LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

Completely Broke Down =(


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree19Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th November 2015, 5:32 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 69
Completely Broke Down =(

So it's been a little over 4 months since my ex of 2 years broke up with me. Aside from the first month, I have been slowly getting better and better, even though I still continue to think about her on a daily basis. However last night, I completely broke down while coming back from a friends party. I'm so angry at myself. I thought I was making progress. I've done a few things such as taking extra classes, going out routinely on the weekends, going to the gym on a daily basis, and it has helped, but when I have an episode like last night, I just wonder if I'm just lying to myself.

Even though I still have thoughts of my ex, I haven't had any emotional thoughts since the first month mark, but being at my friends party, and seeing how most of all my close friends and cousins present were either married, engaged, or in a relationship, just hit home. I felt like a loser there. I could just feel the awkwardness and the energy. I had a few comments from casual friends of mine who didn't know about our breakup where is my "gf" and all i said was "we broke up." Part of the problem isn't only that I miss my ex dearly, but it's also that I'm in my early 30's and just knowing how I have to start over again seems so daunting that it depresses the hsit of me. I have had 2 casual dates post-breakup and both we're just a reaffirmation of how tough it is to find someone I can truly be on the same page with. It's so difficult finding another partner that I came be both physically and emotionally attracted to. All I kept thinking was, what is to be with my life? Am I going to remain single for the rest of my life? Or worse, am I going to have to settle? It's one thing to get broken up with someone you loved and you're in your 20's and have so much time, but at the stage, it's so daunting. I just can't help but feel like I wasted 2.5 years for nothing. It's also so difficult going out now, because most of my close friends are all engaged or married.

Anyone else going through this? Any advice??
Gretzky99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2015, 6:22 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 87
Hi, I understand your pain and how you are feeling as I have a close friend who is in the same position. My ex cheated (8 year relationship) on me a couple of months ago and is already with the guy. However, like you say I have the benefit of only being 21.

Just because you are in your thirties doesn't mean there is nobody for you! And don't just settle! You will most likely find someone when you least expect it. My close friend was in the same position as you and she was very paranoid about finding someone as she wanted a family etc, but guess what she found someone just by joining a club.

Please don't feel like you are going to be single forever unless you want to be as there are millions of people out there. Just have to be patient and force your self to be socialable/outgoing.
sbk24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2015, 6:55 PM   #3
Established Member
 
StBreton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: I see the sun ... a lot
Posts: 1,128
Hey OP ... you're young! This isn't the end of your romantic life ... I'm way older than you and there's lots of love out there

It seems you might be at the point where you're open to meeting someone new and you're ready to accept that person into your life. You'd like to be part of a couple again. Although it's ok being single ... look for opportunities to meet single people ... yours is the perfect age as many people have waited longer to get married etc. If you go out there feeling needy and desperate...you will have a tendency to choose anyone and may feel you've settled in your choice later on so start feeling ok in your "singleness" ... that's when the best things happen.

So what are you doing to meet other single people?
__________________
We accept the love we think we deserve.
StBreton is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2015, 7:09 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by StBreton View Post
may feel you've settled in your choice later on so start feeling ok in your "singleness" ... that's when the best things happen.
This is SO TRUE. Whenever I have met a great guy, it's always been at a time where I was having fun being single and wasn't in the mindset of needing to meet someone/wanting a relationship.
itisdanielle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2015, 8:51 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 276
Quote:
Originally Posted by itisdanielle View Post
This is SO TRUE. Whenever I have met a great guy, it's always been at a time where I was having fun being single and wasn't in the mindset of needing to meet someone/wanting a relationship.
This is very true. Get to a point where you are happy within yourself and you will notice people are pulled towards you.
louxor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2015, 9:29 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5,168
Quote:
Originally Posted by itisdanielle View Post
This is SO TRUE. Whenever I have met a great guy, it's always been at a time where I was having fun being single and wasn't in the mindset of needing to meet someone/wanting a relationship.
Exactly. I think because when you're like that, you're projecting an image of yourself that is close to the best you can be. When you're worried about not having a relationship, people can smell that a mile away, and it is unattractive... like you can't be happy with yourself, so how could anybody else be happy with you?
mightycpa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2015, 10:30 PM   #7
Established Member
 
StBreton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: I see the sun ... a lot
Posts: 1,128
Quote:
Originally Posted by mightycpa View Post
Exactly. I think because when you're like that, you're projecting an image of yourself that is close to the best you can be. When you're worried about not having a relationship, people can smell that a mile away, and it is unattractive... like you can't be happy with yourself, so how could anybody else be happy with you?

Exactly...I can pick up whether I'm just there to "fill a void" instead of someone choosing me intentionally.
StBreton is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th November 2015, 10:37 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by mightycpa View Post
Exactly. I think because when you're like that, you're projecting an image of yourself that is close to the best you can be. When you're worried about not having a relationship, people can smell that a mile away, and it is unattractive... like you can't be happy with yourself, so how could anybody else be happy with you?
I see what you're trying to get at, but honestly, I can't do that. I can't just project that I'm happy with myself or where my life has gone when I sit here and think about how i wasted over 2 years with her and how I'm now in my early 30's and still single while every one of my close friends and family aren't. I can't be happy when it's hard for me to go out because most of my friends are now in relationships. I really wish I could, but I just can't and that's one of the reasons why I completely deleted my FB/Instagram accounts. I'm by no means an unattractive guy or depressed either. I just expected more of where my life would've been by now and seeing how difficult it is meeting other compatible matches as I've gone older makes me really sad/pessimistic about things. I won't get into a relationship just to settle, so the thought of me possibly being single for a lot longer really haunts me and to make matters worse I still think that I won't find a match like my most recent ex.
Gretzky99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th November 2015, 10:57 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5,168
Well, whether your friends are married or betrothed or have girlfriends or whatever is immaterial, really. That has nothing to do with you, other than who you choose to hang out with. Would you really be happier if none of your pals had a girl? If so, maybe you need new friends.

Next, there is the question of whether or not you can be happy with yourself. I hate the concept of being happy, because it is really very transient in nature, and any unrelated misfortune can derail happiness. So I guess the question really is whether or not you are capable of being content as an individual, without needing to wrap up your identity in someone else.

I think a lot of this boils down to your ability to date, doesn't it? There are two factors, as I see it. Your internal ability to date, and then the external environment that you've chosen to put yourself in. Let's take them in reverse order:

There are places in the world where there are tons of girls and they compete for guys. Then there are places where it's roughly 50/50, and finally, there are places where it is tough for a guy to get a date, because there are relatively few women, and the good ones are all snapped up by guys who have modified their normal boorish behavior because competition is fierce. I'm curious as to which of these environments you live in, and if you could live with dating a few women at a time in the pursuit of simple pleasure, without pursuing a committed relationship.

Then there is also the element of personal satisfaction. You seem to believe that there is something missing from your life, like you're not complete unless you're connected to somebody else. The trouble these people typically experience is that they abandon control of their own contentment to others, and they are subject to the whims of whoever it is they've invested their time into. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that this is you, but my experience with this type of individual is that they contributed little to me, and they placed an undue sense of importance on the relationship itself... one that I never felt. Ultimately, I concluded that we were incompatible, every time.

It wasn't until I found a kindred soul who was comfortable with herself that I even considered true commitment. I didn't need her and she didn't need me and that is what attracted us to each other. Both of us had something to contribute, our selves, without needing any validation of ourselves in return. I'd never really been with anyone like that before. To this day, she doesn't need me and I don't really need her, but I don't think either of us would ever give each other up, for exactly that reason. Comparatively, most of my other love interests were vampires, wanting something from me that I simply wasn't interested in delivering for the long term...like a stamp of approval for who that person was. I needed her to be satisfied with herself first, not just because I found her attractive. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it is something to consider.

You've got to love yourself, first and foremost. If you don't, fix that first.
mightycpa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2015, 12:14 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by mightycpa View Post
Well, whether your friends are married or betrothed or have girlfriends or whatever is immaterial, really. That has nothing to do with you, other than who you choose to hang out with. Would you really be happier if none of your pals had a girl? If so, maybe you need new friends.

Next, there is the question of whether or not you can be happy with yourself. I hate the concept of being happy, because it is really very transient in nature, and any unrelated misfortune can derail happiness. So I guess the question really is whether or not you are capable of being content as an individual, without needing to wrap up your identity in someone else.

I think a lot of this boils down to your ability to date, doesn't it? There are two factors, as I see it. Your internal ability to date, and then the external environment that you've chosen to put yourself in. Let's take them in reverse order:

There are places in the world where there are tons of girls and they compete for guys. Then there are places where it's roughly 50/50, and finally, there are places where it is tough for a guy to get a date, because there are relatively few women, and the good ones are all snapped up by guys who have modified their normal boorish behavior because competition is fierce. I'm curious as to which of these environments you live in, and if you could live with dating a few women at a time in the pursuit of simple pleasure, without pursuing a committed relationship.

Then there is also the element of personal satisfaction. You seem to believe that there is something missing from your life, like you're not complete unless you're connected to somebody else. The trouble these people typically experience is that they abandon control of their own contentment to others, and they are subject to the whims of whoever it is they've invested their time into. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that this is you, but my experience with this type of individual is that they contributed little to me, and they placed an undue sense of importance on the relationship itself... one that I never felt. Ultimately, I concluded that we were incompatible, every time.

It wasn't until I found a kindred soul who was comfortable with herself that I even considered true commitment. I didn't need her and she didn't need me and that is what attracted us to each other. Both of us had something to contribute, our selves, without needing any validation of ourselves in return. I'd never really been with anyone like that before. To this day, she doesn't need me and I don't really need her, but I don't think either of us would ever give each other up, for exactly that reason. Comparatively, most of my other love interests were vampires, wanting something from me that I simply wasn't interested in delivering for the long term...like a stamp of approval for who that person was. I needed her to be satisfied with herself first, not just because I found her attractive. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it is something to consider.

You've got to love yourself, first and foremost. If you don't, fix that first.
Wow, those were some very good observation and really made me thing about things.
To answer your questions. I would start off by concurring that no, my friends being single would not make me any happier. It would, however, make things a lot more easier with being single such as always having a group of friends to go out with on the weekends, and planning stuff all the time, but no, it would not be a factor into my overall "happiness."

Ultimately, I don't think I'd truly be happy being single at this juncture of my life. It wasn't the case as recent as 3, 4 years ago, but it def is now. That's not to say I'm depressed being single either, but I'd prob say being content is the best I can see myself and while that may be perfectly fine to some, I just don't see it as good enough for me. Furthermore, I'm a pretty realistic and self-aware guy, and I know that the older you get, the harder it is for you to meet an ideal mate. It's just a fact. Sure, you'll always have a dating pool of women, and sure, it's easier for men compared to woman since there is no biological clock and it's more readily acceptable to meet-date-marry the opposite sex who is much younger than you, but the fact is a lot of the good fish have already been taken.

As far as my ability to date; I live in Los Angeles, so I have a very large pool of girls, and very attractive ones, too, (though many shallow) in my "environment." Also, and not to sound conceited in any way, because I'm not, I am a relatively attractive guy. However, what complicates things, without getting too specific, is that due to my family upbringings (ethnicity/race/cultural) there is significant pressure from family and friends to ultimately find and marry one of my own and I want to as well. When I take that into consideration, the " external environment" is not nearly as large as one would make it out to be given that I live in LA. To answer your other question, I don't think I can continue dating more than one woman at a time for the sake of dating. It's funny because sometimes the stupidest thing to do is to put all your eggs in one basket. To date 2 girls you're interested in and see which one is more ideal, but I'm just not wired that way, even though it's not the wisest way to go.

And lastly, no, I don't have the obsessive/clingy type of personality. While I do expect both me and my G/F to have a level of commitment/respect to each other when we're in a relationship, I don't subscirbe to the notion that either I or she owns one another.

And that's about it. I don't lnow but that just my 2 cents and I really tried to be as honest as possible answering a lot of these question you asked. Some I really had to ponder about and never asked myself.

Last edited by Gretzky99; 9th November 2015 at 12:17 AM..
Gretzky99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2015, 12:36 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5,168
The whole trouble with family and what they want for you is that they have great ideas, but they don't have to live with their decisions for you.

As to the whole "multi-dating" thing, you might luck out and find the perfect woman by looking one at a time, but you know, they did invent massive parallel processing for a reason. Still, I get the sense you understand that your serial "wiring" is not the optimal configuration for your stated goal, and you're willing to live with that. What is curious about that is that I'd almost bet that in any other facet of your life, if your comfort zone wasn't producing the results you wanted, you'd be willing to adopt new approaches to get what you want, even if it took some getting used to. Maybe what the family would approve of is getting in your way of doing that in this case. Obviously, I'm just guessing here. And who said anything about only two? Throughput, my friend, throughput. Date three, keep looking for the next one, and ditch the worst of the four, lather, rinse, repeat.

It worked for me, although to be truthful, I was perfectly happy not having chosen a partner for life at your age, which pretty much goes back to the part where I decided to chime in.

Well, anyway, we explored it. Good luck.
mightycpa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2015, 1:21 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by mightycpa View Post
The whole trouble with family and what they want for you is that they have great ideas, but they don't have to live with their decisions for you.

As to the whole "multi-dating" thing, you might luck out and find the perfect woman by looking one at a time, but you know, they did invent massive parallel processing for a reason. Still, I get the sense you understand that your serial "wiring" is not the optimal configuration for your stated goal, and you're willing to live with that. What is curious about that is that I'd almost bet that in any other facet of your life, if your comfort zone wasn't producing the results you wanted, you'd be willing to adopt new approaches to get what you want, even if it took some getting used to. Maybe what the family would approve of is getting in your way of doing that in this case. Obviously, I'm just guessing here. And who said anything about only two? Throughput, my friend, throughput. Date three, keep looking for the next one, and ditch the worst of the four, lather, rinse, repeat.

It worked for me, although to be truthful, I was perfectly happy not having chosen a partner for life at your age, which pretty much goes back to the part where I decided to chime in.

Well, anyway, we explored it. Good luck.
Thanks for the advice, MightyCPA. I really appreciate it a lot. You're 100% correct in that if this was any other facet of my life, I would adopt a new approach given that what I've been doing hasn't worked. Statistically speaking, it does make more sense to seek and date more than one partner to weed out the one's who don't match. I don't know if I'll necessarily execute on the idea, but you definitely have planted a seed in my head, and who knows, I just may in fact adopt the strategy.
Gretzky99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2015, 2:11 AM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gretzky99 View Post
So it's been a little over 4 months since my ex of 2 years broke up with me. Aside from the first month, I have been slowly getting better and better, even though I still continue to think about her on a daily basis. However last night, I completely broke down while coming back from a friends party. I'm so angry at myself. I thought I was making progress. I've done a few things such as taking extra classes, going out routinely on the weekends, going to the gym on a daily basis, and it has helped, but when I have an episode like last night, I just wonder if I'm just lying to myself.

Even though I still have thoughts of my ex, I haven't had any emotional thoughts since the first month mark, but being at my friends party, and seeing how most of all my close friends and cousins present were either married, engaged, or in a relationship, just hit home. I felt like a loser there. I could just feel the awkwardness and the energy. I had a few comments from casual friends of mine who didn't know about our breakup where is my "gf" and all i said was "we broke up." Part of the problem isn't only that I miss my ex dearly, but it's also that I'm in my early 30's and just knowing how I have to start over again seems so daunting that it depresses the hsit of me. I have had 2 casual dates post-breakup and both we're just a reaffirmation of how tough it is to find someone I can truly be on the same page with. It's so difficult finding another partner that I came be both physically and emotionally attracted to. All I kept thinking was, what is to be with my life? Am I going to remain single for the rest of my life? Or worse, am I going to have to settle? It's one thing to get broken up with someone you loved and you're in your 20's and have so much time, but at the stage, it's so daunting. I just can't help but feel like I wasted 2.5 years for nothing. It's also so difficult going out now, because most of my close friends are all engaged or married.

Anyone else going through this? Any advice??
I'm in my mid 30s. My gf just broke up with me few months back. I am feeling what u are feeling. Single in 30s sucks. Most of my friends are married with kids. That puts more pressure on me. We can't see what the future holds for us. God has His plans for us. U might meet ur future wife next year. Who knows
Heartbrokenguy80 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Broke with with gf, but completely miserable H245 Breaks and Breaking Up 1 2nd January 2014 4:54 PM
Broke up with her and now feel completely lost jbr91 Breaks and Breaking Up 6 27th October 2013 6:53 AM
Just broke up, she cut off communication, completely lost VancouverStoover Breaks and Breaking Up 15 14th November 2010 5:35 PM
was I so blind? his un-love-you confession broke me completely whitewhale Breaks and Breaking Up 3 3rd May 2005 8:39 AM
Broke off 2 year relationship and now I completely regret! HELP! evergreatful Second Chances 4 18th August 2004 9:57 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:54 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.