An acquaintance that experienced the fade

[Methodical]

I had a conversation with an acquaintance yesterday. The more we talked, the more I thought about a couple threads on LS.

 

This woman was approached in a cunningly persuasive manner and entered into a FWB arrangement. All was well and good until the FWB partner got involved in another similar arrangement with another partner. The acquaintance is feeling discarded bc the sexual benefits have stopped, at least for now. (Roughly two months.)

 

This woman is sad and feels discarded bc she believed the sexual connection would continue in some capacity (as it has for the past year), even if it ceased to exist on a regular basis. Btw, neither party is married so that’s not an issue.

 

Eventually she asked for my take on the situation.

 

I sort of understand why she feels discarded. FWB and FB arrangements come with a no strings attached implication. However, I feel if a person is mature enough to enter into such an arrangement, they should also have the balls to do the same if they desire to end the arrangement rather than fading away. (Extending common courtesy goes for either party desiring the change.)

 

I’m curious to see other ppl’s thoughts. Do you think when FWB or FB arrangements change, a conversation should be had rather than fading?

[BikerAccnt]

Definitely,

 

Mature individual explain their actions, they don't just fade. Especially if you have been physically intimate with them.

 

If you're going to disappear from someone's life, and you know that you are planning on it, you should have the courage to tell them. But unfortunately, a lot of people don't.

 

Even in long term relationships, people have experience the fade. I think that's especially sad. Sure, conversations can be difficult, but that's no excuse.

[PegNosePete]

Seems like you're attaching strings to a no strings situation here?

 

But yeah, I would say honesty is the best policy, and if someone wants to discontinue a relationship (whether FWB or otherwise) it is respectful to inform the other person rather than fade.

[Toodaloo]

But she knows that there is another woman... Isn't that enough or is her self esteem so far in the toilet that she will do anything to get in the guys boxers?

 

That conversation has been had.

 

She needs to back away from the play boy and do things that make her feel good about herself again.

 

FB/ FWB situations are not great situations. Its just an ongoing one night stand. He owes her nothing.

[Methodical]

Seems like you're attaching strings to a no strings situation here?

 

But yeah, I would say honesty is the best policy, and if someone wants to discontinue a relationship (whether FWB or otherwise) it is respectful to inform the other person rather than fade.

 

I gently told her that she'd become 'a little invested' as well.

 

Her contention is that she's not invested like ppl in committed relationships are, but that she expects a level of honest communication after being intimate.

 

The more I've thought about it, I'm tempted to suggest she broach the subject to find out where the arrangement stands. I'm thinking the FWB partner may not be finished with their arrangement - but is otherwise busy atm. At least she'd know where things stand, which to me is better than wondering and projecting.

[Toodaloo]

I gently told her that she'd become 'a little invested' as well.

 

Her contention is that she's not invested like ppl in committed relationships are, but that she expects a level of honest communication after being intimate.

 

The more I've thought about it, I'm tempted to suggest she broach the subject to find out where the arrangement stands. I'm thinking the FWB partner may not be finished with their arrangement - but is otherwise busy atm. At least she'd know where things stand, which to me is better than wondering and projecting.

 

I actually see is very clearly.

 

He has been honest. He has been polite. Instead of telling her "the pootang is sweeter over here go hoik your pearly elsewhere"... he has said I have another friends with benefits.

 

Busy? Of course he is busy he is sleeping with someone else and when that happens all agreements are off. Simple as.

 

This guy is clearly sleeping around. Has she heard of STD's? The principle of "high risk partners"?

 

To me it is clear where she stands. On the side lines waiting for the wrong car to pull up. She caught a duffer.

 

Good luck with your friend. She has her head in the clouds and is about to suffer a whole world of pain unless she quits trying to hang herself with this one.

 

Blunt I know but as it is.

 

I can tell you right now the stuff he will be saying to his mates each time she calls or sends a text... its not pretty, its not complimentary.

 

Tell her to lick her wounds and quit contacting him. It really is obvious and clear. He has used her and thrown her away when he sees fit - as per the agreement she had and consented to with him.

[jen1447]

I think some sort of notification is ideal in a perfect world, but unfortunately it's not a perfect world. Sometimes fades do happen 'naturally' - w/no ill will or even any intentions of things ending necessarily. Ppl just drift apart.

 

Honestly I think there are more ppl on my casual sex list that I've just drifted away from than I've had some sort of "this is over" discussion with. It's the nature of the beast.

[Methodical]

No, it's definitely not a perfect world and ppls standards vary considerably.

 

For example: I'm married and indulge in extra curricular activities on the side - with hubs' knowledge and consent. Some ppl prob. view that as cheating, whereas I do not. IMO, cheating is doing something behind your partner's back, w/o consent, being deceitful.

 

If I decide to no longer indulge in those activities, I'd let the person(s) know rather than going full stop with whiplash aftereffects. Just seems like a courtesy thing to me. Even a gradual fade would be better than slamming on brakes and leaving a person hanging. If they were good enough to tango with, a polite conversation shouldn't be too hard to have.

 

I could see a FB going full stop more so than a FWB. Then again, I say I know many acquaintances. They fall into that category because 'fair-weather friends - ppl who call themselves friends until the chips are down - are a dime a dozen. Those aren't the types of ppl I consider friends. Ha, friends with benefits has a better ring than acquaintances with benefits, but the latter seems more fitting.

 

Real friends, ppl who are there thru thick and thin, are rare gems.

[Methodical]

"Jane" called Thursday evening, still miserable over "John" fading. After rehashing their relationship, I suggested she call John and have a discussion. Although I don't mind listening, I can't do anything to change her situation.

 

Welcome to miscommunication and assumptions.

 

In the beginning, they both called and initiated hookup dates. After a while, it was sort of implied more so than scheduled. Time ticked by, things were running smoothly. There were a few occasions where one or the other had to cancel bc other obligations interfered with what had become their normal routine. Then for a while, he called and scheduled hookups, which went well until it dwindled.

 

It turns out he thought she wanted things to cool off bc she wasn't initiating. She acknowledged her lack of communication and failure to reciprocate initiations, so she invited him over. And...they hooked up. That was Saturday.

 

I gathered they had a rather lengthy conversation Sunday before he left. He told Jane about Jill (which she already knew about) and said that he had told Jill about Jane before ever hooking up with her.

 

For now, she's a happy camper and said he expressed relief too. For the past few weeks, neither wanted to approach the pink elephant in the room. They have agreed to have "the discussion" if/when the time comes to end the benefits rather than fading. That's yet to be seen, of course.

 

I'm happy for her...and him. Hopefully they'll both communicate better moving forward.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Methodical