To all Dumpee's: It gets better....

[Liono84]

Wow, I haven't been on here in ages. I think the last time I even logged on this site was more than half a year ago or so. Anyways, quick background.

 

My ex whom I had dated for close to a year and a half, broke up with me last year exactly at this time. I'm in my early 30's and she's in her late 20's. Long story short, our relationship became long-distance and even though we're both from the same city and she had planned on returning back home to where all her family and most of her friends are once grad school was done, she felt that distance was too much and she drifted apart. (I recently found out maybe about a month ago that this was a lie, as real reason was she found someone else). At the time of the break-up, I did not even know how to handle it and was completely blind-sided (although looking back, it was so obvious this was going to happen). I tried EVERYTHING I could to not let her go through with the decision by telling her why we could make this work and how we could still make this work. After a few hours of that dreadful day, we kissed and parted good bye. This was temporarily our last communication as I broke down in tears when I got home and tried again to reconcile via phone/text only to get dissed again. My final words to her were if she would to ever change her mind to contact me and she said if that happened she could.

 

The months after that were a really dark place for me. Every day felt like a week, every week felt like a month and so on. I had moments where I would sort of break-down in the very beginning and cry. I was so unmotivated to do anything. I stopped going to the gym, my career drive was on permanent hold etc, and I was just a sad human being. I still managed to force myself to go out, but it was very difficult and I had a hard time enjoying others and having fun. With the passing of every month, I would get a little better, but it was sort of hard to notice at the time. I still constantly always thouhgt of her and the biggest mistake I did was believing in my heart that she would come back to me. You see, even if you say to yourself that you won't do that, it is so very difficult to truly act on it. I was lying to myself and I would make excuses. I would tell myself wait until my birthday, or wait until Thanksgiving, or wait until Christmas, or wait until NYE for the time to occur when she would contact me. These land-mark days would come and go and I wouldn't hear a single beep. I kept on believing in this lie that although she broke up with me, it was ONLY for the temporary state and this too shall pass... In hindsight, I handled it completely wrong and I wish I could've accepted the loss in its finality when it happened rather than carrying out this long false sense of hope for reconciliation which not only deferred my pain, but made getting over her so much longer. The only thing I would say I did good, was I never contacted her after the break-up. I never texted, emailed, called or social media messaged her in any way. I also removed all forms of videos, pictures and memories of her.

 

After NYE passed, it had been roughly 5 months or so and that was when reality finally had set in for me that this was over for good. It's only when you finally realize that, when things truly turn around for you. I don't know how or why, but the moment when I truly, honestly, believed in my heart of hearts that this breakup was real and was PERMANENT, was FOREVER, was when I met my new girlfriend. I think it may just because you no longer carry this baggage or sadness within you, and by doing that, even though you can't actually see it, and even though others can't see it physically either, it just a change of aura and energy levels that helps you gravitate with the right match...... Maybe it's bull****, but I think there is something to it that's definitely true to an extent

 

Anyways, so it's been a good 6 months that I'm with my new GF and I couldn't be happier. I look back at what I went through and why things ended and can't help but laugh. Even though I truly loved my ex, and still feel that distance played a huge role in our breakup, I also feel as though it was meant to be. I'm with someone who is soooooo much different than her and someone who I couldn't imagine myself with, but it's actually a much better match. She is just as pretty, she is younger, more easy going, more compatible, more stable in that she's not the type of person who would abandon her fam/firends and a little more dorky, too loll.. I usually have a "type" with personality traits, and she fits with NONE of the above from my checklist based on my prior ex's, but you know what, there's a reason why all of them never worked out before and this was has true potential. So I come here to tell you guys, that not all is dark and this is just a phase, and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.. To summarize, I'll just stick to the following main things that I've come across in this long journey.

 

- When someone breaks up with you, please take them for their word and accept the loss as PERMANENT. Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule with couples reconciling, but the vast majority of breakups will NOT end up in reconciliation. Even if, there is reconciliation (again, odds are heavily against you), it's usually for a small amount of time. In the end, from my experience, the inevitable will come true again and it won't work out.

 

- The quicker you truly accept the loss as permanently over, rather than carrying out with false hope, the quicker you'll recover.

 

- Don't believe the reason(s) a dumper gives for their breakup. This is obvs, but it's always harder to accept with your situation than with others when your giving advice. (Mines stated distance, school, work, stress and all that made perfect sense. I actually believed that was the reason for almost a year until i recently found out that she was in a new relationship only months later, which led me to believe i became the backup plan and #2 became #1).

 

- You'll only get stronger. Even tho we'd all rather not go through with getingt dumped and getting our heart broken, it is true that it makes you stronger and proves you're more resiliant than you ever thought.

 

- You can't measure progress in the span of days or weeks, so DON'T DO IT. It's kind of like weighing yourself every hour of every day, or seeing a small driplet of water come down. When you actively gauge your progress, you will get very frustrated because you will come to the conclusion that you're not making any. So, don't do it. Just trust the process that youll eventually get over the tunnel. You won't realize but one day, you'll say to yourself, "Hey, you know what, I haven't even thought of that bitch in over a month(S)...."

 

- When the day comes and you come across a pic of your ex with their new loved one, or find out that an ex of yours is with someone new and is either in a new relationship, or is engaged or is married, and it doesn't effect you one bit, that's when you can laugh and know it doesn't mean **** anymore.

 

- Rather than saying "Why me?" but thankful that this happened sooner rather than later.

 

- You'll find someone better. There's a reason why it didn't work out and be thankful for it. I vividly saying to myself that I would never love someone the same way as I did with my ex, and that I could not do better and I would probably have to settle. Guess what? All those were WRONG. I'm with someone better in almost every way than my ex.

Edited June 28, 2016 by Liono84

[Lonely Cloud]

This post has given me more hope for myself and I thank you, people who come back after having their heart broken to let us others know it gets better is what makes this an amazing community.

I feel that their is no light, that I can't get over her but this post helped me realise if it wasn't meant to be, it's just not meant to be. That someone better is going to come along.

Thank you.

[Pud]

Thank you this also gives me hope, I've been split 3 months now and been NC for only 9 days that seems like 9 months. Only today have I tried ringing her mum to see her thoughts of if she'd take me back, we was together for 5 years and I truly can't believe it.

 

Constantly looking for that something to hang on to that she'd take me back, I'm constantly wrighting messages and deleting them. I to think there's no hope and will never find anyone as caring it loving as her.

 

I do hope one day I can return to this forum and Wright simliar to you but this moment in time seems very unlikely.

[Charlie99909]

Thanks, man. I've been split up almost 4 months. This time last year we had just started dating were doing a lot of exciting dates. I know that I need to keep it in perspective and move on, but you sound like you did the same things I'm doing now. I just wish I could convince myself it gets better.

[bummer]

- When someone breaks up with you, please take them for their word and accept the loss as PERMANENT. Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule with couples reconciling, but the vast majority of breakups will NOT end up in reconciliation. Even if, there is reconciliation (again, odds are heavily against you), it's usually for a small amount of time. In the end, from my experience, the inevitable will come true again and it won't work out.

 

- The quicker you truly accept the loss as permanently over, rather than carrying out with false hope, the quicker you'll recover.

 

- Don't believe the reason(s) a dumper gives for their breakup. This is obvs, but it's always harder to accept with your situation than with others when your giving advice. (Mines stated distance, school, work, stress and all that made perfect sense. I actually believed that was the reason for almost a year until i recently found out that she was in a new relationship only months later, which led me to believe i became the backup plan and #2 became #1).

 

These are all so good. Thank you.

 

I hope everyone who comes here to LS initially asking about second chances and what ifs could tattoo these three lessons on their arm the day of the breakup. But I guess each has their own journey. I know I did.

[gaig]

I am glad the dark days (actually these ***ing dark mornings!!!) are over for you..

You fought for it and you deserve it

[Jam005]

A month on from the breakup and I am still going through these dark days. I believe everything you say, I will make it through this. It is just hard at the moment.