Blindsiding breakup

[cl1119]

Looking from advice from an unbiased community. Going through a breakup right now with my boyfriend of a year and a half. We are both 27, have great jobs, good family lives, and had nothing but love and respect for each other. We moved in together about 6 months ago which in hindsight was too soon for us, only had been dating about 9 months...but it just felt right. I won't lie and say that our relationship was perfect. We went through a period where we got extremely codependent on each other. I began to drop spending time with my friends, drop my own interests, and focus solely on the relationship. I work a very high demand job and the stress from that combined with putting all of my happiness on him made for a very difficult patch when we moved in together.

 

He, being as supportive as he is, did nothing but try to make sure I was happy, cared for, and loved. He never once expressed he was feeling unhappy with the way our relationship had become, and not to mention...he dropped his own interests too. Looking back, I can pinpoint when we got into that stage of boredom and stopped trying to do things to make each other feel appreciated. After all, we spent all of our time together so the need for effort was lost.

 

About 3 months ago, he woke up one morning and stated he had to move out. He said "I can't do this anymore. you're not happy." I assured him I was happy and acknowledged my flaws in the relationship, i.e dropping my own passions, relying on him to make me happy, and communicated that I wanted to work on it and wished he had told me how he was feeling. He stated he has trouble identifying his emotions and communicating them. He moved out, and then the day after came back, in tears, stating he wanted to work on things and that living together was too stressful but he didn't want to lose me. We tried to stay together and live apart but instead that only lead to me becoming further fixated on the relationship and feeling insecure about our future. We had discussed marriage and buying a home and had been talking about engagement in the near future, so taking a step back from living together was hard and I admit I had a hard time adjusting to it.

 

Fast forward to a month after he moved out- the lease was up, I had to move out. He approached me and said he felt like he was constantly having to reassure me about the relationship and that I was too focused on it and it made him feel worn down. He told me he loved me and that he wanted to keep the doors wide open for us in the future but that he just couldn't do it anymore. He said he needed to be by himself and that this wasn't about seeing other people but that it was about our mental health and sanity, stating that we could be better together if we were stronger individually, like we were when we first met.

 

We moved out together that day, packed together, and before going our separate ways, he said he loved me, was sure that a year from now we would look back and laugh at this, and said it would make for a good story at our wedding someday. Then, after parting ways- we went into radio silence. I worried he would flip flop again as it was clear he is confused. He told me he was sorry but he couldn't shake the feeling that he was overwhelmed and needed to be alone. I have not seen him since moving out that day. He made it clear to me that he could not see me face to face, stating the feelings are too strong and that it is hard to say what he needs to say.

 

I contacted him only once since, to tell him I am moving to a new apartment and need to get my furniture from our storage unit. He was almost robotic, answering questions very matter of fact. He asked where I was moving to and when and then quickly stated "it's none of my business though." I asked him if he wanted to meet to talk and he stated he was sorry but he only wanted to communicate about storage right now.

 

I am so hurt, and so confused. I recognize we both had unhealthy patterns, but the love was so strong and the things he said to me at the end were so genuine and so heartfelt that I feel like it's hard to know why he is doing this. I am in therapy and working on my own issues in relationship, trying to care for myself better and get back to the independent person I was before we met.

 

Am I crazy for thinking there is still a chance for this to work out in the future? Is he just trying to clear his head and take room to breathe or does it sound like he's really done?

[BluesPower]

I don't know if this helps, but here is my take. Either he is telling the truth and he really does have trouble commutating, and a lot of guys do or he is not.

 

Now, if he is telling the truth, at least he is somewhat self aware even if he cannot verbalize it. If he, and you do too, feels like you two got way to codependent with one another, you know someone should pull back and he did.

 

On the other hand, he could just not be that into you and does not want to say it out loud. Or, he has found someone else, i.e., cheating, and wants to be done with the relationship.

 

In any of these cases, there is nothing that you can do, so you have got to move on. You really need to find someone new and use the new tools that you learn to make that relationship better.

 

Good luck