TraineeAlchemist Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 I met this girl when I was coming out of a dead long term relationship and fell madly in love with her. She seemed to be everything I wanted in a partner. Although there was a fair bit of age gap, it wasn't really a huge issue as we shared many things in common including lifestyle and interests. We also came from different countries but she spent 2 years living in my city. I had never dated anyone like her and perhaps that was why there was a huge attraction. She was very intelligent, creative, adventurous and pushed me to explore a side of myself I never knew I had. But with all this, she was also a dysfunctional person. She had very bad habits which I could not tolerate. She was always late, forgetful, irresponsible, inconsiderate, selfish and a lot of how she lived started to impact my social and work life. We fought about this the whole relationship and she had promised each time to change, to be better, to improve, to try. Her promises would last all of 3 days and it would be back to where we started. I loved her very deeply and we made plans to eventually move to her home country, get married and settle there. She kept promising me this life and this future and I was working towards that goal. To wrap up my job and then move there with her. She was pressurising me to make the move earlier rather than later. We dated for 3 years. During which, she had the liberty to do anything she wanted, go everywhere she wanted as I had the financial resources for that. She lived a good and convenient life with me and yet, she would still complain she was depressed and lost. She would say that she was living my life and it wasn't her life. In the end she decided to move back to her home country to finish her education. I supported this decision and we agreed to embark on a long distance relationship. I was still focused on the goal and plan of our future. In the 3 years together, I felt she emotionally and mentally abused me where I felt I was doing all the work to keep the relationship going, and all she was doing was taking and being very selfish. I never felt she prioritised me or us. She would rather say No to me, then say No to a friend she had just started to get close to. I felt she had a real "Fear of Missing Out" complex where a lot of her decisions were based on how it affected her image. We were still fighting a lot but we always managed to resolve it. There were many times I did try to break up with her, but I think it was all out of anger and wanting her to change and see my point of view. On my last trip out to spend our 3rd year together in her city, we did have a big fight but we resolved it before I left. I had been having very major issues at work and undergoing a lot of stress. It was the most difficult time of my career life where things were not going as planned. This would mean that I could leave my job and move to be with her earlier than planned. When I told her this, I sensed that she was trying to encourage me to not make such moves so quickly. When I asked her why she was having a change of heart, she got very defensive. It was also in that conversation where she suddenly said we needed to talk. And then it happened so fast. The conversation took a turn and suddenly she was basically telling me that she was not ready, and we were not right for each other, she didn't want to keep hurting me and I should find someone else that could offer me the same effort that I put into the relationship. I barely got a chance to speak and when I did, she would quickly squash out my points almost like she didn't want to hear them if they made sense. And then we hung up. She broke up with me. The moment I was actually going to give up my job and move for her, she decided even if the timing was bad and I was going through hell at my work and suffering from depression, she decided it was still the best time to pull the plug. In the same break up speech, she told me I was her best friend, her partner, her rock but we had to get used to not being in each other's lives. I am absolutely devastated that I have not been able to function properly. I obviously started applying the NC and 2 days later she forwarded me a work related email which didn't even have to go to me in the first place and was also forwarded to my assistant. She started posting instagram videos of herself out and about in an OTT fashion. All it made me feel was sad. Sad to be reminded that I was always treated with low priority. For instance, she videoed picking up her friend at the airport. All the 3 years we been together she never once picked me up from the airport. I suppose I shouldn't read into all these videos too much but I cannot help but have a reaction towards it. I haven't reached out and I would not but there are a lot of things we do need to settle. Her things are still at my place. I don't know when to send them out to her. She has a couple of my things which are important to me. Because we are in different countries, it's not so simple just to drop them off. There would be shipping required etc. I haven't been able to begin to wrap anything up. I'm feeling lost, confused and devastated. So much so, enough to look for help at a forum. I don't know what to expect from coming here. I know I need to start healing, but I don't know where or how to begin. I haven't even properly absorbed what is going on with this breakup. Is it truly over? I can't tell. Thanks for listening to me guys. I hope I can get some good opinions and advice here.
Marc878 Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Sounds like a toxic relationship to begin with. Box all her stuff up put it in the garage, etc. Do a black out on phone, social media, etc. You can't go no contact you'll just linger in the dead zone longer.
BluesPower Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Honestly why would you want to be with her is the first place. I really think you are better off. She really did you a favor. Take it and run with it.
Author TraineeAlchemist Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 Thanks for the replies so far. I think the responses have been very logical but I think we are all here because we are dealing with the emotional and the grief. I feel stuck and maybe it's not a great idea to try to make sense of it all and I think logically I know what I have to do. It's not what the heart wants. My friends all think that once she has nothing to distract herself, she will be back. Everyone hopes she won't try to come back.
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