Weird...breakup?

[Naysayer22]

Just going to start by stating the important facts, i was in a relationship with another female whom of which happened to be a Muslim, though didn't seem to follow Islam as strictly as her parents and friends, however was still religious nonetheless. I, however, not religious - but suffer immensely with depression and low self esteem.

 

We had been friends for years before we initially started dating, and I've always had some kind of attraction to her, I admit. We were always close and it wasn't up until late last year when we slept together, as friends, however then I realised that romantic feelings on my behalf were there, so naturally, I told her in a way that was deemed as a "joke" (I guess it was to avoid any disappointment, immature. I know) - however she replied with her feelings, too.

 

Though, at this point she was dating a Muslim male and seemed happy. He had expressed that he had no problem with her sleeping with females as long as no males were involved. (Weird.) Anyway, after many conversations, we decided that we'd give dating a try - and for the first few weeks, it was great. I was truly happy, and she seemed it too. I felt as though I had found my soul mate and had never experienced these feelings before despite being in a long term relationship prior this. We'd tell each other that we loved each other every day and when we were together, we'd do what couples do. We even spoke about moving in and having a future together. (20+19 year old) however things started to happen. She brought up the suggestion of an open relationship.. to which I shot down because I don't agree with it. She expressed that she wouldn't mind if I were with somebody else just as long as I didn't tell her. (I didn't let that slide, though. I'm stubborn as hell.)

 

Moving on, we'd kiss, hold hands, cuddle, and have sex(though, it was moderately one-sided due to her never really seeming to be into receiving) However, I'd always initiate the sex - maybe inconveniently, to which I have apologized for. She would always kiss back, and kiss my neck and then tell me that she has to go do work, but wanted to stay in bed with me and did on one occasion - but we never had sex. (which was fine with me) I'm just plagued with this guilt that I had made her feel pressured or bad for not having sex, which really wwas never my intention. She never mentioned it at all, but when I apologized, she just told me that I need to stop over thinking and that most of the time, the other person doesn't even remember or think about the thing that I'm over thinking about and that I need to stop worrying about what is happening and what is going to happen because we don't have any control over it. I'm sorry for how disorganized this is, but it's just something that has stuck with me since the break up.

 

But focusing now on the days leading up to the break up itself, on social media, she had mentioned that she wanted to practice her religion properly and that a lot of things have to change. So, I asked her about it and explained that I care about her too much to stand in the way of her religion and her needs because same-sex relationships within the Islamic religion really isn't something that is accepted. Her reply was that she doesn't know much about homosexuality in Islam, but will educate herself and let me know. (She never did) and then I explained that I'm not breaking up with her but I do not want to be the person to stand in the way. She said she wasn't breaking up with me neither and then nothing more was said on the matter, yet she continued to tell me she loves me and that she's happy with me.. until a few days later when she broke up with via snapchat... literally. Her reason for the break up was that she's in an awful stage in her life and felt guilty and selfish due to the fact that i'm not a therapist and i have my own problems and health to deal with and that it just isn't going to work because of it.. which was absolutely fine. I totally respect and understand that. She text me after the break up telling me to take care of myself and that she loves and cares about me, how grateful she is to have met somebody like me, and how I met a 'bitch' who wasn't worth my time, told me that one day she hopes that I care about myself the way I care about others, that i'm the kindest, most "chill" person, and that i'm easy to love. Which okay, was nice to hear, but didn't really help in any matters. I explained my feelings for her and asked if it was anything I had done, yet she replied that it wasn't and that it's again due to her being in an awful stage and that she'd have told me if I had done anything wrong. She also suggested we stay friends and that we meet up to talk in person.

 

Fast forward a day or two, I told her that I could be friends with her as it's better to have her as a friend than nothing at all, but also said that it'll be hard to see her with another and the whole moving on process will be hard and that she will move on, but not at the moment. She agreed that it'll be hard and said that she doesn't usually befriend her ex's but will do if it's something I want(though, she suggested it first.) .. okay. Anyway, we spoke normally afterwards. Joked around. Acted the way we usually would. No problems at all.

 

And then she just stopped talking to me all of a sudden, nothing bad had been said, in fact, we last shared a joke. I text her a day later and asked if we are still meeting up, but no reply, and haven't heard from her since. She's been online talking to other people, though. I don't really know what to make of it as my head is just a mess right now. I do know that her ex boyfriend is back on the scene after we broke up though. So maybe she is dating him again, but wanted to let me down lightly since I was cheated on in my last serious relationship - i don't know.

 

Also, we remain connected on social media and I had noticed that she's changed her username and deleted all of her posts/pictures on Instagram (I wasn;t stalking, but had noticed from my follower list and I guess this doesn't do me any justice here, but bear with) ... whilst we were together, she would always write things about me on her blog(we followed each other) and then one day, just deleted all of the posts and every post which had anything female related. (Female bodies, porn, etc) and had written a post saying that she feels emotionally dead and doesn't want affection and that she's made a lot of changes, eliminated toxic people, and is focused on her career goals at the minute)

 

So, guys.. what is the best bet? leave it to N/C or try to find closure so I can fully move on?

Am I just being a cynical idiot here? What should I do?

Edited January 26, 2016 by Naysayer22

[TaraMaiden2]

Cut off all means of contact or being able to check up on her - or her on you.

Drop any connection, and forget any friendship.

Block, delete, deny.

You're broken up.

She's an ex.

You need to move on.

 

Frankly, the gender is immaterial.

The procedure is the same.

 

See the NC Guide in my signature and follow it to - the - letter.

 

Good luck.

 

ETA: I take it you are under a doctor/in therapy, for treatment for your depression?