Novice Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 We met earlier last summer, our relationship slowly grew from innocent friendship to friends who would spend 10 hours a day together until 2am at night doing anything from exploring different areas of the city to finding what pizza place is open the latest. We started dating some time before Christmas, and became virtually inseparable. Soon enough we began seeing parts of each other which we had to accomodate; things like our sometimes different way of thinking, issues with raising kids (it's important for her that they're raised Catholic, whereas I'm very atheistic in my views), she has many guy friends which I never became comfortable with (or comfortable with how often she'd be texting/calling/hanging out with them), and other minor things like our past relationships and sexual encounters (she hasn't been in as many relationships as I have but she's had many flings while touring other countries). I kept thinking I have to grow up and accommodate these differences and that my love for her will overcome those thoughts of jealousy and differences in opinion. Until two weeks ago... I learned from her that she had gone to the park with one of her guy-bestfriends and that they went out for dinner afterwards, I was extremely angry, and we had a talk in which it was mostly me yelling. She cried and simply expressed that she has many guy friends and if that were to be an issue then she doesn't see how we can grow together. I broke it off there. I received an email from her saying she loves me and wishes we could've resolved our disagreement without me abandoning our relationship. I responded with a polite yet angry email explaining all the reasons I couldn't stay in that relationship, and that was the end of it. I'm stuck in a rut where I can't decide what to do. I miss her terribly, and everything reminds me of her, even down to people's laughs. At the moment I broke it up it felt like it was 100% the right thing to do, but this whole past week all I can think about is going to her place to take her out to dinner and being the way we used to be all this time. I keep asking myself if I had made the right decision or if I threw away someone who truly cares for me. I've been with girls before her but she's the first one I ever connected with so deeply. I spent all day today staring at my phone contemplating whether or not I should text/call her. Why can't I make up my mind?? Why can't I move on?? I desperately need advice because I'm slowly fallling into this depression spiral that I honestly feel paralysed under. I can't spend another day of staring at my phone.
Poppyolive Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 No. 1 please don't ever dump.someone in the heat of the moment and in anger. The relationship deserved more respect than that. I think you need to stick with your decision and let her move on. Waving the dumping card and coming back never bodes well. You two seem on different pages, she will still have male friends and you will always have that issue. I think you should seek some guidance as to why Your partner having male friends makes you angry. If you go back now, those issues still remain. 1
Author Novice Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 No. 1 please don't ever dump.someone in the heat of the moment and in anger. The relationship deserved more respect than that. I think you need to stick with your decision and let her move on. Waving the dumping card and coming back never bodes well. You two seem on different pages, she will still have male friends and you will always have that issue. I think you should seek some guidance as to why Your partner having male friends makes you angry. If you go back now, those issues still remain. But those feelings I feel that I've grown past in the wake of missing her.
aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I have to point out that I'm not sure she'd want to go back out to an angry guy who yells at her when he's mad or upset about something. That's very disrespectful and certainly would be a concern to her. If the relationship is so deep and gratifying, why are you treating someone you love like that? I'm not trying to be a dick, only point out that many women would tell you to F-off the first time you raised your voice at them cause YOU were angry. I think you should not contact her again. Clearly you have many insecurities about her platonic relationships with other male friends. You also seem to be polar opposites in religion and other serious matters. 1
Poppyolive Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 But those feelings I feel that I've grown past in the wake of missing her. Deep down, I think not. Aftermath of a breakup is a very vulnerable time. You'd do anything, say anything, pretend anything just to go back. I doubt your feelings about her having friendships with men have completely disappeared. 1
FistOfTheNorthStar Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 It wouldn't have worked out from what I see here. Even though you say you feel it changes now, it will arise again. Trust me. You guys were polar opposites from what I've read. Yes opposites attract but only for so long. It's true though because you were angry doesn't justify you yelling at someone and breaking up. A simple explanation that it made you uncomfortable and such would have been the better approach. 1
Author Novice Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 I thank you all for the replies so far, the more frank they are the better. I should clarify that I didn't exactly yell, I just went off. What I meant to describe was an argument, a heated argument. If I manage to not ask her to get back, how do I overcome the immense guilt I feel? All I want to do is take her back and apologize for throwing away all the beautiful months we had. Everything that seemed to bother me feel so distant and irrelevant now If you're saying my feelings of jealousy are deeply rooted and will inevitably arise again, how do I overcome them? Please understand that I do realize that they are irrational and I genuinely want to change myself for the better.
mystikmind2005 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I thank you all for the replies so far, the more frank they are the better. I should clarify that I didn't exactly yell, I just went off. What I meant to describe was an argument, a heated argument. If I manage to not ask her to get back, how do I overcome the immense guilt I feel? All I want to do is take her back and apologize for throwing away all the beautiful months we had. Everything that seemed to bother me feel so distant and irrelevant now If you're saying my feelings of jealousy are deeply rooted and will inevitably arise again, how do I overcome them? Please understand that I do realize that they are irrational and I genuinely want to change myself for the better. Jealousy comes from low self worth i think? If you like yourself and have confidence and believe in yourself, it is much easier to be able to trust your partner.
aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 If I manage to not ask her to get back, how do I overcome the immense guilt I feel? All I want to do is take her back and apologize for throwing away all the beautiful months we had. If you're saying my feelings of jealousy are deeply rooted and will inevitably arise again, how do I overcome them? Please understand that I do realize that they are irrational and I genuinely want to change myself for the better. Call her or text her and apologize for your behavior. Don't go over board with it, simply tell her in a paragraph that you can't believe how you acted, you feel horrible, are very sorry and would love a chance to talk with her in person about fixing it. Just contact her once. Don't freak out if she doesn't reply. Leave her be to process it and step back and chill out. If she agrees to meet, then take it from there about a reconciliation. In the mean time, how do you change yourself? A good first step would be to go talk to a therapist about it. A good one can help you explore these insecurities and possibly identify the root cause. They can then help you work thru them.
FistOfTheNorthStar Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 To an extent I was in your shoes too. But I had abandonment issues as well. How to overcome your guilt? Forgive yourself. Know that you were in the wrong and learn from your mistakes. The jealousy? Be comfortable with yourself. Tell yourself I am a great person, whosoever is willing to be with me would never leave me. Ironically, it hurts to say that myself.
Author Novice Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 So I wrote to her apologizing for what I did, it was a 3 paragraph email. I got 1 paragraph back saying she's sad how things ended but thankful for the experience. She thanked me for the memories and ended the email with "no regrets." I miss her so much and I don't know where to go from here, or whether or not the door is even still open.
ZiggyZoo Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 At this point, no, there's nothing you can do. You apologized and her response was very clear that she didn't want to pursue things. That door is shut.
Author Novice Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 So on a scale of 1-10 how bad of an idea would texting her for coffee tonight be?
kasop Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 So on a scale of 1-10 how bad of an idea would texting her for coffee tonight be? 1 being lowest. Respect her decision like an adult and leave her be.
Author Novice Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 In my apology I never asked for a second chance. What if she took my apology email as a signing out of the relationship? What's killing me and preventing me from moving on are the what ifs.
dumbass2 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 It would be horrible to send anything to her right now, right after you sent the apology. You're just thinking about yourself and not how this is effecting her. Ask her for a second chance now and never here from her again. That's the chance you take. When you broke up with her, that was signing out of the relationship. She is not going to give you a second chance right now, if ever. You sent the apology and that was a bit of closure for you. She handled it maturely by responding and you should now leave her a lone. You need to work on your issues. They can't be fixed in a matter of weeks and she knows this. Things are too fresh. Emotions still too high. Both of you need time away now to try to see things clearly. You say you made a mistake, but truly, you may not ever be able to except her the way she is. You say that you do now, but you miss having her there. That is natural. It's not like you left her for someone else, so that void isn't being filled.
Author Novice Posted June 16, 2015 Author Posted June 16, 2015 In terms of reopening channels of communication, is there anything I can do? And if so then when would be an appropriate time distance? Or is the train long gone?
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 You're the jealous type that can't handle your girl having guy friends. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you are open about it from the start & don't date girls that have guy friends. You screwed up by dating a girl you knew had guy friends. When you do that, you send a message that you are ok with it. Let her go & learn from your painful mistake. Don't get involved with girls that have any guy friends. Simple.
mightycpa Posted June 16, 2015 Posted June 16, 2015 If you're saying my feelings of jealousy are deeply rooted and will inevitably arise again, how do I overcome them? Please understand that I do realize that they are irrational and I genuinely want to change myself for the better. They are rooted in insecurity. That can come from one of three things, in my experience. 1) She's way better than you would expect to get, so your caveman instinct takes over, and you react like you're protecting treasure. or 2) Her involuntary responses (body language, eyes, etc.) when she does this leads you to not trust her, and your anger is rooted in fear, because deep down inside, you know she'll leave you, you just don't know for who. or 3) the dreaded "all of the above" Guys who do what you do are usually more invested in the relationship than the girl, and in a way, you're like a crystal ball. This thing you fear will probably happen, but I guess the best way to say it is that you make it more likely, and sooner rather than later with your insecure behavior.
Author Novice Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 I spend a few days feeling better and then all it takes is dreaming of the two of us at our favourite restaurant and her laugh to set me back to day 1... I swing between full autonomy of my feelings to writing a full "I miss you" text and staring at the send button... I keep thinking maybe there's a chance to get back and that 'what if' is draining all my energy.
justsounsure Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 So I wrote to her apologizing for what I did, it was a 3 paragraph email. I got 1 paragraph back saying she's sad how things ended but thankful for the experience. She thanked me for the memories and ended the email with "no regrets." I miss her so much and I don't know where to go from here, or whether or not the door is even still open. Did the email explicitly state that you want to try again and you think that you can get over this jealousy issue?
justsounsure Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 I disagree with everyone here. If you want her back, tell her. She probably feels like you do not want to be with her, just like you stated the night that you left her, and your silence just perpetuates that. Now, obviously if you want her back, you have to really think first if you are okay with all the fundamental differences. Because it wouldn't be fair to take her back and then dump her again over them.
justsounsure Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 In my apology I never asked for a second chance. What if she took my apology email as a signing out of the relationship? What's killing me and preventing me from moving on are the what ifs. I missed this post. Yeah I would have taken it as a signing out. Exactly how I did take it when you spoke of her response. I think she took it the same way I did.
The Poster Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 The main problem here is that you need to figure out why you get so jealous and angry that she has male friends. It's pretty common these days to have close friends of the opposite sex. Getting back together with her won't matter if you don't resolve that issue first. My advice would be to let it go. Start looking inside yourself to figure out why you are insecure to the point of getting angry at her and making her cry. I've been there before. I acted like that with my first girlfriend whenever she got close to friends that were guys. It did nothing but make me look like a jackass. Step away. Figure out what makes you jealous and then work on fixing it. Maybe down the road when you feel you have it figured out you can reach out and see where it leads, but for now you have to work on yourself. Good luck to you.
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