The feeling of life being unfair. Angry.

[justsounsure]

I am here today because of my current break up that is extremely sad, just due to two people who love each other but can't make it work.

 

1.5 years ago, I was here under a different name for an entirely different reason. I was engaged to a woman I had been with for 2 years, a woman I had endured so much with for 2 years, who left me like a thief in the night one night 1.5 years ago, never to be seen again.

 

Except, I did see her again. I ran into her in the most unexpected of bars one night about 3 months later. And, I said hi, because that's just who I am. And she had a new, visible tattoo. It was an arrow. She said it symbolized "courage". That sparked some anger in me and I did make a passive aggressive comment to the tune of "oh yes, in regards to the courage it took to just leave the way that you did?", or something to that effect.

 

Anyway, a mutual friends of ours passed away last week, and so social media is a-buzzing right now. That ex of mine went on to meet someone a few months later, and they have been together a year now, and my ex seems to be able to have given her new partner everything she just couldn't give to me (even though, by her own accounts, I was the best partner ever and she was so sorry).

 

Anyway, another mutual friend posted a picture of an arrow, with a quote saying something about how the arrow is a great symbol, because it can only be shot when pulled back, and when life is dragging you down with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great, so just keep aiming.

 

And my ex put a huge heart as a comment and a thumbs up (I never blocked her but rather just unfriended - I never see much of her stuff unless I go looking).

 

I guess I am just irritated. My previous ex treated me horribly and took major advantage of my love and kindness throughout our 2 years together. I stood by her during a depressive episode in the hospital, numerous things. She begged for me to propose to her, and so I planned it for months and surprised her on a tropical vacation ... and she left me without a word 2 weeks later. Well, she did leave a note. About how she cannot find the words to explain why she is doing this, and that she will always love me. And that was it. 6 months later she got into a new relationship, and it is thriving. The new partner has even become part of the family and circle of friends that I used to be, but no longer am a part of due to the breakup. My spot has been taken there.

 

And I am here, on Loveshack, because the girl that I found 6 months later, decided that it was more important to move across the country to be with her perfectly able-bodied parents, than to be with me. (Well, that's not completely true ... she would be with me. I just have to quit my job and move away to be with her and her parents if I want to keep us together). And this one "will always love" me as well.

 

Truly amazing. I'm trying to find the meaning, I'm trying to grow from it all, but right now I am just really angry. Thanks for listening.

Edited June 19, 2015 by justsounsure

[GoBlue]

I am not even sure how to answer whatever your question is. You wrote eight mini-paragraphs and seven of them were about your previous girlfriend before finally even mentioning the one who just left. Truly sounds like you are more concerned about your ex than you are about the girl who just moved. Maybe she sensed that too and realized that you weren't really "all-in" for this relationship.

Edited June 19, 2015 by GoBlue

[mightycpa]

I have some advice for you.

 

Love and kindness is a gift, it is not a token that you plunk down so the same is returned to you in kind.

 

Maybe you WERE the best partner she ever had, and now you're the second best partner she ever had. You have no way to know. It isn't a reflection on you, it's simply about the right fit. So don't begrudge that she views your relationship with some disdain. Who cares?

 

"I'll always love you..." Bull**** they say to make themselves feel better. Next time you hear that, ask if you can borrow $10,000. You'll see if they really love you. I can't believe you took that to heart.

 

The meaning in all of this is that not everybody is going to work out. You'd do a lot better to put yourself into multiple relationships, because it will help you learn how to give without expecting anything in return, and your heart won't attach so quickly so often.

[Satu]

We shouldn't measure ourselves by what we receive, but rather by what we give.

 

If she has found someone she's happy with, thats a good thing.

 

You can do the same.

[justsounsure]

I am not even sure how to answer whatever your question is. You wrote eight mini-paragraphs and seven of them were about your previous girlfriend before finally even mentioning the one who just left. Truly sounds like you are more concerned about your ex than you are about the girl who just moved. Maybe she sensed that too and realized that you weren't really "all-in" for this relationship.

 

I'd like to respectfully, completely disagree.

 

I am extremely concerned about my current ex, and extremely sad about it. The sadness has brought back all thoughts of sadness to the forefront of my mind. The reason the prior ex even had a thought to her recently, was because a mutual friend of ours passed away. So, due to that, there was a bit of social media mixing going on, with old friends, and paying respects. For instance, there was a GoFundMe account for expenses, and both myself and my old ex left donations. It was just a very strange thing to see my name on my own, and her name with her new partner listed on the donation page. It's just weird timing.

 

And my current situation is bringing up all the anguish and anger that I have felt anytime during the past 10 years. I think it's relatively normal when going through a break up, to go back and analyze all prior failed relationships as well, as the depression cause one to beat ones' self up every now and again.

 

I didn't really have a question. It was more of a venting post.

[justsounsure]

You'd do a lot better to put yourself into multiple relationships, because it will help you learn how to give without expecting anything in return, and your heart won't attach so quickly so often.

 

You are suggesting I become polyamorous? Lol.

[Jessamine]

I've been going through the same thing. I probably wouldn't be taking this recent breakup so hard if the last two hadn't been so awful, and this one so fantastic. I spent a lot of time alone and healing and learning how not to attract someone who would have no respect for me, and was so happy to have finally found a wonderful, mutually respectful relationship. Only to be told, sorry, I don't think we can be compatible. I'm tired of always giving, and tired of seeing people who are terrible for each other fight so hard to make relationships work. No one has ever put that sort of effort in for me, even as misguided as it tends to be. I've learned over the past couple months that many of my good friendships were also based on me giving, always...when I need emotional support, no one is here.

[pie2]

Life is unfair. We're given many more blessings than we actually deserve.

 

Hope you can find peace and gratitude in what you have, and take your focus off what seems to be missing or lost.

[Akashsingh]

I have a feeling, perhaps, that women don't find you approachable. They dont feel they can open their heart , and speak their mind to you in a fearless manner without fear of retaliation. Your sarcastic comment to your ex in the bar represents retaliation to me. This type of incident might have been happening far too often in the relationship. They dont want to deal with it. I would say, open your heart, and be a little vulnerable to women, like a helpless puppy. They love that.

[minimariah]

the next time you see your "courageous" X -- don't give her anything more than a simple hello.

 

folks who break up without even giving you a face - to - face conversation really don't deserve to even be acknowledged. also, don't be iritated with her tattoo -- laugh instead. because it's hilarious that someone who takes off without a simple break - up confrontation gets off on courage so much. maybe she thinks she'll magically become courageous through the tattoo?

 

anyway, i think it's okay to be annoyed. it's temporary and you'll heal. and don't give up on love just because you had a few fails. love should be easy and effortless... once you really find that, you'll see that all of that prior pain was worth waiting that special one. and if your partner isn't giving you everything and more in those first few months...? leave. don't put up with it and work on it hoping it will be better. it is important to set up strong boundaries and know when to leave, when the relationship takes more work than actual happiness.

Edited June 20, 2015 by minimariah

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I was waiting for you to say something that would cue me to pounce on disproportion and a sense of entitlement and...it never happened. You seem like a together person who's been dealt a couple of sh;t sandwiches.

 

I identify. Without going into details, 2014 was probably the worst year of my entire life. I've never been an angry person. All of a sudden, I had to deal with recurring waves of anger. Often I lapse into hate-filled dialogues with this person who extracted themselves from my life in the most hurtful and damaging way.

 

I've modified my life to cope with the pain. About a year and two months have passed since last seeing or speaking to her.

 

Life is unfair. There are no guarantees. Things we desire and feel we deserve are snatched from us and awful burdens are handed us in their place. Ultimately, I believe we have to allow such things to inform our perspective, to deepen and enrich our understanding of life. Everything around us is growing and changing. If you stop to consider that every single organism around you is changing constantly in microscopic ways, what can you deservedly latch on to? You must accept everything as it is. When you accept everything as it is, conflict decreases.

 

You and I have to let go. Let go of attachments. Anger will be. Anger will come when we least want it. Accept it and then let go. Make a mantra for yourself when it happens.

 

I accept you. I do not deny you. I'm listening to you. Now, goodbye again...

 

Let the mantra be enough. Repeat it if need be. The anger doesn't want a real visit. It is selfish. It just wants you to say "hi" to it. Give it that. Give it that until it becomes bored with you.

[justsounsure]

OP, I was waiting for you to say something that would cue me to pounce on disproportion and a sense of entitlement and...it never happened. You seem like a together person who's been dealt a couple of sh;t sandwiches.

 

I identify. Without going into details, 2014 was probably the worst year of my entire life. I've never been an angry person. All of a sudden, I had to deal with recurring waves of anger. Often I lapse into hate-filled dialogues with this person who extracted themselves from my life in the most hurtful and damaging way.

 

I've modified my life to cope with the pain. About a year and two months have passed since last seeing or speaking to her.

 

Life is unfair. There are no guarantees. Things we desire and feel we deserve are snatched from us and awful burdens are handed us in their place. Ultimately, I believe we have to allow such things to inform our perspective, to deepen and enrich our understanding of life. Everything around us is growing and changing. If you stop to consider that every single organism around you is changing constantly in microscopic ways, what can you deservedly latch on to? You must accept everything as it is. When you accept everything as it is, conflict decreases.

 

You and I have to let go. Let go of attachments. Anger will be. Anger will come when we least want it. Accept it and then let go. Make a mantra for yourself when it happens.

 

I accept you. I do not deny you. I'm listening to you. Now, goodbye again...

 

Let the mantra be enough. Repeat it if need be. The anger doesn't want a real visit. It is selfish. It just wants you to say "hi" to it. Give it that. Give it that until it becomes bored with you.

 

Thank you so much for this. I completely agree, and do try to live by this type of philosophy every time I am unexpectedly served another sh;t sandwich that looked so f***ing delicious on the menu.

 

I know that pain, sadness, anger ... demand to be felt. For some reason for me, I seem to be uncomfortable with anger. I have cried a lot in my life and am not afraid of pain and sadness (as much as I hate it), but anger for some reason chimes this little alarm in me that says, "wrong to feel this way". I'm not sure why. Perhaps I associate anger negatively. Like someone who is sad, they are a golden retriever. And someone who is angry - well they are a salivating, barking killer pit with rabies. That's how it feels to me, if that makes any sense, so I guess I tend to want to flee from feeling it, because I certainly don't want it to take over. I hope I am making any sense.

 

But I do know that I have to feel it. It's probably the same issue with people that don't want to feel sadness, and try to run away from it. I don't understand those people, and I think that they are doing themselves an injustice not allowing themselves to go through the pain. Perhaps I need to realize that I may be one of those people, just when it comes to anger, and I need to let myself know that it is okay that it is present. I will feel it, and let it pass. I won't act on it, but rather just feel it, write it out in a journal, come here, etc.

 

Oh, also, I feel when I come here with anger, people ARE ready to look for cues to pounce. I expected it! Another reason why this is my least favorite emotion!

Edited June 20, 2015 by justsounsure

[OneBigIdgit]

This ex just packed up and moved across country? Sounds like she got homesick. Happens all the time. How long were the 2 of you in a serious relationship?

[justsounsure]

Almost a year. There is no doubt she is homesick. I definitely know that she is, but she turned homesickness into "i need to move and spend the rest of my life with my family of origin ... i hope you will eventually come with me", and it happened in the course of less than 2 months. It just sucks.

[SycamoreCircle]

I think you're correct in noting a difference in sadness and anger. Sadness has much more passive, receptive requirements. And you can go about your day feeling sadness without disrupting other people's lives.

 

Anger is active, aggressive and difficult to keep internalized.

 

Do you follow any exercise regimen? I lift weights. Sometimes, I try to channel that anger into the intensity of my workouts. I give it a creative spin. Beforehand, I read up on Bodybuilding.com fresh workout routines for myself. It provides a creative thrust to my effort. Then when I go in, I get angry with the weights. I lift heavier, I go longer, I fight harder.

 

That's just an example.

 

Try to convert that anger into fuel that will serve you. Maybe it's running, swimming laps, doing sit ups, cycling, chopping wood.