Lost and Guilty

[tabr]

Hi guys, I am sorry for the length of this post, but id appreciate some opinions and advice.

 

My girlfriend of 4 years and I recently broke up. I've found myself feeling very confused and guilty over the last few weeks, to the point where I am finding it hard to function or move on.

 

When my gf and I first met, I was 22 and had never been in a relationship before. She was 19 but much more experienced in terms of dating as she had been in 2 relationships prior. In hindsight I realize my inexperience with relationships and girls in general caused me to became infatuated with her. Within 3 months of dating, I told her loved her and she reciprocated the sentiment although I'm not sure if she really meant it.

 

In the first year of our relationship when we were together we had a great time but i found it troubling that she refused to bring me to any parties with her even if her friends bfs were around. I also found it weird that she would not acknowledge me if i walked past her in a public setting and she was with her friends, and that she would ignore me and my friends if she ever saw us in a public setting. What was also troubling to me was that a number of her male friends had made advances on her including touching and kissing her, and she would regularly go clubbing with them and share a hotel room with them and later tell me "i trust them because if anything did happen between us they would never tell anyone". She also skipped hanging out with me on my birthday and did not get me a gift as she wanted to go to her friends birthday party (she didn't invite me but invited some of her male classmates who didnt know her friend) and needed the money to buy a new outfit. Don't get me wrong, I didnt want a gift, it was just hurtful to me that it felt like she didnt care about me at all. On her birthday, i also went out of my way to make it special for her including working extra shifts to buy her a gift. Around december i asked her to do something for new years and she told me it was tradition that she hang out with her friends then. Again she did not invite me saying it was a small group and that they didnt want outsiders.

 

I dont know why even though all these things bothered me so much i didnt vocalize my concerns more. I think i was just happy to have a gf, yet alone someone who i thought was out of my league. At the time, i would consider myself a shy person, and had a very hard time speaking to girls. I felt as if i was lucky to even have a pretty girl give me attention, so i chose to be silent.

 

Eventually, as we moved into year two, i began to get more vocal about my concerns. She insisted that her male friends were just touchy and they never did anything when they went clubbing/slept over, and that she would not invite me to any parties as that was her time with her friends. On my second birthday with her the same thing happened; she didnt buy me a gift and instead opted to buy a dress to go to her friends party, which again i was not invited. I began to get depressed, gained a ton of weight and generally felt as if my self esteem was at a all time low. I constantly questioned myself, and began trying to transform myself into someone she would like more. I began to listen to music i didnt really like, wear clothes i felt uncomfortable in, get haircuts i didnt like, and do stuff that was generally out of character all in an attempt to get her to bring me around more and include me in her life more. I felt pathetic.

 

As new years came around again, i asked if i could come to her friends party as we were now going out for 2 years and thought i should atleast meet them. She again refused. Then new years day came and around 10pm i got a call from a person who said they were her friend asking where i was. I was confused as my gf had told me her friends didnt want me there. Her friend insisted i come so i hopped in my car and drove 40mins to her party. When i got there i was surprised to see at least over 30 people, most of whom my girlfriend didnt even know. My girlfriend introduced me to some of her friends. The guy friends who i mentioned earlier openly began to mock me, mispronounce my name, and generally act disrespectful to me. My gf joined in with them and I, feeling like an idiot, didnt know what to do. She then took me to a room where it was only me her and 1 of her friends and made me stay there the whole night, and generally seemed uncomfortable with me being there. It got even more weird when a random guy came into the room, and she began to flirt with him infront of me and then he gave her a kiss. When midnight struck she told me to leave the party. When i started to leave her friend asked where i was going, and i saw her behind me in a mirror signalling to her friend to let me leave. I never felt so low in my life.

 

The next day i realized i had to stop worrying about her and do my own thing. I stopped calling her, started focusing more at work, started spending more time with my family and friends, and committed to getting back in shape. After a few months she took notice of my behavior and said i wasnt being a loving boyfriend anymore. I told her that i need to focus on my self and that i still loved her. As time progressed she began to get angry that i wasnt hanging out with her as often, and showing a general disinterest in our realtionship. I dont know why i didnt say anything, but i just continued to be in the relationship even though i knew it wasnt going to work. Eventually i took a 1 month vacation, did some soul searching, and realized we werent meant to be and that i needed to break up with her.

 

When i got back from vacation i told her how i felt, and about the incident at the party. She claimed she was drunk and didnt remember any of the behavior, swore she would stop sharing hotels with the guys, and bring me around more. I told her it was too late. At this point she told me she would kill herself if i broke up with her. I was devastated and told her i was sorry and that we didnt have to break up. She told me she would change and that she was sorry too.

 

In the next two years, nothing changed. I progressively got more resentful towards her for forcing me to be in a relationship, and my behavior and demeanor towards her reflected it. I became more secretive, spent less time with her, and showed a general disinterest in our relationship and her. Last month I told her i had enough and that we need to stop. She told me that she was okay with it ending, and that she wished me luck and was ready to move on.

 

The last few weeks have been rough for me. I dont know why, but i am constantly feeling guilty about continuing the relationship for so long when i knew it was doomed. I feel like i did a disservice to both of us.

 

I am now 27 and confused about where to go next. It sucks because she seems to have moved on very quickly while I'm still trying to figure out how to move on. We still remain friends on social media, and she seems to be going out more than we ever did in the last two years. I wish nothing but the best for her, but for some reason i feel so hurt when i see these posts but i cant figure out why. Although i know it wasn't working out, i miss her and constantly find myself trying to figure out what i could have done different in our relationship that would have made it work.

 

Has anyone ever gone through something similar? Was I justified in being upset at her about her wanting to keep her life with her friends private from me? Any advice on how to get over this?

[Audacious]

First of all , I am sorry that you're in pain , but it is natural

 

here is my opinion based on what I read

 

her behavior with you was not a loving one , generally , when you love a person you cannot wait to introduce that person to family and friends , this is a big sign that she was not serious about this relationship and I don't think that she loved you or at least as much as you thought .

 

- 19 and already had two relationships ? that is somehow odd

- sleep over with guys friends ? dude seriously WTF

 

from what you wrote , nothing , absolutely nothing that was worthy in that relationship , it was a toxic one and I commend you on ending it , which will stand , I am sure as one of your best decisions

 

you deserve better than her and be glad that she is out of your life , it will hurt for a while but you have stretched this relationship as much as you can , it was based on a very fragile foundation to begin with add to that , the ignoring of the many red flags along the way

Edited February 22, 2016 by Audacious

[mightycpa]

Dude, you were a doormat. In fact, you were so much of a doormat, I'm skeptical that this story of yours is even true. That's how unbelievable it is. Do you have any friends? Your story says you do. How is it that they allowed you to go on like this? Like I said, unbelievable.

 

In the first year of our relationship when we were together we had a great time but i found it troubling that she refused to bring me to any parties with her even if her friends bfs were around.

I'm not sure when you went from dating to boyfriend/girlfriend, but whenever that happened, that was when this nonsense should have stopped.

 

Cut her off for good. Read that No Contact post at the top of the forum, and do what it says. And go complain to your friends (and family) that they didn't look out for you.

[ilovemefirst]

I would go back to focusing on myself. You got your self respect back when you did that. She could not handle it, bc she missed you being her doormat. Block her and move on. In time, you will realize, you did the best thing for yourself. She does not deserve you, or anyone else for that matter!

[Toodaloo]

Of course she has moved on quickly she was never in it to start with!

 

Read all of the above again. - Save me from typing it.

 

I know it hurts now but soon you will shake your head and ask yourself "what WAS I thinking?"

 

Glad you are on the healing path or whatever we all call it. Keep marching on!