ,alcohol and you settled for it as well,you probably tried to unconsciously or not fix her at some point (ex smoking ).So you knew it wasn't healthy somewhere along the line,still you stayed.Why ?I think she is unstable and not ready for a relationship.My guess is that losing her mother really devastated her and she is still grieving ,in pain,may have tried to bandage her pain with drugs or alcohol or men etc etc.Mind you,that does not excuse her cheating obviously but I am more talking about the unhealthy state of that relationship that you overlooked.

 

Anyway ,you did the right thing because ,this wouldn't have worked .Now I am really sorry that you are hurting but you are also learning .Stay there ,feel the hurt,do not reach out or pour your feelings TO HER,great that you can talk to your real life friends as well! Channel every strength in your being to let go.When those thoughts arise,try diverting your attention somewhere else and now that they are just thoughts causing you suffering .What is the reality ?The reality is that you and her are over for a good reason and that you need to focus ,all the blaming and trying to mentally analyze the past and all those thoughts are the result of the ego .Look for your lesson in this experience.

And remember "we meet people for a season ,a reason ,a lifetime,not everybody is here to stay .When the reason or the season is over,the relationship will follow suit "Those people that appear in our lives were just passing by to teach us something that we were ignoring ,or take the blindfold off our eyes so that we can learn and grow and heal .

 

I hope you feel better Take Care...

Edited November 23, 2016 by noski

[breakupthrowaway663]

Hello Op,

 

I agree with other posters .Let go is the only way out .This is the only way you will move forward.Easier said than done huh but your mind is tricking you and keeping you stuck with these kind off thoughts:"It could have worked ,why did she behave like this ,I did this ,she did that,she wasn't like that ,why did she " but this is not the reality and only serves the ego and t slows down the process.

 

Also earlier you mentioned that were analyzing your side of things ,that she wasn't alone in this or something along the line and some posters told you that you were wasting your time or that she was a "cheater" ..

Let's be honest here it's easy for people to bash ,blame,paint your ex as a cheater or whatever but you have to be honest with yourself at some point and start looking at how you participated in that experience .Yes I agree with you that's the right move.You said that your previous break up was even more complicated.I wonder,were you really over your gf before jumping into this relationship, somewhere deep inside did you hold some sort of expectations that your brought into to the new relationship,something that your mind was holding onto ,only to recreate the same experience ?

How did you participate in the experience ?Didn't you have red flags all along .Yes she cheated in her previous relationships but she also did drugs ,alcohol and you settled for it as well,you probably tried to unconsciously or not fix her at some point (ex smoking ).So you knew it wasn't healthy somewhere along the line,still you stayed.Why ?I think she is unstable and not ready for a relationship.My guess is that losing her mother really devastated her and she is still grieving ,in pain,may have tried to bandage her pain with drugs or alcohol or men etc etc.That does not excuse her cheating obviously but I am more talking about the unhealthy state of that relationship that you overlooked.

 

Anyway ,you did the right thing because from an outside perspective ,this wouldn't have worked .Now I am really sorry that you are hurting but you are also learning .Stay there ,you know feel the hurt and know that when you do let go,you will let love in again .For Now stop blaming her and look for your lesson in this experience.

And remember "we meet people for a season ,a reason ,a lifetime,not everybody is here to stay .When the reason or the season is over,the relationship will follow suit "Those people that appear in our lives were just passing by to teach us something that we were ignoring ,or take the blindfold off our eyes so that we can learn and grow and heal .

 

I hope you feel better Take Care...

 

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

My other ex has nothing to do with it. That relationship ended in a tragedy. It was hard for me since it was a first love. I let her go way before this ex came along.

 

Well, the break-up came pretty much out of nowhere. I've been trying to look at my part in this, but I'm not seeing much.

 

When she first started smoking again I understood but made it clear that she worked hard to quit, and to not let it become a problem again. That stuff kills you and I care about her. It was a warning.

 

She started smoking every day and I said I didn't want to kiss her after she smoked, and a couple times she kissed me and I reeled a bit. She knew my biggest turn off is bad smell. She'd brush her teeth vigorously before coming over but I always knew, and I said something. The first handful of times I wouldn't be negative, I just joked about it and gave her a break.

 

Once she started smoking 3 a day I told her it's becoming a problem. Her issues and stress were starting to rear their head again, and she was succumbing to her vices again. And yes I wanted her to fix her problems. I wanted to challenge her to be a better person but maybe was too forward. She quit once before and I knew that was something she took pride in.

 

My patience had also been wearing thinner, because she has always had an impulsive and addictive personality. For example, she came over to my place after work once completely sloshed and I handled that situation gracefully. Hell, she cheated on two boyfriends, which proves it right there. And she would get blackout drunk probably once a month. I told her when she quit smoking that it was really awesome that she did that for herself, and I'm glad she did because that's one of my dealbreakers anyway (so she knew early on).

 

The other thing I think about is when she told me about the cheating I was passionate about my opinion that it's never okay. She was empathetic towards cheaters and "could understand". She probably felt judged in that moment. We talked it out but maybe that had a lasting effect on her to have to talk about that openly.

 

On one side, I should have been more understanding with her and not compound her shame about cheating, but on the other side, I do believe in my values and will freely express them, regardless of her approval. Sexy for attracting women early on, but in a relationship can be seen as critical. I did reassure her that all her experiences led her to me so I do not hold her past against her. But I disagreed on her playing the victim (she felt stuck in her relationship, got positive attention from someone else, blamed drugs + alcohol, etc).

 

I stayed along her side because I saw the good in her. She didn't pick up smoking until a few months ago. We were working on the drinking. The rest of her I loved. None of us are perfect and I accepted her issues. We did make a good team.

Edited November 23, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663