On again off again finally off

[Panda8]

My boyfriend of two years finally broke it off with me a month ago. We lived together the entire time we dated. He broke up with me four times and kicked me out of the house four times. The first breakup was because he didn't think he could see a future with me and that we weren't compatible. The second time was because on Valentine's Day he didn't get me anything and I texted my sister upset about it and told her-he went through my phone and found it and dumped me. The third time was because I got upset with him at a wedding after a few drinks and questioned how committed to me because whenever I asked about the future with him his answer was he wasn't sure if we'd end up together (even though in the beginning of the relationship he always talked about a future) and the fourth time was because after the third breakup my sisters boyfriend messaged me telling me to not get back together with him for a fourth time since he treats me like crap. Well he went thru my computer onto my Facebook and found it-assuming I told him details which I never have-he heard that from my sister. My family was no longer accepting of the relationship since he had ended things and kicked me out of the house so many times. He had numerous other issues

Trust-always going through my phone and computer even though I never ever crossed a line with any other man. I only ever wanted him.

Confidence-he always thought I was too pretty for him-he never believed I loved him and always thought I'd leave him for something else

Holding grudges-he could never let conflict go he would treat me poorly for weeks after and couldn't let go

Anger-he couldn't control his anger at time-breaking things, calling me a bitch and threatened to hurt me once

Compromise-he could never compromise, we always watched the movies he wanted to watch, did what he wanted to do

Control-never wanted me to tell friends or family anything-I had to tell them a lot to explain the four times I had to move back to my moms house

OCD-the house had to be in perfect shape, I never knew when he's flip out over something so small as to the way I swept the floor

Anxiety-any little problem was the end of the world- he never slept either.

Besides this he had a great side to him too-could be loving, romantic and kind but I'm still so in love with him. I went as far as to go to therapy for him. I had my own issues which was sensitivity and defensiveness but I ALWAYS wanted to resolve conflict, always wanted to make it work. So I have recently found out he's dating again and it's killing me. I can't even accept the fact it's over. I've lost everything, he was my world, I lost my house which he now lives in alone and our dog. I am 26 and living with my mom again and don't know where my life is going. I miss him every day even though I know the treatment I went through. I am hoping for other perspectives on this. Please be constructive not critical.

[AT15]

I'm sorry your feeling this way. Someone on this forum brought to light that we are apt to "over value" the good parts of the relationships, when the lows of the relationships were so bad. I have a question for you?

 

Would you want a little child exposed to his psycho behavior? Because I would be concerned about that.

 

I know how defeated you feel, I feel the same. I don't know if and when I'll make it past the other side, but my last hope is to trust that life is taking me to higher places than where I've been. I'll keep faith for you too.

[Panda8]

Thank you for the faith, and you are right I would never want a child with someone like that teaching them all the wrong things. I feel almost brainwashed by him, when someone tell you everything is your fault over and over you start to believe it. I just don't know how to cope with him on a dating site already searching for the girlfriend I never was. Makes me feel worthless and like I wasn't good enough.

[Zahara]

Thank you for the faith, and you are right I would never want a child with someone like that teaching them all the wrong things. I feel almost brainwashed by him, when someone tell you everything is your fault over and over you start to believe it. I just don't know how to cope with him on a dating site already searching for the girlfriend I never was. Makes me feel worthless and like I wasn't good enough.

 

But he made you feel worthless and not good enough 4 times when ke kicked you out and I'm sure during as well. Why is it that just because he's dating you feel that way? He's been showing his lack of value in you throughout your relationship.

 

Work on your self-esteem to empower yourself and not to try and conform into what you believe would make some man happy. It seems like you've lost sense of what you truly deserve and what entails a healthy and nurturing relationship. When a man kicks you out over and over and you keep accepting ill treatment, YOU have taught him that you have no worth. You need to take full responsibility for where you've put yourself. If you see no value in yourself, no one else will.

[aloneinaz]

OP- Do me a favor. Act like you're reading your post and someone else wrote it. What advice or suggestions would you provide to them?

 

Now, I can't imagine anyone NOT telling you to move on w/your life w/him not in it. What about that relationship is there to really miss? That relationship was dysfunctional, toxic and unhealthy.

 

I agree with the suggestion already provided. You need to spend some time alone before dating again to figure out why on earth you stayed in that relationship and went through FOUR different break ups. That's not the norm nor is it healthy for you.

[Downtown]

Panda, I agree with the advice given by AloneInAz and the other respondents. I further note that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., his irrational jealousy, strong anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, inability to trust, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid mood flips between adoring you and devaluing you.

 

He broke up with me four times and kicked me out of the house four times.

If your exBF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent traits), that is to be expected. BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of 460 such relationships found that about 40% of them experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

The primary reason for the frequent breakups/makeups is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that you are always in a lose/lose situation with a BPDer. As you draw close to assure him of your love, he will soon feel engulfed and suffocated by the intimacy. He therefore will push you away by creating a fight over nothing.

 

Yet, as you back off to give him breathing space, you will start triggering his great fear of abandonment, causing him to start love bombing you again at some point. The result is that BPDer relationships exhibit a repeating cycle of push-away and pull-back.

 

I feel almost brainwashed by him.

If you really were dating a BPDer for 2 years, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling "brainwashed." It is common for the abused partners of BPDers to feel like they may be losing their minds. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

When someone tells you everything is your fault over and over you start to believe it.

Again, if he is a BPDer, that is to be expected. A BPDer seeks frequent validation of his false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." Hence, once the courtship period ends, he has a powerful need to blame his partner for every misfortune and unhappiness.

 

Anger-he couldn't control his anger at time-breaking things, calling me a bitch and threatened to hurt me once.

The key defining trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. Indeed, when BPD traits are very strong and persistent, the BPDer likely has the emotional development of a four year old. The result is that a BPDer will exhibit temper tantrums and other displays of anger. This is why, of the 9 behavioral traits that are used in defining BPD behavior, 3 of those symptoms contain the term "anger" or "rage."

 

Trust-- always going through my phone and computer....

Again, this lack of trust is a warning sign for BPD. Because BPDers are so emotionally unstable, they cannot trust themselves. Until they learn to do that, they cannot trust anyone else for an extended period.

 

Confidence-he always thought I was too pretty for him-he never believed I loved him and always thought I'd leave him for something else.

This is another red flag. BPDers have such low self esteem, they live in fear that -- once their partners realize how empty they are on the inside -- those partners will walk out. If your exBF is a BPDer, he likely was capable of believing you truly loved him at times. But he would have been unconvinced that your love would be lasting. His perception would have been that your love could disappear at any time when you discover his true worth.

 

Control -- never wanted me to tell friends or family anything-I had to tell them a lot to explain the four times I had to move back to my moms house.

Because a BPDer has a great fear of engulfment and abandonment, he has a strong need to control your behaviors to prevent you from being close for too long (engulfment) -- or far away for too long (abandonment). And, to enhance that control, a BPDer does not want your friends or family involved in your R/S because they could interfere by taking your side.

 

OCD-the house had to be in perfect shape -- Anxiety-any little problem was the end of the world.

The vast majority of BPDers also suffer from a co-occurring "clinical disorder" such as OCD, PTSD, bipolar, or depression. A recent large-scale study found that 23% of full-blown BPDers also suffer from OCD and 74% suffer from an anxiety disorder. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

Besides this he had a great side to him too-could be loving, romantic and kind.

My experience is that the vast majority of BPDers are good people who are easy to fall in love with. Their problem is not being "bad" but, rather, being "unstable." Indeed, two of the most beloved women in the world -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both suffered from full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

I went as far as to go to therapy for him.... I am hoping for other perspectives on this.

I suggest that you ask your therapist (ideally, a psychologist) for a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with over the past two years. I also suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man like him. Take care, Panda.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Downtown