napster007 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 (edited) Okay so **** has hit the fan. Please have patience and read till the end. I'm in great turmoil. I’ll start with a little backstory to give you an idea on how I ended up in this situation. So I started college in 2013 and used to like this girl but she was already in a relationship with someone else (Let’s call him dumb-ass, well, because he was). In 2015 she got with a guy (Let’s call him Mr.X) and didn’t work out well. Also in 2015 I was dating someone else and it didn’t work out for me too. Skip to 2016 January. We were on a college trip and since that trip she showed interest towards me. I took it and we started dating after coming back from the trip. I proposed her in February. March was the month where everything went haywire. So this Mr.X out of nowhere wanted her back and behind my back was talking to her. She broke up with me in March stating that I’m not taking the relationship seriously. All throughout the week I kept convincing her trying to get her back, wrote her letters etc. I even asked her “is there someone else”? She denied. She came back. We cleared things out. I heard from my best friend that she broke up with me because she was confused between me and Mr.X. I was expecting that she would tell me this later. April passed by, May passed by, June too. I even taunted her once or twice and about this and she didn’t even denied. Finally in the last week of June she told me about it and said that she had met Mr.X thrice without my knowledge. Two times before breakup and once after breakup. She also said she is not sorry for meeting him and will not. So you might say yes, I was kept as a choice at one point. It’s about self-respect I know but I didn’t knew at that point. Fast forward to present, a few days ago I was installing some software in her laptop and found a folder in her quick access>frequently used folders. Surprise! Surprise! It was Mr.X’s photo. Shirtless as well. Now how do you react when you come to know that your girlfriend is keeping both her ex’s (dumbass as well as Mr.X) pics in her laptop? She made a promise to me that on our 6th monthversary she would delete everything from her past. Yet here I see all this. I confronted her about this and she says there is no trust, I have trust issues. You checked out my laptop. You have male ego issues. When she was going through my phone she found some pics of my past partners and I deleted them there and there itself. Anyways I lost everything in my hard disk data loss accident. What do I do? Considering all the above scenario. A few things about her: She is the emotional, dependent types. Her parents probably didn’t give her enough attention. No proper communication with either mom or dad. Mom is not okay with boyfriends and keeps taunting her. My parents are cool with me keeping girlfriends and she says I’m a spoilt child. Weak at heart. Lots of ego, ego & ego! I’ll give you one example. All the months that we celebrated I always took her somewhere nice. She had never been to candle light dinner. I took her to candle light dinner in the first month itself. Took her to a boat ride, she had one when she was a kid. Tried to teach her driving and riding (bike). So this time on our 6th month I told her you plan something out. She said why should I? You do it. After a lot of argument she accepted and decided a spot and tried to do it as a favour. Like – I’m doing this thing you want to come or else don’t come. I mean come on. You’re taking me out. Do it out of love and not treat it as a favour. Also Mr.Dumbass was kind of overpossesive and over caring and I think this might have resulted what she is now. So again guys what do I do? Am I going wrong somewhere? Should I break it or make it? I kinda made a promise to myself(being the nice guy that I am) that I would change her from the weak,over-emotional,dependent little girl to an independent,strong woman. P.S- Ages, both 21 YO. Edited August 19, 2016 by napster007
RecentChange Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 You don't set out to change people. That is what you are doing wrong. And chasing a girl who seems like warm about you. Your goal of changing her is all wrong. Find someone you like who doesn't need changing. 3
LD1990 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 So again guys what do I do? Am I going wrong somewhere? Should I break it or make it? I kinda made a promise to myself(being the nice guy that I am) that I would change her from the weak,over-emotional,dependent little girl to an independent,strong woman. Wow, what a saint you are. Is this a plan you shared with her, or did you just assume she was so screwed up that she needed your help, regardless of her opinion on the matter? By the way, what exactly qualifies you to change her? Are you a therapist? Life coach? Tony Robbins? You should break this off. She probably isn't over her ex, I mean she's keeping shirtless pics of the guy on her computer, you clearly don't trust her, and it seems like you do all the work in the relationship. Six months in and already it's this stressful? Screw that, abandon ship. 1
spiderowl Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 It sounds like you don't trust her because she has previously lied about meeting this guy. I don't blame you. I don't think that having a picture of an ex necessarily means she does not love you or that she intends to get back with him. Most people like to keep reminders of parts of their lives, unless there was something particularly hurtful. I find the 'erase all photos of past people' idea a bit extreme. If she was accessing that photo frequently and communicating with him flirtatiously instead of being with you, that would be different. Trying to change her is not a good idea. Telling her to make the romantic night out treat is sort of missing the point. Traditionally, the man treats the girl and spoils her. However you might think about equality and so on, it is a kind of protective gesture which is bonding in itself. By insisting she do it, you are inadvertently tipping the apple cart and probably making her feel less bonded with you. I don't know if there are other ways in which you could be doing this. Basically, telling her what to do and trying to make her into something she isn't, is not a good way forward. Obviously you do need to think about whether you really trust her or not, but it sounds more to me that you look down on her for wanting a man who is protective and loving. Your attitude in that respect will come across to her. Is that how you want to be? That is the kind of guy she wants and needs. Are you two well-matched in that respect?
Author napster007 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 Traditionally, the man treats the girl and spoils her. Agreed with you sir but... However you might think about equality and so on, it is a kind of protective gesture which is bonding in itself. By insisting she do it, you are inadvertently tipping the apple cart and probably making her feel less bonded with you. But don't you think that sometimes, maybe sometimes it feels nice if your girl reciprocates the love or whatever it is by taking you out herself and spending time with you. You take her out 100 times, you plan stuff, everything. 101th time she does, will you not feel nice? Genuinely take you out and not treat that as a favor. That's what I was trying to say.
Author napster007 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 You don't set out to change people. That is what you are doing wrong. And chasing a girl who seems like warm about you. Your goal of changing her is all wrong. Find someone you like who doesn't need changing. I think I'll listen to you guys about the changing her part.
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 What you must face is that you are not a guy she loves. She doesn't love you enough. You're not her type enough. She likes her ex better and chances are she will find someone she likes better than both of you. She was killing time. I'm sorry. But this is why if it isn't strong enough to happen earlier when you met, it's probably not ever going to be strong. Blow her off, block her, and just find someone else. You were moving WAY too fast with her anyway, which probably also was a red flag to her. You need to get to know someone over a year or two before proposing. Now you're baffled as to what happened because you didn't really know her at all. She wasn't who you hoped she'd be. For that, I'm sorry. 1
Aloha808808 Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 To be honest Napster it sounds like she doesn't really respect you and without an equal amount of both love and respect from both sides the relationship is going to continue to be tumultuous at best. The pair of you will keep repeating this cycle your both on unless you are both willing and committed to working something out.
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