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NC Success story - Ex came back


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As the title of this thread basically says it. The ex that brought me to LS, some 4 years ago, has messaged me basically pouring her heart out. I was sitting at my desk writing a paper and my phone went off, I instantly recognized her number, even after 4 years. I have NO idea how she got it.

 

She's spoken about how "we've both grown, how time apart and other relationships has made her realize what she wants out of life and out of a partner and that we were both young and neither of us had any idea what we were doing. She said she forgives me for being a lousy boyfriend and that the connection we had and feelings she has/had for me overrides any stupid mistakes either of us made in the past and that she can't stop thinking about me and wants an adult relationship starting slowly if i'm willing to give it a shot. She said "Most of all I just miss talking to you. I haven't connected with anyone like I did with you". If I had received this message a few years ago I would've had a heart attack and thought I was dreaming.

 

She said not speaking for so long was extremely difficult and it felt like she'd completely lost someone she cared deeply for - translation = NC worked.

 

The real success story here isn't her messaging me though. I don't want her back anymore. I feel nothing for her. I honestly don't care - translation = NC worked.

 

I won't be responding to her message. I don't even have it in me to write up a response of any sort because I just don't care. I don't think I'm even over the pain she inflicted on me, even after all these years. I am certain however I do not want a relationship with her ever again. I went through so much misery and pain over this girl, it consumed me for years and irreparably destroyed my perception of her as a person. I have no feelings left for her as I completely convinced myself we would never be back together, and I allowed myself to slowly view her as being gone, even dead.

 

I don't want to inspire false hope here - the point of this post was to show that no contact is the indisputable best course of action post break up, and that time completely heals all wounds. I'm still in a bit of shock, I've only given myself a couple of hours to digest the message. It is mindblowing to compare the way I feel now receiving this to the way I would've felt ~3 years ago.

 

This forum is a special place, thank you to everyone here. Ask me anything.

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As the title of this thread basically says it. The ex that brought me to LS, some 4 years ago, has messaged me basically pouring her heart out. I was sitting at my desk writing a paper and my phone went off, I instantly recognized her number, even after 4 years. I have NO idea how she got it.

 

She's spoken about how "we've both grown, how time apart and other relationships has made her realize what she wants out of life and out of a partner and that we were both young and neither of us had any idea what we were doing. She said she forgives me for being a lousy boyfriend and that the connection we had and feelings she has/had for me overrides any stupid mistakes either of us made in the past and that she can't stop thinking about me and wants an adult relationship starting slowly if i'm willing to give it a shot. She said "Most of all I just miss talking to you. I haven't connected with anyone like I did with you". If I had received this message a few years ago I would've had a heart attack and thought I was dreaming.

 

She said not speaking for so long was extremely difficult and it felt like she'd completely lost someone she cared deeply for - translation = NC worked.

 

The real success story here isn't her messaging me though. I don't want her back anymore. I feel nothing for her. I honestly don't care - translation = NC worked.

 

I won't be responding to her message. I don't even have it in me to write up a response of any sort because I just don't care. I don't think I'm even over the pain she inflicted on me, even after all these years. I am certain however I do not want a relationship with her ever again. I went through so much misery and pain over this girl, it consumed me for years and irreparably destroyed my perception of her as a person. I have no feelings left for her as I completely convinced myself we would never be back together, and I allowed myself to slowly view her as being gone, even dead.

 

I don't want to inspire false hope here - the point of this post was to show that no contact is the indisputable best course of action post break up, and that time completely heals all wounds. I'm still in a bit of shock, I've only given myself a couple of hours to digest the message. It is mindblowing to compare the way I feel now receiving this to the way I would've felt ~3 years ago.

 

This forum is a special place, thank you to everyone here. Ask me anything.

 

Hulk, I'd like to make a small correction to your post, lest you lead someone astray:

 

 

She said not speaking for so long was extremely difficult and it felt like she'd completely lost someone she cared deeply for - translation = NC worked.
No. That's not what NC is for. That's just a byproduct, and neither here nor there.

 

The real success story here isn't her messaging me though. I don't want her back anymore. I feel nothing for her. I honestly don't care - translation = NC worked.
There you go. Congratulations, and Atta pepper!
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I was trying to highlight NC basically being the "one size fits all" - you are guaranteed to heal no matter what, if they're going to come back it will only be through NC, and if they don't come back you're still guaranteed to heal.

 

Again, not trying to inspire false hope, just thought i'd share.

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I don't think her contacting you means much..no offense. My ex said the exact same things and it was all because she started to realize she lost something good...but that's only because things didn't work out with the guy she left me for.

 

Many exes have come back after NC, but rarely has it ever worked after they have. My opinion is once it is done, it's done forever.

 

The only reason why NC worked is because it made you indifferent and you didn't get sucked into a negative cycle / situation with your ex. Congrats on getting to that point.

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I don't think her contacting you means much..no offense. My ex said the exact same things and it was all because she started to realize she lost something good...but that's only because things didn't work out with the guy she left me for.

 

Many exes have come back after NC, but rarely has it ever worked after they have. My opinion is once it is done, it's done forever.

 

The only reason why NC worked is because it made you indifferent and you didn't get sucked into a negative cycle / situation with your ex. Congrats on getting to that point.

 

I don't know.. after four years, with a VM saying she'd be willing to try again? It takes a lot of desperation or courage to leave that message right out of the gate after so long. She shouldn't have done it that way, though, not if she was actually hoping for some success.

 

She should have shown up at his doorstep, and given him that heart attack.

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I don't think her contacting you means much..no offense. My ex said the exact same things and it was all because she started to realize she lost something good...but that's only because things didn't work out with the guy she left me for.

 

Many exes have come back after NC, but rarely has it ever worked after they have. My opinion is once it is done, it's done forever.

 

The only reason why NC worked is because it made you indifferent and you didn't get sucked into a negative cycle / situation with your ex. Congrats on getting to that point.

 

I'm not too sure, this message was pretty out there. She just dumped it all on me. I agree with you when you say it rarely works out, but in terms of her intentions they're pretty damn clear with this message. She even said "i understand this is alot to take in so don't feel pressured to respond instantly or at all if you don't feel like it" at the end. But yes, NC made me completely indifferent, and for that reason I will always advocate it for almost every single break-up circumstance.

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I agree with hulk. The first and main benefit of NC is for the dumper to heal. It allows them to immediately start to put distance between the relationship and themselves. It's not to "punish" the dumper. Its for the dumped to process what happened and start the path to recovery.

 

 

The bi-product of NC and or VANISHING from the dumper is it takes the power from the dumper. The dumped isn't lavishing adulation and attention on them anymore. It's messes with the dumpers mind. They think the dumped must not of been into them that much. It hurts their ego and knocks the chip off their shoulder. They also realize that they may never hear or see the dumped again which means they lose there plan b.

 

 

What's odd about this contact is the time frame. Usually the dumper reappears after the dumped vanished from their lives around 5-6 months. In that time, the dumper dated, maybe had a short relationship or two and realized what they had wasn't that bad. The dumped also become more attractive (in some cases) as there's a mystery about them and the fact that the immediately went NC and vanished from the dumpers life.

 

 

My crazy ex reappeared after 5 1/2 months. She ended us. I said Ok and left her place. She NEVER heard another word from me EVER. Like the Hulk, I told my ex NO THANKS to me taking her back.

 

 

Proud of you HULK. I'd flat ignore her. As this site demonstrates, reconciliations rarely work. They only re-open the wounds and provide a second opportunity to go thru all the pain and BS as the first time.

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Completely agree, az. The sad thing about this is that all it's seem to have done is just make me upset again about my most recent failed relationship. I completely and irreparably destroyed a relationship with a girl who was perfect for me BECAUSE i wasn't over this ex, the one who has now come back and I no longer want. I pushed the right human away from me while hoping the wrong human that pushed me away would come back to me. How completely twisted the world is. :lmao::lmao:

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I don't think her contacting you means much..no offense. My ex said the exact same things and it was all because she started to realize she lost something good...but that's only because things didn't work out with the guy she left me for.

 

Many exes have come back after NC, but rarely has it ever worked after they have. My opinion is once it is done, it's done forever.

 

The only reason why NC worked is because it made you indifferent and you didn't get sucked into a negative cycle / situation with your ex. Congrats on getting to that point.

 

There is no after nc. Nc is a permanent state.

 

Very inspiring post hunk!

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Your posts always make me feel better hunk! Yay for you being over it and not responding. I envy that.

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you'll get there DB. It only took me so long because I refused to cut her out of my life completely. If i'd done this when I should've it would've taken nowhere near the time it did. Stay strong.

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Your post is very inspirational for me hunk. I am starting NC again for the second period and hopefully the last again. All the best for you man!

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foolinlove79

The only way to do nc is to think of it forever. None of this 30 days 60 days crap. You can win them back. And IF they do contact you the best response is no response. ..

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ManyDissapoint

This is beautiful. FOUR years! I know you are 100% over her because you don't even mention how you couldn't trust her. She's not even in her thoughts. You're not even tempted to rip her a new ********* or tell her how awful of a person she is. That's some pretty admirable indifference at this point.

 

Good job dude. Really good job.

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Wow, four years!

 

That's amazing, and what's even more amazing is you don't feel a thing towards her.

 

You are my hero :)

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TaraMaiden2
Your posts always make me feel better hunk! Yay for you being over it and not responding. I envy that.

 

This is beautiful. FOUR years! I know you are 100% over her because you don't even mention how you couldn't trust her. She's not even in her thoughts. You're not even tempted to rip her a new ********* or tell her how awful of a person she is. That's some pretty admirable indifference at this point.

 

Good job dude. Really good job.

 

Wow, four years!

 

That's amazing, and what's even more amazing is you don't feel a thing towards her.

 

You are my hero :)

 

 

I'm not sure all the above (bolded) comments are accurate... Hunk says he's 'over her' but to be honest, if he can't work through this until it leaves him feeling neutral, indifferent and in a state of forgiveness, there's still a vestige of her claws in him....

 

 

....

I won't be responding to her message. I don't even have it in me to write up a response of any sort because I just don't care. I don't think I'm even over the pain she inflicted on me, even after all these years. I am certain however I do not want a relationship with her ever again. I went through so much misery and pain over this girl, it consumed me for years and irreparably destroyed my perception of her as a person. I have no feelings left for her as I completely convinced myself we would never be back together, and I allowed myself to slowly view her as being gone, even dead.

 

He may have no feelings left FOR her, but he is still experiencing some strong emotions BECAUSE of her....

 

Getting over someone completely means that there is zero effect, anywhere, in any emotion....

 

No Contact worked - to a point.

But further work is necessary to put the lid on this once and for all.

 

Hats off for your progress thus far.

Now tackle the pain and resentment....

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Thank you for posting this. Very inspirational. NC is the way to go and this gives me hope that one day I will feel indifference towards my dumper. And I hope that bastard contacts me just so I can have the power to ignore him.

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I'm not sure all the above (bolded) comments are accurate... Hunk says he's 'over her' but to be honest, if he can't work through this until it leaves him feeling neutral, indifferent and in a state of forgiveness, there's still a vestige of her claws in him....

 

 

 

 

He may have no feelings left FOR her, but he is still experiencing some strong emotions BECAUSE of her....

 

Getting over someone completely means that there is zero effect, anywhere, in any emotion....

 

No Contact worked - to a point.

But further work is necessary to put the lid on this once and for all.

 

Hats off for your progress thus far.

Now tackle the pain and resentment....

 

Do we ever get over the pain and resentment though? If you read my posts, the pain my ex put me through is unforgivable, to me at least.

 

Maybe, I will forget about it later on, but to intentionally forgive her for what she did, I do not think I am at that stage right now, or can ever be.

 

Hunk has done some real progress where he is indifferent, with respect to her feelings towards her and that's good enough for me to stick with NC *forever*.

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TaraMaiden2
Do we ever get over the pain and resentment though?

Yes of course we can. And should. It's an emotional hurdle, but one we owe it to ourselves to overcome, to transcend... It's like carrying a backpack full of sharp rocks up the mountain.

What's the point? Why burden yourself with something you really don't need, impedes your progress, weighs you down and hurts...?

 

If you read my posts, the pain my ex put me through is unforgivable, to me at least.
Pain happens. Suffering is optional. That was then. Why keep it bubbling 'now'...?

 

Maybe, I will forget about it later on, but to intentionally forgive her for what she did, I do not think I am at that stage right now, or can ever be.

Why not? What purpose does it serve you personally in your personal growth, development and determination to be the best 'you' you can be?

 

Isn't it rather like taking a knife and holding it by the blade, trying to cut the bread with the handle? What does it do to the bread? More importantly, what's it doing to your hand??

 

 

Hunk has done some real progress where he is indifferent, with respect to her feelings towards her and that's good enough for me to stick with NC *forever*.

It's the purpose of sticking to NC for ever for everyone.

But NC doesn't heal you. It's a tool.

YOU heal you.

And refusing to release Pain, Anger and Resentment, is merely clutching the tail of the cobra...

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Yes of course we can. And should. It's an emotional hurdle, but one we owe it to ourselves to overcome, to transcend... It's like carrying a backpack full of sharp rocks up the mountain.

What's the point? Why burden yourself with something you really don't need, impedes your progress, weighs you down and hurts...?

 

Pain happens. Suffering is optional. That was then. Why keep it bubbling 'now'...?

 

 

Why not? What purpose does it serve you personally in your personal growth, development and determination to be the best 'you' you can be?

 

Isn't it rather like taking a knife and holding it by the blade, trying to cut the bread with the handle? What does it do to the bread? More importantly, what's it doing to your hand??

 

 

 

It's the purpose of sticking to NC for ever for everyone.

But NC doesn't heal you. It's a tool.

YOU heal you.

And refusing to release Pain, Anger and Resentment, is merely clutching the tail of the cobra...

 

Some good points but it is easier said than done. Time will do its thing and maybe in a few years, I will find it easier to forgive.

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TaraMaiden2

Nobody - including me - has ever said it's easy.

 

Time does nothing. All it does is pass, and it may pass, but unless you're willing to put in the work, this is something that has the potential to not only hold you back, but it will prevent you from forming healthy, balanced relationships in future.

 

It's like adding weights to the bar, while you're holding it aloft....

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Tara, I know what you're saying. I've made it out here as if this message triggered something in me, but it didn't. The first thing i thought when i saw her number was "Oh wow, you've got to be kidding me. Here we go, time to post on LS". I was shocked at the content of the message because I just couldn't believe that this had come out after 4 YEARS, and that this was the EXACT message i was begging for every day for at least 2 years after we broke up. I've let go of the pain she caused me but it was the pain that caused me to become indifferent to her in the first place, over such a long period of time. I just feel NOTHING for her now, reading that message sort of gave me a weird feeling as if I felt sorry for her. I've already deleted it. It's a chapter in my life over, was one of the worst periods of my life and reading that message then deleting it was extremely cathartic. Reading it basically buried any remnants of interest I had in her even deeper into the ground, I just don't care.

 

Stay NC everybody we're all gonna make it

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Hunk, I was just curious...around what time post break up did you feel like you didn't care anymore? My girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me and left me 3 months ago and stayed with that guy. I'm at the point right now where I don't think I would want to date her again unless she made huge changes and admitted to her faults but I still think about her every hour of every day. Could you maybe respond with like a timeline of sorts post breakup where things started to feel better?

 

Thank you!

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Hey guys I just wanted to add one of my friends experiences in a similar matter. My friend dates his first ex-girlfriend for around 3 years, during that time he was the nicest guy he could be, couldn't be a better boyfriend. The girl quickly turned sour on him and dumped him. He didn't contact her for almost 2 years until one day she sent him a text that went something like this:

 

"Hey this is XXX I know this message is a bit random but I do not want you to get the wrong idea from it, it was more of a long overdue message from years ago. I guess the intentions behind this are honestly selfish because it is about the guilt I have felt. Over the past few years I have been through a lot and been working towards coming out the other end of self reflection and I guess on that journey I realised what a terrible person I was to you. There was no excuse for me to suddenly become a bitch and end the relationship and after that not even treating you with respect or decency like you deserved. I know that you obviously have closure and this may not mean anything at all but I am sincerely sorry for what happened, not for my actions but also my words and the person I became especially towards you. I have gained a lot of perspective over the years and it has eaten away at me a lot and I just have never had the balls to genuinely tellyou how sorry and regretful I have felt. As I have said this may mean nothing to you so just ignore it. I don't really expect a reply, it is just something I felt compelled to do for a long time and felt you deserved it. Anyway congratulations on finishing blahblahblah....Hope life is treating you well and full of happiness and fun! :) XXX"

 

Can someone explain why if the girl was mean to a really nice boy in her first relationship, they will usually come back and apologise after a few years? When I saw my ex even after 6 weeks, she was apologising for dumping me and leaving me alone all by myself in the country where I had no one to talk to. It doesn't mean anything, but why do girls do that? What is the point? Is it to ease their own guilt so that they don't feel as bad for what they did?

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