Blossomingbelle Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 So I was dating a guy for around 18 months and I never made it serious(my choice) he wanted to but I'd just come out of a long term relationship etc and I was happy to just date but I did love him. Anyway he ended it at the end of December and said it was because I wouldn't make it serious etc, I obviously didn't realise how much he meant to me until he was gone and tried to contact him to explain I was sorry and was ready to make it serious but he wasn't interested. So I started NC and he text me saying he'd lost the best thing in his life etc will I meet him so I meet him we agree to go slow and see how it goes, and he starts being hot and cold. He texts being fine one min about seeing eachother and then the next he said he never wanted to talk again? But then apologises the next day? Anyway long story short I had seen him with another girl twice during no contact but never said anything, this girl also started contacting him on social media etc 2 days after we split up after I'd never seen or heard of her in the 18 months prior - his friend then told me that they are together but deny it because she is married with kids! Basically I went a bit crazy text him telling him what I thought of him after he blamed me for everything and again started no contact after he replied saying never speak to him again but denying anything happened between them! I then saw them together again yesterday! And I resisted texting him but my head is so messed up? Why won't he just tell me the truth so I can move on, why was he so hot and cold and telling me he wants me one min and not the next? Why is he having an affair with someone when the reason he finished with me was because I kept him 'secret' and wouldn't make it serious! It's all I think of and I feel I can't move on because I don't have answers and now he refuses to speak to me or see me and says I'm psycho! 2
Steven1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Sadly I think once a lot of people get caught out like that they often turn to denial and that is exactly what he has done. He knows he's been caught out in a lie. Best to cut all contact and move on now. I know you feel you need answers, I was the same with my ex, took about 8 weeks to get answers from going NC for that time. You know already he is with someone else despite denying it. you had just come out of long term serious relationship, you don't have to feel bad or justify to him that you didn't want to make another relationship serious as soon as he wanted. 2
Author Blossomingbelle Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 Thanks for your reply, do you think he will ever contact me again or want to try again? I know this sounds pathetic and guess he was just using me as his back up but I really care about him and would probably take him back if I knew the truth nd that it was over with them. 1
Steven1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I think you need to put yourself higher than that to be honest as once he knows you will take him back with open arms despite being with someone else, that he will do it again and again. Plus I think deep down, you would be forcing yourself to make a relationship serious that you had no intention of doing BEFORE this happened, would you be happy to try and build a serious relationship where the foundation is based on him lying and being with another woman, a married woman with kids none the less? 2
Author Blossomingbelle Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 I know, I just feel so guilty, I could have had him if I'd wanted to and now I can't stand the thought of him being with anyone else! I guess it's my pride too that he didn't want me anymore, but I'm sure I'll get over it in time. 1
Steven1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 You will definitely get over it in time, and you are not the only one to be going through this or worse which can be a helping factor. My 7 year relationship ended about 9 weeks ago. Went NC for 8 weeks until a few days ago we started texting and she told me that there is a high chance in the near future she will be doing something with someone else etc, which was like a knife going through me to be honest. 1
Author Blossomingbelle Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 I'm sorry to hear that, there is nothing worse than thinking of your ex being with someone else!! It honestly is the worst, I have found this harder than coming out of my 8 year relationship as we ended on good terms. Things happen for a reason I guess!
Steven1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I know. Me and my ex also ended on good terms relatively speaking which I think is making it worse knowing she will be moving on. you will feel better in time though, sadly there is no set time period as to when you will feel better. You definitely don't want to reach out to him though. No doubt he will end up trying to come back to you, my advice would be to stay well clear as you are better than that and you already know deep down that if you take him back, you'll probably regret it. 1
Woon Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 We were broken up for a good 5months when my ex "felt the need" to tell me herself shes dating someone else. Eventhough the 5months hurt like hell, hearing that was a like a shot through the heart. What it DID do though, was motivate me to ask this cute girl out i met a few days earlier. Long story short: best decision i ever made, shes an amazing girl and we have had a ton of fun together ever since. And up until recently when she asked to meet up, i havent given my ex a single thought. 2
Author Blossomingbelle Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 I feel as if I would be happy for him if it was someone who he could settle down with because that's what he said he wanted. He made me feel so guilty and said I'd destroyed him, his world was destroyed etc because he had no option to walk away because I wouldn't make it serious, yet when I said it would change we could move out like he wanted etc he just wasn't interested, and then I find he's seeing this other lady but he won't get what he said he wanted from her because she is has a family! It's so confusing! I mean 2 weeks ago he was saying he wanted us to start again and then said to never speak to him again! He makes no sense. 1
Steven1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 I feel as if I would be happy for him if it was someone who he could settle down with because that's what he said he wanted. He made me feel so guilty and said I'd destroyed him, his world was destroyed etc because he had no option to walk away because I wouldn't make it serious, yet when I said it would change we could move out like he wanted etc he just wasn't interested, and then I find he's seeing this other lady but he won't get what he said he wanted from her because she is has a family! It's so confusing! I mean 2 weeks ago he was saying he wanted us to start again and then said to never speak to him again! He makes no sense. Kind of a similar situation to me. My ex thought we had become 'comfortable' and she said she thinks she needs to experience being with someone else as I'm the only person she's been with. I want to be happy for her and I hope she is happy, but like you I don't want to think about her being intimate with someone who probably just see's her as another notch on the belt at Uni. 1
Satu Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Best to give up your search for 'answers,' as you already know everything you need to know to move on. Focus solely on your own wellbeing. NC. Take care. 3
Author Blossomingbelle Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 The dilemma I have is.. I think in time he might want me back when he realises that it won't go anywhere with the other woman. His friend told me she is also having an affair with another man too. His friend also advised me to tell her husband but I definately am not going to do that, for one I don't want the drama and two, I don't want to hurt him anymore than I have done. He said that he is really stressed out by me having a go at him and his blood pressure is high etc because of me. But last week he was contacting me it's so confusing! So I either wait and possibly have him back or move on and maybe feel like I'm going through this again when he contacts me? I feel like I will never get over it 1
Steven1 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 This is always the dilemma and always the hard part. Similar to you, my ex says she doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the minute, but will probably experience things with other guys because I'm the only one she's been with, but she couldnt say for sure that her feelings about us won't change and that she just really doesn't know where she's at at the minute. You/we can get all the advice on this in the world, but it's a tough thing to choose. Do you sit and wait and hope for the best, hope for something that may never come? Or do you move on from the situation and see what else comes your way? I think if you were to let him back it would become quite a volatile relationship as I suspect he would end up doing the same thing again. You would also have to put A LOT and i mean A LOT of trust in him, that when he goes out anywhere and comes back late etc, that he hasn't been with another person. 1
mightycpa Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) I'll tell you what's happening. He's angry at you for messing everything up, and he doesn't really understand it. One moment, he feels angry and confused, another moment, he feels his feelings for you and the next, he knows he can't trust you. He's looking at a future with you and he knows in his heart of hearts you'll dump him eventually because you don't love him the way he loves you. So in his mind, he's decided to deny himself, to move on, but it's hard for him, and he's second guessing himself all the time. The other girl makes him feel better, allows him to forget, and gives him the strength and confidence to resist his urges about you. She's like a shield that helps him fight off his feelings for you. She's very valuable to him in that respect. She's a rebound. The bottom line is that you ****ed it up for him. You broke his faith in you by being coy, and he knows you can hurt him and he's not going back. That's what happened to your relationship. Oh, and the lies? He doesn't owe you the truth. He doesn't owe you anything. So forget about that, what he does with whom is none of your business. Edited March 30, 2016 by mightycpa 2
LD1990 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Honestly his actions are to be expected based on your relationship with him, or lack thereof. I get that you were coming out of a long relationship, but you were dating this guy for 18 months! That's a long time to just date without making it serious. And unfortunately, when you immediately try to correct the issue after a breakup, it often just comes across as a slap in the face to the other person. He may very well be annoyed and hurt that it takes a breakup for you to want to be in a serious relationship with him. He asked you to not speak to him anymore, I think you should respect that and try to move on.
Author Blossomingbelle Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 I'll tell you what's happening. He's angry at you for messing everything up, and he doesn't really understand it. One moment, he feels angry and confused, another moment, he feels his feelings for you and the next, he knows he can't trust you. He's looking at a future with you and he knows in his heart of hearts you'll dump him eventually because you don't love him the way he loves you. So in his mind, he's decided to deny himself, to move on, but it's hard for him, and he's second guessing himself all the time. The other girl makes him feel better, allows him to forget, and gives him the strength and confidence to resist his urges about you. She's like a shield that helps him fight off his feelings for you. She's very valuable to him in that respect. She's a rebound. The bottom line is that you ****ed it up for him. You broke his faith in you by being coy, and he knows you can hurt him and he's not going back. That's what happened to your relationship. Oh, and the lies? He doesn't owe you the truth. He doesn't owe you anything. So forget about that, what he does with whom is none of your business. I don't think that's true I didn't lie to him at all, he knew how I felt and I did want to spend my life with him he knew that. Yes I took him for granted and I have apologised for that. I feel he does owe me the truth as in the 18 months we spent together I never even looked at another guy and I feel I want to know if it was going on before we split. Anyway, I have decided i won't get answers and I do know that I am doing no contact and will text him after a month to say sorry for how I reacted and then leave him alone for good.
Author Blossomingbelle Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Honestly his actions are to be expected based on your relationship with him, or lack thereof. I get that you were coming out of a long relationship, but you were dating this guy for 18 months! That's a long time to just date without making it serious. And unfortunately, when you immediately try to correct the issue after a breakup, it often just comes across as a slap in the face to the other person. He may very well be annoyed and hurt that it takes a breakup for you to want to be in a serious relationship with him. He asked you to not speak to him anymore, I think you should respect that and try to move on. By serious I mean 'in a relationship' on Facebook, in every other way we were serious, and he also said to me 2 weeks ago he wanted to try again and see how things go he has only said to leave him alone after I confronted him about the other woman his friend told me about
Steven1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Sadly once you know they have been with someone else when you haven't and you still had the same feelings for them it's extremely hard to go back. Example - Last night I poured my heart out to my ex girlfriend saying I think at the very least we should try to see if there is anything there for you, she text me back saying that she's been speaking to someone else for a while, that nothing has happened but she thinks it will very soon. That killed me. She sent a long text after I went to sleep saying that she is sorry for what she put me through and that I will always hold a special place in her heart for what we went through together, but that nothing romantic will happen between us now or again, that I'm a great guy who any woman would be lucky to have, just that it won't be her. So from that experience I know that if you do take him back, just be prepared that it will be extremely hard to picture him the same again.
Author Blossomingbelle Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Oh no, I'm sorry, there is literally nothing worse! I am really struggling with NC we have mutual friends and I have just seen tweets between him, the other woman and his friend. I feel crushed! But I know I need to stick by NC. I have actually moved out since we split up and that was something he really wanted to do and I really wanted to tell him out of spite but I know ultimately it won't make me feel better and I just need to try and distract myself.
Steven1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I think if the mutual friends thing is getting to you, it may be best to stay off social media for a while, or unfriend them/block them for a while. Or just explain to them before hand that until you are more comfortable or more in acceptance with the issue that it's not helping you at all.
PLT Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 As far as I understand it, if you are able to see his tweets, or his friends tweets, you are not in NC. You need to delete him from all social media, he needs to be in no part of your life at all. I know it's hard, because it's another step towards that finality, that it really is over. Done. Forever. I have tried NC so many times over the past 5 weeks but keeping her unblocked on social media just gave me an easy way to contact her, to see her face. She was still a part of my life when she doesn't want me to be a part of hers. Letting go is HARD. But it has to be done. All the messaging, trying to get answers, trying to make the break up "easier" as it ended REALLY badly. Where did it get me over the past 5 weeks? NOWHERE. All it's done is kept me in a loop of denial and bargaining. Today is day 1 of TOTAL NC for me. Make it yours too.
Author Blossomingbelle Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 As far as I understand it, if you are able to see his tweets, or his friends tweets, you are not in NC. You need to delete him from all social media, he needs to be in no part of your life at all. I know it's hard, because it's another step towards that finality, that it really is over. Done. Forever. I have tried NC so many times over the past 5 weeks but keeping her unblocked on social media just gave me an easy way to contact her, to see her face. She was still a part of my life when she doesn't want me to be a part of hers. Letting go is HARD. But it has to be done. All the messaging, trying to get answers, trying to make the break up "easier" as it ended REALLY badly. Where did it get me over the past 5 weeks? NOWHERE. All it's done is kept me in a loop of denial and bargaining. Today is day 1 of TOTAL NC for me. Make it yours too. I have blocked him on all social media but I can still see that my friend is having a conversation with them as it still shows their Twitter names - I feel as if maybe I need to delete my whole accounts so I can't see anything 1
Steven1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 To be honest I've always been in two minds about it. My ex is on Twitter etc and she unfollowed me a while ago, but I know she still looks at my Twitter page to see how I'm doing and vice versa. Social media can be very important in helping actually, I would be against deleting your account unless you feel that is a necessary step that you HAVE to take.
PLT Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I felt the same. Do I have to remove myself from social media to get over this woman? I don't really use facebook much anyway. Mostly it was used for us to message each other. I share photos with family but thats about it really. If you feel that you need to remove yourself from twitter, even if only for a month or two until you start feeling better about the situation, then do whatever it is you need to do. It'll be better for you in the long run, believe me.
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