She loves me and will regret it, but dumped me?

[Xidion]

I have a unique situation and I will try to keep it as short as I can.

 

Back Story:

 

Her and I dated for 4 months. The uniqueness of this is that she was 5 1/2 months pregnant when we started dating.. I knew and decided to go on a date with her. She was honest and said that she got drunk one night and had a one night stand and got pregnant. She had told the father immediately when she found out and he would only contact her to call her every name in the book and tell her she shouldn't have even of kept it.

 

Now, over these 4 months, we had an amazing relationship. We connected on a spiritual, intellectual, and emotional level. We became best friends and lovers. After the "dating" stage and into being together, we talked every day, always had a great time. She began to fall for me hard.. very hard. She was always open with her feelings.

 

I stayed guarded because of the situation. I envisioned the father coming around and her wanting to work things out with him, but she always assured me that wouldn't happen because of how his wishy washy actions were toward the pregnancy.

 

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago.. the baby was born... the guy wants a paternity test. It comes out positive and he proceeds to call her every name in the book and not contact her much about it. Fast forward to 1 week ago, she calls me and said she underestimated the fathers willingness to be in the baby's life and said they will be discussing visitation and settling it in the courts.

 

Meanwhile, our relationship is healthy.. she never once showed signs of pulling away from me, in fact, it was the opposite, she continued to express that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

 

Now, 2 days ago.. She comes over and has some things to talk about with me concerning the plans and visitation. She informed me that she would want to be able to spend time with the father and the baby as a family at times, which I understand that, but I wouldn't be comfortable with that as a romantic lover to her. Basically the entire situation boiled down to she couldn't tell me that it wouldn't ever happen, and I wasn't willing to give in to being okay with it.. everything else, sure.. but not that.

 

She cried and cried and cried, hugged me and didn't want to let me go. She kept letting go, turning around, and coming back to hug me more. Told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and finally actually said the words "I love you". While crying and holding onto me her exact words were "I know this isn't the ideal time, but I love you"

 

She went home with some thinking to do (at that point it wasn't over). we talk for a couple days and she admits that now she has feelings of wanting to try to make things work with the real father for the child. (she grew up in a very broken home and always wanted a nuclear family). She pondered this for 2 days, called me crying telling me it was a lose lose, because if she chose trying to make a family, she loses the best thing that's ever happened to her and her best friend, but on the flip side if she chooses me, she loses the chance at giving her son what she never had.

 

Today.. the verdict.. she chose to try to give her son what she never had. She told me she loved me and that she has never loved a man the way she loves me, but if she doesn't at least try to give her son what she never had, it will always haunt her. She offered friendship.

 

I told her that I love her and that there is no way I can be friends with her because I desire her romantically. I wished her the absolute best with her son and told her that I hope she gets everything she ever wanted out of a family. Told her thank you for being so great to me for these past 4 months and that a piece of her will always remain ion my heart. She replied with.. I will never stop loving you, there is just a more powerful force at work here and none of this is because I don't want you. I made sure to tell her that if she thinks she has made a mistake, that she is welcome to call me, but outside of that, I think's it's best for both of us if we don't contact each other (which will be hard because for the last 4 months we never went 1 day without a "good morning sweetheart"). I said, I guess this is goodbye. I love you, Ashlen, She replied with, I love you too, Noah. Bye.

 

That was that. The only time I've ever went through a breakup that ended with love. I know she is hurting just as much, if not, more than I am. But she is doing what she feels is best for her baby boy, and who am I to get in the way of that?

 

Having said that, I'm absolutely heartbroken. She is an amazing soul, and amazing woman, who I saw myself marrying. She became my best friend, the person I told everything to. Now she is gone. Sigh...

Edited June 23, 2016 by Xidion

[LD1990]

Her and I dated for 4 months. The uniqueness of this is that she was 5 1/2 months pregnant when we started dating.. I knew and decided to go on a date with her. She was honest and said that she got drunk one night and had a one night stand and got pregnant

 

Do you live somewhere completely devoid of non-pregnant women to date? You had to know you were stepping into a hornet's nest here. I can't think of a worse time to start dating a woman than when she's a couple months away from having another man's baby.

 

She's in a lousy situation and trying to make the best of it. You were going to be a part of that lousy situation and no longer will be thanks to her decision. I get that it hurts now, but you dodged a bullet here. Heal up, get back out there, and meet some new women without baby bumps.

[LostOnes05]

Bro, you sound like a really good guy. In regards to her, trying to make it work for the sake of a child will NEVER work. This guy didn't even want the child, demeaned her character and now all of a sudden wants to be a happy family? Doesn't really work like that. She will be miserable and probably want to lean on you for emotional support. But where do you draw the line? You love her so you can't just be friends and if you provide that support you will only hurt yourself when she takes it and goes back to her family. Stay in NC, heal, and find a woman that isn't tied to someone else for whatever reason. Best of luck man!!

[Xidion]

Do you live somewhere completely devoid of non-pregnant women to date? You had to know you were stepping into a hornet's nest here. I can't think of a worse time to start dating a woman than when she's a couple months away from having another man's baby.

 

She's in a lousy situation and trying to make the best of it. You were going to be a part of that lousy situation and no longer will be thanks to her decision. I get that it hurts now, but you dodged a bullet here. Heal up, get back out there, and meet some new women without baby bumps.

 

I realize that it wasn't a good situation to put myself in, but I did. I trusted her and I shouldn't have. I was willing to deal with those things after I got to know her. Hindsight is that I never should have gotten involved at all.

[Xidion]

Bro, you sound like a really good guy. In regards to her, trying to make it work for the sake of a child will NEVER work. This guy didn't even want the child, demeaned her character and now all of a sudden wants to be a happy family? Doesn't really work like that. She will be miserable and probably want to lean on you for emotional support. But where do you draw the line? You love her so you can't just be friends and if you provide that support you will only hurt yourself when she takes it and goes back to her family. Stay in NC, heal, and find a woman that isn't tied to someone else for whatever reason. Best of luck man!!

 

I let it known that I won't be her friend and the only reason she should ever contact me is if she feels like she made a huge mistake. NC is the route I'm taking. I do need to heal and I do feel as if I'm a great guy. Thanks for the support, man.

[Jersey born raised]

There is a strong chance she will contact you in the future as a "friend". Listen tell her you understand, hang up and contact a friend of her's explain her issue and ask for them to help her.

 

She is in a horrible place to make a decision now with her body adjusting. Accept anytime you actually step up, beside contacting her friends" you are enabling her. Which is actually a cruel thing to do.

[Xidion]

There is a strong chance she will contact you in the future as a "friend". Listen tell her you understand, hang up and contact a friend of her's explain her issue and ask for them to help her.

 

She is in a horrible place to make a decision now with her body adjusting. Accept anytime you actually step up, beside contacting her friends" you are enabling her. Which is actually a cruel thing to do.

 

I'm not sure I completely understand what you're trying to say.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry for your situation, OP.

 

The truth is that it would have been very difficult to make this relationship work in the longer term. Her life just changed in a huge way and you haven't even begun to really see how she will be impacted by being a single mom.

 

I understand you two started off well, and I don't doubt she cares for you. But the first four months were not her "reality", so to speak. She hadn't yet needed to face the monumental turn her life was taking. Now it's sinking in.

 

You did the right thing bowing out gracefully. Good for you for keeping your self-respect intact and wishing them well. That says positive things about your character.

 

There are other more viable options out there for you.

[Xidion]

Sorry for your situation, OP.

 

The truth is that it would have been very difficult to make this relationship work in the longer term. Her life just changed in a huge way and you haven't even begun to really see how she will be impacted by being a single mom.

 

I understand you two started off well, and I don't doubt she cares for you. But the first four months were not her "reality", so to speak. She hadn't yet needed to face the monumental turn her life was taking. Now it's sinking in.

 

You did the right thing bowing out gracefully. Good for you for keeping your self-respect intact and wishing them well. That says positive things about your character.

 

There are other more viable options out there for you.

 

 

Thanks for the input. You're right, once the baby actually came into the world, things probably changed for her and her idea of what she wanted for the child. It's all just an odd scenario because she never once made me feel unloved and stuck to the idea that none of this is about her or what she wants, it's about what she thinks is best for her son. It's actually more difficult knowing she loves me and still let me go.

[kgcolonel]

The big concern I see (which really may not directly relate to you) is that the baby daddy appears to be somewhat abusive. That being said, has she considered what kind of dad he will be and what he'll be teaching the child as to how to treat women?

 

In these cases, no father is better than an abusive father.

[Buddhist]

So she thinks shacking up with some guy who doesn't even like her is the best thing for her son? I just can't buy into that logic at all. And when that all falls apart her son will still have a part-time dad and she will have lost something real. Sorry, but I don't think she is very smart.

[Xidion]

The big concern I see (which really may not directly relate to you) is that the baby daddy appears to be somewhat abusive. That being said, has she considered what kind of dad he will be and what he'll be teaching the child as to how to treat women?

 

In these cases, no father is better than an abusive father.

 

I asked her several questions concerning this. He drinks a lot and has shown his emotionally abusive behaviour. He wasn't there for her at all. It almost seems like he just doesn't want to pay child support. She said she thought about all of that and that it was a very strong argument. It just seems that her desire for a family is so deep, her itch won't be relieved until she at least tries. I'm not counting on it, but I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from her eventually. Not to mention, she's 26 and he is in his 40s.

[Xidion]

So she thinks shacking up with some guy who doesn't even like her is the best thing for her son? I just can't buy into that logic at all. And when that all falls apart her son will still have a part-time dad and she will have lost something real. Sorry, but I don't think she is very smart.

 

I don't get the logic either. I was supportive of her and even supportive when the dad originally said he wanted to be involved. I think he should be, but the route she is taking just seems like a recipe for disaster. For her sake and the fact that I care deeply for her, I hope it works out the way she wants it, but I don't see it being ideal for the child. She thinks she's being unselfish, but really I think she is being very selfish in wanting a nuclear family without really examining all of the negatives that are going to come with her situation. And yes, she did lose something real, but knowingly. That was her choice.

[Giggles666]

You're in a tough spot. Sorry to hear. Easier said than done but I think the NC and your other decisions are logical. You can't control any of this so I understand it being hard. I feel for her also. I don't think she is going to be happy or get a family from what you have explained. I think she is in for a learning experience and not a good one. Biological families are not better than loving families if there is abuse and agendas.

 

I wish you the best, you sound like a good guy in a bad situation. I think you sound logical about this and will get through the frustration.

[Xidion]

You're in a tough spot. Sorry to hear. Easier said than done but I think the NC and your other decisions are logical. You can't control any of this so I understand it being hard. I feel for her also. I don't think she is going to be happy or get a family from what you have explained. I think she is in for a learning experience and not a good one. Biological families are not better than loving families if there is abuse and agendas.

 

I wish you the best, you sound like a good guy in a bad situation. I think you sound logical about this and will get through the frustration.

 

With knowing her and her childhood and what she went through, I hope it does. She grew up without her biological mom, and her first step mom was an alcoholic and would get really violent.. Maybe that's where she gets the desire to work it out no matter what she's presented with, but it's like being drunk if you ask me. Thank you for the kind words, above all.. I'm still hurting and you guys are helping me through it.

[bummer]

It wasn't stated explicitly but did you offer to man up and raise the child as your own and take this girl seriously? Or did you just want to stay together? I can't fathom why a loving sensible dude as a father is at all worse than abusive drunk old guy sperm donor.

[Xidion]

It wasn't stated explicitly but did you offer to man up and raise the child as your own and take this girl seriously? Or did you just want to stay together? I can't fathom why a loving sensible dude as a father is at all worse than abusive drunk old guy sperm donor.

 

 

I'm glad you asked. We had that conversation. I told her that I love her and I can love her child just as much. I let it be known that her and I could show her son a life of happiness and set an example of real love. I was more than willing to take on any role I needed to and that was ALWAYS clear and bold. Still.. I think she is obsessed with the idea of the biological dad being in her life since she never had her biological mother.

[bummer]

I'm glad you asked. We had that conversation. I told her that I love her and I can love her child just as much. I let it be known that her and I could show her son a life of happiness and set an example of real love. I was more than willing to take on any role I needed to and that was ALWAYS clear and bold. Still.. I think she is obsessed with the idea of the biological dad being in her life since she never had her biological mother.

 

So the crux, while hormones and newness are still so new, is you are uncomfortable if abuser old man gets to still walk into the party and she wants him there?

 

My hope and instinct feel he will soon be nothing more than a check in the mail if he can't shape up. Then you jump back in as lover and daddy if it's not too late.

[Xidion]

So the crux, while hormones and newness are still so new, is you are uncomfortable if abuser old man gets to still walk into the party and she wants him there?

 

My hope and instinct feel he will soon be nothing more than a check in the mail if he can't shape up. Then you jump back in as lover and daddy if it's not too late.

 

I'm guessing after awhile she will find out it's not going to go how she wanted it to and i will hear from her at some point. If I'm healed and moved on by then, it will be her loss

[privategal]

It seems you are a plan b for when the father bails out.

Why couldnt she let you and her coparent? She has no relationship to that guy.

Not saying you were obligated to take on the child as your own but 2 loving partners when you had been there through half the pregnacy and were doing well?

You might have made a great team but she didnt try and instead wants her one night stand abuse slinging "father" to coparent with her?

 

Think of it this way..theres more drama to come with her choices plus being together for a shorter time..you still had lots of sides to eachother you had not seen as you were in the honeymoon phase.

A screaming baby, new bills, an exhausted mom...this puts a strain on even long term marital partners.

 

It might be better to truly block your phone and email and social media and take a big step back...reconnect with yourself...reading, running, alone time, outings with friends, beach, trip, family...

Just check out for a bit and unwind, heal...HER family is no longer your priority.

She made a choice..please dont get sucked back in, its disrespectful to you.

Kudos for not being friends.

Do not be a plan B.

Edited June 24, 2016 by privategal

[Xidion]

It seems you are a plan b for when the father bails out.

Why couldnt she let you and her coparent? She has no relationship to that guy.

Not saying you were obligated to take on the child as your own but 2 loving partners when you had been there through half the pregnacy and were doing well?

You might have made a great team but she didnt try and instead wants her one night stand abuse slinging "father" to coparent with her?

 

Think of it this way..theres more drama to come with her choices plus being together for a shorter time..you still had lots of sides to eachother you had not seen as you were in the honeymoon phase.

A screaming baby, new bills, an exhausted mom...this puts a strain on even long term marital partners.

 

It might be better to truly block your phone and email and social media and take a big step back...reconnect with yourself...reading, running, alone time, outings with friends, beach, trip, family...

Just check out for a bit and unwind, heal...HER family is no longer your priority.

She made a choice..please dont get sucked back in, its disrespectful to you.

Kudos for not being friends.

Do not be a plan B.

 

 

It seems that way. Maybe that's why she finally spewed the words "I love you" and wanted to keep me as a friend... to keep me there incase something goes wrong. I was of her upmost importance until the day she got the call from the sperm donor. It went downhill from there.

 

I'm still experiencing the hurt, loneliness, etc.. I really do feel as if i lost my best friend.. BUT.. I can't focus on that to heal. I need to focus on myself.. you're right. She made her decision, even if.. in my opinion, it was the wrong one. Thank you..