Going back to my old relationship FWB before the heartbreak

[kztar]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm here because I clearly need some advice.

 

Prior to this stupid heartbreak I had a FWB 2 year relationship with this great guy. We went to school together and were never really attracted to each other but after we graduated college we started hanging out and having sex, going to football games, and doing all these wonderful activities together. Through these two years we got to know each other really well, his mom loved me and basically thought we were dating. Anyway this relationship was GREAT because I had absolutely no emotional attachment to this person. All my friends think we will marry one day but that's not happening because I have no feelings for the guy. Everytime I reach the point where things are becoming "too emotional" I take a break and dissapear for a little and then I return when I'm

At square one with the emotions. Once I saw my relationship going down hill and my ex treating me like garbage I ended up sleeping with this guy but again, just a good night. We are great friends and we actually point each other's flaws and enjoy spending time together. I know that when we are having this relationship he's not really sleeping around with other girls, although I do because I just don't care.

 

When my ex and I broke up ofcourse I ran to his arms to cry and talk my life away. I'm now considering returning to this relationship and just completely forget about the possibility of love. I'm heartbroken and this is something that I wish on no one and I want to prevent myself from ever experiencing this again.

 

Should I return to this or should I continue "healing" alone and learning about myself?. Anyone else given up love for life. At this point I think I'm going to get married to someone who wants the same companionship and cute children in the future but no for love. I don't care for it anymore.

 

Some input would be appreciated.

 

I know that if I return to this it's going to be long term. I hate change and honestly, I doubt he's going to find a girlfriend soon. And if he did I would go to my next FWB.

[Emaize3]

Like I mentioned, I'm going to do FWB too because I have needs and I don't want to be pining over the ex. I'm not giving up on love though. My FWB will know that I'll date eventually and probably move on. If you go through with this, let him know the same OR stay with him if you have a great time and enjoy his company. Most people on here will probably say to heal on your own. I need a major distraction so I'm not asking for advice. Just going to do what I want to do.

[mightycpa]

Hi,

 

I have a few questions:

 

As I understand your post, you are good friends? Like you could hang out together and not **** each other?

 

How exactly do things get "too emotional" if you have absolutely no feelings for the guy?

 

How would you characterize his feelings for you, if any?

 

It would be perfectly ok for the both of you if either of you to ****/date other people and not make a secret of it?

 

If he did get a girlfriend, would you be ok with him cheating on her with you?

 

If you got another boyfriend, would you be ok with cheating on your bf with him?

 

How many people are you willing to date/**** at the same time? Not like at exactly the same time (although that might be an interesting question too), but you know, simultaneous relationships.

 

How old are you and what is the oldest age you'd wish to be when you got married?

 

Assuming you don't marry him, this would end sometime before your marriage?

 

I think I can give you a little insight into my several-year experience with doing what you said, but I'd like to understand your worldview on this first.

[Dis]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm here because I clearly need some advice.

 

Prior to this stupid heartbreak I had a FWB 2 year relationship with this great guy. We went to school together and were never really attracted to each other but after we graduated college we started hanging out and having sex, going to football games, and doing all these wonderful activities together. Through these two years we got to know each other really well, his mom loved me and basically thought we were dating. Anyway this relationship was GREAT because I had absolutely no emotional attachment to this person. All my friends think we will marry one day but that's not happening because I have no feelings for the guy. Everytime I reach the point where things are becoming "too emotional" I take a break and dissapear for a little and then I return when I'm

At square one with the emotions. Once I saw my relationship going down hill and my ex treating me like garbage I ended up sleeping with this guy but again, just a good night. We are great friends and we actually point each other's flaws and enjoy spending time together. I know that when we are having this relationship he's not really sleeping around with other girls, although I do because I just don't care.

 

When my ex and I broke up ofcourse I ran to his arms to cry and talk my life away. I'm now considering returning to this relationship and just completely forget about the possibility of love. I'm heartbroken and this is something that I wish on no one and I want to prevent myself from ever experiencing this again.

 

Should I return to this or should I continue "healing" alone and learning about myself?. Anyone else given up love for life. At this point I think I'm going to get married to someone who wants the same companionship and cute children in the future but no for love. I don't care for it anymore.

 

Some input would be appreciated.

 

I know that if I return to this it's going to be long term. I hate change and honestly, I doubt he's going to find a girlfriend soon. And if he did I would go to my next FWB.

 

Hi kztar! I think you should spend alittle more time on your own. Your last long term relationship ended recently right? I have currently put love on the back burner. I'm focusing on myself now because I know I have to heal and work on myself before I can be in a healthy relationship. Theres nothing wrong with being on your own and I'm afraid that since your last relationship ended so recently (correct me if I'm wrong) you might be in a vunerable state. Maybe you might develop feelings for this guy because your still recovering from your break up.

 

And thank you bw, for the reality check. It doesnt matter what my ex said. I guess I was hoping he still wanted me, which is weird beause I dont want him. Its crazy how the mind works.

 

Anyway, I'd give yourself some time to think this through before making a decision. Really think it through and know that you are completely ok on your own. If there are still any lingering feelings for youre most recent ex, I'd hold off and continue to heal.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you'd be better off working through the pain on your own. It sounds like an easy arrangement with the FWB, but you don't want to be relying on that as crutch all the time. What happens if he's not available? Or gets a girlfriend? You won't have a reliable outlet for the pain of your own heartbreak. Also, if this guy has any feelings for you (does he?) it's not really fair to him, either.

 

It's wiser to build up coping strategies unrelated to men so that you use these tools at any point in your life. It's healthier for you in the long-run.

[kztar]

Like I mentioned, I'm going to do FWB too because I have needs and I don't want to be pining over the ex. I'm not giving up on love though. My FWB will know that I'll date eventually and probably move on. If you go through with this, let him know the same OR stay with him if you have a great time and enjoy his company. Most people on here will probably say to heal on your own. I need a major distraction so I'm not asking for advice. Just going to do what I want to do.

 

The problem is I did this last time and basically look at where I am right now.

[Simon Phoenix]

Doing FWB to fill a void is a terrible idea. The time to do an FWB is when you have no void. You're trying to cut corners to mask your hurt, which will likely make it hurt that much more in time.

 

Hell, I had one of my best hookup streaks of my life after the girl that brought me originally back in the day broke up with me. Didn't help -- I really didn't start moving forward until I took a step back from all of that.

 

Either way, it's clear that you are trying to cheat the recovery system by jumping into bed with others. Bad idea jeans.

[kztar]

Hey mightycpa,

 

Thank you for responding. Here are the answers to your questions.

 

I have a few questions:

 

As I understand your post, you are good friends? Like you could hang out together and not **** each other?

We are and this is correct. We can hang out and not get physical.

 

How exactly do things get "too emotional" if you have absolutely no feelings for the guy?

What I mean is that when I start feeling like im actually starting to develop any type of emotion for this person (because im human) I disappear off the radar for a while and when I return, I feel nothing.

 

How would you characterize his feelings for you, if any?

He likes me and he thinks im a great person. He knows we have no chance because we know each other so well, I can't fix or change the things he hates about me and those are dealbreakers for him so It will never be.

 

It would be perfectly ok for the both of you if either of you to ****/date other people and not make a secret of it?

Yes we date and have sex with other people and that is perfectly fine. We actually tell each other when we go on dates, how they went and even if the sex was good. This is no biggie.

 

If he did get a girlfriend, would you be ok with him cheating on her with you?

That would be up to him. His girlfriend would be his problem, not mine. Basically she would be non-existent in my book so it would be his choice. People cheat for different reasons, im no one to tell them what they should and shouldn't do. It will forever live with them.

 

If you got another boyfriend, would you be ok with cheating on your bf with him?

I would only cheat under certain circumstances. Cheating is not good but I did it in my last relationship and I have NO REGRETS. I would of done it much sooner if I knew that this was going to be the outcome of the relationship. By the time I cheated, I no longer enjoyed the relationship but I forced to work it out and I got dumped. If anything I regret dating the guy who wasted a whole year of my life.

 

How many people are you willing to date/**** at the same time? Not like at exactly the same time (although that might be an interesting question too), but you know, simultaneous relationships.

Prior to dating my ex, when I was having this FWB relationship, I was dating ALOT of people. Maybe 10-15 dudes at a time. Its hard to keep up because you're out EVERY single day on dates and getting to know these guys but it worked for me. I was having alot of fun.

 

How old are you and what is the oldest age you'd wish to be when you got married?

Im 26 and I was hoping to be married by 28. The oldest would be 33 because I want to have children while im young.

 

Assuming you don't marry him, this would end sometime before your marriage?

Ofcourse. When I have something solid lined up for life this will ofcourse end.

 

I ended this completely when I got into my last relationship. Untilllll I saw everything was going down hill, I unblocked him and of course he had been trying to contact me for a while but I was being respectful to my relationship. But then I lost that respect.

 

I look forward to your response.

[kztar]

Disillusionment373 Yes that is correct. Feelings are unfortunately lingering in my life although I want them to just FADE. Don't think I want to feel vulnerable ever again in my life. Even if means not experiencing love ever again. It hurts too much.

[kztar]

I think you'd be better off working through the pain on your own. It sounds like an easy arrangement with the FWB, but you don't want to be relying on that as crutch all the time. What happens if he's not available? Or gets a girlfriend? You won't have a reliable outlet for the pain of your own heartbreak. Also, if this guy has any feelings for you (does he?) it's not really fair to him, either.

 

It's wiser to build up coping strategies unrelated to men so that you use these tools at any point in your life. It's healthier for you in the long-run.

 

Hi expatinitaly,

 

Lucky for me there are alot of FWB candidates always on call. So if he's not available there is ALWAYS someone else available so this is not an issue at all. He doesn't have feelings for me. We just use each other for sex and companionship. He dates and I date until we find the one but no attachment.

 

I do agree that I need to learn healthier coping strategies but honestly I just want to drown in this pain and then swim my way up and forget that I ever experienced it. I don't know how to cope after breakups which is WHY i try to avoid serious relationships. I was single for four years, until I met someone who I saw as my future husband. Then he dumped me.

 

Any suggestions for coping better ?

[kztar]

Doing FWB to fill a void is a terrible idea. The time to do an FWB is when you have no void. You're trying to cut corners to mask your hurt, which will likely make it hurt that much more in time.

 

Hell, I had one of my best hookup streaks of my life after the girl that brought me originally back in the day broke up with me. Didn't help -- I really didn't start moving forward until I took a step back from all of that.

 

Either way, it's clear that you are trying to cheat the recovery system by jumping into bed with others. Bad idea jeans.

 

Hi Simon,

 

Yeah honestly I wish I could erase this chapter of my life period. I try to look back at how happy I was before I met him and how great my life was until he came around and ruined everything. I wish there was a permanent cure for a heartbreak instantly.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi expatinitaly,

 

Lucky for me there are alot of FWB candidates always on call. So if he's not available there is ALWAYS someone else available so this is not an issue at all. He doesn't have feelings for me. We just use each other for sex and companionship. He dates and I date until we find the one but no attachment.

 

I do agree that I need to learn healthier coping strategies but honestly I just want to drown in this pain and then swim my way up and forget that I ever experienced it. I don't know how to cope after breakups which is WHY i try to avoid serious relationships. I was single for four years, until I met someone who I saw as my future husband. Then he dumped me.

 

Any suggestions for coping better ?

 

Journaling helps. Identifying the activities, people and places that make you happy is important too. I have read self-help material in books and online before, which sound cliche and cheesy but there are really some great resources out there.

 

Nobody wants to experience the pain of a breakup. It's a terrible feeling. I went through a lot when my 7.5-year, live-in relationship ended around 4 years ago. But I stayed single and didn't get involved with any men for a good while after. I feel this was the best thing for me because I learned how to manage my own emotions without looking for a quick-fix Band-Aid solution. It's not an easy process, but you will learn so much from it.