Will the pain of a breakup ever go away?

[Bri101]

Was in a relationship for almost 4yrs with my ex bf. We basically spent every minute,day and night together. It's been 5 months since my ex left me for someone else and I still can't get over him. I deactivated my fb because I did nothing but torture myself by seeing that they do more than we ever did. I know age is irrelevant but he also left me for someone 21yrs younger than him and that makes me feel I just wasn't good/fun enough. how does someone just throw that much time away? I can't even imagine being with anyone else and besides all my friends are married. I do not have one single friend so how do I move on or meet someone?

[mg4514]

Hang in there Bri...there is no magic elixir. The only remedy is time. I'm five months NC and the thought of kissing another woman makes me sick. My ex moved on in a matter or weeks, and is no doubt sleeping with another...still, the idea of being with someone else makes me ill. It sounds like a cliche...but all you can do is take it day by day. We were together five years...every day, every night. I still wake up every morning thinking about her. But I know, her feelings changed. She made a conscience decision to leave it all behind. All we can do is stay NC and take care of ourselves.

[itisdanielle]

Hi Bri,

 

Trust me, we all know how you are feeling and we know how much it sucks.

 

When my ex broke up with me in October I hated people telling me that it would get better. But it does. It really does. It's been just over 3 months for me, but my relationship was shorter than yours (3 years).

 

The things that helped me were; volunteering, spending time with friends and family, saying yes to going out even when I felt like wallowing in my duvet, I learnt how to knit, I concentrated on uni work, I blocked him on all social media so I didn't have a peek at his page during a weak moment.

 

I bought one of them mindfulness colouring books and when I had thoughts of him that upset me I would concentrate on colouring. Any old colouring book will do. You could even draw or something if you're into art.

 

I really put myself out there and made new friends, let go of old ones that didn't make me happy (the mutual friends me and my ex had were pretty crappy to me after the BU, I chose to let them go.)

 

I also went to the gym and tried yoga and meditation.

 

I've gotten to the point now where I have managed to make my life better than it was when I was with my ex. I've filled it with new things that make me happy. Yeah I still miss him, I still get upset every now and then, but that's normal. Don't beat yourself up about still being sad. Grief isn't linear and it's hard to let someone go that you held in your life for so long.

 

Sorry this post is a bit of a ramble but I hope it helps you!

[Bri101]

Thanks and yes it helps. I want to know if I am wrong for feeling this way..anyways, my ex is 42 and I am 35. Not only am I hurting and depressed over the breakup, but it's also the fact he left me for a girl who just turned 20.I thought we had a great and fun relationship. Sure we had problems and days that weren't so fun. We both are parents to teens, I've been in my 20's. Been there done that. This is why I feel so insecure.. Am I too old and not young enough

[mg4514]

Haha, Bri, I'm 42 and at my age you would be a catch!

 

What you're feeling is normal...in fact, the abnormal response to what has happened would be to do what he's doing. When there is a break up, more particularly if there is a significant investment, it takes time to mourn. If a person (like your ex) just skips from one to the next- he never takes the time to properly mourn. Meanwhile, it will all come crashing down eventually...THAT is when you will get the phone call, years from now, asking if you would like to reconnect. Don't do it. The true colors came to the surface. His priorities are no longer the same as yours. That's all you need to know.

 

Find your passion. Think of something, an activity, that really lights your fire but you never pursued it before because of time, money, resources, etc. Now pursue it! Make yourself happy. Check something off your bucket list. Be proud of yourself for an accomplishment. And then learn to love exactly who you are.

 

I haven't mastered this yet myself. I'm trying. But the more I properly mourn, the more healthy I'll be at the end of this. The healthier you will be moreso than him.

[Bri101]

Thanks I'll try. Even 6 months since breakup I still have no desire to do anything. It's a chore just to get up and go to work. I just wish he wasn't in my head 24/7

[theredpill]

Simple short answer... absolutely it will go away and you'll reach a point where fondness can remain, but there's no pain to sour the feeling.

 

 

The unfortunate accelerator to this happening is finding someone as good or better, tricky to do whilst caught in life's limbo. Time to focus on you as the poster above mentioned, that's great advice - when you're yourself, you'll naturally attract someone similar.

 

 

Good Luck!

[K2z]

I am in your same shoes.

 

My ex left our shared home in March, visited her sister in April in Europe, was still telling me I love you I miss you in June, and was married to a European guy in November. Seeing her wedding pictures on Facebook was like a goddamned harpoon to the heart.

 

And yet, I blame myself... and my head and heart manufacture this irrational cocktail of vague hope-- hope in which I somehow am relevant to her, or that I or the words I have written are influencing her somehow still.

 

We will never see or speak to each other again for the rest of our lives-- I know that-- and even if she were to divorce and crawl back to me on her belly, I could never trust her or her family again. Moreover, my mother and my friends would lose every trace of respect for me if I did take her back.

 

And yet she is my mind's focus from the moment I wake till the moment I close my eyes every day. It is maddening. Every now and then a monsoon of tears has me heaving for 30 seconds or so.

 

I am tapering the anti-anxiety medication I've been gulping down for about four months every night. Last night I went without it and had my worst night sleep in years. When I did fall asleep, I believe I went into convulsions.

 

And yet... and yet. I function better than I did a while back. Occasionally I am able to read, or to laugh at something or other. Watch TV. Listen to a podcast. It was unthinkable from August to end of November.

 

So keep coming back to this community, as I do. Real people are going through real, excruciating suffering here. All we can do is lean on each other, and wait.

[kittyxo]

Was in a relationship for almost 4yrs with my ex bf. We basically spent every minute,day and night together. It's been 5 months since my ex left me for someone else and I still can't get over him. I deactivated my fb because I did nothing but torture myself by seeing that they do more than we ever did. I know age is irrelevant but he also left me for someone 21yrs younger than him and that makes me feel I just wasn't good/fun enough. how does someone just throw that much time away? I can't even imagine being with anyone else and besides all my friends are married. I do not have one single friend so how do I move on or meet someone?

 

I am in the same boat as you Bri. I know how you feel 100%. I am too looking to rid the pain of a heartbreak. I know that as you get older it gets harder to deal with these things because like you, my friends are all in relationships and getting engaged - I am in the bridal party of my best friend who is set to be married in 2 months and let me tell you, it is hard being single especially during this time.

 

What kinds of hobbies are you interested in? Just because everyone else is in a relationship it doesnt mean that you have to deprive yourself of a social life. You don't have to date or even think about guys right now. Think Bri, what makes you happy? Do you like cooking? Photography? Music? Think of how you can incorporate any hobby into your day to day life so you can get back on track and go back to your old self.

[Bri101]

Thanks so much guys!! It does help coming to this forum for support. I still don't have any interest in any hobbies. Everytime I try to occupy myself I stop and think about him. It's constantly on my mind no matter what I try to do. I just hope I get to the stage where I am ready to do things and he is far from my mind soon!!

[Liono84]

I'm really sorry to hear that you have to go through this. It definitely sucks and won't be an easy journey for you, considering you were together for that long. I think you know the answer to your own question, but you need some reinforcement from others who have gone through the painful process. As for how long it's going to take? That depends solely on you and you alone. It can take however long you want it to take, but the first step in this is to learn to accept the loss in it's finality. I mean, accept that this is permanent and there is no hope whatsoever that he comes back to you, because that is where the odds lie. If you have any hope that he'll come back to you, than you really can't heal and will be stuck in the same stage for a long time. You also should try to self-improve in some way, whether it be joining a gym, a group, organization, new hobby, etc. It's critical because it will direct your focus into the present and engage you with not just something you feel like you'll have fun with, but also with an opportunity to meet new people since you mentioned you don't have many single friends in the moment. The older we get, the harder it is for us to heal after a breakup because we have less of a social network around us. Even though it's going to be difficult for you, you must get out of your comfort zone. The older we get, the more set in stone we are in our ways, and our way of life. It's harder for us to get away from our comfort zone, but we must.

 

Anyways, to answer your initial question, yes the pain of a breakup does go away, but it is predicated on many things and you do have control over many of those things.