Give it another chance or should we just end it - lots of problems here apparently.

[mrsoftheart]

Hi forum.

 

I have no idea about what I’m hoping to get out of this. If this is a case of GIG, or whatever it is. I’m not even sure what the question is. But I’m having some issues with my current relationship.

 

I’ve known my girlfriend for 15 months more or less. We are one of those glamourous people who’ve met through online dating. I am four years older than her and I guess that I’m really starting to feel that age difference. When we met I had just got my own place and moved back to the city in which I was born. I was looking to start fresh with a new flat, new job and all. Before that I’d lived abroad and in another city. Basically I’ve shared house with other people for roughly four years. Where am I getting with this? Well I’m just trying to explain how good it finally feels to have a place of my own. Well, more or less my own because after meeting the girlfriend we’ve been the two of us at either her or my place. And this is where just one of the issues in our relationship is.

 

After having been together for 6-8 months she began to agitate for us moving in together and I told her straight away that I wasn’t ready for that. I told her that we could try to rent out her flat for a brief period and that she could move in with me for a period. She didn’t want to live in my part of the city and suggested that we moved to her place. I don’t feel like giving up my place as it is fairly cheap and I put a lot of money into making it exactly what I wanted it to be. Ever since she’s been making snide comments about me not wanting to move in together. To make up for it I often offer to come to her place and thus compromising with myself because I also like being in my own surroundings. We are trying to balance this out and not stress about it but while I’m not a stressful person, she is. She constantly blames me for all the planning we have to do. I mean we sleep together every night but it still stresses her out because she needs to do a lot of planning.

 

If I’m honest I don’t feel ready to commit, I prefer having my own place an being able to go home, shut my door and be myself in my own company. I really enjoy my alone time. I know being in a relationship is about being together and that a togetherness overshadows everything. I have even told her that I am not sure whether I can return the love she holds for me. And that is because all these fights are wearing me down.

 

As mentioned above we argue a lot and that’s about all sorts of things and it always seems like that she is the one who starts the argument. I can’t really find heads or tails in our arguments anymore but our recent argument seems like one that we can’t shake off as it’s been going on for a long time. She has a reaction to my sibling relationship towards my sister which I don’t agree with and she won’t back down from it. My sister and I have a normal relationship, nothing exciting to report there. My little sister, who is 25 (a year older than my girlfriend) has always been at my parent’s place a lot and she often walks around in her underwear – and I hardly notice it. However my girlfriend does and she can’t accept it. I try to tell her that I don’t even see it and that she is overreacting. But she tells me that I have to change my relationship towards my family and I keep telling her that I can’t do that. Her answer to that is in a calmly way that we have to part our ways but what she is implying is that it is me and my sister’s fault and I’m not ready to accept that.

 

Now she’s texted my sister saying how we as couple feel her behavior is inappropriate. She has done this mainly because I haven’t mad a firm statement about how I feel – or at least she doesn’t accept it. Now my sister has replied that the two of them should talk without me present but the girlfriend insists that I should be there and support her. I have told her that I don’t agree with her and I can’t sit there backing her up if I don’t agree with her. She however, sees it as my duty as her boyfriend to back her in this. Anyway I don’t think that that meeting will take place as they can’t settle whether I’m coming or not. We are more of less in a limbo here and communication with my girlfriend have been weird all day.

 

To me it seems like that we/I have broken up a few times but always ends up back together because I don’t know whether it’s the right decision and I regret. But what really does the trick is seeing how sad she is, when she cries she cries uncontrollably, she is shaking and one time when we had an argument which nearly led to us breaking up, she vomited, that’s how gutted she felt. And I can’t take seeing her sad and broken. I pity her and tell that we’ll give it another chance. But once the fighting starts again a week or two later I’m back at hoping it would all just go away. Our fights aren’t just bumps on the road, we’ve had major fights ever since and before this relationship even got off. To my mind we’ve argued for a whole lifetime within the first 15 months we’ve been together.

 

As stated I don’t really know what I am asking here, and I am sorry for the essay. But I would really like a fresh pair of eyes on this. I do know it’s a bit much to ask.

[Ajen]

There's a deeper issue with her. You need to find out more about her past relationships, do you know anything about her family history? that would be a good place to start. Sometimes people don't know how their past affects them.

[Downtown]

My girlfriend often reacts wrongfully as a BPDer.... gets irrationally jealous over a lot of stuff.... got jealous of me and my little sister's relationship.... we argue a lot and that’s about all sorts of things and it always seems like that she is the one who starts the argument.

Softheart, I agree with you that the behaviors you describe in this thread and in Concerned's thread are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can determine whether she is a full-blown BPDer. This does not mean, however, that you cannot spot strong BPD traits when they occur. There is nothing subtle about traits such as strong irrational jealousy, temper tantrums, and always being "The Victim."

 

I am four years older than her and I guess that I’m really starting to feel that age difference.

If she is a BPDer as you suspect, the difference between your emotional ages is far greater than four years. A person exhibiting strong and persistent BPD traits typically has the emotional development of a 3- or 4-year-old child. That is the age at which their emotional development was frozen, most likely by a trauma occurring then.

 

At times she is loving, sexy, beautiful smart and caring.

The vast majority of BPDers (i.e., those having strong traits) are high functioning, which means that you likely will not see any strong BPD traits until you try to develop a close, long-term relationship. It is only when you draw close to a HF BPDer that you will start triggering her fears of abandonment and engulfment.

 

Moreover, that will not occur during the courtship period because her infatuation will hold those two fears at bay. The earliest you should start seeing strong BPD traits, then, typically is about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- i.e., it starts when the infatuation starts to evaporate, allowing the two fears to return.

 

When she cries she cries uncontrollably, she is shaking... I can’t take seeing her sad and broken.

Yes, my BPDer exW would do that. It was hard enough for me to watch the crying and sobbing but, what really got to me was the trembling and shaking -- which indicated to me that she was coming apart at the seams. I always became putty in my exW's hands whenever I witnessed the trembling and shaking.

 

I told myself that I would take a few months to see if things got better between her and I but due to this it has remained a roller coaster ride.

The closer you get to her the worse it will be, if she is a BPDer. Although a BPDer craves intimacy like nearly everyone else, she cannot tolerate it for very long without feeling engulfed -- i.e., a suffocating feeling of being controlled by you and of losing herself into your strong personality. This is why the fighting increased dramatically when you two started sleeping over at each other's apartments. And this is why, if she is a BPDer, the fighting will increase much more if you make the mistake of moving in with her.

 

Last time I broke up she begged and begged me to stay with her, she simply would'nt accept it. And from then on I have really had a hard time figuring out whether I want to stay with or not.

Although a BPDer creates lots of fights to push you away, once you actually leave you will trigger her great fear of abandonment. The result is that she will start love bombing you and begging you to take her back. On top of that, a BPDer has such strong child-like qualities that you will feel like you're walking away from a sick child.

 

It therefore is very painful and difficult to walk away from a BPDer and not take her back at some point. This is why BPDer relationships typically go through several complete breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending for good. Indeed, a recent BPDfamily survey of over 425 such relationships found that about a fourth of them experienced 10 or more breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending.

 

My sister wrongly involved my parents so now they have taken a stand against my girlfriend.... My parents and my sister refuse to even talk to my gilfriend at the moment and my girlfriend is not shy on telling me how unfair this is and I agree but some part of me can't help feel that she has made her own bed.

Yes, if she made the bed, you should allow her to lie in it. It is important to the well being of a BPDer that you allow her to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad choices and bad behavior. Otherwise, she will never have an incentive to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them. Hence, as long as you (and your sister) continue to walk on eggshells around her so as to avoid triggering a temper tantrum, you will continue to harm her with your enabling behavior.

 

My girlfriend insists that I should be there and support her [against my sister].

It is admirable that your sister stood up to her and stopped being an enabler. And it is admirable that you refused to support your GF's unwarranted verbal attacks on your sister.

 

She's been my little social project for a year and a half now and I always felt like I could save her and make her a better person.

If she has strong and persistent BPD traits as you suspect, a team of professionals cannot "save her" or "make her a better person." Learning how to manage BPD traits is strictly an "inside job" that the person herself must badly want to do for herself (using professional guidance). Sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to accomplish that.

 

If I’m honest I don’t feel ready to commit [to her].

Thank goodness! Praise the Lord! Smart decision!

 

I just want a quick piece of advice.

My advice is that, instead of moving in with her as she demands, you should walk away from this relationship -- if you decide that you are seeing strong and persistent BPD traits. I also suggest you read three online articles that I found to be very helpful. Two of them are Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9 at BPDfamily) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10).

 

The third article is Shari Schreiber's blog article at Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved?. It is the best explanation I have found of how excessive caregivers (like you and me) get to be this way. Schreiber argues that, due to childhood dynamics with our parents, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). Take care, Softheart.

[mrsoftheart]

Hi Downtown, thanks a million for your advice and thorough reply it is really useful and I wish I had had this advice 2 months ago because then I still would'nt be in this messy relationship.

 

I almost broke it off yesterday, I told her that I am not sure where I see this relationshio going. But she took it so well that I didn't know what to do with myself. She was of course very sad and told me that we can get through this together and since I don't think it is fair how my family is treating her at the moment I could'nt add further injury to her. She is a week from handing in her BA thesis and this would kill her and mean that she can't hand it in an although our relationship has it's obvious flaws, I just could'nt do this to her. I mean i do love her and all.

 

I, unfortunately have very annoying way of forgetting all of our fights and especially what they were about. I am a very forgiving person, this is all a very bad combination when it comes to this.

 

I don't know why but I just can bring my self to breaking it off. I know am the master of my own misfortune and all this. It's just like I am waiting for the next big fight to break it off. But as I have told her I will break it off if all our fights continue, it's likes she's listened and has become a bit calmer.