The girl I loved had a total 180 degree personality change, how to cope?

[SoulSurfer94]

I will keep this as brief as possible because it's a long story, all the info is necessary.

 

I was with a girl for 2 years, totally in love with how sweet, innocent and selfless she was. She absolutely adored me and our relationship, we were each other's first love. We moved into a flat together with a few others, separate rooms right next ro each other (couldn't find a shared), although we stayed in one room most of the time.

 

We had a few arguments, but I put it down to the fact that this was normal because we had JUST moved in after 6 weeks in this flat, she has a death in the family which really upset her, not sure if this is linked but it's the only explanation I can think of.

 

She goes to the funeral, I could not go because, another long story, her brother and I didn't get along and would have caused an issue at an inappropriate time. Anyway, she comes back, decides 'this is not what she wants anymore' and breaks up with me.

 

I was stunned and could not really accept it. One week later she starts dating someone she works with and starts bringing him round to our flat right in my face. I heard them having sex in her room a couple times, when I confronted her and asked her to keep it down she told me 'you are nothing to me any more and I don't care about your feelings'. This went on for 2 months, her bringing him round and things, but she did keep it down, yet I knew what was going on and it was a living hell.

 

She has just moved out and into a flat with him without saying goodbye, though I am glad that she is gone and I can finally move on with my life, I am still in total shock that these changes in my life happened in such a short space of time without a total explanation.

 

Also, when she moved out, she told the police and the land lady that my flat mates and I were threatening her and she even claimed my friend tried to attack her and that I had to restrain him. This is simply NOT true, at the time she said this happened I was visiting family just to get out of the flat for a week. There is CCTV evidence to prove that these accusations are false and the police understand that it's not true.

 

I just don't know why she turned so malicious! It wasn't that long ago that we were on holiday together having the happiest time of our lives! She has totally blocked me on social media and so I will never know what actually happened.

 

Do people change? Or do they reveal who they really are? I can't be in love with this girl anymore, but I miss the 'original' girl I was with for 2 years SO much I keep crying about it, it's like the girl I loved died and this nasty girl who looks just like her replaced her. It's not that I want her back, my world was just turned on it's head SO fast and I just don't know what to do? Advice on how to move on?

 

Thank you for your time

Edited March 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[LostOnes05]

Damn bro...sorry she did that to you. But look at it this way, is this someone you could spend the rest of your life with? Probably not. She is disrespectful at the very least but you do need to move on.

 

Move on with the understanding that she isn't who you thought she was. Realize that she doesn't love you and you will be better off putting the thought of her in the trash bin of your mind. Someone that loves you doesnt treat you like that. It's a waste of your time to rationalize what she did. It will only add to the pain you feel. Let her live her life and you recover and live yours. Nothing that involves her from the day she left the apartment is any of your concern now. That means if her dog goes missing, a relative dies, stay in No Contact. Do not try to reach out to her under any circumstances.

 

Try taking up some hobbies, join the gym, and set new goals...then crush them. It's still gonna sting (from personal experience), but if your mind is occupied with bettering yourself for yourself...there's no room for her. I know all too well how the sudden change in attitude can be confusing, hurtful, and down right disrespectful.

[SoulSurfer94]

Hey thanks for the reply, everything you say makes sense, I know I just have to forget her, and I have taken the advice of zero contact whatsoever, which was hard but it's done now, i cut all digital ties.

As for the hobbies I have been keeping up with my surfing and weight training and making strides, I'm just still very aware of the fact that the only reason I have the time to do it is because of what she did.

Also, I don't know what happened to you but I'm sorry to hear you went through a similar pain, it sucks.

[keiji]

I went through one of these "Jekyll and Hide in 24 hours" situations five years ago when my ex-wife left our house to be with someone else and she started treating me like s**** and being extremely cruel for no apparent reason even if I was devastated. I'm saying this because I fell in a terrible trap that I hope you can avoid: resentment. It will only hurt YOU, so don't try to understand what she did. The only thing you must understand and accept is that she wasn't for you. Maybe she was like that all along, maybe she just turned into that hurtful person in no time, but fortunately that's no longer your problem and that's how you must face it. I spent months and months (perhaps years, actually) going over and over the same things, wondering how she could do that to me, etc, but the truth is I'll never know. What I do know is she's a poor, unhappy soul that has no qualms in hurting others. You're in a similar situation now, so to sum it all up: congratulations. You're not losing anything.

[smudge21]

Evil! No other word for it. Just totally uncaring attitude of some people when they no longer want to be with someone. I never got that - if you're the dumper and you want out (usually because you're getting in on with someone else) then have some flipping dignity and respect, and don't punish the poor person you're leaving in the gutter. Be human for one moment!

 

 

Sorry this happened to you - can't imagine that pain you went through. It's so true that when we are in love, we can't see the wood for the trees. We put blinkers on, ignore many obvious signs and just jump straight in. We even start to create an image, a memory of what this person is and slap them right on top of our little love pedestal. Sadly, sometimes the true person emerges and everything comes crashing down. It can take ages to still see the truth, but often we fall for who we want them to be, not who they are.

 

 

There is no excuse for what she did to you but at least it's in the past now. You will still hurt for sometime and you'll have plenty of up and down times, just ride through them best you can. I reckon you've suffered the worse so I don't doubt you'll survive through the rest too. Whatever this "persons" issues are, they are someone else's problem now - I would imagine she'll bounce from guy to guy, treating them all like this. You got out and now you can look forward to a brighter future. There's plenty better out there.

[SoulSurfer94]

'Jekyll and Hyde' I like that, this gives some perspective thank you nice to know i'm not alone in these kinds of situations, but i'm sorry it happened to you. Yeah she didn't care how much torture it's put me through, guess she's not a nice girl after all :s

[SoulSurfer94]

Hey Smudge, I wasn't going to bring this up but he full extent of the pain I went through was self harm and contemplation of suicide, but I got through it so you're right that's the worst and it's over. Just in the tail end of things now I suppose, but you raise an interesting point that the true person often emerges, which makes me question how well we can really know someone? And when is it okay to trust them? Do we just take the risk that they're genuine (like I did) and hope they're not really evil underneath as you describe?

[keiji]

I wasn't going to bring this up but he full extent of the pain I went through was self harm and contemplation of suicide, but I got through it so you're right that's the worst and it's over. Just in the tail end of things now I suppose, but you raise an interesting point that the true person often emerges, which makes me question how well we can really know someone? And when is it okay to trust them? Do we just take the risk that they're genuine (like I did) and hope they're not really evil underneath as you describe?

 

That's not a very good mindset for you. You should also try to avoid the trap of mistrust. Think of it: how many truly evil persons have you met in your life? I know I've meet very, very few. The odds that you find yourself again in a situation like the one you're describing are negligible, unless you're the unluckiest man on the planet. You'll find someone who's trustworthy, probably sooner than you think. Don't let this experience ruin a truly beautiful one. And, honestly, after a breakup, we all tend to see the dumper as an entirely different person. They're no longer "our girl/boy" and that's a very weird feeling, but it vanishes.

 

This girl is not worth a second of your life. So collect yourself, have a shower and go out for beers with your friends or whatever is typical where you live. And never forget: “If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.” I'm not telling you to seek revenge, quite the opposite. Disappear from that person's life and if she's as bad as she seems, life will "reward" her accordingly.

Edited March 8, 2016 by keiji

[SoulSurfer94]

I sought counselling for those thoughts and i'm much better now, but I think it will take a while to deal with the problem of mistrust, seeing as how bad I was hurt :/

I've met one person in my life who is truly evil, and funnily enough that was her brother, he's a a truly wicked person who used to attack my girlfriend, this was why we were not allowed to be in the same room because I would have lost it. But now it's like she's turned into him, instead it was an emotional pain that she attacked me with.

I do go out for beers with my friends all the time, I've decided that's the only love that I'm concerned with at the moment, friends and family girls can wait.

You are right with the river analogy, I have never been one to believe in karmic retribution or anything like that but I do believe it's true that what goes around comes around, the reason she left was because my flatmates demanded that she stop treating me like this so it's already started to happen. My father has always said 'if you give someone enough rope, they will hang themselves', kind of along the same lines, hope it helps anyone else reading this who is in a similar situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

Wow. Sorry to hear all of this, OP. That must have been very hard for you.

 

I wonder if it's possible she's got some kind of mental illness/personality disorder, or perhaps got into abusing substances. It's one thing to be disrespectful to an ex (which isn't ok either) but she went to so far as to falsely accuse people of a crime. Whatever it is, something strange happened to her and she is not the girl you fell in love with.

 

I know it's very difficult, but this is not about you personally. She sounds like she's got some issues that are only seeing the light of day now.

[SoulSurfer94]

Hi ExpatInItaly, thank you it was very hard but funny you should mention the personality disorder thing, MANY people who saw this all happen have said the same thing. Her brother does in fact have those kinds of disorders and I wonder if she has the same thing? My theory is that she always had those genes laying dormant, but the death of her family member shocked her and brought them to life turning her into the girl she is now. I'm not a psychiatrist but it makes sense to me and it's the only explanation I can come up with. She seemed to TOTALLY lack empathy which is a psychotic symptom.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Hi ExpatInItaly, thank you it was very hard but funny you should mention the personality disorder thing, MANY people who saw this all happen have said the same thing. Her brother does in fact have those kinds of disorders and I wonder if she has the same thing? My theory is that she always had those genes laying dormant, but the death of her family member shocked her and brought them to life turning her into the girl she is now. I'm not a psychiatrist but it makes sense to me and it's the only explanation I can come up with. She seemed to TOTALLY lack empathy which is a psychotic symptom.

I'm dealing with a breakup right now and my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. I've probably spent 50 hours reading about it in the past month, and what you described sounded veryyyy familiar. You should look into BPD or maybe some other personality disorders and see if it sounds familiar to you. It may give you some closure to have an understanding of why she did this and that you're not alone.

[SoulSurfer94]

I've never heard of this so I'll be sure to look it up thank you. Reading into psychology can really help, it helped me. I found it comforting seeing everything that I'm going through explained in black and white, seems less scary

[Kevin_D]

I'm starting to believe that traumatic events such as a death in the family can cause changes in personality. My ex became really weird after her mom commited suicide. She didn't seem sad. Instead she wanted me to do things with her in bed that never had wanted before, which seemed odd considering that her mother had just died. Her empathy disappeared as well. She was nice to people, but it was different.

 

On the other hand, after she dumped me, I really don't give a crap about people on a deeper level. I got over my two last breakups within a couple of days... and I know that it isn't healthy. It's not who I am or even who I want to be. I guess there's some kind of survival instinct that make us shut off certain emotions from time to time.

[Downtown]

I've never heard of [bPD] so I'll be sure to look it up thank you. Reading into psychology can really help, it helped me.

SoulSurfer, if you would like to read about BPD, an easy place to start is my list of of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Expat, Blackbird, and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, SoulSurfer.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I will keep this as brief as possible because it's a long story, all the info is necessary.

 

I was with a girl for 2 years, totally in love with how sweet, innocent and selfless she was. She absolutely adored me and our relationship, we were each other's first love. We moved into a flat together with a few others, separate rooms right next ro each other (couldn't find a shared), although we stayed in one room most of the time.

 

We had a few arguments, but I put it down to the fact that this was normal because we had JUST moved in after 6 weeks in this flat, she has a death in the family which really upset her, not sure if this is linked but it's the only explanation I can think of.

 

She goes to the funeral, I could not go because, another long story, her brother and I didn't get along and would have caused an issue at an inappropriate time. Anyway, she comes back, decides 'this is not what she wants anymore' and breaks up with me.

 

I was stunned and could not really accept it. One week later she starts dating someone she works with and starts bringing him round to our flat right in my face. I heard them having sex in her room a couple times, when I confronted her and asked her to keep it down she told me 'you are nothing to me any more and I don't care about your feelings'. This went on for 2 months, her bringing him round and things, but she did keep it down, yet I knew what was going on and it was a living hell.

 

She has just moved out and into a flat with him without saying goodbye, though I am glad that she is gone and I can finally move on with my life, I am still in total shock that these changes in my life happened in such a short space of time without a total explanation.

 

Also, when she moved out, she told the police and the land lady that my flat mates and I were threatening her and she even claimed my friend tried to attack her and that I had to restrain him. This is simply NOT true, at the time she said this happened I was visiting family just to get out of the flat for a week. There is CCTV evidence to prove that these accusations are false and the police understand that it's not true.

 

I just don't know why she turned so malicious! It wasn't that long ago that we were on holiday together having the happiest time of our lives! She has totally blocked me on social media and so I will never know what actually happened.

 

Do people change? Or do they reveal who they really are? I can't be in love with this girl anymore, but I miss the 'original' girl I was with for 2 years SO much I keep crying about it, it's like the girl I loved died and this nasty girl who looks just like her replaced her. It's not that I want her back, my world was just turned on it's head SO fast and I just don't know what to do? Advice on how to move on?

 

Thank you for your time

 

Ya know man, that's ****ing rough. And I can't say anything exactly like that has happened to me before. However, my girlfriend (boarderline fiance), for whom I was with for 3+ years, literally vanished on September 13th. Around the 10th is when I started to notice something was off, so I asked her about it. After that, she ignored me entirely until the 13th. Then she bailed on me, without warning, and I haven't heard her voice, or seen her since (6 months now). In fact, I'm so haunted by it, that I literally haven't slept with the TV off since she left.

 

I've watched people I love die in front of me. And losing a woman you love, is very similar to that. Truth be told, my Dads death was a little easier to deal with. I wish you well man, we're in for a battle.

[basil67]

There's a lot of feedback about her being unbalanced etc. But I wonder if the cause is as simple as her brother getting into her ear with his thoughts on you.

[smudge21]

Hey Smudge, I wasn't going to bring this up but he full extent of the pain I went through was self harm and contemplation of suicide, but I got through it so you're right that's the worst and it's over. Just in the tail end of things now I suppose, but you raise an interesting point that the true person often emerges, which makes me question how well we can really know someone? And when is it okay to trust them? Do we just take the risk that they're genuine (like I did) and hope they're not really evil underneath as you describe?

 

There's no easy answer to that one, we just have to go with our gut feelings when we meet new people, whether that be a friend, a possible relationship, a work colleague, car salesman, politician... okay, politicians are all evil already so that ones a given. We all have demons, dark areas, places that we hide our anger and there's always something that will push our buttons, so in that respect we can all change occasionally. I like to see the positive in everyone, the good. Sadly it does hurt when I get let down, but when I do, when they show their true colours, I just think "well it's not me, it's them, and time to move on, I did nothing wrong apart from trust someone". Don't beat yourself up over the fact this one turned out to be like this, it wasn't you, it was them.

[SoulSurfer94]

Ya know man, that's ****ing rough. And I can't say anything exactly like that has happened to me before. However, my girlfriend (boarderline fiance), for whom I was with for 3+ years, literally vanished on September 13th. Around the 10th is when I started to notice something was off, so I asked her about it. After that, she ignored me entirely until the 13th. Then she bailed on me, without warning, and I haven't heard her voice, or seen her since (6 months now). In fact, I'm so haunted by it, that I literally haven't slept with the TV off since she left.

 

I've watched people I love die in front of me. And losing a woman you love, is very similar to that. Truth be told, my Dads death was a little easier to deal with. I wish you well man, we're in for a battle.

 

wow that's terrible I'm really sorry to hear it! Has no one you know seen or heard from her at all? I really hope you get some closure one day

[SoulSurfer94]

By the way haven't had time to use this forum much because of studying but thanks to those replying, I do take all the advice on board

Edited March 9, 2016 by SoulSurfer94

[theklonclu]

By the way haven't had time to use this forum much because of studying but thanks to those replying, I do take all the advice on board

 

OP really sorry to hear about your situation bro. I'm going through a similar situation wherein the girl I fell for went from this loving, caring want to settle down girl to someone who didn't bother hearing that I had an accident and was hurt, was too absorbed in her own ways. Long story short, I know the shock you're in and although I've not had to go through what you had to bear, brother I ****ing salute you man. You've taken all the curve balls she threw at you and come out stronger through this process man. Keep your chin up high, you're not alone. Just stick in there and believe in Karma.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

wow that's terrible I'm really sorry to hear it! Has no one you know seen or heard from her at all? I really hope you get some closure one day

 

Oh no, she's around, and still on my Facebook, but I have her postings all blocked. She's certainly around tho. Just haven't spoken to her in 6 months, when she left.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Ya know man, that's ****ing rough. And I can't say anything exactly like that has happened to me before. However, my girlfriend (boarderline fiance), for whom I was with for 3+ years, literally vanished on September 13th. Around the 10th is when I started to notice something was off, so I asked her about it. After that, she ignored me entirely until the 13th. Then she bailed on me, without warning, and I haven't heard her voice, or seen her since (6 months now). In fact, I'm so haunted by it, that I literally haven't slept with the TV off since she left.

 

I've watched people I love die in front of me. And losing a woman you love, is very similar to that. Truth be told, my Dads death was a little easier to deal with. I wish you well man, we're in for a battle.

I'm so sorry. This is exactly what has happened to me and it's so hard to make people understand how incredibly painful it is. For someone you love so dearly to be fine one day and then literally vanish the next, no traces left. I haven't heard her voice, seen her face, or received any sort of communication in 6 weeks. And how you say "haunted by it" describes it perfectly. I haven't been able to sleep in my bed since she left. I've slept on the couch or at my parent's house (which is ridiculous because I live alone in my own place and would not want to live at home again) but something about sleeping in my bed where she slept the night before she disappeared (and that she is the last one to have made) haunts me.

 

I also agree with you that it's harder to deal with than a death. I've been saying that for the past month and I can tell people look at me like I'm crazy. But with a death, we are forced to deal with it, there is no alternate outcome. And usually that person left your life with good memories that you can think back on fondly. When someone goes ghost on you unexpectedly, you can't think of any memory with them without feeling incredibly sad and haunted. Their entire existence and everything you did with them is tainted.

Edited March 9, 2016 by blackbird_brokenwing

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I'm so sorry. This is exactly what has happened to me and it's so hard to make people understand how incredibly painful it is. For someone you love so dearly to be fine one day and then literally vanish the next, no traces left. I haven't heard her voice, seen her face, or received any sort of communication in 6 weeks. And how you say "haunted by it" describes it perfectly. I haven't been able to sleep in my bed since she left. I've slept on the couch or at my parent's house (which is ridiculous because I live alone in my own place and would not want to live at home again) but something about sleeping in my bed where she slept the night before she disappeared (and that she is the last one to have made) haunts me.

 

I also agree with you that it's harder to deal with than a death. I've been saying that for the past month and I can tell people look at me like I'm crazy. But with a death, we are forced to deal with it, there is no alternate outcome. And usually that person left your life with good memories that you can think back on fondly. When someone goes ghost on you unexpectedly, you can't think of any memory with them without feeling incredibly sad and haunted. Their entire existence and everything you did with them is tainted.

 

Yeah, you don't want to mess up the bed cause you don't want to erase her, huh? I understand. I still have shirts of mine that she folded, and haven't touched. I'm just not ready yet. But we both will be, when we are.

[Itspointless]

On the other hand, after she dumped me, I really don't give a crap about people on a deeper level. I got over my two last breakups within a couple of days... and I know that it isn't healthy. It's not who I am or even who I want to be. I guess there's some kind of survival instinct that make us shut off certain emotions from time to time.

Have you ever done a test on your attachment-style? People who are avoidant attached can be masters in suppression. They usually congratulate themselves with being very strong and not needing others for emotional support.

 

Another possibility which is perhaps even more pressing is dissociation: SELF FRAGMENTATION AND TRAUMA. We sometimes do this in situations we really cannot emotionally control. See it like a huge dam being build in your brain, but do not be mistaken, most of the feelings and trauma still are there in dire need of being worked on.