6 weeks of silence since breakup!

[treehugger93]

Oki sorry it's long, didn't know how much info was necessary Thanks in advance...

 

The man I love and who was the first person I ever connected with on a deep level broke up with me 8 weeks ago. An upcoming work move meant we would have had to move in together and he didn't feel ready to take things to the next level (even though I did) and among other things said we need to find happiness in ourselves before in other people.

 

He seemed unsure and greatly saddened by his decision when he came over to break it off, unusual for him as he is usually fairly detached. He said he's never been as close to anyone as with me and kinda seemed annoyed at himself.

 

We were together for a year, our relationship founded on mutual respect, friendship, similar values etc. The first few months were amazing, the rest not so much. Looking back I think the infatuation period wore off for him and he started being more his detached self, not putting much effort in, no more dates, compliments, plans for the future, anything to bring us closer together etc but while still loving me. It was frustrating because all I could think of was how amazing our connection used to be, but I loved him enough to adjust to the dynamic.

 

A couple weeks after the breakup I moved interstate to be with family due to being in a dead end job-wise. He texted wishing me luck, I responded in a similar manner. A couple nights later I caved and texted him saying I missed him a lot and that I didn't know why this had happened to us. He replied saying he didn't know either and that he was sorry but didn't know what to say. I didn't reply.

 

It has now been 6 weeks since that conversation, during which neither of us has contacted the other. I miss him a huge amount but have sensed it would be a bad idea to attempt to contact him before I am healed, although if he contacted me I would reply.

 

I'm a believer in 'what is meant to be will be' but our initial connection was so strong that I'm really struggling to fully let go.

 

Should I try to contact him?

 

Is it possible that since this is the only relationship I've been in so far I think he's "The One" based on the amazing connection we had in the first few months, but in reality every relationship is like that at the start and what we had was nothing special?

 

(Also... he broke up with me a couple of months prior to this for the same reasons but the same night changed his mind asked me back and wanted to plan moving in together. If he changes his mind once maybe it will happen twice? Although going in the same vein if he dumps me twice maybe he'll dump me three times LOL)

 

Really over thinking about this. Please advise!

[d0nnivain]

My first concern is that you say this was your 1st relationship & you were ready to move in with him. Why? Granted my 1st relationships were in HS & college but I was not emotionally prepared to play house when I was that young.

 

 

You also say that "an upcoming work move meant you had to live together." That doesn't make sense. Why couldn't you continue long distance or even at a more inconvenient geography? There was no one holding a gun to your heads.

 

 

At this point since you have broken up because he did not want to live together why do you want to get back together with a man who loves you less than you claim to love him? You two are not at the same level of commitment, so what is the point of continuing? How long would you be willing to wait for him to catch up?

 

 

What happened, happen. Leave it be. If by some chance you end up independently living near him again, you can reach out at that point to see if geography was the only thing keeping you apart.

[DexterLS]

First of all, you are coping with this pretty well for your first breakup. Good job on the No Contact.

 

True, every relationship has a "honeymoon" phase and this goes away in some time. So don't look too much into this either.

 

I believe you should still stick by No Contact and let him contact you when he is ready. If he never gets in touch, well, it was never meant to be.

[Pastmen]

So, he is a guy who connected great with you in the first few months. In those months he was probably not himself but just tried to be a better version of himself so that you would like him. Once he got more comfortable in the relationship he figured that that wasn't necessary anymore and he became himself again. You should've showed some signs that you didn't like him being so laid back and not really caring about the relationship because now he probably has just found out that it was too 'easy' for him. He thinks you're just someone to get back to at anytime when he wants and he has to make no effort for it.

 

You said you were frustrated about him going back to normal and you should think about that period that you were together, was he really that perfect? Do you think no one is really better than he is? I don't think so... There are a lot of guys that want to do everything for you and really love you with all their hart while he just didn't think he had to do any effort to keep the relationship going again.

 

I think he will realize someday what he's lost now but you shouldn't wait for that. Go find a man that really loves you and who wants to make effort to make the relationship work, and not for only a few months but for the rest of your life. Good luck.

[spiritofjosh]

Right now I'm going through the same, same time broken up, etc only I'm on the other end. My ex is 22 and I was her first boyfriend and first love but she ended it with me. So I guess in similar scenarios it's best to wait until he contacts you being as he ended it.

 

What others have said, congrats on keeping up NC but you just need to keep up with it and eventually he more than likely will contact you. I've actually read a lot that most guys who end the relationship end up being the ones who come back more than the women that do. But that's just what I've read.

[treehugger93]

Thankyou so much to everyone who has replied so far! I really appreciate it, it's been a lonely couple of months so it's amazing to hear some advice and support.

 

As for NC: I really want hear from him but I don't think I will be making the first move, purely out of stubbornness and pride lol!

 

In response to d0nnivain: Thankyou for taking the time to read and comment! I don't know if you actually expected an answer but here anyway: I never imagined myself wanting to settle down at 21 either but that was how comfortable I felt around him.

Also we had already lived together midway through our relationship when he stayed at mine for a couple months when he was finding a new place, and it was smooth sailing the whole time. Big difference between a couple months and an indefinite period of time I know but it's something

We didn't have to move in together, but it was either that or hardly see each other for a year and I knew which one I preferred.

Edited June 8, 2015 by treehugger93
thought it was an individual reply

[d0nnivain]

We didn't have to move in together, but it was either that or hardly see each other for a year and I knew which one I preferred.

 

 

In that case, if one or both of you didn't think your relationship was strong enough to survive a great deal of time apart, it probably wasn't & breaking up cleanly was your best option.

 

 

You will get through this. Hang in there.

[treehugger93]

Sorry being a pest, I know I posted just a few days ago but I think I need some more advice/opinions/hard truths etc anything hit me!

 

Btw. Do I just overthink everything or is it REALLY freaking hard to condense a relationship into something shorter than a novel?!

 

I've done a lot of time thinking these past weeks and I think I'm seeing it more clearly:

 

 

 

It was my first relationship, (21f), I was wary of dating him (24) in the first place because he seemed like a player but I liked him as a person and he said he's never been as close to anyone as me, he won me over with words and cute gestures and presents, basically making an effort and being someone he wasn't, we were incredibly happy for about 4 months, even holidayed interstate living out of a van and then happily lived together in my place (temporarily)

 

Then I guess the infatuation period wore off for him and he stopped making an effort and started being his usual work-focused detached self, I didn't really know about the honeymoon period thing and kept hoping he'd magically go back to being that amazing person, this was about 6 months of frustration and stagnation, even though I was confused and a bit depressed by the changed dynamic I stayed because I loved him as a person and I knew he still loved me even if he didn't show it as much

 

Finally he had to move for work and realized that he wasn't sure what he wanted, he broke up with me, he was very apologetic and sad, I kept it cool and was basically like "I don't want to be with you if you don't want to be with me" while pulling every muscle in my face trying not to cry, same night he texted "I'm so sorry I was just scared, I'd regret never seeing you again way more than trying to take things further", we made a plan, he'd be one week away then one week living with me, then about 2 months later he dumped me again, still seemed sad and unsure though

 

He couldn't give me a proper reason for the change in his feelings but among other things said "It's not my job to make people happy" lol what? I had been a bit down lately due to being out of work but that comment shocked me, I moved interstate to be with my family for a bit but I plan to go back sometime soon because I miss the warmer climate, my friends, the beach etc.

 

 

 

It's been about 8 weeks since breakup and 6 weeks since we last spoke, which was when I texted saying I missed him a lot and that I didn't understand where we went wrong, he replied saying he didn't know either and that he's sorry but doesn't know what to say. Silence since then.

 

I've used this time productively, learnt from the relationship, rediscovered my self-worth, reconnected with friends and family, realized that whatever happens I will end up as a happy yoga mom with a kick-ass husband and adorable kids. I've taken him off that pedestal he magically climbed up onto in my mind and would only want to try again with him if we had both emotionally matured and were completely on the same page.

 

It just feels so freaking weird not having spoken this whole time!!! Logic tells me to just keep working on myself and if he contacts me cool if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be... but then emotions get in the way

 

First time he dumped me he said "And when you're ready, if you want, talk to me" so maybe he's never going to make first contact out of consideration, of not wanting to disrupt my healing process?

 

Confused. I just want him to contact me, or for me to stop wanting him to contact me. Any thoughts? Anyone going through anything similar?

[Yummm]

We are all going through the same thing girl.

 

I'm 22M and my 'first love' broke up with me 5 weeks ago today. It hurts alot and i'm still finding it hard to take her off her pedestal but it needs to be done.

 

You must try to let go, you are only hurting yourself by yearning for him to contact you.

 

I was 3 weeks NC and healing pretty well, I caved in and checked her on Facebook and got hurt, it set me back.

 

Finally deleted & blocked her on FB and removed her from my phone, hurts like $hit but it will eventually aid my healing.

 

I am in exactly the same boat so I can't really give you advice, but what I can tell you is what I keep saying to myself everyday - Our ex's really aren't the perfect people we fell in love with. They were able to make the decision that their life will go on without us, aswell as the fact that they are comfortable with us finding other lovers to fill their place.

 

Stay strong with NC, you'll have good and bad days, up and down... ride the wave and power through the day!

[treehugger93]

Thanks yummm, it's good to hear I'm not alone although I wouldn't wish all the feels of those first two weeks after the breakup on anyone!!!

 

I know that if we never see each other again I'll be just fine. I have removed him from all social media but it's so annoying and illogical that I keep wanting him to call lol! I don't understand these feelings

 

I read a pretty cool quote the other day: "What is meant to be will find its way back to you, all we can do is trust our journey"

So if something doesn't find its way back to you then you're better off anyways

[AJH1982]

Overthinking and every other feeling that you are going true is normal! I have been there, wanting to contact my ex and her to contact me, but is not going to help your recovery. He left you, do not chase or contact him! I know this are only words, but i am feeling better and you will too. You are very young and one thing i know for shore is that if he left he doesnt deserve you or your love!

[treehugger93]

Thanks AJH1982, unfortunately overanalysing is one of the things I am best at :/

I know the things you guys are saying are true, our relationship was broken anyway why the hell would I want to be back in it, but it's just driving me crazy not knowing if maybe I meant nothing to him after all!

[mightycpa]

6 weeks of silence since breakup

I know it seems like a long time, but it really isn't. It's just 6 weeks out of your life. Your new life, if you will.

 

The fact is that silence is very normal when it's over. Every day you hear nothing from him is just more evidence that it's over, and it's something you have to get used to. Chances are you'll never hear from him again. But if you do, don't respond unless you honestly don't give a damn, and even then, think twice about responding. Nothing good will come of it.

[treehugger93]

Thanks mightycpa

 

I think I've made progress, I've taken him off that stupid pedestal, I no longer believe that my world ended because of him lol and I have seen the relationship for what it really was. I would be open to reconciliation but only if we had both grown up a fair bit.

Maybe it's just my crushed ego wanting him to text me, or maybe I really miss him as a friend, or maybe I want to see if he's realised his mistakes so we can try again, as I have realised mine.

 

I keep alternating between being resolutely like "nup screw ya I aint texting first" and then wanting to text him so we can be friends?! What even

[treehugger93]

I know it seems like a long time, but it really isn't. It's just 6 weeks out of your life. Your new life, if you will.

 

The fact is that silence is very normal when it's over. Every day you hear nothing from him is just more evidence that it's over, and it's something you have to get used to. Chances are you'll never hear from him again. But if you do, don't respond unless you honestly don't give a damn, and even then, think twice about responding. Nothing good will come of it.

 

Do people only get a notification for your reply if you quote them?