Lost and on my next step.

[Murek]

First off, thanks for looking at this as to nobody can truly give me a half decent outside perspective on this entire situation. I will try to make this as short and relevant - if any more info is needed just ask.

 

So me and my Ex have broken up, due to her being completely overwhelmed, swamped and that she cannot afford to let her grades drop. We have been in a relationship of 2.5 years which occurred after she was in uni. For the past two years it has been a wonderful moment within my life to where I got to learn how to love, and reciprocate that back onto another. From day one I've always been behind her and her dreams and I told her I would not play with her emotions, nor will I get in the way of her dreams, I truly want the best for her.

To make this short, I did not beg for her back once.

 

The week before things were fantastic nothing out of the blue, no arguments or that matter. However her new semester has started, within 2 days of her classes i noticed a significant drop her in communication. I asked her if anything was wrong with only her to ignore that - which to make it short, led me to confront her why she was not talking to me as much which prompted "maybe we shouldn't do this"

 

The entire time during the breakup she told me she was selfish, its not me its you, I want to see you, I want to talk to you, I have to focus on school, I don't know where I'm going with my life, and how she could not afford to lose grades due to her not being able to get a loan this semester. I told her, look you can quit your job to focus on school, I'll help you out as much as I can so you can continue to go on, she refused that and that's okay. At the end we held hands, hugged, kissed and the last she got up and left. ( she mentioned she loved me)

 

A week later, I messaged her that I need to talk to her. She did not avoid my messages, she agreed to see me for dinner and to talk afterwards but was incredibly nervous about what I had to say. Instead of dinner I gave her the option to go ice skating she picked that. As we were skating, she laughed, smiled, bit her lip, and held my hand multiple times. While we were talking, she said she needed space, she doesn't have time to fix things, its not no forever just not right now. I asked her if this was truly what she wanted, and she did not know just that she made her decision/ (this time she did not want to admit she loved me, but told me she missed me over the phone)

 

A week later again, I messaged her that I had a bunch of her stuff and i was going to drop it off. Surprisingly she responded with "we don't need to do it this weekend" and called me by my nickname. After I insisted she just said "k" While I dropped her stuff off, I told her to stop playing games with me as I told her earlier within our relationship that I would not play games with her heart. Asked her the actual reason of breaking up, Apparently me complaining about her not talking to me is what caused it "if you complained with just two days within the semester than it was just gonna go downhill from there soo..". As I told her, if you just told me you had to focus on school I would have been okay with this, and I would have helped you as much as I could, her response was odd with a blank stare into the ground with a long period of silence with only a small response of "you wouldn't like that.." my response " How would you know what I want and would not want". She told me to tell her if I'm seeing anybody so she knows not to say anything, yet she doesn't want to ask me back because what if she does this again. She told me to move on, and not to wait for her. I told her I'm not waiting however if she wanted me back to tell me. She wants space, so once again I told her look I've lost you once, I think I can do it again if this is what you truly wanted I don't have time for people who wont invest back into me.

 

I've done as much as I could do in my power for this woman, I've been as empathetic and incredibly caring and understanding for her situation and I do wish the best for her. I'm not crying over it, I've come to terms with this and have thanked her for our time together. I'm not in pain not talking to her, I have inner turmoil due to her stringing me along. I have not talked to her since.

 

Question being, How do I know when to walk away from the person I love?

[Jay87]

It's funny to read your post and realize how many similarities there are with your ex and my ex. I just broke up with my gf of 4 years about a week ago so it's all very much still fresh in the stomach.

 

You are currently jumping through hoops and playing guessing games. I'm assuming your day is packed with playing over scenarios in your head and trying to decipher hidden messages. I can give you the hard facts and the truth, which is you need to move on. Both of you are unsure if you want to be together. Neither of you wants to be the one to let go or move on. It's an old game and you may think you or your ex are different or special but you're not.

 

It's not wanting to swallow the pain and deal with the next 6 months alone that keeps us wanting it to work with our ex's. I love my ex, and ideally it would have been a dream come true if the 2 of us worked out. But mate, 2 years ago I was going through the exact same process as what you are going through now. And 2 years later I wish I had had the balls to stand by my decision I made then. But I didn't and now I have to go through it all again.

 

There is nothing wrong with the two of you breaking off all contact for 6 months. If after that time you two happen to see each other or make contact and want to get together and discuss things, well then maybe that's a possibility. But if after 2.5 years you two are unsure, then it's not going to get better or change.

 

Best to move on. Suck it up and be a man about it. It's ok to hurt inside and cry or bitch or do whatever you need to do. But move on and accept the fact it's going to be tough for the next few months and accept the fact that if it was going to work out between you two, it would have already.

 

Best of Luck,

 

Jay

[Murek]

It's funny to read your post and realize how many similarities there are with your ex and my ex. I just broke up with my gf of 4 years about a week ago so it's all very much still fresh in the stomach.

 

You are currently jumping through hoops and playing guessing games. I'm assuming your day is packed with playing over scenarios in your head and trying to decipher hidden messages. I can give you the hard facts and the truth, which is you need to move on. Both of you are unsure if you want to be together. Neither of you wants to be the one to let go or move on. It's an old game and you may think you or your ex are different or special but you're not.

 

It's not wanting to swallow the pain and deal with the next 6 months alone that keeps us wanting it to work with our ex's. I love my ex, and ideally it would have been a dream come true if the 2 of us worked out. But mate, 2 years ago I was going through the exact same process as what you are going through now. And 2 years later I wish I had had the balls to stand by my decision I made then. But I didn't and now I have to go through it all again.

 

There is nothing wrong with the two of you breaking off all contact for 6 months. If after that time you two happen to see each other or make contact and want to get together and discuss things, well then maybe that's a possibility. But if after 2.5 years you two are unsure, then it's not going to get better or change.

 

Best to move on. Suck it up and be a man about it. It's ok to hurt inside and cry or bitch or do whatever you need to do. But move on and accept the fact it's going to be tough for the next few months and accept the fact that if it was going to work out between you two, it would have already.

 

Best of Luck,

 

Jay

 

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

 

My days are not filled with wondering what if, and so on and so forth. Also, I'm very sure of what I want, which would be to get back together - however I understand this isn't going to happen. My problem being is either to stick around and fight one more time to see if she's made her mind up or not. I hope I cleared any confusion I may have displayed?

 

I've already come to terms with this, I hope you understand that.

[testmeasure]

I'm guessing she's younger? In her 20s?

 

Don't take anything I say too seriously, it's been a couple decades since I was that age.

 

1. My first thought was maybe there's someone she finds attractive in one of her new classes this semester.

 

2. She may actually be busy, and realize that you won't be able to resist wanting to spend time with her, and she won't be able to resist giving in and doing it. If there are loans or financial stuff that suddenly change the importance of grades, that increases the possibility this is the real reason. It's noteworthy that if this is, the reason, it will also keep her from seeing someone else.

 

3. If you guys are in your 20s, sometimes girls just get unsure.

 

So, which is it? For now there may be no way to tell. If this is not tearing you apart in a way that you are dwelling on it and need to move on from, the answer may reveal itself with time and the right strategy.

 

The right strategy being, give her what she wants, and let her see how much she likes it.

 

Here would be a very tactical approach: Stay in minimal contact, but mostly ask her about school. How's school going? Have you had to write any big papers yet? Are midterms coming up soon? How did you do on those mid-terms?

 

Contact her as little as possible, but with every contact designed to focus on her school and give you as good a picture of where she is at with it.

 

After she has the results back from her midterm tests or mid term projects, that's when you strike. Ask her to get together and talk. I've got something I'd like to talk about, can we get together? I'd like to do it in person.

 

Never mention 1 on the 1-3 list above. The simple hope is if it's 1, you gave her enough weeks to figure out the grass isn't always greener and to come back to you and not go there again. Possibility 1 is for you and you only, to prepare you psychological to face the fact that at any time you could contact her and she could be all like hey, you should meet my new bf.

 

Setting aside 1, if you do minimal contact but focus on school, you have crafted the perfect persona and behavior to address 2 and 3.

 

You have shown the ability to back off and support her focus on school. With her mid-terms over, if she did well with that additional time and space, she should be feeling much better about where she is than at the nervous beginning of a semester. You've spent weeks showing only concern over her school progress, schedule, and events surrounding that.

 

In spite of the claimed supposed, but now disproved need to discontinue the relationship because of a need to focus on school, you can point out that you have maintained your interest in it. This kind of patients and certainty does not deserve to be met with uncertainty. If she can not accept what you offer without reservation, it can't be offered on an unending basis.

 

If she won't pick it back up after she got her mid term results and they are positive. Well, you have your proof in the pudding.

 

If her midterm results were mixed to negative and you give her space the entire semester, that's the best bad place you could be. You don't want to be the bf she had during her worst semester in school. If you were man enough to step back let her struggle and fail on her own, with no distractions, and she still won't get back with you, then you really, probably don't want her.

Edited January 27, 2016 by testmeasure

[Murek]

I'm guessing she's younger? In her 20s?

 

Don't take anything I say too seriously, it's been a couple decades since I was that age.

 

1. My first thought was maybe there's someone she finds attractive in one of her new classes this semester.

 

2. She may actually be busy, and realize that you won't be able to resist wanting to spend time with her, and she won't be able to resist giving in and doing it. If there are loans or financial stuff that suddenly change the importance of grades, that increases the possibility this is the real reason. It's noteworthy that if this is, the reason, it will also keep her from seeing someone else.

 

3. If you guys are in your 20s, sometimes girls just get unsure.

 

So, which is it? For now there may be no way to tell. If this is not tearing you apart in a way that you are dwelling on it and need to move on from, the answer may reveal itself with time and the right strategy.

 

The right strategy being, give her what she wants, and let her see how much she likes it.

 

Here would be a very tactical approach: Stay in minimal contact, but mostly ask her about school. How's school going? Have you had to write any big papers yet? Are midterms coming up soon? How did you do on those mid-terms?

 

Contact her as little as possible, but with every contact designed to focus on her school and give you as good a picture of where she is at with it.

 

After she has the results back from her midterm tests or mid term projects, that's when you strike. Ask her to get together and talk. I've got something I'd like to talk about, can we get together? I'd like to do it in person.

 

Never mention 1 on the 1-3 list above. The simple hope is if it's 1, you gave her enough weeks to figure out the grass isn't always greener and to come back to you and not go there again. Possibility 1 is for you and you only, to prepare you psychological to face the fact that at any time you could contact her and she could be all like hey, you should meet my new bf.

 

Setting aside 1, if you do minimal contact but focus on school, you have crafted the perfect persona and behavior to address 2 and 3.

 

You have shown the ability to back off and support her focus on school. With her mid-terms over, if she did well with that additional time and space, she should be feeling much better about where she is than at the nervous beginning of a semester. You've spent weeks showing only concern over her school progress, schedule, and events surrounding that.

 

In spite of the claimed supposed, but now disproved need to discontinue the relationship because of a need to focus on school, you can point out that you have maintained your interest in it. This kind of patients and certainty does not deserve to be met with uncertainty. If she can not accept what you offer without reservation, it can't be offered on an unending basis.

 

If she won't pick it back up after she got her mid term results and they are positive. Well, you have your proof in the pudding.

 

If her midterm results were mixed to negative and you give her space the entire semester, that's the best bad place you could be. You don't want to be the bf she had during her worst semester in school. If you were man enough to step back let her struggle and fail on her own, with no distractions, and she still won't get back with you, then you really, probably don't want her.

 

Wow, I was not expecting this type of perspective.

 

First question being, yes she is 20, turning 21 soon - Going to pharmacy school and where I live seats are very limited and are competing with people who have full blown degrees etc. If she was seeing someone else well.. my mentality is; if she was that easy to lose then she's that easy to get over with - I've come to terms with that.

 

Secondly, I'm curious by what limited contact truly means? I do believe her midterms are sometime next month (February ). On a side note, when you mention to talk in person, i can only assume its meant towards working things out but to pick your brain here for a moment, Exactly how would you talk to a person in this mind frame after that, how would you tailor it?

 

I appreciate your outside look on this, and ideas. Thanks alot

[testmeasure]

Talk in person after she has her results from her midterms back. Between now and then, give her what she wants, leave her alone so she can focus on school. That way when you do talk you can point out that you have proven that you can leave her alone to focus on school.

 

The overall strategy is a give her what she wants and see how much she really wants it while at the same time proving you can leave her alone to do well in school.

 

How much is minimal is a good question.

 

When I wrote it I probably had some simplistic idea that you would text her maybe a couple times a week and ask her how school was going. By keeping the contact about school, it shows you take that seriously.

 

In general, you would get a feel from her. If she answers at length, step up the frequency. If she gives one word answers, step it down.

 

It's a give her what she wants strategy. So, talk about school as much as she wants to, but not more than that. That may be hard to evaluate with texts, but you're the one who knows her, so do your best.

 

It being a give her what she wants strategy, I could say if she expresses interest in you or says something positive about the relationship or flirts, that would make it ok to reciprocate the same amount. That would be one way to play it.

 

Problem is, go back and read the actual wording of 2. My girl back in those days was just doing an economics degree, but she wasn't the most academically proficient. You would think that if they are strong enough to say NO and end the entire relationship to protect their academic performance, why the heck can't they just say NO, I can't get together on days where they have school stuff. Why do they have to nuke the whole relationship? The thing is, they tend to think in very practical terms about social pressure. She knows you won't be able to resist wanting to spend time with her, so she knows she will feel pressure to do so. She knows that sometimes she'll give in and sometimes she'll be able to resist. The problem is, giving in isn't good for the academic side, and having to say no to something you both really want makes her feel like crap. The more she's into you, the worse this is. It makes it less likely she going to be able to say no to spending time with you, and if she does manage to say NO, she's going to feel even more like crap for having to be the one to say no to something you both want that much more.

 

Part of the problem here is she may very well be only looking at you as 1/2 the equation. Half of the reason may be she knows that she herself is to weak to resist spending too much time with you. (Think about that, you can't recover from something like that by taking her out and showing her a good time.)

 

So, here's the thing. If you're keeping in contact, but focusing on school, and she says something about missing you or that she hopes the two of you can get back together, you probably need to reciprocate. Show equal interest back, no more, no less. You don't want her to get the idea that you're not interested or that you're pissed at her for breaking up.

 

The problem is if things start to ramp up and you start to spend time together that triggers the whole set of problems. You can't afford to revisit those problems till you have PROVEN that you can let her focus on her school work.

 

Here's the formula. Again, this is give her exactly what she wants, no more no less. The focus on school that you started with, don't ever drop it. If things ramp back up and you're communicating more and more, still make sure a lot of it is about school. That way, if it does reach a point where it's appropriate to get together for coffee, you're already so "in the loop" on what's going on with her school, it's easy for the two of you to both talk about how to fit it in without her having to choose between school work and you.

 

See how that works? The only way for you to be properly supportive of her school work, is for you to be in the loop. That way you can be an active part of making sure she doesn't have to choose between it and you. Because if she does have to choose, she'll choose you and sink academically or choose the school work and feel crappy about having to be the one to say no to something you both want.

 

If you feel things are slowly ramping up by the time she gets her midterm results, postpone or kill the idea of meeting in person to talk. You don't want to mess with it if it's already headed in the right direction. The in person talk is if she keeps you distant. If she does keep you very distant, let her. Give her enough time to feel more comfortable about the semester while you prove you can let her focus on school. Then use the in person meet see if you can get her to changer her mind about keeping you so distant. The in person meet after she has her midterm results is to jump-start things if she's not letting you in at all.

 

I wrote way to much. Again. But minimal contact while keeping the topic only about school was probably too simplistic.

[AnotherOnegone]

I am struggling with a similar situation. She has other priorities, and you were the easy one to drop. Its the same story, it hurts a lot, but if she isn't ready to work through issues and thinks there something easier out there for her, let her go. She will either come back or she wont. You need someone all in for you and the relationship no matter what the problems are. If they aren't all in, then you must go. (I am trying to figure out if she is all in).

[Murek]

Talk in person after she has her results from her midterms back. Between now and then, give her what she wants, leave her alone so she can focus on school. That way when you do talk you can point out that you have proven that you can leave her alone to focus on school.

 

The overall strategy is a give her what she wants and see how much she really wants it while at the same time proving you can leave her alone to do well in school.

 

How much is minimal is a good question.

 

When I wrote it I probably had some simplistic idea that you would text her maybe a couple times a week and ask her how school was going. By keeping the contact about school, it shows you take that seriously.

 

In general, you would get a feel from her. If she answers at length, step up the frequency. If she gives one word answers, step it down.

 

It's a give her what she wants strategy. So, talk about school as much as she wants to, but not more than that. That may be hard to evaluate with texts, but you're the one who knows her, so do your best.

 

It being a give her what she wants strategy, I could say if she expresses interest in you or says something positive about the relationship or flirts, that would make it ok to reciprocate the same amount. That would be one way to play it.

 

Problem is, go back and read the actual wording of 2. My girl back in those days was just doing an economics degree, but she wasn't the most academically proficient. You would think that if they are strong enough to say NO and end the entire relationship to protect their academic performance, why the heck can't they just say NO, I can't get together on days where they have school stuff. Why do they have to nuke the whole relationship? The thing is, they tend to think in very practical terms about social pressure. She knows you won't be able to resist wanting to spend time with her, so she knows she will feel pressure to do so. She knows that sometimes she'll give in and sometimes she'll be able to resist. The problem is, giving in isn't good for the academic side, and having to say no to something you both really want makes her feel like crap. The more she's into you, the worse this is. It makes it less likely she going to be able to say no to spending time with you, and if she does manage to say NO, she's going to feel even more like crap for having to be the one to say no to something you both want that much more.

 

Part of the problem here is she may very well be only looking at you as 1/2 the equation. Half of the reason may be she knows that she herself is to weak to resist spending too much time with you. (Think about that, you can't recover from something like that by taking her out and showing her a good time.)

 

So, here's the thing. If you're keeping in contact, but focusing on school, and she says something about missing you or that she hopes the two of you can get back together, you probably need to reciprocate. Show equal interest back, no more, no less. You don't want her to get the idea that you're not interested or that you're pissed at her for breaking up.

 

The problem is if things start to ramp up and you start to spend time together that triggers the whole set of problems. You can't afford to revisit those problems till you have PROVEN that you can let her focus on her school work.

 

Here's the formula. Again, this is give her exactly what she wants, no more no less. The focus on school that you started with, don't ever drop it. If things ramp back up and you're communicating more and more, still make sure a lot of it is about school. That way, if it does reach a point where it's appropriate to get together for coffee, you're already so "in the loop" on what's going on with her school, it's easy for the two of you to both talk about how to fit it in without her having to choose between school work and you.

 

See how that works? The only way for you to be properly supportive of her school work, is for you to be in the loop. That way you can be an active part of making sure she doesn't have to choose between it and you. Because if she does have to choose, she'll choose you and sink academically or choose the school work and feel crappy about having to be the one to say no to something you both want.

 

If you feel things are slowly ramping up by the time she gets her midterm results, postpone or kill the idea of meeting in person to talk. You don't want to mess with it if it's already headed in the right direction. The in person talk is if she keeps you distant. If she does keep you very distant, let her. Give her enough time to feel more comfortable about the semester while you prove you can let her focus on school. Then use the in person meet see if you can get her to changer her mind about keeping you so distant. The in person meet after she has her midterm results is to jump-start things if she's not letting you in at all.

 

I wrote way to much. Again. But minimal contact while keeping the topic only about school was probably too simplistic.

 

 

Right, okay I see what your saying now - makes more sense!

I might find that couple times a week may be a bit pestering no?

Still, thanks a lot for your advice.

[testmeasure]

Right, okay I see what your saying now - makes more sense!

I might find that couple times a week may be a bit pestering no?

Still, thanks a lot for your advice.

 

I don't know. Depends on the person and the culture I suppose.

 

Trying to think back.

 

Touching bases once in the middle of the week while she is "in the thick of it", gives you the chance to empathize if she's having a hard time with school that week. If you only weekend contact her, there's no opportunity to show your sympathy for her when she's in it. It gives a sense you don't care about the actual day to day battle.

 

Following up at the end of the week shows you care about the overall outcome. "How did your week at school go?" Might be the one where you get the most important stuff about what happened, what's still up in the air and what she is worried about going forward. If you never follow up to see how it turned out, you never get a chance to show you care about the outcome. If you never text her at the end of the week, it shows you don't care about the outcome of the battle.

 

So, yes, I would start with at least twice a week. As you learn more about her school world, use that to know when it's a better time to contact her.

 

There were times when I was on campus between classes, and the gap between classes was not enough time to seriously study, but too much time for just grabbing a meal to take up all the time. There were other times where it wasn't really enough time to do anything, but the buildings were right next to each other and I had time to kill. Now if she's really immersing herself in study, maybe she's using even that time. You've got to get a sense of it. If you can find some space in her schedule where she's normally bored and looking for something to occupy her, and become the go-to answer, that would be golden.

 

Same thing for the end of the week text. The person and the habit matter a lot. If there was such a thing as a cell phone, mine would be turned off Friday and Saturday while I did school work first. Others might need space to decompress after the school week before jumping into assignments, projects, and studying for tests. It just depends on the person. In talking to her about school, part of the mission is to slowly pickup on the details of all this.

 

You can ask these questions directly. But don't constantly put her on the spot with them. "When would it be best for me to text you next? I don't want to interfere with anything." Is a valid thing to say. But take the answer and learn from it. Don't just time after time put her on the spot to figure out when you should text next. If you take the answer she gives and learn from it, it shows you're listening. Just like everything else, if you find out you get a great response by directly discussing when and how often to communicate, then do more of that. If not, do less.

 

Sorry, I probably answered the why at least 2 times a week early and then just got into more of the fuzzy getting the feel and reciprocating thing that maybe you already got.

 

It's really not an easy thing to truly be supportive of someone who is trying to do something difficult while having a relationship with them at the same time. You have to actively be in the loop with them on what they are doing enough to play an active role in making sure they don't have to choose between you and the difficult thing they are trying to do.

Edited January 29, 2016 by testmeasure