Ex broke up with me first and then came back/broke up with me again?

[moonchild94]

Long but PLEASE help.

 

This guy was my FIRST bf.We met on Tinder. I was extremely cautious about dating him at first, but I communicated with him asked him what he was looking for. He said a keeper. We went out on 3 dates. I told him I was a virgin and asked is that okay. He said yes and asked me to be his gf officially after one month and even said he loved me. I was still cautious but went with it. Everything was great but I still didn't trust him well. He took my virginity but I started to become insecure. During our gf/bf time, we never went on dates. All he does is drink,play video games, clubs, parties and sit at home. No career and he just turned 25. Lives with parents still. I wanted to do different things with him but he said they were weird. I wanted to give him gifts but he said he doesnt want them or like them. We argued multiple times about how I feel he doesnt like me like he says he does. When hes drunk he asked if I wanted to be his baby's mom, if i wanted a kid with him, how much he loved me. Even before his birthday. I even asked if he was cheating on me because he was becoming distant and talking to this girl on fb who is his friend apparently but he talked to her A LOT. Always messaging her when she had a bf too. We argued like crazy because I always brought up a concern or something bothered me. He broke up with me before his birthday because he said I doubted him. He called the next day and then ignored me. A week later I texted him and he responded and we ended things nicely.

 

3 weeks later he calls me asking for a second chance. I said sure. I asked him what does he want, he said he wanted me and only me. I dropped by his home the next day just to say hi. Then we talked if we wanted to start off where we stopped or do fwb. He said he didnt care whatever I wanted and he wants to do everything with me. I said I wanted to date again but I do miss the sex. We became bf and gf again. I asked him if he wanted a fun (see where it goes relationship) or a monogamous (grow with each other one). I wanted a monogamous one. He said he didn't know yet and we should ease in. Next day he said I should come over for fun (sex) and I said okay. We had sex multiple times on different days. I had to take plan b a second time with him because he doesnt like condoms. I told him we need to use them and be responsible the first time but he never puts them on. One thing that really bothered me was he got a gift from his coworker and he showed he was so happy about it and put it on his social media. I thought back to when I tried giving him a gift but he was indifferent. I started to get very clingy. He wasn't texting or calling as much as the first time. So I started texting him a lot but I was scared I was bothering him. It became excessive and I noticed it but I couldn't stop. He kept messaging other girls who he said was his good friends and I confronted him how come I didn't feel like I was a gf because he didnt talk to me as much. He said we were easing back in and didn't know what he expected from him. That he will not talk to me like before because I damaged him. I drove to him a lot in our relationship. when I mean a lot I mean the whole time. He never drove to me but drove to a party on my side of town. I asked him about it and he got mad and said he will drive to me but he never did. His car broke recently so I understood and I started picking him up and everything just so I can see him, but I felt crappy because I felt like I was putting too much effort in. The story goes on but heres bullet points of what I noticed:

• He drinks a lot. It's his outlet and he admits it. He smokes while drinking as well. He had a DUI but continues to drink a lot daily.

• I checked his text messages and he told people I broke up with him and I didn't try to work it out.

• He tried to get at this girl 3 days before getting back with me and she didnt want him.

 

Past week I've seen him I've been dying on the inside. Screaming I want out but I couldn't and tried to make it work so bad. I feel horrible because every time I wanted to talk he was doing something important like taking his permit test or had work. I couldn't go to work or function because he was stressing me out but then I was putting stress on him because I wanted to talk. Another day he told me that he doesnt feel the same as he did when we first started dating but he had hope that we could. I asked him if he feels this way why is he with me and leading me on. He says he still has feelings and loves me but it's not as strong. I thought to myself that this is misleading. He said he wanted me to show him a lot of effort because I damaged him. I tried so hard but nothing sat right with me. So today I went to his home again to talk in person but he hates talking in person he'd rather do it over the phone. We talked and I was going to leave before he went to work and he ended up missing work because he said I stressed him out and he couldn't function. I told him all Im asking for is comfort. We cuddled a bit after arguing but he kept saying it's my fault for him missing work because of stress. I ignored it and tried to suggest things. Asked him lets go outside to walk just to get fresh air and enjoy time. He said he hates walking and played video games. Told him we dont know eachother well so what do you like to do? I told him I like painting and I want to draw him something and I'll put it on his wall. He said he doesnt like things on his wall. I'm like okay thats fine. I watched him play games again. He was trying to make me leave but honestly I felt stuck. I was supposed to leave to meet a friend but ended up staying for some reason. We went outside and talked again and he said I was wasting my time with him. This is who he is, he doesnt do anything and drinks his problems away. I told him that's okay and I can do the things he likes to do. I've been doing that since we first started dating. He said he cant make me happy or provide what I wanted. That he's not good enough. I told him he is. He said we keep going back to square one and it's never ending and not working. I know it wasnt but I couldn't give up and didn't leave. He said I'm clinging because he was my first and he keeps staying because he has hope but he doesnt want to have false hope and he's sick of arguing.I opened myself up completely and told him why I'm insecure and that I dont trust a lot of people but I had hope in him. That I felt I wasnt pretty enough because when hes drunk he always says he loves latina women.Anyways, HE said he didn't want to talk anymore and told me what else do I want to do him because I treated him horrible. That when he's stressed out he doesnt put it on me but I do to him. I was so desperate that I followed him back into his home. I kept talking it out with him repeating myself trying to find an explanation. Telling him to give me another chance. He said he gave me many chances already. He said we could be friends but I told him he doesnt even treat me as a friend now so how? He got very fed up and angry -- told me he didn't want me and he needs to push me away. I felt betrayed and angry. Stood there in shock talking to myself. He told me he doesn't want to hear that and to leave very rudely. I asked him can he walk down and open the door he said no I could let myself out. That I was a mistake. I told him he was an a$shole and if I kill myself thats his fault. ( That was highly wrong on me I know. It was emotional blackmailing and I should NEVER do that, but I took the high road so long in this relationship and did so much for him and I was ANGRY) I did so much. Everyone around me said to leave him but I didnt. I had my problems. I didn't trust him and I was needy, insecure and emotional. Im trying to fix them but he left me feeling crappy. His coworkers said I was crazy and not healthy for him. He said all his exes left him and cheated on him and I damaged him as well. I told him I'm chasing you and want him but he's just throwing me away so easily. I feel stupid because I lost all dignity and I was begging for him to stay. Got on my knees and everything. I'm not sure whats wrong with me. Scared to be alone or that my first relationship was not what I expected or intended and I wanted it to last longer than 2 months. I thought he would try more because he came back a second time and I felt stupid because I was doing so well but went back to him so easy. I've never felt embarrassed, humiliated and taken advantage of before in my life. I'm 22, I live on my own with my own car and I work/finishing school. I feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world and a failure right now. What did I do wrong besides being needy and insecure?

[Toodaloo]

Being needy and insecure is a big no no.

 

There doesn't need to be more.

 

But there is because you have a complete lack of self respect letting such a bozo back into your life.

 

You are not a failure. You are doing well - you just do not give yourself credit for your achievements.

 

Get rid. Keep it stayed rid.

[moonchild94]

Being needy and insecure is a big no no.

 

There doesn't need to be more.

 

But there is because you have a complete lack of self respect letting such a bozo back into your life.

 

You are not a failure. You are doing well - you just do not give yourself credit for your achievements.

 

Get rid. Keep it stayed rid.

 

Absolutely. He said because I was insecure that's what ruined the relationship. But I honestly never felt so down until I was with him. Ever. I'm usually very strong but he was something. I remember when I said something and I said nvm. He said no say it. I was like no nvm it's ok. He threatened to punch the wall if I didn't say anything.

[VeveCakes]

Please read;

 

https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-intermittent-reinforcement-r210/

 

or watch the video:

 

[NopeNah]

This guy sounds like a loser/douche! 25 and still living at home, I could understand, IF he were doing it for a reason(saving for a home,going to school,ect..) besides having money for booze and a new video game.

[moonchild94]

This guy sounds like a loser/douche! 25 and still living at home, I could understand, IF he were doing it for a reason(saving for a home,going to school,ect..) besides having money for booze and a new video game.

 

He doesnt want to go back to school.

He's in debt so hes paying that off and then he wants to buy a home.

He spends his money on booze a lot and gamble but thats all I know.

Maybe he has another reason? I'm not sure.

[Pegellen]

Oh, boy. You've got yourself a real situation there.

First, let me say that the situation you're describing is not good for you or your alleged BF. It sounds like he's being manipulative and emotionally abusive, trying to lay all his problems on you (you've damaged him), and your being needy and insecure (and on your knees begging? Really?) just pushes him ~ as it would anyone ~ further away from you and trying to "shake you off." It's an absolutely destructive situation for the both of you. He's not willing to take any responsibility for his actions and is content to blame everyone/anyone else for them. He's using you to get what he wants and then when he's had enough for a while, he's back to telling you how you damage him, how awful you are to him.

 

I would hate to see you throw your life away with someone who has priorities which do not match yours in the slightest. Have you considered what life could be like without him? Perhaps you’ll find yourself on the better end of things.

[moonchild94]

Oh, boy. You've got yourself a real situation there.

First, let me say that the situation you're describing is not good for you or your alleged BF. It sounds like he's being manipulative and emotionally abusive, trying to lay all his problems on you (you've damaged him), and your being needy and insecure (and on your knees begging? Really?) just pushes him ~ as it would anyone ~ further away from you and trying to "shake you off." It's an absolutely destructive situation for the both of you. He's not willing to take any responsibility for his actions and is content to blame everyone/anyone else for them. He's using you to get what he wants and then when he's had enough for a while, he's back to telling you how you damage him, how awful you are to him.

 

I would hate to see you throw your life away with someone who has priorities which do not match yours in the slightest. Have you considered what life could be like without him? Perhaps you’ll find yourself on the better end of things.

 

I know I was pushing him away because I kept going to him because I was scared. I was so scared. I told him my life story and opened up to him because I thought he was a friend too and he would understand. He said he gave me too many chances and that he tried but he can never make me happy. He was manipulative. Whenever I say something and he couldn't hear it, I would tell him nvm. When I didnt say anything he threatened to punch a wall. He said he never had these issues with his past gfs. They never fought like this and it made me think there is absolutely something wrong with me. My life and goals is that I want to grow and go places but he didnt want to.. well not with me. With other girls he would do stuff with them or accept gifts but not me. I dont know what I did for him to hate me so much as an individual. I really dont. If he hated me why did he want me sexually/date me. I feel empty now.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is a complete loser. I sure as heck wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole.

 

The only thing you did wrong was not heed the warning signs earlier. There are some things seriously wrong with him, though.

 

I don't buy for a hot second that he never these problems with previous girlfriends. Yeah, right. Of course he did. But he's a giant man-child who emotionally abuses you and tries to make you believe his lies. And believe me when I say he is a liar. He's completely manipulating and using you, and taking advantage of your inexperience.

 

Stay away from him - forever.

[DarrenB]

Sounds like himself and the relationship as a whole was dysfunctional. I'm not saying anything you've done from your behalf aggravated this or it's purely because of him, that can be deciphered by yourself as you know the situation better than anyone here.

 

You've attempted to reconcile, you've stuck by him even due to all of these problems and issues arising. Understandable completely, as this is of course your first real R/S. You've experienced intimacy with him and you are quite evidently struggling to let that go... which of course is perfectly fine. It's always hard to let go of a first real 'love' aka attraction.

 

From what you are writing. I feel this is something you definitely should not pursue. The way we perceive him as to what you have said, I personally do not think very highly, especially of him being his age of 25. He tells you that you are compatible for each other and you want the same things, but is that genuinely the case? I feel you want to settle down, I feel he wants to explore still. So you should let him.

 

You should not doubt yourself and feel so low of yourself. At all. You've done your upmost best to rekindle what you had earlier on in the R/S with him, he has declined that and neglected your attention and needs on multiple occasions. That in itself is not a sign of a healthy R/S. Taking into consideration his drinking and everything, that is also not something that you should have to deal with. Regardless of how much you feel you were suitable for each other, I'm afraid this entire escapade was one of unrequited love and attraction (one sided love/attraction).

 

It is an immense struggle to let go of something that brought you many different experiences, both good and bad. However, in order to move on and apply these features of progression and development for future reference, you must let this one go. As unfortunate as it sounds, you were not as compatible as you may have thought. He is not good for you, he is simply not right for you. It is a shame you've had to in sense waste so much time and effort on someone who was unable to give you the satisfaction and affection that you wanted.

 

Don't think too poorly of yourself. You're not the one to blame. Things simply do not work out sometimes, it is unfortunate but it happens on a quite a common basis. Instead of dwelling and hoping for him to return, and potentially having the same things happen continuously, you must take this on the chin and realise the value of yourself and the value of the love you should be giving, especially to someone who deserves it more.

[moonchild94]

Sounds like himself and the relationship as a whole was dysfunctional. I'm not saying anything you've done from your behalf aggravated this or it's purely because of him, that can be deciphered by yourself as you know the situation better than anyone here.

 

You've attempted to reconcile, you've stuck by him even due to all of these problems and issues arising. Understandable completely, as this is of course your first real R/S. You've experienced intimacy with him and you are quite evidently struggling to let that go... which of course is perfectly fine. It's always hard to let go of a first real 'love' aka attraction.

 

From what you are writing. I feel this is something you definitely should not pursue. The way we perceive him as to what you have said, I personally do not think very highly, especially of him being his age of 25. He tells you that you are compatible for each other and you want the same things, but is that genuinely the case? I feel you want to settle down, I feel he wants to explore still. So you should let him.

 

You should not doubt yourself and feel so low of yourself. At all. You've done your upmost best to rekindle what you had earlier on in the R/S with him, he has declined that and neglected your attention and needs on multiple occasions. That in itself is not a sign of a healthy R/S. Taking into consideration his drinking and everything, that is also not something that you should have to deal with. Regardless of how much you feel you were suitable for each other, I'm afraid this entire escapade was one of unrequited love and attraction (one sided love/attraction).

 

It is an immense struggle to let go of something that brought you many different experiences, both good and bad. However, in order to move on and apply these features of progression and development for future reference, you must let this one go. As unfortunate as it sounds, you were not as compatible as you may have thought. He is not good for you, he is simply not right for you. It is a shame you've had to in sense waste so much time and effort on someone who was unable to give you the satisfaction and affection that you wanted.

 

Don't think too poorly of yourself. You're not the one to blame. Things simply do not work out sometimes, it is unfortunate but it happens on a quite a common basis. Instead of dwelling and hoping for him to return, and potentially having the same things happen continuously, you must take this on the chin and realise the value of yourself and the value of the love you should be giving, especially to someone who deserves it more.

 

Thank you very much for your advice. I agree that me and him were not compatible at all. You see I'm ambitious and he's not. He has nothing going for him and I'm trying to have something going for me. He had a rough childhood and I had a golden one. We were opposite and I thought he came in my life for a reason so we can teach each other things but that wasn't the case. I'm going to say I did have a part in this. I didn't set boundaries for myself and tolerated way too much than I should have. He neglected my attention and put it to other girls who are his friends and that should've been a deal breaker there. He could t even treat me as a friend now so he must hate me. Yeah I was jealous and yes I did argue about petty things on his social media accounts but I communicated and asked him about it. In general the stuff he did wasn't right. I'm the gf, and if you are continuously on a specific girls social media account, I'm going to be suspicious. If you are adding girls you danced with at the club and I haven't met her yet, I have an issue. Wasn't he fact I didn't trust him, I don't trust girls. In a sense he treated me like crap. The fact that he let me walk out of his house like that. The fact that when I was crying and he looked me with no remorse shows me a lot about him. It's my fault because I tolerated this mess. I blocked his number and all social medias. He's never going to contact me again because I hit a low and I was begging for him. I'm sure that's insanely unattractive and because I know him he's searching for another girl already probably. I feel stupid but I have learned. Sucks I wasted time but I'm letting him go.

[moonchild94]

This guy is a complete loser. I sure as heck wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole.

 

The only thing you did wrong was not heed the warning signs earlier. There are some things seriously wrong with him, though.

 

I don't buy for a hot second that he never these problems with previous girlfriends. Yeah, right. Of course he did. But he's a giant man-child who emotionally abuses you and tries to make you believe his lies. And believe me when I say he is a liar. He's completely manipulating and using you, and taking advantage of your inexperience.

 

Stay away from him - forever.

 

Yeah, and the sucky thing is that I saw the signs and I kept going.

That's the problem with me. I dont set boundaries and I keep walking into bad situations.

Also, can I know how you know he is definitely a liar?