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Roommates with your ex?

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Old 2nd December 2015, 11:00 PM   #1
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Roommates with your ex?

Anyone ever become roommates with their ex? Due to our current living situation, and really, our relationship has been more like roommates than lovers for the past year anyway, I'm wondering if it's an option others have considered or explored.

We are both mature and caring adults. And I'm also wondering if taking the pressure off and focusing on growing ourselves without the terror of the financial hardships of going it alone, might lead to a chance to rekindle things constructively. And maybe rekindling isn't even what I want. Maybe we just want each other in our lives and that's sufficient. Sex hasn't been at the top of our priority list for a while, that's for sure.

I'm sure some would say it's a recipe for disaster. Maybe it is. But maybe it would also be a way to redefine our relationship as something more like family, instead of jilted and unhappy lovers.
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Old 2nd December 2015, 11:05 PM   #2
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Started dating last girlfriend while her ex was still living with her. They had kids together; he had no job and was basically free daycare for them while she worked. Would've been a total deal-breaker for me had I gone in anticipating it being anything more than a casual fling that burned out within a couple months. Oops.

Needless to say, once things became a little more serious between us, the "roommate" situation became a huge problem. The guy wasn't over the relationship at all, and so he was a constant dissenter in our relationship. He eventually moved out, but I learned my lesson.

You're going to find your dating prospects dwindle considerably if you're looking for anything more than casual fun while living with your ex. That's an understandable boundary issue for most people, regardless of how mature the former couple supposedly is.
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Old 2nd December 2015, 11:05 PM   #3
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I couldn't imagine ever being able to do this with someone I had a long term committed relationship with.

I also couldn't imagine dating someone who still lives with their ex. That's one of the first lies that cheaters tell. "Oh we are just roomates these days and only live together because of (the money, the kids, etc)". It would be really hard to trust that relationship.

If you can make it happen, good for you, but it really IS a recipe for disaster... and it keeps you from moving on to a healthy relationship with someone else.
Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can't make a rainbow without a little rain.
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Old 2nd December 2015, 11:55 PM   #4
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Do you really want to have a cup of morning coffee & make small talk with the guy she banged last night? Or worse, do you want to hear them? Yuck!

Stick around long enough to find yourself a new apartment then get out.
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Old 3rd December 2015, 12:04 AM   #5
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I would expect that there would be some ground rules, like "no dating in the house". Or something to that effect.

Like I said, we're both reasonable and mature.

I can see all kinds of possible problems. But I see some benefits too. Not sure where I stand on it.
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Old 3rd December 2015, 12:42 AM   #6
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Based on your other thread, indecisiveness seems to be a recurring issue for you.

I can almost guarantee you that as soon as she finds a guy, your neutral "we were basically roommates, anyway" stance will go haywire and you're going to feel awful. Unless you're the most zen-minded person to ever exist, this will crush you, even if you really don't think it'd be an issue. Why? Because you're a guy!

Trust me when I say you'll want to have created some nice physical and emotional separation from this woman before she finds another guy. And she will find another guy. Minimize the damage and don't have a front-row seat at ground zero by still being roomies with your ex.
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Old 3rd December 2015, 12:59 AM   #7
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Agree with d0nnivain. This will only work if you don't mind watching (and hearing) her parade dudes through her revolving dating door... And, females always win this battle. I'm sure she could literally have a new dude every night if she so chooses. And she might, just to make you suffer. This is a war you cannot win.
Where do you stand on: codependency, self-esteem, self-worth, boundaries, identifying & addressing your wants and needs and decision making??
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Old 3rd December 2015, 4:24 AM   #8
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You can win this war if you stop caring and divest yourself. However, you'd have no problem and therefore no war at that point anyways. Move on in every way because whatever was reality is no longer and you need to accept that to continue forward with your life which may or may not involve her in the future and only some of that is up to you. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.
If I could tell the world just one thing and have it stick it'd be, "When wondering about the nature of something, ask yourself this question, 'Does it agree with observation?' and then utilize your answer objectively."
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Old 3rd December 2015, 4:32 AM   #9
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It's worth the financial hardship or any other hardship to just get out now. I've learned a valuable lesson and wrote about it in my thread. Different situation, but same lesson, get out sooner than later and move on.
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