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Really, really lost. My fiancée called off the marriage and wants to move out.


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Old 18th April 2015, 11:30 AM   #1
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Really, really lost. My fiancée called off the marriage and wants to move out.

I worry that this is going to be much too long for a lot of people but I can't help but to seek advice.

The current situation:
My fiancée and I are approaching our four-year anniversary of being together in a committed relationship. We've lived together for a little over three years. We've been engaged for almost two years and had planned to be married this July. I'm 26 and she is 28. Four days ago I received the "We need to talk," text. I came home from work that day and after she did as well she expressed to me that she doesn't think she can be in this relationship anymore. Her reasons are that she has become unhappy over a length of time and she feels pushed away, unloved, and disconnected.

The next night she kissed another guy. Evidently she had been talking to this guy for two weeks prior. She assured me that it only happened the one time and that they have never hung out with each other alone. She also told me that she did not initiate the action but she also didn't stop it. As you can imagine, I lost it when I found this out. The last few days and nights have been an absolute nightmare for me. I've slept less than three hours each night, I've missed a couple days of work, and I haven't eaten a total of one meal over the last few days.

My reactions/interactions have ranged from incredibly desperate to entirely too angry to calm and collected. She has expressed to me that, beside postponing our marriage, she feels that she needs to move out and have her own place to create space. I have tried incredibly hard to keep our communication about the situation open and continuous. Over the last few days she has agreed to try to work on this to see if what we had can be salvaged and then rebuilt. She has also told the other guy that they cannot talk and they cannot be friends while she tries to work on our relationship.

She was opposed to this in the first few conversations we had and I told her that I will do whatever I can to help mend this, but I cannot and will not tolerate someone else in the picture. She has told me that she does not have a romantic interest in this other guy and she does not want another relationship. She said her reason for kissing him the other night is that she wanted to feel wanted by somebody because she hasn't felt that way with me for quite some time. I expressed to her that I can look past it if it doesn't happen again and that I will not bring it up in any sort of argument or hold it against her.

People make mistakes. I've done the same thing in the past (not to my fiancée, but I've been in her shoes). She has also agreed to not move out until we meet with our therapist in two days. I say "our" therapist because we have seen her together six times over the last four or five months.

Some history:

We met each other when I started a new job. We were both in different relationships at that time and we grew to become very close friends. I will point out, though, that at that time I was in a relationship with another guy. I'm completely comfortable with who I am, I do not think it can or will happen ever again, and there have been no secrets in our relationship. I point this out because I did not mention this in our previous therapy sessions, which is something my fiancée doesn't feel comfortable with (and I agree with her).

So that's that. After our friendship of about six months, my relationship at the time dissolved. Nothing bad happened, I just grew to understand that I had a curiosity that I wanted to explore and I no longer wanted to be with that person. At the same time my relationship was dissolving so was hers. She was with a guy much older than her and things just didn't end up working out. I was out of my relationship before she was. Before she ended her relationship at the time we began to become much closer than friends.

Nothing happened between us during her relationship and I told her that while I was beginning to have feelings of more than friendship, I would not act on them or pressure her out of her relationship, and that above all else (at the time), I ultimately wanted to keep our friendship. The same night that she called her relationship off with the other guy we had sex. I realize the implications that holds, but I do believe we fell in love with each other long before then. Some people might agree that's possible, others won't. Our relationship began like all (or most) others.

Everything was incredibly perfect and we were madly in love with one another. It would drive us insane every day being away from each other and we would call, text, and meet each other whenever we possibly could during our work or school days. After I had ended my previous relationship I moved into my own place. At the time, my fiancée was basically living with her partner but "officially" lived with one of her older sisters. Very soon after our relationship began (a month at the most) we began spending every single day and night together. A year into our relationship we moved in with one another into our own place.

Things were absolutely amazing. Our sex was fantastic, we introduced one another to each of our warm and welcoming families, and we loved being around each other. It really did seem like we were two best friends who loved each other even more. About two years into the relationship the fights began. I can admit that when we began to fight I did not have the best form and style of communication and neither did she. We began to fight about me spending what she felt like was too much time with my other friends.

I'm certain that this was the point that has brought us to where we are now. Regardless, the frequency between fights began to increase. Shortly after, we made plans to travel to another country together. Neither of us had ever done anything like that and we both agreed that we needed to be away from our friends and family to celebrate one another and spend true, quality time with one another. We felt that we hadn't done that enough lately and that it would really be good for us. During our trip I proposed and she accepted.

We were on such an incredible emotional high after then. Our families and our friends were nothing but excited for us. About six months into our engagement the fights came back. I feel it was at this time I started to behave in the way that has made her feel pushed away now. Looking back, I did not validate her feelings and needs. I spent more and more time with my friends. Our fights began to become extremely toxic and I believe that we began to resent one another. A little over a year into our engagement we agreed that seeing a marriage/family therapist was the step in the direction we needed. During our therapy sessions we were both able to identify and communicate to one another what we felt was wrong with the relationship and what we could and would work on.

Her responses lately have been that I have let go of what we talked about in therapy and I've become entirely too disengaged with her. To give a little bit more of a history on me, I have a very saddening and traumatic relationship with my father. It began when I was with another guy and has spiraled downward ever since. I won't go into great detail about my father and I, but I think it's important to recognize that a lot of what has happened with my fiancée stems from my inability to healthily process the situation I have with my father (and our therapist has agreed).

My fiancée believes that I have turned into a negative and emotionally aggressive person over the past year or so. She tells me that her family has noticed the same thing and they were not surprised when she told them we were no longer getting married. I will admit that I have not been happy for quite some time, but it does not feel that to me that it has anything to do with my fiancée. As a result, though, our sex life over the last six months to a year has been minimal. We have not shown affection to each other. The compliments have ceased to exist (on my end, at least). She tells me that she feels I don't appreciate who she is and that she feels like I have pushed her away when she only wanted to be my support.

As I type this I can already see that in order for us to be a happy couple again I have to learn how to be happy with my own situation. She told me that we can continue seeing our therapist together and that she would like me to see a different therapist on my own. I agreed to this and have my first appointment in three weeks. I'm worried about where we're going to end up. She tells me that she has tried for far too long to believe that me and this relationship would become healthier and she has reached the point of wanting out. When I look back on all of this after our turbulent last few days I can clearly see her point of view. I've tried to explain that but I feel it might not be enough.

I truly do think that we both want our relationship to last. She has agreed to try. She tells me that she doesn't know what will happen but that she loves me and she is willing to try. I do think a big part of where we are now is my fault but I don't think it can entirely be my fault. One of her faults (as well as mine) is poor communication. I don't feel that she has brought to my attention this whole time just how upset and hurt she has felt. I feel that if I had known it was this bad I could have made an honest effort to help. I also do not believe it is my fault she kissed another guy.

So this is where we are. Anybody's advice from similar past experiences is what I'm looking for. I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel desperate. I want nothing more than for us to work through these issues and come out stronger together on the other side. I understand that now is not the time for marriage. I realize she has very intense feelings about all of this and I do not disagree with them.

My biggest failure has been my lack of recognizing and meeting her emotional needs. I believe we've learned quite a bit about that in therapy and I believe we can overcome this. I just don't know if she believes the same thing.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 18th April 2015 at 6:29 PM.. Reason: added paragraphs, use them please
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Old 18th April 2015, 11:31 AM   #2
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I'm in the same boat buddy. Meant to be married in a few weeks. My advice right now is to stop blaming yourself. If possible live apart from her and do not talk to her unless it's absolutely necessary for practical reasons. The best thing you can do now for your pride and self-esteem is SAY NOTHING. IT's not your fault she kissed someone else. It's hers. And she can't be trusted. And you can never trust her again. She would leave you again. You've dodged a bullet trust me.
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Old 18th April 2015, 11:43 AM   #3
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I'm in the same boat buddy. Meant to be married in a few weeks. My advice right now is to stop blaming yourself. If possible live apart from her and do not talk to her unless it's absolutely necessary for practical reasons. The best thing you can do now for your pride and self-esteem is SAY NOTHING. IT's not your fault she kissed someone else. It's hers. And she can't be trusted. And you can never trust her again. She would leave you again. You've dodged a bullet trust me.
Believe me, a big part of me feels that way. But I love this person and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm at my wit's end with it all.
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Old 18th April 2015, 11:45 AM   #4
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Believe me, a big part of me feels that way. But I love this person and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm at my wit's end with it all.
Well the feeling isn't mutual. You'll realise that one day when she leaves you and you haven't heard from her in months. You'll be at your wit's end if you're with her anyway. She can't be trusted, and she may leave you at any time. I wouldn't give her the chance to f*ck you over again.
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Old 18th April 2015, 11:49 AM   #5
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Well the feeling isn't mutual. You'll realise that one day when she leaves you and you haven't heard from her in months. You'll be at your wit's end if you're with her anyway. She can't be trusted, and she may leave you at any time. I wouldn't give her the chance to f*ck you over again.
I don't think she is a cheater. Kissing someone else is cheating in my book, I agree. But I know that's not her. She made a mistake. I've obviously made mistakes too. I don't know how I would live with knowing our relationship was destroyed by something I did (or didn't do).
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Old 18th April 2015, 11:49 AM   #6
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I will also tell you. It is easy to say that the past is the past, but you will always wonder if it was only a kiss or more. You will also become a little more aware and everytime she goes out, you will have this little thought in the back of your mind that will taunt you.

I understand your feelings. Do not beg, or plead for sure. It will not work.
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Old 18th April 2015, 11:54 AM   #7
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I will also tell you. It is easy to say that the past is the past, but you will always wonder if it was only a kiss or more. You will also become a little more aware and everytime she goes out, you will have this little thought in the back of your mind that will taunt you.

I understand your feelings. Do not beg, or plead for sure. It will not work.
I've entertained your point as well. Of course I won't be able to forget it. But she is an honest person and she admitted it to me. That says a lot. I truly don't believe anything more than a kiss happened. She's the type of person who would end it with me completely if that were to happen. I guess what's keeping me hopeful is that she's still here. She's willing to try to work this out with me. If she truly wanted to be gone, she would be gone.

I was already desperate and pleaded and begged. That didn't make her leave either. Now that that's out of my system I can be calm when we talk.
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Old 18th April 2015, 1:41 PM   #8
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OP, I feel your pain. My ex dumped me the night before we were supposed to go to marriage counseling with the pastor who was going to marry us. It's cringe worthy and devastating. That was 2 years ago, and he's marrying someone else next month. The best advice I can give is to let her go. If she wants out, there is not a d@mn thing you can do about it. You have to let her walk away.

It's incredibly difficult, confusing, frustrating, sad, ect. Right now, you are probably just in complete shock, but I'm sure she's been planning this for awhile. All you can do is let her go if she wants to go. I'm not saying you have to understand it, but you can't make her change her mind.
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Old 18th April 2015, 3:12 PM   #9
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OP, I feel your pain. My ex dumped me the night before we were supposed to go to marriage counseling with the pastor who was going to marry us. It's cringe worthy and devastating. That was 2 years ago, and he's marrying someone else next month. The best advice I can give is to let her go. If she wants out, there is not a d@mn thing you can do about it. You have to let her walk away.

It's incredibly difficult, confusing, frustrating, sad, ect. Right now, you are probably just in complete shock, but I'm sure she's been planning this for awhile. All you can do is let her go if she wants to go. I'm not saying you have to understand it, but you can't make her change her mind.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience! That's no good at all. Luckily, in my situation, she hasn't dumped me yet. She's willing to work on this and give therapy another shot. That tells me that she isn't ready to walk away.
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Old 18th April 2015, 3:27 PM   #10
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The best predictor or future behavior is past behavior. She was involved with another man when you two first got together. You may not have had sex until it was officially over, but thee were feelings present between the two of you. She was also still living with him, is that correct? I wonder what she was telling him that whole time, if she was saying that she wanted to work on it with HIM too.

I used to think that people would change for the right person, and their coping mechanisms would become healthier too. But I have come to believe that we all think that we are the exception to the rule. Except the rule is, "There are no exceptions". At some point, I don't care how invested in the relationship you might be, when the sh*t hits the fan, you're just another soon-to-be-ex, and will be dealt with just like all the others.

When I met my ex-husband, he had very, very recently left a year-long relationship. I found out that it was less than a week between the two of us when his ex-girlfriend showed up at his place crying one night. Guess he just dumped her over the phone and cut her off. I didn't think too much of it, and we went on to become married for seven years and have three daughters together. Well, guess what happened when he wasn't happy in the marriage? He met someone else, hooked up with her, and moved out literally overnight. He worked third shift and moved his things when our girls were at school and I was at work. I found out about the OW when I showed up at his place crying...does this sound familiar? Guess what happened when his SECOND marriage to the OW went bad? Yep, cut her off and immediately replaced her.

My point is, I thought that seven years and three kids together would ensure some level of respect that would entail at least a heads-up when things went south. But people do what works, sadly. I think your ex is the same way, and I wouldn't be surprised if she left you for this other guy. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think that's where it's going. You two have a history of being unhappy together, it seems, and there has to be a breaking point somewhere.
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Old 18th April 2015, 4:50 PM   #11
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Ziggy, I believe that is true. The hardest part is the other person hides their feelings or if they talk about it they do it in a way that you may not catch. My wife asked me when she brought up filing, did you think everything was going good? I like most was like yes. I didnt see the clouds. I saw the happy posts on facebook, our normal banter, etc. If they would come out early and set it straight. This is how I feel, we need help, etc. Instead like my wife found talking with another was easier and it snowballed. You talk about your life with someone without them talking to the other, that person will be like why you staying?
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Old 18th April 2015, 5:14 PM   #12
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I don't think she is a cheater. Kissing someone else is cheating in my book, I agree. But I know that's not her. She made a mistake. I've obviously made mistakes too. I don't know how I would live with knowing our relationship was destroyed by something I did (or didn't do).
You are contradicting yourself here.

If she's shown behavior that looks like cheating - then she must have made herself the cheater by her actions.

She's got work to do - first up = boundaries! Why is she kissing a guy she states she's not interested in? Dang - what might happen when she is interested in another guy?
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Old 18th April 2015, 5:31 PM   #13
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You are contradicting yourself here.

If she's shown behavior that looks like cheating - then she must have made herself the cheater by her actions.

She's got work to do - first up = boundaries! Why is she kissing a guy she states she's not interested in? Dang - what might happen when she is interested in another guy?
Some people do not know where the boundaries are until after they blown right through them.
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Old 18th April 2015, 5:46 PM   #14
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I used to think that people would change for the right person, and their coping mechanisms would become healthier too. But I have come to believe that we all think that we are the exception to the rule. Except the rule is, "There are no exceptions". At some point, I don't care how invested in the relationship you might be, when the sh*t hits the fan, you're just another soon-to-be-ex, and will be dealt with just like all the others.
This is so true. We all want to think we are special, but I honestly think that some people are just incapable of not being in a relationship. Once it gets boring or any problems surface with one partner, they find another person. I think they are users, and they use people. You are the love of their live until you aren't anymore. There were signs along the way with my ex, but the desire to feel special and loved is so strong, I think we just look the other way.

My ex has a lot of exes, which should have been a clue, and he talked about people like objects. That's just his wiring. It's the way he was raised, so I wasn't going to change it. Once I did something to step out of line, I was no longer useful to him. It will be the same with his new woman. He doesn't love her any more or any differently than me. She simply fills out his check list in a way that I didn't, which is why I don't get too upset about him getting married. Mostly, I just think, poor new woman. Having to put up with him and his weirdness. I was "the love of his life," "the best thing that ever happened to him," he "loved me so much." Until, one day he didn't. It was all words with him. Nothing solid to back it up.
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Old 18th April 2015, 5:59 PM   #15
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This is so true. We all want to think we are special, but I honestly think that some people are just incapable of not being in a relationship. Once it gets boring or any problems surface with one partner, they find another person. I think they are users, and they use people. You are the love of their live until you aren't anymore. There were signs along the way with my ex, but the desire to feel special and loved is so strong, I think we just look the other way.

My ex has a lot of exes, which should have been a clue, and he talked about people like objects. That's just his wiring. It's the way he was raised, so I wasn't going to change it. Once I did something to step out of line, I was no longer useful to him. It will be the same with his new woman. He doesn't love her any more or any differently than me. She simply fills out his check list in a way that I didn't, which is why I don't get too upset about him getting married. Mostly, I just think, poor new woman. Having to put up with him and his weirdness. I was "the love of his life," "the best thing that ever happened to him," he "loved me so much." Until, one day he didn't. It was all words with him. Nothing solid to back it up.
I know what you mean re: new woman meeting needs for now. Once I realized that about my ex, it was like dawn breaking. He wasn't treating her any better, it just hadn't gotten old for either of them yet. And when he moved right along after her, I look at this new one and think the same thing. I really feel badly for her, honestly, because he's got two failed marriages now, plus his other ex-wife left him for his brother. He hooked up with this new chick that same week. She doesn't stand a chance, he has no clue how to have a healthy relationship, which really is too bad.

And this recent ex has his pattern too. His is to completely cut them out, no communication at all. He said it was because they were both crazy, but I'm starting to doubt that, since he's doing it to me. And I went immediate NC, only breaking it to ask if he wanted an update on the baby after the 20 week ultrasound, and to let him know that he was welcome to call about the baby and we'd keep it to just that. Calm and collected. Part of it, between us, was so that he couldn't justify it to himself by saying that I handled it poorly at all. Eff that, he's not using my behavior as excuse for his own. Anyway, I though it would be different with us, because I wasn't "crazy" like the other two. But nope, that's his coping mechanism, dump 'em and forget 'em. There are no exceptions to the rule.
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