He broke up with me because I'm not a Christian. But i still have to see him everyday

[KatieNguyen91]

I’m 25 and a Buddhist. My ex is 31 and a Christian. We’ve been together for a year now. Before we get into the relationship, we were both aware of our religion differences. We agreed that if we ever have kids, we would let the kids decided what religion they want to follow.

 

Recently, we started making plans for the future, and he’s saying that he wants his kids to follow Christianity. He said he doesn’t want me to talk about my religion at all with the kids, that I have to hide everything about my religion. He doesn’t want his kids to be confused.

 

It wasn’t sitting well with me at first, but after consideration, I agreed with him, to let the kids follow his religion. But he came back telling me that it won’t work even if I do that. He said that not because he doesn’t love me, but “it’s not about love, it’s about how we spend eternity.” So he broke up with me. All of that happened in a 2 days frame. I even offered to convert but he said I have to do that on my own, not because of him. I asked if we can discuss it and he said he’s made up his mind and there’s nothing to discuss.

 

At this point, I don’t know what to do, I’m still deeply in love with him that I was willing to put my differences aside to make the relationship work, but it seems like he just doesn’t want to.

 

If breaking up is not bad enough, we live together in his house, and now I have to find a place to move out. On top of that, we work together in the same department so I have to see him every day and it’s killing me. I don’t know how to act around him. Help!

[Methodical]

If you whittle yourself to conform to what he wants, eventually you'll be a pile of rubble.

 

IMO, he was looking for a reason to end the relationship and religious differences are a hot spot when ppl are strongly rooted in their faith and/or convictions. You offered to convert and he still said that it's over, which tells me he wasn't willing to give your compromise a second thought. I doubt his true motivation for ending your relationship was solely bc of religious differences.

[Alpha_Male]

Are you vietnamese?

[KatieNguyen91]

Are you vietnamese?

 

Yes, i am Vietnamese

[KatieNguyen91]

If you whittle yourself to conform to what he wants, eventually you'll be a pile of rubble.

 

IMO, he was looking for a reason to end the relationship and religious differences are a hot spot when ppl are strongly rooted in their faith and/or convictions. You offered to convert and he still said that it's over, which tells me he wasn't willing to give your compromise a second thought. I doubt his true motivation for ending your relationship was solely bc of religious differences.

 

On the contrary, i truly believe the reason he broke up with me is because of religion. He has a young daughter and he's thinking about her too. He doesn't want her to be confused. And he doesn't want me to convert because he doesn't want that to be on him, he's afraid that i would change my mind later down the road or resent him because of it

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm Buddhist too. I follow the Theravada School.

I was once Catholic.

 

I'm very saddened by your Bf's attitude, because it's insular, egotistic and biased.

I'm sorry to put it that way, but it is.

 

Buddhism existed as a calling, long before Christianity did, but the wonderful thing about it is, that as we have no eternal Omnipotent, all-powerful Godhead, it can almost entirely be practised alongside any other religion you want, with no detriment to either.

 

You can be any theistic religion you want - and embrace Buddhism as an ethical, moral and positive-social practice.

 

However: You cannot be Buddhist, and practise a theistic religion to its fullest extent, precisely because in Buddhism, the existence of God is not so much disputed, as it is irrelevant. You don't need God to be a wholly 'good' person.

But sadly - as is amply demonstrated by your Bf on a mild scale - Having God in your life, can be a divisive catalyst.

 

Please do not betray, belittle or trivialise your religion and practice by offering to simply lay it aside and state you'll convert.

Not because it's a bad thing to do - but because your motivation is not spiritual; it is carnal and demonstrates an unskilful attachment - something the Buddha taught as the 2nd of his 4 Noble Truths.

 

You're not doing it for the true reason of faith.

You're doing it to convince him to stay with you.

 

To an extent, I can understand his reasoning.

According to Christian teachings and thought, the way to God is through Christ. He wants his child brought up to follow a Christian path.

 

That said, I don't agree with his train of thought. I don't think children should be baptised, or committed to ANY religion at all, until such a time as they can make up their own minds.

 

And even if he gets his way, there is no guarantee that any child he raises, will remain within the confines of his chosen religion anyway.

I mean, look at me - born, baptised and raised a Roman Catholic. Now a Theravadin Buddhist.

 

I'm sorry.

I think in this case, he has the upper hand. Because I think that if you have practised Buddhism all your life, any conversion to Christianity will be superficial. And he may be right. There is EVERY chance you WILL have a change of heart, later.

 

There is no worse resentment than doing something because you believe it will please someone else, and eventually regretting it.

 

Do not betray your roots for something as ephemeral as a relationship of this kind.

[TaraMaiden2]

Read the NC Guide in my signature for more practical support. We'll help you in any way we can.

[d0nnivain]

If breaking up is not bad enough, we live together in his house, and now I have to find a place to move out. On top of that, we work together in the same department so I have to see him every day and it’s killing me. I don’t know how to act around him. Help!

 

 

Religion is a tough thing to overcome. It's not an area where most people can compromise.

 

 

You need to find a new place to live & I mean now. You have to be outta there by next weekend.

 

 

At work but polite, professional but aloof, cool & distant. Do not make eye contact. Talk about work only as required. Meanwhile polish your resume.

[kidm]

On the contrary, i truly believe the reason he broke up with me is because of religion. He has a young daughter and he's thinking about her too. He doesn't want her to be confused. And he doesn't want me to convert because he doesn't want that to be on him, he's afraid that i would change my mind later down the road or resent him because of it

 

So after a year together, he freaked out about your religion and is not willing to discuss a way for you two to be together. It doesn't seem to me religion is the only issue here but I may be wrong. Th fact that he is unyielding and doesn't want to discuss anything says to me he wants out irrespective of the religion issue. I've had a few friends who have converted because they met and fell in love with a person of a different faith (christian to jewish, christian to hindu, muslim to christian). Wanting to convert is a weighty topic that should be taken seriously but if a man loves and wants to be with you, he would at least be willing to listen to your thoughts on the issue and support you through the process if YOU decide to go through with it. It seems to me he just doesn't want to commit/take the relationship to the next level and has hanged his hat on the major point of contention. I'd find a place to move to ASAP.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think kidm makes an entirely valid, credible and salient point.....

[katiegrl]

I think kidm makes an entirely valid, credible and salient point.....

 

As did Methodical earlier in the thread.

 

With whom I wholeheartedly agree.

 

He was looking for an excuse to end it and found the perfect one.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Can you stay with a friend? Family for awhile?

 

Request a transfer to different Dept?

 

Drastic I know but you need to move on.

 

And lesson learned not to get involved with anyone at work.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think kidm makes an entirely valid, credible and salient point.....

 

As did Methodical earlier in the thread.

 

With whom I wholeheartedly agree.

 

...

Yes, I'm so sorry, I missed that.... Thanks for pointing that out.

[BC1980]

You would have been miserable if you had decided to convert just to stay with him. My first BF was Jewish, and he told me from the outset that he would not intermarry. To each his own. We were just young kids though. I thought about converting but couldn't go through with it in the end. I was too young to make that kind of decision anyway. Your ex might have thought he could handle it, but he started to feel differently once it became reality.

 

Definitely start to look for a new job. Working with an ex means you'll never be able to get over it if you see him every day. For now, remain cordial but distant. Don't discuss personal matters at work.

[Zapbasket]

When he started dating you, he obviously thought a) that he could spiritually / emotionally / intellectually accept your religious differences and b) that even if he'd PREFER a Christian partner, his vision of what a relationship could be with you made him feel it was worth a shot at overriding some of his core values.

 

Now that a year has passed, I think his breaking up with you indicates one of two possible things: a) that he thought about the religion issue more and decided that his faith is not something he is willing to compromise, in any way, and therefore he had to break off with you, or b) that he's not satisfied with the relationship enough to bridge his core spiritual values or compromise in any other way. Confusingly, it probably is a mix of both these things.

 

Unfortunately, people ARE allowed to change their minds. He probably proceeded in the relationship with you with true intentions, but as he learned more about you and the relationship with you, he decided it was best to end it. Which SUCKS, but it can and does happen.

 

There's a third possibility: that he simply got scared as the relationship got more serious and lacks the communication skills and self-honesty to work through his fear. What better, less debatable excuse than religious differences to escape his feelings? Your intuition will tell you whether this is indeed possibly the case--if he was closed off and had trouble communicating in the relationship with you, it could point to this being the real reason he broke it off. But if he is this way, by definition he lacks the self-honesty to be able to tell you that he broke off because he was afraid. He might not be even vaguely aware that this is what underlies his decision; religious differences is so ready and perfect an excuse.

 

Don't ask him to clarify further. Do move out as quickly as you can--don't stall hoping he might change his mind or because you can't bear the fact of the split. I know it hurts but it will DESTROY you to spend any more time than necessary sharing his house with him. In fact, if you have a friend or family member you can pack a suitcase and temporarily live with NOW, please do so. At work, perhaps address him in private (at home) to say that you would like to not have any more contact in the office than necessary, and you would like for him to respect your wishes. That way, once you're in the office, you will be sure to be on the same page in this regard. Hopefully he is someone who will respect that reasonable request, and endeavor to give you as much space as he can. Office mates noticing the change and asking about it--you say simply, "We have chosen to break things off and I would prefer, please, not to talk further about it."

[KatieNguyen91]

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

 

After careful consideration, I have made the decision to convert. I started going to church occasionally anyway before I start dating him a while back even though it wasn't my religion. People might say I'm doing this because I want to save the relationship with him. While that might be true at the moment, I think I'm doing this for me more than him.

 

I told him the news about my decision. And he said he can't wholeheartedly believe me and that he's not going out on a limb right now to save our relationship. He said God has put the decision on his mind and heart and he's not changing it. He also said maybe if I continue to build my relationship with God, maybe things will be different down the road.

 

I asked what is he expecting me to do? Wait for him around, prove to him that I truly believe in God and wait for him to make the decision that I'm worthy enough to take me back? He said no, he's not expecting my life to revolve around him.

 

I told him I rather go through this new relationship with God with his support and love, but I'm going to do this with or without him. And I ask him to make the decision. If he still has faith in us that it's going to work then great! But if not, I'm gonna walk out that door and I'm not coming back. Not down the road when I build that relationship with God, not ever!

 

Whatever his decision is, I'll accept it. And I already signed the lease for an apartment, going to move out this week. As of work, the funny thing is, we both just got transferred to the same department 3 weeks ago, so no, I can't move anywhere and neither can he. Just have to suck it up, I guess!

 

PS: I don't doubt that he loves me though. I can tell from his eyes and his voice when he said that to me. That he loves me and it's just the wrong timing right now

[266696687]

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

 

After careful consideration, I have made the decision to convert. I started going to church occasionally anyway before I start dating him a while back even though it wasn't my religion. People might say I'm doing this because I want to save the relationship with him. While that might be true at the moment, I think I'm doing this for me more than him.

 

I told him the news about my decision. And he said he can't wholeheartedly believe me and that he's not going out on a limb right now to save our relationship. He said God has put the decision on his mind and heart and he's not changing it. He also said maybe if I continue to build my relationship with God, maybe things will be different down the road.

 

I asked what is he expecting me to do? Wait for him around, prove to him that I truly believe in God and wait for him to make the decision that I'm worthy enough to take me back? He said no, he's not expecting my life to revolve around him.

 

I told him I rather go through this new relationship with God with his support and love, but I'm going to do this with or without him. And I ask him to make the decision. If he still has faith in us that it's going to work then great! But if not, I'm gonna walk out that door and I'm not coming back. Not down the road when I build that relationship with God, not ever!

 

Whatever his decision is, I'll accept it. And I already signed the lease for an apartment, going to move out this week. As of work, the funny thing is, we both just got transferred to the same department 3 weeks ago, so no, I can't move anywhere and neither can he. Just have to suck it up, I guess!

 

PS: I don't doubt that he loves me though. I can tell from his eyes and his voice when he said that to me. That he loves me and it's just the wrong timing right now

 

I know you probably do not want to hear this but I don't think you converting is going to change his mind.

 

I don't think him ending the relationship was solely about your different religions. That's just the excuse he is willing to tell you. Most people are not honest about their reasons for breaking up a relationship. They give you instead a justification for leaving a plausible one or an excuse. Either way it is rarely the unadulterated truth.

 

Listen to what he is actually saying to you. He is feeding you the standard breakup lines.

 

1. Maybe things will be different down the road.

2. He has made up his mind and won't be changing it.

3. He doesn't want you to revolve your life around him.

 

He is telling you loud and clear that the relationship is over. The first statement he gave you is to create a false hope in ypu that perhaps you'll reconcile. This is so that you behave civilly with him (you work together) going forward in the hopes of returning to the relationship. It keeps you hoping that you can somehow change yourself in order to become what you think he wants. Which you are now doing. Converting in order to draw him back.

 

Secondly when he said he won't change his mind that is in direct conflict with what he has said above. He is subtly letting you know his decision is final without upsetting you.

 

Thirdly he is telling you to move on by letting you know you don't have to revolve your life around him. This is the clearest one of all as he is saying he isn't concerned if you move on to someone else. Someone who loves you couldn't stand the thought of you moving on.

 

If you had wanted to convert you would have discussed this prior to the breakup during your year relationship. He will see your converting now as nothing more than a desperate attempt to get him back.

 

You need to take a time out so you can actually get some perspective and adjust how you see the situation. You need to keep him as much as you can at a professional distance. No chit chat no personal conversation. Only discuss work with him as and when needed.

 

Taking the blinkers off after a relationship can take some time. Give yourself a few weeks to adjust to the change before doing anything else. You may well see the situation differently in a few weeks.

Edited April 25, 2016 by 266696687

[bathtub-row]

This guy is one self-righteous, "my way or the highway" jerk and I wouldn't give one inch trying to please him. The worst thing you could ever do is give up your beliefs and principles for someone else.

 

You're just not hearing what people are trying to say to you. He's lying to you about why he's breaking up with you. Something else is going on. I know you think that these religious zealots are above reproach but many of them are appallingly dishonest and justify every wrong thing they do. Do not be surprised if you find out that he's engaged to someone else very soon. He's going to tell you that God put that in his heart.

 

If you're really sincere about becoming a Christian, then you would be better off going to another church. I wouldn't be within ten feet of this guy unless I absolutely had to be. He is about to drop a sledgehammer on you. Just sit back and watch the show.

[bubbaganoosh]

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

 

After careful consideration, I have made the decision to convert. I started going to church occasionally anyway before I start dating him a while back even though it wasn't my religion. People might say I'm doing this because I want to save the relationship with him. While that might be true at the moment, I think I'm doing this for me more than him.

 

I told him the news about my decision. And he said he can't wholeheartedly believe me and that he's not going out on a limb right now to save our relationship. He said God has put the decision on his mind and heart and he's not changing it. He also said maybe if I continue to build my relationship with God, maybe things will be different down the road.

 

I asked what is he expecting me to do? Wait for him around, prove to him that I truly believe in God and wait for him to make the decision that I'm worthy enough to take me back? He said no, he's not expecting my life to revolve around him.

 

I told him I rather go through this new relationship with God with his support and love, but I'm going to do this with or without him. And I ask him to make the decision. If he still has faith in us that it's going to work then great! But if not, I'm gonna walk out that door and I'm not coming back. Not down the road when I build that relationship with God, not ever!

 

Whatever his decision is, I'll accept it. And I already signed the lease for an apartment, going to move out this week. As of work, the funny thing is, we both just got transferred to the same department 3 weeks ago, so no, I can't move anywhere and neither can he. Just have to suck it up, I guess!

 

PS: I don't doubt that he loves me though. I can tell from his eyes and his voice when he said that to me. That he loves me and it's just the wrong timing right now

 

OK. If you go through with this, what makes you think that there won't be another demand or two down the road?

 

Ones religious beliefs are personal and no one has the right to call you out on it and force you to changes your beliefs.

 

The only thing a person has they can call their own are their values and if you let some some guy use them for his own gain then you have nothing so stop where you are and find yourself a man who wouldn't care one way or the other what your religion is.

[PogoStick]

God told me you should kick your boyfriend in his teeth.

[BC1980]

I'd really advise against making any big decisions right now, which includes converting to another religion. You are highly emotional right now. I would take at least a year. Some religions require that you practice the religion for one year before you are allowed to convert.

[TaraMaiden2]

OP, please state 5 definite reasons why you actually now believe in God.

 

Thank you.

[KatieNguyen91]

Just want to give everybody an update.

So after I gave him a day to think about it, he came back and told me he hasn’t been able to come up with any other decisions, so this is the end. I asked if I could hug him and he said yes. So we sat there on the couch, wrapped up in each other arms for a while. Of course I cried, and he cried too. I told him everything I’ve been feeling since the break up on Monday, all the nightmares that I had. Lay out all of my emotions. I asked him “you must be thinking that I’m so weak and pathetic now” and he said no.

We stayed like that for a while; I didn’t want the moment to end. I caressed his face, staring at him, trying to take in every little detail while he caressed by back, comforting me. I told him “I’m wishing so badly right now that you would tell me not to go.” I know, I know! It sounds so much like I’m begging. I just didn’t know what to do. Finally, after about 2 hours, I kissed him one last time and said my goodbye. It was so heart breaking.

After that, I got up and started moving my stuff out of his house while he sat motionless on the couch. He kept stealing glances at me as I moved around, but he didn’t say anything. He looked hurt and I was in shell-shocked and numb.

So I stayed at my apartment for the first time last night. I was so calm, unable to think or feel it yet. But it hit me this morning when I walked in and saw him at work. I’m pretty sure it will get worse as the days go by. I’m thinking about NC. Or at least LC because we still work together and see each other every day. I just don’t know how to do it yet. I want to block him on Facebook but I haven’t found the courage to do it. Somewhere in me, I’m still hoping that he would check my Facebook, see when I’m online. Blocking it make everything seems so final.

[stillafool]

But it is final. He had every opportunity to change his mind and ask you to stay but he didn't. Block him and start your healing. He won't be back.

[KatieNguyen91]

I talked to him today.... I told him "I don't know how to act around you. I don't know if i should keep talking to you like friends or not talking to you at all." And he said "we can still talk like normal, just can't have the intimacy relationship. However much you can handle." Deep down inside me, i was still clinging on to the hope that one day we eould get back together, and his reaction hurts me so much.... He just doesn't seem like he cares at all. And it makes me angry too. I'm over here, broken, sad, grieving and he just doesn't show a tiny bit of emotion. I'm about to unfriend him on Facebook.

[Methodical]

You are trying to hold onto an unraveling thread. He isn't interested in ANY compromise, even one where you offered to convert. He is done with the relationship. When you told him you didn't know how to act around him, his response was direct and to the point. He literally means however much you can bear bc he's done and it's not affecting him the same way it is you.

 

You'll see him at work, but you don't have to socialize. Thinking there's any hope of rekindling this relationship is only going to prolong your misery. It's time to cut your loss, go thru the grieving process and move on.