Fiancée is wanting to break up

[HeDestroyeth]

To start, I will try my best to sum things up the best I can so it won't be a very long and dreadful read.

 

I am 20 years old and my fiancee is 21 and about to be 22 in May. We have been together for four years. I would say that overall we have had a good relationship. We've had some very tough fights and with those fights we would be on the verge of breakup, but we always came together and pulled through. This time things are different. She's wanting to leave for good. She was my first everything. My first kiss, my first love, etc.. I wasn't her first anything.

 

So the story begins last year when I asked her to be my wife. She was the one who pushed marriage on me for probably around a year. I'll be honest, I wasn't sure about it so I just decided to do it to make her happy. Anyways, we were very happy for a long time. We were both on top of the world and just going through life. Then the past few months became different. We stopped seeing each other as often because she got a job and was working 5 days a week. I must admit I became a very lazy boyfriend. I stopped taking her out on dates. I stopped doing everything that a boyfriend usually does for his girlfriend. I'm not sure exactly why I stopped doing those things. I think that I just felt that now that she's my fiancee that I didn't need to do all of those things to keep her happy.

 

Over the past few months she has become extremely unhappy. She would try to tell me how unhappy she was and tell me to do literally anything to change things. She told me this maybe 10 times. But I was too immature and arrogant that I didn't listen to her. I didn't think she was being that serious and I didn't think she would ever leave me. I'm regretting it 100% now.

 

A week ago she went to the beach with her girlfriends. They went clubbing and went to bars almost every night the entire week they were there. I didn't like that at all, but I trusted her enough to give her my approval of going. She came back home and I noticed she was acting different. I couldn't figure out exactly how, but I just had that knot in my stomach ya know? I asked her about it and she denied that anything was wrong, but I kept pushing until she finally admitted it. She said she was 100% loyal on her trip, but one of her friends brought a guy back to their room and had sex with him.. Her friend also has a boyfriend. She told me that while she was there she had a very big urge to cheat on me and hook up with anyone, but that feeling has also followed her back.

 

We both come from very strict families. We have never had the opportunities to party, drink, or have hookups before since we were so young when we got together.

 

Now, she told me last night that her feelings for me have faded. She said she still cares about me and loves and doesn't want to hurt me, but she isn't in love with me anymore. She said the thought of having sex, touching me, or even doing anything romantic with me now just makes her want to puke. She said it's not even based on looks or anything in that nature. She said she just wants to have a hook up and go wild for a while. She also said that she doesn't even want to think about getting married anymore.

 

I told her that if she breaks up with me and does all of these things then she isn't going to be happy forever. She will do these things and get to finally experience them, but it will get old after a while and she's going to want someone to love her again. She told me she knows these things and that's why she hasn't left me yet. I also let her know that I'm not going to be here to love her again when she does get tired of living that lifestyle.

 

With all of that said, I don't know what to do. I'm in so much pain and I don't want to lose her at all. I love her way too much to just give up these past 4 years of my life and look at it as a mistake. At the same time I feel that we may not be able to recover from this because of how serious it is. She told me she's still willing to give it a try and hang out again, but she also said that she has convinced herself that it's too late to fix or change anything now. A part of me just wants to keep trying and hang out a few times to see if we can find that spark again. The other part of me that has all of this pain is telling me to let her go because I deserve someone better.

 

What should I do? Has anyone else been in this situation before? What would you do? Should I let her go and let her experience all of these things and try again when she gets tired of it?

[CarrieT]

I am 20 years old and my fiancee is 21 and about to be 22 in May.

I didn't have to read much beyond this.

 

You two are too young. Seriously.

 

She is already growing out of being a teenager - when you two met - and hasn't yet experienced full adulthood.

 

Trust me. By the time you are approaching your 30s, you will be thankful this ended now.

[Blanco]

Yeah, I honestly only skimmed a couple sentences after seeing how young you both are.

 

No one here is trying to be dismissive of your pain, but marriage at such a young age is rarely a good idea.

[LD1990]

A week ago she went to the beach with her girlfriends. They went clubbing and went to bars almost every night the entire week they were there. I didn't like that at all, but I trusted her enough to give her my approval of going. She came back home and I noticed she was acting different. I couldn't figure out exactly how, but I just had that knot in my stomach ya know? I asked her about it and she denied that anything was wrong, but I kept pushing until she finally admitted it. She said she was 100% loyal on her trip, but one of her friends brought a guy back to their room and had sex with him.. Her friend also has a boyfriend. She told me that while she was there she had a very big urge to cheat on me and hook up with anyone, but that feeling has also followed her back.

 

I find it really hard to believe that she's out there partying every night, her friend brings a guy back to their room and cheats on her boyfriend, and your girlfriend was "100% loyal." I hope I'm wrong but I doubt it.

 

You're still young, yes you've been with her four years but this relationship is over man. She said the thought of being with you makes her wanna puke, for God's sake. She wants to party and hookup, so she's gonna do it. The only choice you have is if you end things completely or hang on until she either dumps you or cheats on you, if she hasn't done that already.

[d0nnivain]

Your pain is real but coming from strict families and never having explored the world around you is very limiting She may have thought marriage was her only option. Now that she has gone clubbing with her friends & seen what other options are out there she may want to explore.

 

 

Neither of you have meaningful live experience to date & all you know is each other. That may not be enough to base a marriage on.

 

 

It will be difficult to move on from this because she was your 1st but you have to remember that she won't be your last.

[lolablue17]

She may cheated on you while her vacation, and maybe not (My bet - she did).

 

But at least she has the courage to stop it now, before it becomes a nightmare, and you should thank her for that. Of course it hurts like hell. A surgery also hurts, but it is needed in order to be healthy. Your break up is like a surgery, it's best for you. It's a good thing, even though it's so sad.

 

Good luck!

[Eyebrows]

She said the thought of having sex, touching me, or even doing anything romantic with me now just makes her want to puke.

 

This is a pretty hurtful thing to say to somebody. My ex said that she didn't feel the attraction anymore and that made me feel like the ugliest person in the world. But the above is quite a damaging thing to say to somebody.

 

If she wants to go and experience life you won't be able to stop her if she's made up her mind. She'll either go and have fun or go and realise it isn't really what she wanted/thought it would be. But she has to figure that out on her own.

[Satu]

It needs to end so that can both be free to experiment and learn about life.

 

You had some great times.

 

Now its time for a new chapter in your life.

 

You'll need to grieve and cry your tears, but sooner than you think, you'll be able to move on.

 

It hurts, but its meant to be.

 

 

Take care.

[drewbee30]

You'll look back in 10 years and laugh that this happened. Trust me! Hang in there, it's gonna be a rough ride for a while. Best of luck!

[Chi townD]

Dude, she cheated on you. Her saying that the thought of having sex with you makes her want to puke. That isn't because of your looks or your abilities, it's out of her own disgust and guilt. Plus, she gave you the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" Speech which is straight out of the cheaters handbook.

 

Dollars to donuts, she cheated on you. But, there's no way you can verify it. Cut her lose and go straight no contact on her.

[mightycpa]

Whether she did or not is really not at issue. What is at issue is that she WANTS to. I know that whenever I wanted to, I made it happen. She's female, making it that much easier to get done. I had to work for it. All she has to do is give it away.

 

It's going to happen. You can play it two ways. You can be gracious about it, and step aside and wish her well. Or, you can try to hang in there, and go down swinging.

 

I know that "doing everything you can" sounds like the right thing to do, but in the long run, you're going to want to be remembered as the guy who walked away with your head held high. You'll never know how you're really going to be remembered, so the best you can do is control things from your end and be a good sport about it.

 

One more thing, if I may. Yes, you got lazy as a boyfriend. But I think your instincts were right. The continuing demand for dates and services rendered and whatnot tells me you guys simply weren't ready for marriage.

 

That won't be much comfort for you right now, but in time, you'll think back and see I was right. The losing party always magnifies his/her mistakes, and misidentifies them as the cause for the breakup. Nothing could be further from the truth. You didn't cause this; you may have hastened it, but she was going to end up where she's at eventually anyway. It's actually better that it has come to this now, and not one or two years after you guys tied the knot.

 

Lolablue is right. Buy her a bunch of flowers, sit her down, thank her for her time with you and for looking out for the both of you, saving you guys from having to break up a marriage. You'll be tempted to say lots more, to cry or talk about your feelings, maybe even declare your love, but there's no need. You know how she feels, and she knows how you feel. Her only interest in what you have to say is her ego. So just say goodbye and walk away, in good conscience, never to be seen or heard from again. Then shut her out, just in case she decides to check in on you. You definitely won't want or need that.

 

That's how you should go out.

[bathtub-row]

You're too young to be getting married, you need to listen when someone tells you they're unhappy, and please remove the word "approval" from your vocabulary when it comes what your SO does.

[HeDestroyeth]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and thanks for giving me advice on the situation. I meant to reply earlier, but I've been trying to keep myself very busy to keep my mind off things.

 

Since I lasted posted, my fiancee and I hung out and hooked up and talked about everything and she got some things off her chest.

 

She said that those feelings of her wanting to leave and hook up with random guys were gone and those feelings were just in the heat of the moment. She admitted to me that she hasn't been completely honest with me. During her trip she made a tinder account and has been talking to another guy that she's never met before. She said that they've sexted a little, but they haven't exchanged pics or anything like that. She says that she's strongly attracted to him. This was a week ago and she's still texting him daily. Three days ago she told me that she's wanting to try to make things work and wants me to prove to her that I can change and become a fun boyfriend again. But she says that she's afraid to break things off with this guy because she's worried that once she does then I'll go back to my old ways and disappoint her. She said that the attraction for me still isn't fully there and that she still kind of see's me as just someone who is just great for her to talk to and help her emotionally which hurts like hell to hear.

 

With all of that said, I think it's still a good sign that she's wanting to try to fix things and rekindle our relationship.

 

I love her and I still want her to be my wife, but how do I get over the fact that she cheated on me? I understand that she hasn't done anything physical with him or anything, but it still bothers me very badly. I'm not going to be able to trust her at all for a while since she cheated. I'm also feeling a lot of anger towards her for still talking to this guy. Since I feel this way towards her I don't really want to see her in person and be around her family until she breaks things off with him. The bad thing is we still have two trips coming up in 2 weeks with her family that we've had planned for months now.

 

Should I just look past those things and accept that it happened and focus on getting that spark back between us?

[CarrieT]

Nope.

 

She is feeding you trickle truth so that you won't be too angry, but odds are she has done more than text.

 

What she wants to get back to is a level of immaturity and ignorance from whence your spark began. It will never work.

 

Seriously - what I said before. You are both too young and she isn't done experimenting yet. It WILL happen again.

[backandforth]

Dude, just read that last post back to yourself. You need to be a big boy and walk away while you still have some pride left. She has zero respect for you. Why would you want to be with someone who says and does these things?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to get this girl out of your life. She is not girlfriend material anymore, let alone wife material.

 

Neither of you is ready to be married.

[LD1990]

With all of that said, I think it's still a good sign that she's wanting to try to fix things and rekindle our relationship.

 

My God man, abort abort! Get the hell out of this relationship. She has you wrapped around her little finger, it's time to have some pride, take your balls back and walk away.

 

Reading your last post, I guarantee she hooked up with some guy. Hell, she admitted to texting a guy behind your back, and somehow you're the one who ends up in trouble for not being fun enough! She is literally walking all over you. She cheated, still keeps in touch with the guy she cheated on you with, and has basically told you to fix yourself while she does what she wants.

 

She has zero respect for you at this point. She's going to keep you around for emotional support while banging whoever catches her eye on Tinder. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but the signs are there. Salvage whatever pride and dignity you can by leaving this cheater.

[bathtub-row]

If this relationship is meant to be, then the two of you will bump into one another again in a few years and fall back in love. But, for now, this party is, and should be, over.

 

First of all, you should never be willing to overlook cheating. It has made you angry and hurt for a reason. You're trying to overlook or forgive it so that you can avoid losing her. But this girl is keeping her options open. She's got one foot in the relationship, and one foot out. This is not in any way good. Not to mention that it's extremely disrespectful to you. It's a catch-22 situation. The more you allow her to disrespect you, the less she'll respect you. If you make the decision to end the relationship, she'll probably beg you to come back. But under whatever circumstances, you shouldn't stay with her. You may not feel the need to explore other relationships, but she does. And no matter what she says, she's not done with that. If you were wise, you'd tell her that, because you love her so much, you're going to give her her wings. And that if things work out in the years to come, then great. Forget the family trip and do your best to move on. I know it hurts like nothing else, but she has drawn a line in the sand and you have no choice but to respond. If nothing else, go on the trip and then end things with her.

 

Secondly, people keep saying it but you just can't accept it or won't hear it -- NEITHER of you are ready for marriage. There are obvious signs when a relationship is good, when the people are mature, and when the couple has a healthy connection. The two of you don't have these things. I know it's hard to accept when you love someone but if you continue down this path, you'll end up married and then divorced. And if you think it's bad now, wait until then.

 

You're both too young and you need to accept that this girl needs to spread her wings and fly. Even she doesn't want to admit it or go through the pain of breaking up, but I can assure you that the next time, she'll have the courage. Do you and her a favor. Stop trying to force something that isn't working. I'm really sorry but, for now, your choices are limited in this situation.