Wondering2426 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 So I have come here for advice because honestly I just need someone to talk to. About a week ago, my boyfriend of three and a half years broke up with me claiming that he was bored of our relationship and we had become too much like a married couple. We had the usual ups and downs of a relationship, but honestly we were happy basically all of the time. Obviously I was/am pretty devastated. Two weeks before the break up he bought me a bracelet and said (like in the past) that I was the only girl for him and that he still would like to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. And up until the couple days before the break up we were constantly talking about buying a condo and moving in together. Of course, throughout this for 3 weeks he was talking to a girl he had met at university. He is 25 and she is 18. I confronted him about this and he claimed that they were just friends and he would never ever throw away our relationship for a girl who is 18 years old. I was still upset that they continued conversation, but I couldn't do too much about it because I just graduated university and was working full time (at 22) and didn't have any opportunity to meet the girl. There were times when he would stop conversation and really listen to my feelings and then he would start up again. Before the break up he had blamed me for him being in school (because he apparently said he went for me) and blamed me for him stopping his music (he used to play in a band when we first started dating). Of course...looking back I feel like this was a very emotionally immature thing to do. Now that our relationship has ended, I quickly learned, from mutual friends at my school, that he is now dating this girl officially (not even a week after our relationship ended). When I asked him if there was someone else when he was breaking up with me, he said no. As well, my mutual friend went out for coffee with him and found out that this girl didn't know a thing about me or the fact that my ex was in a relationship with me at the time. I do not wish to compare her to myself but I can't help but notice how opposite we are - I am more like my ex in terms of music tastes, I am not much of a partier, I usually put on minimal make up, where as this girl is a girly girl - has a lot of make up always on, has fake nails, and listens to top 40 (not that this is a bad thing whatsoever! I am not hating on her at all. Just pointing out our differences). I know relationships end for a reason, but it is hard to think that after 3 and a half years I get dropped without a second thought. I honestly did everything for this guy, ensured that he was always comforted during his anxiety attacks, did his homework at school when he was stressed out, if he needed food at work I was there, etc. I don't really know if 18 and 25 is a weird age difference for them, we were only 3 years a part. For everyone out there, I am wondering - is this a case of GIGS considering I am his only long term relationship, or is this just a classic case of the fact that he just doesn't want anything involving me anymore? He did leave his previous band without even talking to them whatsoever and 2 months later he wa last back and taking to them trying to reconcile. But at that point they wanted nothing to do with him. His indecisiveness is a bit alarming to me, and it almost makes me think he would come back later on (but really, I don't think I could take him back after all of this). What makes this hard is that his mom keeps texting me (we were like daughter and mom when my ex and I were together) and she keeps saying that she does not agree with his decision and that she can't see it lasting, and her and her son are the best of friends. She is also going to drop off my stuff at some point (I do not really understand why he can't do it himself...sometimes I find that kind of cowardly and immature). Honestly her talking to me puts a damper on my recovery if that makes sense? Anyway what are your thoughts? Thanks for your insight.
Satu Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Paragraphs would have been nice... If I were you, I'd curtail contact with him and his mother. You'd be much happier with a man who knows what he wants and sticks to it. It sounds a bit like you were his deputy mother. Thats never good. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. 2
Author Wondering2426 Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 Sorry I should have edited that before I posted. And yes I agree, cutting off all contact would be best. It is difficult hearing these things from other people. It is difficult for me to finally touch that delete friend option though, it was 3 years of my life and at first I thought friends could be an option but not anymore. And from your post, i realize that I was basically his mom which is a bit embarrassing. And yes, it is so frustrating to be with someone who is always constantly changing what they want. Thank you for your insight! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 You've discovered something about who your ex has become - a man willing to lie to the woman (women, in this case) in his life for his personal benefit. He deceived both of you. And he blamed you for his frustrations in life. From where I stand, he was doing so as a way of alleviating his guilt for cheating and finding a way out that didn't paint him as the "bad guy." Even if he came back, I would not want him around me anymore. For what it's worth, I know how you feel. My long-term ex cheated too, with a woman who is my opposite in nearly every way (I knew her because they'd worked together and I had met her a few times at work functions) I didn't discover the full extent of it until after we broke up, but let's just say it had been going on for a little while. I would stop talking about this with his mother. I know you're just looking for insight, but she isn't her son and doesn't make his decisions for him. It will also hurt you to have that part of him still in your life when he's already gone. It will hurt, but ultimately you don't want a man who will toss you aside like this.
Kelley Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 I had the same thing happen to me, tossed aside for another he cheated on me with, then got together with her. But he has been trying to find a way back to me, but I maintain no contact. I don't want him back, if he could let me go so easily that's his problem. So many people fall for the grass is greener on the other side, instead of watering their own side! It will hit him eventually and you will have moved on by then. I would go NC with everyone you can so you don't know what is going on in his life. It hurts, and it hurts even more knowing. You need the space and time to heal. Remember your self worth and self respect. You are not responsible for his ****ty behaviour, he is!
Author Wondering2426 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 I had the same thing happen to me, tossed aside for another he cheated on me with, then got together with her. But he has been trying to find a way back to me, but I maintain no contact. I don't want him back, if he could let me go so easily that's his problem. So many people fall for the grass is greener on the other side, instead of watering their own side! It will hit him eventually and you will have moved on by then. I would go NC with everyone you can so you don't know what is going on in his life. It hurts, and it hurts even more knowing. You need the space and time to heal. Remember your self worth and self respect. You are not responsible for his ****ty behaviour, he is! I really do want to move on, especially before that happens... how long of a time period did it take for him to come back to you? I know each situation is different but I really have to prepare myself to not accept him back before he does come. I'm surprised he actually hasn't deleted me off of every social media site.
Author Wondering2426 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 You've discovered something about who your ex has become - a man willing to lie to the woman (women, in this case) in his life for his personal benefit. He deceived both of you. And he blamed you for his frustrations in life. From where I stand, he was doing so as a way of alleviating his guilt for cheating and finding a way out that didn't paint him as the "bad guy." Even if he came back, I would not want him around me anymore. For what it's worth, I know how you feel. My long-term ex cheated too, with a woman who is my opposite in nearly every way (I knew her because they'd worked together and I had met her a few times at work functions) I didn't discover the full extent of it until after we broke up, but let's just say it had been going on for a little while. I would stop talking about this with his mother. I know you're just looking for insight, but she isn't her son and doesn't make his decisions for him. It will also hurt you to have that part of him still in your life when he's already gone. It will hurt, but ultimately you don't want a man who will toss you aside like this. For sure. I don't want a man that would just toss me aside for some random girl. That is true. He was trying to alleviate his guilt and show everyone he isn't the bad guy. I am scared that he will come back before I am ready to reject him, is there any way to speed up the process of getting over someone? In this case it should be obvious to everyone, why am I still pinning over him if he went straight to the other girl? But it is complicated, just when he throws you things such as "I want to marry you" "I want two kids with you" literally the week of the break up. Stupid. I shouldn't have believed any of it.
Toodaloo Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 is there any way to speed up the process of getting over someone? You cut contact with your ex. You phone friends and spend time with family. You read a lot and educate yourself, newspapers, books etc. You enroll in a class doing something new. You go out and explore. You get fitter and eat healthily. Thats the fastest way... Still takes time.
Recommended Posts