Here one minute, gone the next. The rise and fall of my relationship with her.

[notsoweepingwillow]

Hi everyone,

It's my first time posting on this forum and first and foremost I'd like to thank all of you who will take the time to read this. I apologize for it being so long (I mean really long!), but I had to do this for myself. To serve as a reminder of what I once had and hopefully help me realize that it's all but a fleeting memory now. So here goes…

 

My girlfriend of two years (I've known her for over 2.5 years) called it quits with me 10 days ago. It was a very intense relationship filled with a ton of love and admiration from the both of us. We rarely argued, got along great, every moment together was simply put, amazing! I loved her to bits and she did me. Our worlds revolved around one another. It was the most wonderful relationship one could ever dream of.

 

There was however one major roadblock in our relationship (which is what ultimately caused the breakup according to her). She was a Muslim, born in Bangladesh and I'm a Jew who was born in the former soviet union. Her family came to the country when she was 10 and still has very strong ties to their Bengali roots. They may live in the states but the families heart is still back home.

 

I too come from a family and a community which has strong cultural and religious ties. However, we came to the US 22 years ago (I was only 2 years old) so we're a bit more assimilated than they are.

 

The relationship, like so many others first started as a friendship. I was in my last year of college finishing up my CS degree (she too was getting her degree in CS). We had a class together, didn't really interact with one another. Towards the end of the semester she reached out to me for help in the class. We met up a few times, I helped her out, she passed the class (actually IM'd me saying she passed after the semester ended) and that was that. I was busy studying for my GRE's that winter and we didn't speak until the spring semester. She still had my notes and asked me where we could meet so she can return them. We setup a time and place, met up, hung out a bit. It was at that time she peaked my interest. I wanted to get to know her a bit more.

 

Unfortunately it was my last semester in college and she still had another year to go. We didn't have any classes together so it would've been tough.

 

As faith would have it she transferred into one of my classes a week after the semester began. Not only that but our schedules and breaks were very similar after she had made the change. Long story short, we really got to know each other over the course of that semester. She had many struggles going on in her life during that time and I was there for her whenever she needed, We would stay up until 2 AM talking about everything that was going on in her life.

The semester was coming to an end and I was really sad because I has started to develop feelings for her but I didn't know if we'd be able to get close enough for me to explore them further, The last day of the spring semester she fell into my arms crying her eyes out saying how she doesn't know how to thank me for everything I've done for her over the past few months, That was a magical moment. I'm reliving it now as I'm typing. The memory is so vivid I feel as though it's happening all over again.

 

We parted ways but practically spoke every single day that summer, for hours on end. We didn't get to meet much because of other circumstances, but we really got to know a lot about one another.

 

Then the day that changed both of our lives forever came. It was August 7th she wakes up in the morning and was feeling down. I tried cheering her up and playfully said, "of course you're sad, you haven't seen me in over a moth!" She responds by saying "Wanna meet up later today?" Of course I said yes! I was so excited.

 

It was all over as soon as I laid my eyes on her. I kissed her for the first time that day, It was the beginning of our long journey together.

 

After that moment we would meet up a few times a week. She cooked a beautiful meal for me when we met once and I would give her poems and letters about us (she was my first love). I never thought of myself as a romantic, but she brought that side out in me.

 

So now the fall semester begins for her. I didn't have a job yet and was starting my masters but only had night classes a few times a week. I made the decision to be with her as much as possible. I would spend the whole day with her on campus. We would get school work done first and then go out and have some fun. It was the best time of our lives. We spent hours on end together never wanting to part.

 

At the end of that semester I found a job but we still made an effort to meet after work as much as possible. I took days off and worked from home as often as possible just to be with her.

 

Fast forward a few months and she finally graduates college. I attend her graduation and meet her parent for the first time. They weren't too thrilled to see their daughter with a Jewish guy (after that point her parents wanted her to cut ties with me ASAP). That didn't stop us.

 

Again as faith would have it she landed an internship right by where I worked. We spent the summer going to and from work together as well as having lunch with one another daily. Another wonderful summer spent together.

 

It all came crashing down shortly thereafter. Once her internship ended, she struggled finding a job. It really brought her spirits down and during that time we barely spent any time together. We saw each other once or twice a week for a few hours at the most. She would at times come to where I work and we would have lunch together (I really miss that).

 

For the next ten months nothing really progressed in her life and in our relationship. I tried my best to keep her spirits up and help her any way I could. I'm inherently optimistic so I would always tell her things will turn around she just has to keep her head up and keep pushing forward (I could take that same advice right about now).

 

We would talk about getting married and I was really excited about that and starting a family with her but the problem was our families. She knew her parents would disown her if she went off with me. I too would cause irreparable damage to my family, but hey it's my life and the heart wants what the heart wants. I was willing to deal with the consequences, however severe they may have been.

 

At times she would cry uncontrollably not knowing how we will work out. She didn't want to lose each other and our love because of our differences and parents. We knew we both would regret letting go of someone we loved so deeply and purely for the rest of our lives. We kept holding onto each other. I promised I would never let her go.

 

Last month I went on a 10 day trip to Israel. I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it as much as I should have simply because I missed her so much. We spoke the whole time, but I just missed having her in my arms and looking into her beautiful eyes. We spent the whole day together the day I got back. Everything seemed back to normal in my life. Little did I know it wasn't the same for her.

 

A few weeks later we made plans to meet up on a Sunday. As the time approached when we were supposed to meet she started to act cold towards me and said I don't have a good feeling maybe we shouldn't. That really hurt me. All I ever wanted from her in this relationship was to be with her, spend as much time with her as possible. That's all it took to make me happy and she wasn't able to provide that as often as I'd like.

 

I felt something was off. She stayed back with a few friends of her that Sunday and it really got me upset. The following day I was feeling down. She wakes up talks for a few minutes then disappears for a few hours. She comes back and tells me we need to talk about our relationship. I agreed. She then pulled away again and said I need some time don't mind the silence. We didn't speak for a few more hours.

 

I got home from work that day and she reached out to me asking how I was. I asked her what's going on? She tells me something I never thought I would hear (at least not at that point in time). She says "I'm no longer attracted to you, the spark is gone. I love you and always will but I don't feel the same about you." She caught me completely off guard. I DID NOT expect to hear that, of all things. I was in a shock. This is the same person who a few days back was telling me that she's never been with someone so gorgeous (I'm a pretty good looking guy, she was beautiful as well) loving and caring in her life. How she's the luckiest girl in the world. But now just a few days later she's telling me this? Nothing made sense to me.

 

The next day we spoke on and off. I was upset, confused and shocked. Idk what was going on through her mind.

 

That Wednesday things really went south. She was basically saying things that were making no sense to me. She was saying how she's a bad person, she loves me, but we're too different? She was all over the place. I got fed up and said look instead of dealing with this why aren't we together? The reason you're having these doubts is because of you. The separation that’s between us. She was saying how when we're together everything is perfect, but when we part the doubts creep in and the feelings are lost. But it's all her own doing! I would push as much as possible to see her! I would put everything off just to spend time together but she simply backed away some of the time because she was scared of her parents finding out (she was really paranoid about a lot of things in her life). So that distance she spoke of was all her own doing.

 

This distance however was different. I felt something was awry this time around and it wasn't our usual issues. She told me she needed a week break. Needed to feel what life is like without me. I agreed. I would've done anything not to lose her (it's funny though because in my heart I felt that she had already moved on), She's the type that couldn't go a day without hearing from me so seeing how she so easily suggested she needed a week apart, threw up red flags in my mind.

 

A week goes by, didn't sleep or eat much that week. I was going crazy. I has a moment of weakness and reached out to her once on a Saturday because I heard some bad news and immediately started to worry about her. I checked up on her, told her I love her and always will. She said the same, but then ended with something very strange. She said "Promise me that whatever I feel by the end of this that you'll stay strong." After I read that I more or less knew it's over.

 

Exactly a week after we went on the break she reached out to me. I wanted to meet in person to discuss this face to face since we're both adults and this is a very serious relationship but of course she couldn't make it.

 

We made small talk initially. I asked her to go on skype so we can at least see each other when we talk and say what needs to be said to our faces. She was extremely hesitant and said it's too hard because of the things she has to say to me. I forced her because I at least deserved that after putting forth the effort I did to make this relationship work. She reluctantly agreed and with tears in her eyes said it was over between us. We were too different to ever work out and that she's been feeling the disconnect for a year now (I feel like that’s a lie because she's not the type to stick around when she's unhappy. She wears her emotions on her sleeves). I knew her way too well and knew this was a bunch of BS she was feeding me. I told her if what you're saying is true then I've been living a lie over the past year. And who knows maybe I was. Maybe the feelings were one sided. Come to think of it some of her actions do support that notion but the picture when taken as a whole doesn't.

 

I pressed her a bit further and she finally said it…

 

She has developed feelings for another man. A Bengali man who's head over heels for her (Uh.. hello?! I am too!). She said she has so much in common with him and that culture and religion mean a lot to her and that’s something we never shared. Funny because we did everything to learn about each other's culture and religion and it was something we both loved doing! I picked up some Bengali from her and she knew more about Judaism than some of my own relatives.

 

What she said next was kind of ironic and simply proved to me she was just trying to save face. She told me she never cheated on me. I found that to be very ironic. One of the biggest arguments we had during our relationship was when she wanted to admit that I will someday emotionally cheat on her! Meaning I will develop feelings for another woman but still stick with her because it's the right thing to do (this was assuming that we were married). I never said those words because I know I'm simply not capable of doing that. I was willing to let go of everyone in my life just to be with this girl! My heart only has room to love one woman, and at the time it was her! I took such offence to what she thought about me. In the end we both agreed that neither of us was capable of doing such a thing. We also agreed that that's what we would define as cheating in our relationship. When one develops feeling for someone else. All this to say SHE DID IN FACT CHEAT! Based on the parameters we set of course lol (I'll take any small victory I can).

 

It really doesn't matter if she did or didn’t though (besides at this point I don't believe a word that’s coming out of her lying mouth).The only thing that matter is I had lost her. Saying I was devastated is an understatement. The woman I loved and cared for treated me like I was nobody. She found someone else and without hesitation left me. This is why she didn't have a problem with the week break. She was enjoying getting to know the new man in her life without the distraction of the man who truly loved her. She's probably enjoying life as we speak while I'm here feeling miserable. It stings like a SOB.

 

I completely let my guard down during this relationship. I left myself vulnerable. I served her my heart on a platter to her and she took it, threw it to the ground, stamped all over it, dragged it through the harshest environment known to man and gave it back to me.

 

She asked if we could somehow still be in each other's lives because she feels like she would die without me. I told her she won't be hearing from me, however if there is an emergency and she needs something to please reach out to me (I'm still a very caring human and feel regardless of what happens in life we should jump at an opportunity to help another person in need). She also owes me about $2000 for tuition, credit card bills and clothes that I've gotten her over the course of the relationship. I told her if she feels like the right thing to do is to pay me back then she should reach out to me when she has the money (If she ever does I'll actually donate so that at least some good can come out of this).

 

I told her I will always care about her and am her number one fan. I also added that nobody will ever love her the way I have and always will. We said our goodbyes and parted ways.

 

She texted me a few hours later saying how she misses me and how she feels bad that I'm alone in my world now. I wanted to text her back saying the last thing I need is your pity but didn't. She apologized several times more. I was polite through it all and wished her a goodnight. That was the last I heard from her and her from me.

 

I'm on strict No Contact. There are moments of weakness where I just want to see how she's doing because I care for her as a human and as dumb as this sounds, I'll always love her. Like Eid is tomorrow. It's the biggest Muslim holiday of the year (signifies the end of their fasting period during the month of Ramadan), and I was thinking the right thing to do is to text her "Eid Mubarak!". But I won't (at least I hope I won't, I'll come here to vent if I feel the urge lol).

 

You see, we've spent three consecutive Eid's together. I would shower her with gifts, she would cook us a meal and we would have such an amazing time together! She even kissed my feet at the end of the day (that’s a gesture only done during Eid and women only do to their fathers or husbands out of respect). It was basically a symbol of the amount of love we had for each other and how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. And now it's all gone? Just like that?

 

I was emotionally invested in this woman for over two years. I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly sides of her. I know everything there is to know about her. To have it all end so suddenly and abruptly, after saying she loves me to death and will never find love again after me if something were to happen to us? How?

 

Was I so stupid and blinded by love that I couldn't see the truth through all these lies? Were they actual lies? In my heart I don't think they were because I knew her as a friend before a lover and I can say for a fact that what she felt for me was real and vice versa.

 

Now 10 days have gone by. I've spent countless hours reading about coping and recovering on various forums. I tend to deal with my emotions on my own but this is far too much for me to handle without just getting it all out. I can't really talk about this with my family because we were very quiet about our relationship. That's why I came here to tell you guys my story. I feel like I would burst if I wouldn't.

 

I'm a fairly strong individual and know that I will come out an even better and stronger person when this is all said and done. It's just sad how people can so quickly forget what someone means to them. One minute we can't imagine life without one another and then the next we act like we never existed. That my friends is truly sad.

 

If you haven’t noticed in my 10 page soliloquy I am deeply hurt and bothered by this. It has shaken me to my core. I feel like I set myself up for this by opening up to her so much. This has been the most difficult time of my life. It really sucks, but life goes on.

 

I really do wish her the best in life and truly hopes she finds happiness. It's just I wish she handled this differently. Been more forthright about it. You were going to hurt me regardless, why do it in such a cowardly way? Especially when she would always tell me that the one thing she doesn't want to do is inflict any pain on me, protect my heart for any hurt. Yet she's the one who has hurt me the most in my life.

 

If you've read up to this point I'm truly grateful. I thank you for caring this much and putting forth the effort to read my story. I welcome and appreciate any and all comments.

 

I'll end with this quote:

 

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"

 

Thanks again!

-NSWW

[Itspointless]

There was however one major roadblock in our relationship (which is what ultimately caused the breakup according to her). She was a Muslim, born in Bangladesh and I'm a Jew who was born in the former soviet union. […] Fast forward a few months and she finally graduates college. I attend her graduation and meet her parent for the first time. They weren't too thrilled to see their daughter with a Jewish guy (after that point her parents wanted her to cut ties with me ASAP). That didn't stop us. […] She has developed feelings for another man. A Bengali man who's head over heels for her (Uh.. hello?! I am too!). […] Was I so stupid and blinded by love that I couldn't see the truth through all these lies? Were they actual lies? In my heart I don't think they were because I knew her as a friend before a lover and I can say for a fact that what she felt for me was real and vice versa.

Well your post is one of the longer ones I have read here, that is for sure.

 

I do not think that she lied to you, but I do think that the disapproval of her parents has been detrimental for how she felt. When parents do not agree it often is a relationship killer. It could very well be that her new boyfriend is arranged. The approval of her loved ones can unfortunately make it into something she could not have with you.

 

Try to move on, it really is out of your hands, nothing you could have done could have prevented this!

 

Take care buddy, be kind to yourself.

[mightycpa]

If she's already found an interest in another guy, you were doomed anyway. You should send her parents a thank-you note, because they've saved you a lot of time waiting for your heartache.

[notsoweepingwillow]

 

Try to move on, it really is out of your hands, nothing you could have done could have prevented this!

 

Take care buddy, be kind to yourself.

 

I'm definitely on the road to recovery. It's a long and fairly lonely road but one that's well traveled by many of us here.

 

What's frustrating is that we went everywhere together. Now whereever I go, I look around to see if maybe, just maybe she's there.

 

Forgetting someone that you're so close to is one of the hardest things to do.

[Gus Grimly]

.... we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. And now it's all gone? Just like that?

 

One minute you have all these plans, hopes and aspirations for a bright future together ..... the next, *Poof* gone, lost like a forgotten dream. It's mind boggling how a person can be so devoted to someone, for so long and in the blink of an eye vanish into another's arms.

 

I'm still trying to come to terms of my breakup so I can appreciate the predicament that you're in, TRUST ME. My life has been flipped upside down. Nothing makes sense anymore. The grief can be unbearable, but we must carry on.

 

You mustn't lay the blame upon yourself. There were too many forces working against your relationship. Family approval can go a long way into a successful relationship. The last thing anyone needs is their GFs/BFs family resenting them because they're with you. That's a tough burden to live with.

 

Believe me, I know the loss you feel. I'm dealing with the same loss myself. But we must move on. Lingering here, hoping things will go back to how they were is not an option. Nothing can be done to change their mind. We can only change ourselves.

 

Take care of yourself. Keep us updated on your progress.

Edited July 17, 2015 by Gus Grimly

[BriNyc82]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. You brought tears to my eyes. Funny coincidence but I actually listened to that motivational speech earlier today (your quote) and had sent it out to friends. I hadn't listened to it in months. It was my exes favorite motivational YouTube video. In any event I'm sorry. You can't blame yourself. Like Gus said there was so much working against you. Hang in there. Take all the time you need to vent, cry, get angry, confused. Whatever you need to feel just feel it.

[notsoweepingwillow]

Thank you guys for the support and kind words. Really means a lot to me.

[Seeker12]

Hey notsoweepingwillow, coming from the IndoPak region im telling you two people of the same ethnicity who want to get married to eachother have enough trouble doing it, which leads to a helluva lot of familial problems. Mothers tend to get involved and if they do not like the daughters husband, unfortunately can and have caused divorces 2/3/5 years into the marriage, if not theres just complete seperation from the daughter, treating her as an outcast.

 

So with your ethnicity and religion, unfortunately, mixed with the backwards mindset that parents have, it was most likely probably not going to happen. Islamically it would have been valid only if you were to become muslim, invalid if you remained a jew, im not sure about the feet kissing, iv never come across that all the time iv looked to Islam as im sure muslims are supposed to only bow to their Lord, but unfortunately these people/parents also like holding onto culture more than religion. Its a truly unfortunate situation/scenario, im just surprised why the girl, knowing as much as she did, led you on. Point blank she shouldnt have, and should have shut you down pretty early on knowing it wont happen.

 

She made all the classic signs of being interested in someone who she can make a life with, and ontop of that said all the things to you about being strong and being happy that demonstrates shes moved on and the typical i love you but not in love with you statement. Its a bummer and it happens, she will feel guilty and will miss you, but in pretty quick time because of the new guy and their common interests etc she will move on alot faster than you, and than any contact you do make well, will just seem as you not have moved on. Its best you start your recovery now, i was in a RS with a girl for 7 years, same ethnicity. Her parents ultimately said no to marriage between us, after a month of the break up she had moved on, than reached out to me to relieve her guilt. Check out my relapse post, 7 months later, im still being affected, i say start now and dont delay.

Edited July 18, 2015 by Seeker12

[fireflywy]

I'm sorry to hear your story. The one thing I can say is that when she said she was worried about YOU finding someone else in your relationship she was doing, in what is known in Jungian circles from reading, projecting her own shadow.

 

This is going to be tough no doubt about it but you have to realize that its out of your control.

 

I firmly believe, that a strong love can work through the barrier. I hope you find it.

 

Graves of a Catholic woman and her Protestant husband | Unusual Places

[Itspointless]

I'm definitely on the road to recovery. It's a long and fairly lonely road but one that's well traveled by many of us here.

 

What's frustrating is that we went everywhere together. Now whereever I go, I look around to see if maybe, just maybe she's there.

 

Forgetting someone that you're so close to is one of the hardest things to do.

Yes, it is a pain in the ass to do and for some of us it takes a long time to get there. But you will reach a moment - perhaps years from now and with a lot of tears in-between - where you can look back with a smile and be happy with the memories.

 

Keep posting here, you will find people who listen to you.

[notsoweepingwillow]

Hey guys, today has probably been the hardest day since the breakup for me. I had to drive by where she lives to get to the home depot and a rush of emotions and memories came over me.

 

It's been four hours and I've been really busy (doing some home improvement to keep myself occupied), but I still feel so down. My heart is thumbing through my chest, throat is clogged and I'm shaking. It feels like I'm having an anxiety attack.

 

I just can't believe she just vanished from my life so quickly. I miss her so much. I'm physically hurting. I can't even think about getting through another week of work without see or hearing from her. This is insanity!

 

How has she not contacted me? Just to check in? Wouldn't that be common courtesy? She even begged me to stay friends when she told me its over. I said I can't because I love her too much to just settle for a friend. It wouldn't work. And yet she makes no effort to reach out?!

 

I'm so worried about her. I want to reach out but I know if I do I'll be setting myself up for more hurt.

 

I wanted to go to the gym but I feel so weak that I feel like I'll just collapse. I have no motivation to do anything. This is so unlike me. I'm generally a busy body. This is driving me crazy. I don't know to do!? How will I ever get over her and past this? My life revolved around her and now that she's gone I feel so lost and hopeless.

[Itspointless]

I think at this moment you should try to cry. Do not hold it up. And treat yourself with something, even if you do not feel like it and like it at the moment.

[notsoweepingwillow]

I'm just so confused! How can someone who loved and cared for you so much just forget about everything we had and move on so easily? Doesn't she feel guilty and ashamed about the way she treated someone she once loved? Does love fade that quickly?

 

Personally I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ended relationship the way she did. I just don't have it in me to hurt the ones I love. Not to mention the fact that everything was going so well. This was totally unexpected. I feel like somebody just ripped the life right out of me.

 

I gave her everything she could've hoped and dreamed for. She would always tell me how life was a fairytale with me, how I'm just perfect. I would always correct her and say "I'm not perfect, we're perfect for each other". We truly complemented each other beautifully. Drew the best out of one another. My weaknesses were her streanghts and her weaknesses were my strengths.

 

I would do anything to hold her in my arms again. I miss her so much.

[Gus Grimly]

Does love fade that quickly?

 

Real love doesn't, no. But I don't think neither you or I will ever know the true reason as to why our Ex ended things so thoughtlessly. It's the worst thing in the world when someone you love just tosses you aside like a piece of trash. But in the end, does it really matter why? If they broke our hearts lovingly or with hate the result is the same. It's over, the relationship is over. The only difference is that one might give you more comfort over the other. "Well, at least she still loves me", as she spends her time with another man.

 

It IS confusing. It's downright incomprehensible. I was going through the same thing as you. I've been in such pain the last two weeks, being tortured night and day. I'm exhausted from pining over someone who I assure you isn't losing any sleep at night over me.

 

I believe you need to reevaluate your relationship with your Ex. You see it as being this "perfect" union, but obviously there were problems that slipped passed you unnoticed. She was not as happy as she led you to believe. This happens a lot in relationships. That's why honesty is really important. Then again, who really knows anything? Just try to move on and start fresh. There's so much more life ahead of you, stop focusing on her and focus on you.

[nouedis]

If it's like that then you shouldn't be with her.