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Long distance ex broke up with me, Don't know


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Hi everyone,

 

So I'm currently going through my first break-up with my long distance girlfriend and I'm struggling hard, and nothing seems to be getting better for me.

 

The reason my ex broke up with me was down to some issues around lying, from both her and myself. Back when we were dating, she would always tell me things which didn't seem believable, but I chose the believe them, usually around not being about to take current pictures of herself to actually coming to meet her, something just seemed off but I never really questioned her. Then a while later, she had a discussion with me telling me she was losing feelings and she was starting to like someone else, which broke me, but we carried on with the relationship trying to see if it would work, however ever since she told me that she was losing feelings, I started to lose a few feelings myself for her.

 

My ex had a fair few problems, ones that I won't discuss here as they are private but I helped her through a lot, but I never really felt that she treated me with the same affection back, and at one point in our relationship she ignored me for a few days, and I was struggling so I told a couple of my best friends about this which painted a rather bad picture of her to them, which resulted in lots of arguments, and I took my ex's side which was the wrong thing to do and said a lot of things I didn't mean about my best friends which made me lose them for a while, I did this because I was so fixated on my ex and nothing else, neglecting my social life and my friendships.

 

However one night me and my ex watched a film together called Dumb and Dumber, and one scene the two main characters lost the love interest they were following and came across a bus with lots of hot girls which they didn't get on, and I made a comment saying "wow they didnt get on the bus", which my ex took badly and ended up not speaking to me for the rest of the night. A week later I woke up to a long text saying that she doesnt think I'm loyal due to this comments and other comments which I didn't actually say, and she ended it there and then without me getting to explain my point of view.

 

We decided to stay friends as neither of us could let eachother go, and it was a difficult thing to do seen as I wanted to tell her many things that I would say if we were still together, and one night I asked if we could get back together and she said "i cant think about that for at least a few months". Her saying that to me made me realise there isnt much chance of getting with her so I pursued interests elsewhere, and met this other girl in college and started to develop a few feelings for her, and I told my best friend about this, and he said that I should go for it.

 

My ex found out about this and things got really awkward, but I really didn't want to lose her from my life so I, began lying to her, mentioning that I didn't like this girl and nothing is going to happen there, but things got twisted and the other night she found out I was lying the whole time and ended it again there and then. Even though we weren't dating, it felt like that was the moment we broke up from a relationship and now I'm really struggling to come to terms with this.

 

I've been trying various methods but I can't stop thinking about her and this is why I'm come here today, as I really hope you guys can maybe offer some advice, because I really need it.

 

Thanks

 

Josh.

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The only thing you can really do is go no contact and give it time. The more you try to bury the hatchet and contact her, you will just be picking at a scab that can't heal. LDR's are tough as it is, and if you guys are having blow ups over scenes in Dumb and Dumber.......well, that's just not a good sign that you guys are compatible.

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What "various methods" have you tried?

 

NC?

 

I'm trying NC now, it's a bit difficult to do, but I'm giving it a go. I've started to try and find new hobbies, working out is a good one which is helping but I just have these moments where I think about her and get extremely emotional.

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The only thing you can really do is go no contact and give it time. The more you try to bury the hatchet and contact her, you will just be picking at a scab that can't heal. LDR's are tough as it is, and if you guys are having blow ups over scenes in Dumb and Dumber.......well, that's just not a good sign that you guys are compatible.

 

Yeah I agree with you, she blew up quite badly over the movie, I don't even think I did much wrong. Thing is that was like our first kind of argument? I thought we could work it out but I guess not. We had many good moments together and helped eachother through so much, I guess she just took the whole thing badly?

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#1. Never lie to girls about seeing other girls. Unless you just got caught cheating, it usually makes you more attractive. If you're broken up, or not exclusive, then you've done nothing wrong.

 

Some girls, upon hearing this, will get angry, or pout, or storm off. Your character and resolve is being tested when they do that. First, they're showing you some things you want to know about them, like how reasonable they are, how they approach conflict and bad news, and how much drama they bring to a disagreement. How you react will tell the girl pretty much the same thing about you. So just remember that for next time, and think twice about wanting to get involved with a girl who doesn't want to be your girlfriend, but still gets upset if you have other love interests. Those kind of girls are always a big pain in the ass.

 

Now, to your problem. Remember what I just said how your character is being tested, and that your reaction will tell the girl something about you? Like how you approach bad news or conflict? Well, you lied and she found out. Now, you're untrustworthy and weak in her eyes, and she's reacted to that just like you'd expect her to.

 

The only thing you can do now is take your lumps, learn from your mistake, and move on to try again with someone else. What helped me was when I thought about "her", I wrote it down. I struggled with being able to write down the truth about her, because my heart thought she was perfect, but the facts said otherwise. When I forced myself to put those facts on paper, I had to confront my feelings, and question them. Eventually, my heart came around. If you do something similar, your heart will too... but if you just sit around and pine for this girl you've put on a pedestal, she'll never change in your heart. So be very careful about doing that.

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#1. Never lie to girls about seeing other girls. Unless you just got caught cheating, it usually makes you more attractive. If you're broken up, or not exclusive, then you've done nothing wrong.

 

Some girls, upon hearing this, will get angry, or pout, or storm off. Your character and resolve is being tested when they do that. First, they're showing you some things you want to know about them, like how reasonable they are, how they approach conflict and bad news, and how much drama they bring to a disagreement. How you react will tell the girl pretty much the same thing about you. So just remember that for next time, and think twice about wanting to get involved with a girl who doesn't want to be your girlfriend, but still gets upset if you have other love interests. Those kind of girls are always a big pain in the ass.

 

Now, to your problem. Remember what I just said how your character is being tested, and that your reaction will tell the girl something about you? Like how you approach bad news or conflict? Well, you lied and she found out. Now, you're untrustworthy and weak in her eyes, and she's reacted to that just like you'd expect her to.

 

The only thing you can do now is take your lumps, learn from your mistake, and move on to try again with someone else. What helped me was when I thought about "her", I wrote it down. I struggled with being able to write down the truth about her, because my heart thought she was perfect, but the facts said otherwise. When I forced myself to put those facts on paper, I had to confront my feelings, and question them. Eventually, my heart came around. If you do something similar, your heart will too... but if you just sit around and pine for this girl you've put on a pedestal, she'll never change in your heart. So be very careful about doing that.

 

Thank you so much for this reply, this one made me think alot. You're spot on, reading your reply made me realise a few things. I thought I shouldn't have told her but we weren't together, so as you said, I've done nothing wrong there. I was weak and broke the trust, and that hurts knowing I did that, and it's something I'll learn from and not do if I get into another relationship.

 

I'll definitely trying writing down when I think about her, seems like a really good thing to do and it'll help me confront my feelings as you mentioned. Thank you ever so much for this reply, this helped a lot and I'll let you know if what you suggested works!

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OP, a question to clarify the situation: did you ever meet her in person? (Forgive me if I missed this detail somewhere, I'm quite tired tonight!)

 

And in my opinion, she's a bit of a dingbat. I think she was looking for a reason to cut you off and jumped on your benign comment of the movie as her opportunity. It's not the real reason, I suspect. My guess is that she is seeing someone too and needed a reason to distance herself from you, so she manufactured conflict over nothing. And painted herself a jealous whacko in the process.

 

No, you shouldn't have lied to her about seeing someone. But you're not a couple and it's really not her business.

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OP, a question to clarify the situation: did you ever meet her in person? (Forgive me if I missed this detail somewhere, I'm quite tired tonight!)

 

And in my opinion, she's a bit of a dingbat. I think she was looking for a reason to cut you off and jumped on your benign comment of the movie as her opportunity. It's not the real reason, I suspect. My guess is that she is seeing someone too and needed a reason to distance herself from you, so she manufactured conflict over nothing. And painted herself a jealous whacko in the process.

 

No, you shouldn't have lied to her about seeing someone. But you're not a couple and it's really not her business.

 

I didn't meet her in person, no, however her parents immediately disapproved of me, I wrote them a letter and tried speaking to them but they wouldn't let me see her. As for her seeing someone else, I always had doubts of that and even told her my doubts but she reassured me that she wasn't and I was her sole interest.

 

As for seeing someone else, it wasn't really quite like that, I just expressed interest in another girl as the relationship was over, but she took it badly. Thank you for your response though, made me think a fair bit!

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#2. Find somebody local. No more "never laid eyes on you" affairs of the heart. Unless you are a virtual human, it is a waste of your time. Every time.

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I didn't meet her in person, no, however her parents immediately disapproved of me, I wrote them a letter and tried speaking to them but they wouldn't let me see her. As for her seeing someone else, I always had doubts of that and even told her my doubts but she reassured me that she wasn't and I was her sole interest.

 

As for seeing someone else, it wasn't really quite like that, I just expressed interest in another girl as the relationship was over, but she took it badly. Thank you for your response though, made me think a fair bit!

 

I imagine you won't be surprised to hear this, but never get into a "relationship" with someone you have never met in the flesh. How do you know her parents disapproved of you? And what do you mean you tried speaking to them - in what way? (ie. phone, skype, etc) Did you at least see her live on webcam?

 

I ask because I suspect she's cooked up a few stories about why she couldn't meet you. You have no idea who she really is and for some reason, she apparently wanted/needed to keep it that way.

 

You're doing well to date locally. Keep going, you'll find it so much more satisfying.

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I imagine you won't be surprised to hear this, but never get into a "relationship" with someone you have never met in the flesh. How do you know her parents disapproved of you? And what do you mean you tried speaking to them - in what way? (ie. phone, skype, etc) Did you at least see her live on webcam?

 

I ask because I suspect she's cooked up a few stories about why she couldn't meet you. You have no idea who she really is and for some reason, she apparently wanted/needed to keep it that way.

 

You're doing well to date locally. Keep going, you'll find it so much more satisfying.

 

Yeah many people including my family said I shouldn't get into a relationship with someone I haven't met in person but I was in love and disregarded their advice. I wrote them a letter and as they are actually foreign and know little English I got my ex to translate what I was saying. Her parents disapproved because her mother didn't trust anyone from the internet and therefore didn't want her to meet me.

 

I saw her on Webcam once but after that her phone's webcam broke and I never saw her on webcam again. I agree with you, every time there was an opportunity to meet her I couldn't, I even went to an University open day near her town but still there was a reason why I couldn't see her that day.

 

I'm not dating anyone right now, I'm just interested in someone, hopefully there will be some good news soon! Thank you for your response also.

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I read your story with much interest. Having been recently dumped in a LDR as well, I can tell you that this girl doesn't very mature. I know many girls who blow up because they don't like their boyfriends' comments over a stupid movie. Cutting off contact for days further reinforces her immaturity.

 

From what you have said about helping her through bad periods, I can totally understand your devotion. I am guilty of having helped my ex find a house - fortunately didn't invest into it although we were supposed to live there together. I even gave up my job to move to his country to be with him. He broke up literally one month after filing the official paperwork. It came out of the blue for me.

 

Anyway, before I keep ranting about my situation, I want to say that although my ex may have not been very mature about the breakup - he did it over email of all things! - we have had many good moments. As far as I can remember, we have only had two fights, and those were more smaller arguments about when to book a flight. I would advice you not to pursue this person anymore because she sounds immature and flakey. If this continues, she will take advantage of you even more.

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