I moved to central america: Hope is there for both of us but not ing either of us

[ben derisgrate]

Hey everyone. First time writing a thread here, so hope it helps me and you. Background: I'm 29. Was in relationship for 3 years. I was depressed and an alcoholic, low self esteem. She was depressed and addicted to pot, not such low self esteem. We pretty much agreed that it had to end. We'd broken up two times before, alcohol always being what made her take the final step. But we just weren't lifting each other up like two partners should in a relationship. We have a lot in common. We share the same life goals and have very similar outlooks on almost everything. So, this last break up, she said she loved me, held out hope for us, but thought it would take a year for us to grow on our own, work on ourselves. I know that I can't count on everything lining up so that we can get back together in a year. I mean, it's possible, but I know I can't assume it will happen. And in the interest of personal growth, it's better that I don't have certainty that things will just work out. So, 3 months went by, I moved to central america to realize my life goal of living in another country and learning spanish. I've been sober, I've been working on myself and I've stayed no contact. I'd started trying to get used to the idea that it just wasn't going to happen. Then she contacts me saying she's not ready to talk but she wanted me to know she missed me and loved me. I didn't respond. She contacted again two weeks later saying she's still thinking of me and misses me. I responded in a dignified way, saying i loved and missed her too but that i have more work to do and that I'm growing, and that i want her to be part of my long term plan but I can't count on it. She sent a message back saying she was happy, inspired, encouraged, and that she wants me to be a part of her long term plan, too. Here's the issue The hope is keeping me focussed on her. It keeps me worrying about whether it will work out in the end instead of letting it go in peace and being alright with any outcome. I wasn't over it before these back and forths. I may just have to give it more time, but it still haunts me all the time. I've let her know that i need to stay out of contact. I also have the option of just coming home now. I told her that I planned to be here another 5 or 6 months. But I could take a chance and come home earlier and try to be a fuller self with her instead of alone. But really, alone might be the only way to really gain a good base sense of self before risking heartbreak again with her. We love each other now. But if I have this hope and come back after 5 or 6 more months of no contact and find out it was just too long and she's with someone else, i may regret my decisions. Do you think it'd be best to keep minimal contact? Or act as if it's not going to happen and keep trying to act alone, trying to grow? I truly appreciate your feedback.

Edited July 22, 2015 by ben derisgrate

[TaraMaiden2]

When Pandora opened the Box, she released all the evils and ills of the world.

 

Snapping the lid shut, she prevented the escape of one element:

 

Hope.

 

This is supposed to be the uplifting message, the positive slant, the upbeat finale. Woo-hoo, there's something in it for all of us, yet...!

 

That's crap.

 

Note that the tale does not state that "the Box contained All the Evils/Ills of the world, bar one."

 

Hope is just as much an evil/ill of the world as all the ones which got out.

 

It's just as negative, pessimistic and false as all the others. It just wasn't quick enough to jump aboard the Holy sch*tt train.

 

Look at what 'Hope' contains:

 

A big, fat "O".

 

In the place of 'O', put 'Y'.

 

And that's what you get when you pin your Hopes on something unattainable, impossible, unwise, unlikely, inadvisable and frankly, irrational.

 

You play the 'Hype' card.

 

Verb: To 'Hype': to promote or publicize (a product or idea) intensively, often exaggerating its benefits.

 

If you go out and buy a pair of shoes, and they pinch, rub and give you blisters, you take them off, and throw them into the back of the wardrobe.

you think taking them out in 6 months time, they're going to fit any better, be any more comfortable or suddenly, miraculously fit perfectly?

 

Nah.

 

Walk away, maintain NC and move on.

When you hitch your wagon to a no-hope idea, you suddenly realise you ain't got the wheels to make it roll....