Messed up bad with guy :(

October 6, 2016

Hello,

There was a guy I was seeing. Due to my extreme trust issues I broke it off with him 3 times during the 6 date/2 month span.. Basically, he wouldn't label our relationship and he still had a profile,. so I assumed he just saw me as a fwb ( though I haven't went "all the way" with him yet). I explained this to him and each time he told me he wasn't seeing others, liked me, but wanted to date more before getting into a relationship but he wasn't opposed to being my boyfriend. I took him as a player because my trust issues and advice given. Well, broke it off through text the first times and the last in person for closure. He immediately got defensive said what the hell and backed away and barely hugged goodbye.. I figured it's an ego blow and he's disappointed in losing his potential casual sex. I left and he texted and said he didn't understand and he had feelings invested and this was making him lose it. After much texting, trying to explain my insecurities and what the issues were, apologizing and trying to defuse drama, he still seemed mad. He said I wasn't just another girl to him etc. It came to a head when he said he couldn't trust me with his feelings anymore and it was over. I immediately thought I made a mistake. I begged him to see me again and I alluded to making it up to him with sex, but he said no, he can't do it, sorry, he doesn't want to get hurt again.. I begged more ( I know, okay? But I realize now I have strong feelings for this guy) saying how sorry I was that I hurt him and I wanted to see him, but I respected him enough to let go. I had to sleep but he finally said he Needed to sleep on this and goodnight.

I am not holding my breath. I know how psycho I behaved and how I deserve this 100 times over etc etc. but what am I to do now? How can I maximize my chances of getting him back because now I feel I have a better idea of his feelings but i should have trusted him and went with the flow. It's a sad lesson, because I really have strong feElings for him which is why I was afraid to get hurt. I would NEVER do this again. Not to him or anyone in the future. Is there no hope ? It's over. Has anyone been in a similar situation ?

Thanks.

Edited October 6, 2016 by Cookiesandough

October 6, 2016

Girl, you are not ready to date.

You are so afraid of getting hurt that you creates what you fear the most. He's right, there's no reason for him to trust you now. Let him go for good. There's too much hurt and resentment to fix this.

You're not a bad person but you need to get to a healthier emotional place before you attempt dating again. Otherwise you will repeat this behaviour and push away other potentially good guys. We've all been hurt at some point but you cannot hold people emotional hostage for others' mistakes.

And please, never ever offer to make up for something with sex. I cringed hard reading that. Sex isn't a tool. Don't use it as such. Men do have feelings too and you're essentially minimizing the real damaged you caused by assuming sexual favours are enough to compensate. That's just not the case and it was a rather arrogant suggestion on your part, though I know you didn't intend it that way.

October 6, 2016

I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy when it comes to relationships, and the women I have dated say the same about me. I know women can be emotional sometimes and it's just something I take into account. I think most men know this, and we let a lot of things slide. One thing I will not let slide is a girl who keeps breaking things off with me. If a girl wants to break things off, I let her go. A lot of problems can be worked on if people stay together, but someone always threatening to walk away is a lost cause, IMO.

I can't be sure, but maybe your BF was a bit hesitant to commit because you keep walking away? I know I would be. Then again, your instincts could be right about him, and walking away might be for the best.

Thank you. He wasn't my bf yet is the thing there was no label and I think breaking it off after our 3rd date did raise a flag. Would you be understanding if the girl was not threatening she was just scared of being hurt and explained why? The only reason I feel I was wrong about him not being serious about me is because I basically offered to make it up to him with sex and he rejected me and said "so u can turn around and do this again? No I'm good" I kinda hope you're right

October 6, 2016

Girl, you are not ready to date.

You are so afraid of getting hurt that you creates what you fear the most. He's right, there's no reason for him to trust you now. Let him go for good. There's too much hurt and resentment to fix this.

You're not a bad person but you need to get to a healthier emotional place before you attempt dating again. Otherwise you will repeat this behaviour and push away other potentially good guys. We've all been hurt at some point but you cannot hold people emotional hostage for others' mistakes.

And please, never ever offer to make up for something with sex. I cringed hard reading that. Sex isn't a tool. Don't use it as such. Men do have feelings too and you're essentially minimizing the real damaged you caused by assuming sexual favours are enough to compensate. That's just not the case and it was a rather arrogant suggestion on your part, though I know you didn't intend it that way.

Thank you for your advice and understanding. I never intended to hurt anyone and I told them this. I am sad that you are right that it's not salvageable because o did care for him so much. You're right the sex thing was low but I should clarify I just said I wanted to come over and kiss him and say sorry and make it up to him. Each time I've broken it off I said this and did something sexual (not sex) still bad, I know

October 6, 2016

Chalk this up as a learning experience.

I dated a man once who who behaved the way you did. I can tell you that his reasoning didn't matter because the end result is the same: he ran every time we got closer. I was eventually so turned off that I just called it off completely. I could see that he was in no position to be in a relationship and I preferred to just move on so I could find someone who came without the emotional chaos.

Stay single for a while and work on your inner turmoil. That way, your next attempt at dating will be a much happier one!

October 6, 2016

I texted him and told him I'm sorry and I'll let him go.. not to bother himself with the thoughts. It's done :(thank you all

Edited October 6, 2016 by Cookiesandough

October 6, 2016

I texted him and told him I'm sorry and I'll let him go.. not to bother himself with the thoughts. It's done :(thank you all

You have just done it again!

Just relax will you!

Even if it didn't work out and you dated a few months and then broke up what is the worst that would happen? You would be upset for a bit then move on. Its that simple.

I think you need to be single for a while and grow a bit of confidence in yourself before you try to date.

October 6, 2016

I dated a guy for a few months, bit like you I was over eager and the more I tried push him into an relationship, the more he ran away. Looking back now, I believe if I just let things flow we would have lasted a lot longer.

You are definitively not ready for dating, this behavior will scare any guy off and I am surprised he stuck around as long as he has. Take some time off dating and look after yourself:)

October 6, 2016

Hold on, girl. You had every right to feel insecure in the relationship. You were dating 2 months and he still had a profile and wanted to date around?? Please! Yes, he's a player and manipulative. Please do not sleep with him.

I'd break up with someone too after 2 months of non-exclusivity and an active profile on a dating site. I just wouldn't take him back again.

October 6, 2016

If he was still seeing others, you had every right to not be OK with that.

October 6, 2016

Thank you. Yes. That was my concern. We're both shy and only had 6 dates in that time... but I felt like he should have at least stopped being active. He didn't say he wanted to date around, he meant date me more. When I confronted his words were: "Yes I like you but I can't just juump into a relationship. I told you that i was fine with waiting until you were ready. ( I told him I wouldn't have sex until we were in a relationship)Why won't you do the same? I like being with you and hanging out with you. I'm not all about sex and I haven't been talking to anyone else. This back and forth **** you're doing is draining me because I invested feelings for you and I've started to lose interest because of it" that was basically one of the factors that made me consider breaking it off. Maybe I shouldn't have taken him back. Weirdly enough since this he hasn't been on, but I'm sure that will change soon

Edited October 6, 2016 by Cookiesandough

October 6, 2016

Hold on, girl. You had every right to feel insecure in the relationship. You were dating 2 months and he still had a profile and wanted to date around?? Please! Yes, he's a player and manipulative. Please do not sleep with him.

I'd break up with someone too after 2 months of non-exclusivity and an active profile on a dating site. I just wouldn't take him back again.

I don't think that's entirely fair, considering she backed away a few times. Of course they weren't exclusive; she didn't give him much of a chance to get there before she she ran away, on more than one occasion.

If after only a few dates she'd already broken it off a couple of times, why would he remove his profile? If she were in his shoes and posting here that some guy she met on a dating site kept calling it off, what would our advice to her be? I guarantee you most of us wouldn't have recommended going exclusive. We'd probably be telling her to keep her options open because he isn't looking for a commitment and that she will get hurt. In my mind, this is the same thing but the genders are reversed.

October 6, 2016

I don't think that's entirely fair, considering she backed away a few times. Of course they weren't exclusive; she didn't give him much of a chance to get there before she she ran away, on more than one occasion.

If after only a few dates she'd already broken it off a couple of times, why would he remove his profile? If she were in his shoes and posting here that some guy she met on a dating site kept calling it off, what would our advice to her be? I guarantee you most of us wouldn't have recommended going exclusive. We'd probably be telling her to keep her options open because he isn't looking for a commitment and that she will get hurt. In my mind, this is the same thing but the genders are reversed.

I was under the impression that she did this AFTER dating a couple months with no exclusivity. However if she was breaking it off towards the beginning, I agree with you. I'd not want to be exclusive with someone that unstable either. I will have to retract what I said if this is the case!

October 6, 2016

You'd be best served by talking to a therapist about your issues.

You can't expect for your boyfriend to do your heavy emotional lifting. Dealing with emotionally unstable people who will not seek help for their issues is taxing and no one wants to deal with that.

October 6, 2016

Excuse me, honey, but one does not break off relationships with others via text or email. YOU have trust issues? No, first and foremost you are a COWARD, and that deserves to be in all caps. The apology that you owe this man cannot be measured, the lifelong psychological damage you have done to him. You are a truly horrible person to do this. You get no sympathy from me about your past.

That aside, it's too late. Move on. I hope you treat the next guy with more respect.

October 6, 2016

He said I wasn't just another girl to him etc. It came to a head when he said he couldn't trust me with his feelings anymore and it was over. I immediately thought I made a mistake. I begged him to see me again and I alluded to making it up to him with sex, but he said no, he can't do it, sorry, he doesn't want to get hurt again.. I begged more ( I know, okay? But I realize now I have strong feelings for this guy) saying how sorry I was that I hurt him and I wanted to see him, but I respected him enough to let go. I had to sleep but he finally said he Needed to sleep on this and goodnight.

Sorry for sounding like a nerd.

There is psychological principle called cognitive dissonance. What you experienced is Cognitive dissonance.

CD - When out attitude towards someone is not consistent, we modify one of them to have cognitive consistency in our views.

Regardless of your insecurities and trust issues, there must be something that led you to break up with him. The modification of your feelings after his rejection is your mind playing its part in making sense to lot of things that happened and bring consonance.

So I doubt your true feelings about him. So chillax and give yourself some time to recover.

October 6, 2016

I know I deserve it. Shouldn't date. I apologized to him, but I know it's not enough...however, I think I need to give him space to move on.

Maybe it was cognitive dissonance. I hope so I can move on easier. I like his personality and extremely attracted to him. The only reason I can think of broke it up was his refusal to make things official causing me not to think he had feelings for me or was thinking about me long term, even though he said otherwise. But maybe there was something intuitively ..Than k you

Edited October 6, 2016 by Cookiesandough

October 6, 2016

The only reason I can think of broke it up was his refusal to make things official

That wasn't it at all. This was the problem:

Due to my extreme trust issues I broke it off with him 3 times during the 6 date/2 month span

You expected him to have insta-feelings for you and he barely knew you--and you proved unreliable because you broke up 3 times in 2 months, never letting him get to the point where changing his status online would be a good idea. That's too much dang drama. You expected for him to cross your emotional minefield blind without anything looking like a map. That's an extremely unrealistic expectation to put on someone else.

October 6, 2016

That's why if you want to be in a relationship , don't sleep with a guy unless you're in a relationship. You will have to let your standards known upfront

October 6, 2016

This guy is a d-bag.....from what I have read, he is gaslighting you, making you think you are the one that is crazy and switching blame, making you feel you are responsible for all that has gone wrong. The end result is you being confused, feeling bad, and a loss of control. This is his game, to have all the control....you are not crazy, but you need to snap out of it and see him for what he is, a manipulator. Walk away as quickly as possible....DO NOT look back.

October 6, 2016

This guy is a d-bag.....from what I have read, he is gaslighting you, making you think you are the one that is crazy and switching blame, making you feel you are responsible for all that has gone wrong. The end result is you being confused, feeling bad, and a loss of control. This is his game, to have all the control....you are not crazy, but you need to snap out of it and see him for what he is, a manipulator. Walk away as quickly as possible....DO NOT look back.

This is interesting. Do you think that is why OP broke up with him three times within six dates?

Because she was sensing he was gaslighting/manipulating her, and her intuition was telling her to end it?

Then when she ended it, she second-guessed her decision and went back?

Only to feel gaslighted/manipulated again, so broke it off again. Rinse repeat?

Although they fooled around a bit, he also was willing to wait as long as possible to have full on sex. Told her whenever she was ready.

Was that also a manipulation?

Serious question. Interested in your insight on this smackie.

Edited October 6, 2016 by katiegrl

October 6, 2016

This is interesting. Do you think that is why OP broke up with him three times within six dates?

Because she was sensing he was gaslighting/manipulating her, and her intuition was telling her to end it?

Then when she ended it, she second-guessed her decision and went back?

Only to feel gaslighted/manipulated again, so broke it off again. Rinse repeat?

Although they fooled around a bit, he also was willing to wait as long as possible to have full on sex. Told her whenever she was ready.

Was that also a manipulation?

Serious question. Interested in your insight on this smackie.

I am thinking this may be it and it's a pretty frightening thought. There goes any left of my sanity lol.

October 6, 2016

OP,

Nothing good is going to come of ruminating about this.

That ship sailed. Do yourself a favor and move on, The die is cast and you both will distrust each other at the current rate until the relationship blows up anyway.

Make a fresh start in life.

October 6, 2016

I am thinking this may be it and it's a pretty frightening thought. There goes any left of my sanity lol.

You said you had six dates total. Within a two month period.

How many dates did you have before breaking it off the FIRST time?

And why again did you break it off the first time? Because you thought he was a "player" and you have trust issues?

Why did you think this? What things was he doing/not doing that caused you to not trust him?

Or that led you to believe he was manipulating you?

October 6, 2016

What makes me think smackie is right the most is that he kept asking me why I broke it off and how he was so confused. I had been clear before, so I just ignored him. He said " not cool you're ignoring me" so I felt guilty and responded saying I had been clear and also I was worried about his new work schedule conflicting with mine, leaving very little time to see each other. He just said in person " we'll work it out" , but when i said it this time, he said nothing to quell my concern about this. He said "you're right" so I said " why did you just spend the last hour arguing with me about this, then? Is this fun for you?"

He replied, "yes. It's so fun having my emotions toyed with. I'm done. I cant trust you with my feelings now ..etc"

Real 'wth?'

Sign In

Messed up bad with guy :(

Recommended Posts

Miss Spider

ExpatInItaly

Miss Spider

Miss Spider

ExpatInItaly

Miss Spider

Toodaloo

Sara1989

hippychick3

basil67

Miss Spider

ExpatInItaly

hippychick3

kendahke

mortensorchid

Mind-Chants

Miss Spider

kendahke

Sunfire73

smackie9

katiegrl

Miss Spider

Space Ritual

katiegrl

Miss Spider

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...