Hulahoops88 Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 It's been 6 months now and I'm embarrassed to say but I'm stilll obsessed with my ex. It's led to petty online stalking to checking my email by the off chance she has contacted me. I have tried all the cliche tips to move on I.e dating other girls and no contact etc. It's just not getting my mind off her. I'm not sure what action I can take that will help me fully move on?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 You go no contact. Online stalking and checking your e-mail for any messages from her isn't no contact. Fellow forum member Satu says very well what no contact entails. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Replace "he" with "she" in your case. After my relationship ended, I also kept checking my e-mail to see if he wrote. I knew it was unhealthy. So what did I do? I deleted the account, and created a new e-mail, and didn't say anything to him. It helped greatly. I also deactivated my Facebook account. Also extremely helpful. Some other pertinent words from Satu: Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before. Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before. By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future. The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if that appeals to you. 'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 Dating other girls won't help at this point. Online stalking is the emotional equivalent of hitting yourself on the kneecap with a hammer. Stop it. No contact isn't a cure. It doesn't heal anything. It does do two useful things, though: 1. It protects you from any further hurt from your ex. 2. It prevents you being distracted from your healing by your ex. In many cases it takes longer than six months to let go, so don't give yourself a hard time about not being over her yet. If you feel really stuck and unable to make any progress, counselling would be a good idea. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nadine123 Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 You havent moved on because you are still checking her social media out. This is the worst thing you can do for your healing process. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NIGHT1985 Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 You're not giving yourself a chance to heal. As someone that has been down the same road as you( I kept messaging/calling her, checking her social media, and keeping up with mutual friends) I didn't heal at all. We've been split up since last July, but maintained a friendship until may(when she moved on to someone else). I've just now started healing, and it's fricking hard to accept it's over. But it is. The person isn't coming back. Keeping up with them, begging them, and wanting them back won't help. The only thing that can help is pretending their dead. Pretend like they don't exist. It's gonna suck for a long time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 We're all strong-willed people here. We're versatile and capable of accomplishing even the hardest of tasks... especially when it comes to coming to the terms that you and your previous lover are no longer together, and most likely unfortunately never will again. Like alot of people have said, the process of healing and bringing yourself past these hard times is literally just on you. No-one else. It seems it's past the point where, self-doubt, drowning your sorrows away or become non-monogamous will work, because it won't. Therefore you have to take it on the head, realise in yourself that the resolve is gone, she is gone, she is now irrelevant in your life. Do not grieve yourself over someone who has left you with no resolve. It will be hard, no-one said life is easy, no-one said love is easy. No-one said breakups would be easy. But you will overcome this and overlook this situation months, years, time from now and wonder... what was all this unnecessary fuss about? You've got this mate. Hang in there! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 You need to stop stalking her, period. Don't find out anything about her. Block her on social media. She needs to be FULLY out of sight, out of mind. I always found that doing that made me feel MUCH better after a couple of months to where I could start to casual date. For me, getting out w/the opposite sex to have drinks and laughs was healing for me. Dating keeps your mind on other women vs. an ex. The other key is you have to have self love and respect. You have to say to yourself, why am I pining for someone who doesn't want me? Your mind should be repeating "you don't want me in your life? You got it".. Get mad. I refuse to pine over someone who doesn't want me.. Screw that.. If you date on a regular basis, you'll find someone who you really like, click with and when you start dating her, the ex will be gone from your mind. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
heartbrokenlady Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I should know all of this. I had a horrific break up when I was in my teens, was almost suicidal. It took me 2 or 3 years to get over it but I did. I should be able to do it now. I'm an adult and have suffered far, far worse, but... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Frozensushi Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I should know all of this. I had a horrific break up when I was in my teens, was almost suicidal. It took me 2 or 3 years to get over it but I did. I should be able to do it now. I'm an adult and have suffered far, far worse, but... I was told that after every break-up that it gets easier. Well, you know what? It hasn't. It actually got worse! So don't beat yourself up too much about it. We are grieving over a big loss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Hulahoops88, I'm sorry you're suffering like this, it's frustrating for you and it's stopping your healing. If we break up sometimes we want answers, explanations, we want them to hurt like we do, we want closure etc etc. We prevent our own healing because we get so involved with them that we forget about us. I would suggest you get some counselling/therapy - I did, and I learned a lot about myself. Some of it was stuff I didn't like, some of it was stuff that I could use, some of it was stuff I needed to throw away. Try it - good luck x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frozensushi Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Hulahoops88, .....we want them to hurt like we do, we want closure etc etc. We prevent our own healing because we get so involved with them that we forget about us. That's very true. We do get caught up in what's going on with them when we should be focusing on ourselves. We don't have the power to change them or anyone else. We can only change ourselves. I might look into therapy myself. I think it would help greatly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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