Mixed signals

[J7H68]

So, I recently broke up with someone and I am struggling to understand and make sense of the situation. Any advice or external perspectives would be really welcome.

I was dating a guy for around 3-4 months, we clicked immediately and for the first two months things went really well. We saw each other and spoke a lot and he was really keen. A couple of months in I started feeling as though he was pulling away a little as gradually the contact and the amount of time we saw each other had begun to decline. I found myself starting to hold back because I felt like I wasn’t getting much back from him.

After a few weeks of this I asked him if there was something wrong. He told me that he was sorry and he had been stressed about other things, not me, and he was happy seeing me, but that he had been on the receiving end of a couple of bad breakups which had really hurt him in the last couple of years and was feeling very cautious about getting into another relationship and worried about the past repeating itself. We are both around the age to settle down and have kids and he also said there was more pressure for any relationship to be ‘the right one’. We agreed that we felt the same way about things, that we weren’t interested in seeing other people and we were happy to see where things went.

He then seemed to step up his game the following week, he made more effort, was in contact more, making plans and started introducing me to friends, things seemed to be going back to how they were at the start.

The following week he asked to make more plans with me including meeting more of his friends but as the week progressed I felt him get a little distant again. He got really ill and seemed a little off with me. At the end of the week (and only ten days after we had spoken about things) he called it off saying he was sad to do it but he wasn’t sure his feelings were strong enough for it to become a relationship but that he really liked me and really enjoyed spending time with me and he would really love it if we could stay friends. He said if we had met years before he probably would have wanted a relationship. He also said that when he started thinking about whether he wanted it to become a full-on relationship he realised that if he had to think about it, it wasn’t right.

I feel quite hurt and led on. I understand people change their minds but I’m confused as to why he was open to the possibility of a relationship one day (to the point that he opted not to end it when given the opportunity) and then only a few days later had decided he wasn’t. He said he had only been feeling that way for the last few days, but I don’t understand why he took it right to the brink of a fully-fledged relationship and stepped things up only to then back out?

[PegNosePete]

I’m confused as to why he was open to the possibility of a relationship one day

Open to the possibility does not mean it will definitely happen. It means maybe possibly, not "yes". But when his decision making process crystallized, despite making extra efforts to make it work, it was negative.

 

Time to move on. If I were you I'd decline his friends offer. Exes don't often make good friends, especially if one still has feelings.

[J7H68]

Thanks, he previously said he didn't let people in/introduce people to friends etc until he was sure of them. It seemed like a big deal to him and not something he did usually with people he was dating or something he would have done if he was uncomfortable doing so. So I'm confused as to why he did this and asked me back again, then called it off a few days later when it went well.

[PegNosePete]

It doesn't really matter why he did it. You can speculate until the cows come home but it won't change a thing. The fact is that unfortunately he doesn't want a relationship with you, so I'm sorry to say you need to accept that and move on. When the right guy comes along you won't be asking "why"!

[bigbaby]

Because people often don't do unpleasant things like break up with someone in a strictly logical, linear way, that's all.

 

 

You are pointing out discrepancies where he showed possible evidence of wanting to be with you before breaking up with you. But then there were also all those weeks where he distanced himself from you.

 

 

Maybe he was trying to talk himself into proceeding further with you then decided for sure that he just wasn't feeling it. Maybe he wanted the ego boost of having his friends etc. see him with such a pretty woman. Maybe... anything, right?

 

 

I don't think you were led on, not deliberately anyway. More like he had somewhat mixed feelings for a time and his behavior accurately reflected it.

 

 

It seems like a lot of new relationships break up right at about four months. That's enough time for the initial infatuation to wear off and the partners to consider each other as a suitable match, I guess.

 

 

Sorry this one didn't work out.

[J7H68]

Thanks so much for your replies. They have really helped.

Friends have kept saying it seems like he got freaked out/let his insecurities from his past relationships get the better of him and bailed. His friends had even warned him that this was what he was doing when pulling away.

But I guess it doesn't really matter what his reasons were. The fact of the matter, like you've said, is he ended it and you're right that there's no point analyzing it any further.