ragdoll15 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Hi LS. I've been lurking this forum for a very long time -- long before my breakup, but I'm finally writing now because I'm seeking love and support from the kind people on this forum. My ex and I had been in a relationship for a year. We are both at an incredibly stressful time in our lives with debt and the demands of graduate school. Because of stress and the fact that we both had a hard time coping and healthily communicating, he has basically called off our relationship three times. The first time, I'm ashamed to say that I lost it and I begged him not to leave. I started out thinking that the breakup was entirely my fault -- that I was too insensitive and not trying hard enough to make him feel loved and secure. That went on a for a few weeks until he became depressed, I fell into his depression, and we began to argue. That lead to the second time. The second time, he called me in the evening and said he was tired of the constant arguments. I agreed, I wanted to work on our conflicts but he was almost adamant about taking a break. We got into an argument and although he offered to meet me for lunch I was so caught up in the exhaustion and anger in his tone that I just agreed to let him go. Two weeks later he wrote me a long letter about how much I meant to him, and how much he appreciated me during our relationship. I wanted so badly to reconcile with him because I honestly did love him. We were never abusive to each other. Neither of us were perfect and we both made a lot of mistakes. I sincerely wanted things to work and I had even made a mental outline of the boundaries I was going to set -- I wanted to restart our relationship back from scratch. He came over the day we exchanged emails and I missed him so much that I had no physical resolve at all. I was a f****** idiot and allowed our mutual passion to rush us straight back into where we left off at the end of our old relationship. As we were lying in bed I asked him how I could be a better partner so that we could resolve our conflicts in the future. He said, "You don't have to change anything. Just do what you were doing and we'll be okay." That was a red flag and I knew I should've put on the brakes. I didn't. He was being so optimistic and I was being so optimistic. I had the blinders up and I told myself that I can try harder and start the work for the both of us, and maybe slowly he can follow suit. It never happened. Our arguments had definitely gotten better. They really did. We were listening to each other and trying to argue from a place of love. Then life and stress and school came crashing down. And his depression came back full force. He started withdrawing and we began to argue again because I didn't have the skills to resolve our problems when I was the only one working at it. Last week he said his heart wasn't in the relationship anymore. He said he didn't know where it was going. He told me that he couldn't be in a relationship, that this relationship was an added stress to all of his other life stressors, that he needed to work on himself. A part of me felt that this was coming, but I was still floored. I'm floored because I have always been there for him. I've always offered to be his support. We both went through a great deal with each other. And I feel like it's entirely my fault that this didn't work out. I'm angry that he threw all of this away when I have tried to be nothing less than a faithful and loyal partner. I'm not perfect, I made mistakes, but I held on. I just don't know what to do. I've lost my self esteem, my identity. I still want him back so badly though.
ravfour4 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 If someone is not sure if they want to be with you on 3 separate occasions, they are not the one for you. It sounds like you were being transparent with your feelings and that he is unsure or unready to commit. I think you can find someone better who will love you whole heatedly. If there were issues he had with you he should have voiced them so you two could work through the issues. My gf broke up with me about 3 months ago after 4 years, mainly because I was having a rough couple of months at work and with my dad being sick that I wasn't able to be the guy she "wanted" or be as romantic. If she had truly loved me, she would have helped me through this rough time, not ran away in fear of things not being "perfect". 2
ephemeralme Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Hi LS. I've been lurking this forum for a very long time -- long before my breakup, but I'm finally writing now because I'm seeking love and support from the kind people on this forum. My ex and I had been in a relationship for a year. We are both at an incredibly stressful time in our lives with debt and the demands of graduate school. Because of stress and the fact that we both had a hard time coping and healthily communicating, he has basically called off our relationship three times. The first time, I'm ashamed to say that I lost it and I begged him not to leave. I started out thinking that the breakup was entirely my fault -- that I was too insensitive and not trying hard enough to make him feel loved and secure. That went on a for a few weeks until he became depressed, I fell into his depression, and we began to argue. That lead to the second time. The second time, he called me in the evening and said he was tired of the constant arguments. I agreed, I wanted to work on our conflicts but he was almost adamant about taking a break. We got into an argument and although he offered to meet me for lunch I was so caught up in the exhaustion and anger in his tone that I just agreed to let him go. Two weeks later he wrote me a long letter about how much I meant to him, and how much he appreciated me during our relationship. I wanted so badly to reconcile with him because I honestly did love him. We were never abusive to each other. Neither of us were perfect and we both made a lot of mistakes. I sincerely wanted things to work and I had even made a mental outline of the boundaries I was going to set -- I wanted to restart our relationship back from scratch. He came over the day we exchanged emails and I missed him so much that I had no physical resolve at all. I was a f****** idiot and allowed our mutual passion to rush us straight back into where we left off at the end of our old relationship. As we were lying in bed I asked him how I could be a better partner so that we could resolve our conflicts in the future. He said, "You don't have to change anything. Just do what you were doing and we'll be okay." That was a red flag and I knew I should've put on the brakes. I didn't. He was being so optimistic and I was being so optimistic. I had the blinders up and I told myself that I can try harder and start the work for the both of us, and maybe slowly he can follow suit. It never happened. Our arguments had definitely gotten better. They really did. We were listening to each other and trying to argue from a place of love. Then life and stress and school came crashing down. And his depression came back full force. He started withdrawing and we began to argue again because I didn't have the skills to resolve our problems when I was the only one working at it. Last week he said his heart wasn't in the relationship anymore. He said he didn't know where it was going. He told me that he couldn't be in a relationship, that this relationship was an added stress to all of his other life stressors, that he needed to work on himself. A part of me felt that this was coming, but I was still floored. I'm floored because I have always been there for him. I've always offered to be his support. We both went through a great deal with each other. And I feel like it's entirely my fault that this didn't work out. I'm angry that he threw all of this away when I have tried to be nothing less than a faithful and loyal partner. I'm not perfect, I made mistakes, but I held on. I just don't know what to do. I've lost my self esteem, my identity. I still want him back so badly though. aww ragdoll, sorry ((( hugs))) ...while my situation is VERY different, it is similar in that my S.O. also gave up on me... which hurts and is very hard on the sense of oneself... please please remember, your identity is not because of HIM< it is because of you.. you are you ...and none of us are perfect and no relationship is perfect . .. I wish I had words that could make this all feel better for you, but I too am struggling each day, each night and everything in between. I have found this website very insightful and helpful, so I am sharing it with you....maybe it will help you a wee bit too. Baggagereclaim 2
ephemeralme Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 If someone is not sure if they want to be with you on 3 separate occasions, they are not the one for you. It sounds like you were being transparent with your feelings and that he is unsure or unready to commit. I think you can find someone better who will love you whole heatedly. If there were issues he had with you he should have voiced them so you two could work through the issues. My gf broke up with me about 3 months ago after 4 years, mainly because I was having a rough couple of months at work and with my dad being sick that I wasn't able to be the guy she "wanted" or be as romantic. If she had truly loved me, she would have helped me through this rough time, not ran away in fear of things not being "perfect". sorry to read this ravfour4----- sometimes I keep saying, when the going gets rough, the weak get going.... similarly, we were together 6.5 years and I have gone through a VERY difficult year with family. death. loss, challenges etc... and he left me too. sorry about your dad--- you would think that our partners; people we love would hold onto supporting us and the relationship when it needs it... but.. then; there is this strange selfish thing they do..... I just don't get it. I know I would have stuck by him through thick and thin and I did! 1
Author ragdoll15 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 If she had truly loved me, she would have helped me through this rough time, not ran away in fear of things not being "perfect". Ravfour, I really truly appreciate your advice and honesty. I've been struggling every day with self loathing because I wasn't at my best for the last few weeks. But you're right and it hurts that they ran when the relationship needed them. I'm still torn because I want to be empathetic and I want to forgive him because I understand that a relationship is hard (and the easiest to dispose) when life gets rough. His career is so important and he should put his career first. But then that line of thought only leads me back to the fact that I was still willing to stay and fight even with my stress and my career goals. 1
Author ragdoll15 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Ephemeral, thank you very much for your kind words and for the link to Baggage Reclaim. I'm going to read it tonight. It's easy not to get caught up in the relationship failure. It's hard to wake up in the morning and not feel lonely. It feels insurmountable to have to face the day and know that I don't get to hear his voice before I fall asleep. 1
TunaCat Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 My ex gave up on me too. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever dealt with. We had dated before, but we were trying again. I was insisting on going slowly and he claimed he was totally okay with that. He never pressured me to do anything I wasn't ready for. He didn't push for commitment. Until he wasn't. Out of the blue he ended things with me. He wanted to see other people. Although two days before that, he had told me he wanted to marry me. I'm sorry you are dealing with this pain, OP. 3
Author ragdoll15 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 TunaCat, why do they come out with these grand promises? "I love you and want to marry you" "I want you to move in with me" Why do they say they want to commit and then renege months down the line? I just don't understand. 1
TunaCat Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 TunaCat, why do they come out with these grand promises? "I love you and want to marry you" "I want you to move in with me" Why do they say they want to commit and then renege months down the line? I just don't understand. ragdoll, I wish I knew why. I don't understand why either of our exes did this. We deserve better. I promise you that. 2
Ruby65 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 TunaCat, why do they come out with these grand promises? "I love you and want to marry you" "I want you to move in with me" Why do they say they want to commit and then renege months down the line? I just don't understand. I think it's because they're engulfed in an inner battle -- wanting to break up versus fear of breaking up. It's a process of gradual acceptance that their feelings have changed.... they're gradually detaching emotionally, while also denying to themselves this is happening (because it's scary.) When they're trying to convince you -- and themselves -- that everything's great, they can go overboard and act even more loving and committed because internally they're trying to re-commit themselves to the relationship. So they go from "let's get married" to "I can't do this anymore" in like... a day! 2
Satu Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I also recommend Baggage Reclaim. As resourceful and committed as you are, its time to give up completely and forever. Your efforts alone can't fix this. ************************************* *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. ************************************** Take care. 1
Author ragdoll15 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Since the breakup last week, I've gone cold direct NC. I've deactivated facebook, deleted his number, and blocked him on Skype and a few other apps. I'm ashamed to admit I have caved a couple times on indirect NC and asked a friend to check his FB and I've signed onto Skype a couple of times just to see whether he was online or not. Even reading this makes me cringe -- how could I be so pathetic? And even in the face of everything everyone is telling me, I'm still stuck holding onto this tiny piece of hope that he'll come back and make a genuine effort to reconcile. I'm still in denial and I'm struggling to understand what part of the relationship failed because of me, and what part failed because of him. I'm struggling with trying to analyze everything and attempting to predict whether new relationships are going to fail now because of something inherently wrong with me. I mean, he broke up with me 3 times right? Just a week before our breakup we had been making love and we were so connected. And even the weekend of the breakup he was certainly trying to make time for the both of us to reconnect during a rough patch. I was having a moment of weakness where I just didn't want to talk and instead I was reaching out to him physically for comfort. Still I could feel him detaching literally by the hour. It's hard for me to figure out what's up and what's down anymore. I hate him yet I'm still so incredibly attached to him. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 First off, cut yourself some slack re: breaking NC to try to see what's going on. That's not healthy in the greater scheme of things, but it is neither cringe worthy nor pathetic. And you are far from the first person to do it. I have a history of depression myself, and it is its own monster. It makes you push away those who love you and want to help because you just can't stand to be with anyone. You don't feel worthy of anyone's love or help. So please believe me that a part of this had absolutely nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do, it is even beyond your exs control at times. Be kind to yourself. Continue the NC, it really is the best thing to do. You'll get through this, and we're all happy to help. 1
ravfour4 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) @ragdoll, despite what I said above, I still stupidly find myself justifying her actions and wanting her back because those 3.5 years up until then were amazing, no stupid drama just solid loving each other. She had a crazy past and I knew she had intense defense mechanisms because of it, I feared that something like this may happen one day (that if things went wrong, she'd just shut off her feelings to avoid being hurt) and it did.... One thing I can say though is that nothing is inherently wrong with you. If he truly loved you and was a confident person that you'd want to be with, he would have voiced his concerns because he'd want to work through them with you. I was always super straight forward with my ex (probably too much so) about anything that bugged me (not being responsible around the house with laundry etc.) and how I felt about her overall (always loved her). She did not do the same for me, she complained about small things but admitted they were small and dumb after and never told me she had overall concerns with the relationship. Had she, I would have turned them around because what she wanted (for me to more social and romantic) is what I wanted too for myself and have since been doing since the break-up, I was just so busy with work (kept getting promoted) and with my dad's health situation. She should have helped, but instead she just saw it as a turn-off and let her feelings go elsewhere. Edited April 13, 2015 by ravfour4 1
Author ragdoll15 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you ziggy and ravfour. The things you both said brought me to tears because I haven't been able to forgive myself. I try to remind myself that I was human at my worst and tried my hardest at my best. I should've been more aware, should have recognized how crushing his depression was, but he should've tried to communicate. This breakup has truly been the hardest blow to my spirit. 1
TunaCat Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 ragdoll, please don't blame yourself. Saying that you "should have" done this or that is detrimental to your recovery. If he truly wanted to work things out with you he would have communicated his needs and feelings to you. 2
Author ragdoll15 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 I'm back on day 0 NC. I was stricken with grief and guilt last night because I felt like I could have been a better more supportive partner. And I just couldn't live with myself. I tried to write a positive message to him about how he should keep his chin up and take care of himself. He hasn't tried to make contact and I'm torn apart again. I honestly don't even know what I expect out of contact. Maybe a "I forgive you", or "I understand it's hard for you and it's okay." It's finally starting to hit me that I'm losing the person I love so dearly. Why can't I grow a spine and move on? I keep crumbling in tears and I'm so stupid.
Riptide91 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I'm back on day 0 NC. I was stricken with grief and guilt last night because I felt like I could have been a better more supportive partner. And I just couldn't live with myself. I tried to write a positive message to him about how he should keep his chin up and take care of himself. He hasn't tried to make contact and I'm torn apart again. I honestly don't even know what I expect out of contact. Maybe a "I forgive you", or "I understand it's hard for you and it's okay." It's finally starting to hit me that I'm losing the person I love so dearly. Why can't I grow a spine and move on? I keep crumbling in tears and I'm so stupid. Hi ragdoll, first I want to say I'm sorry you are hurting. Breakups and losing someone you love is never easy. Next, I can also see where you're coming from, my ex gf and I tried many times to keep our relationship alive, but alas, it never worked out. One of the last things she said to me was something along the lines of "I love you but this has been forced for years." Unfortunately I think your bet bet here is to stay NC and forgot about him. You have to move on, it's not fair to yourself to let this take over your life. Yes it hurts, and you will be sad for a while and that's fine. But one day the tears have to stop and you have to begin to love yourself again. Please do not contact him anymore, for your happiness. If you feel weak or sad come here and post and we will talk you through it. Like I said, it's gonna be hard for a while, but one day you'll break through and be happy again. Start a new chapter and look to the future.
TunaCat Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I'm back on day 0 NC. I was stricken with grief and guilt last night because I felt like I could have been a better more supportive partner. And I just couldn't live with myself. I tried to write a positive message to him about how he should keep his chin up and take care of himself. He hasn't tried to make contact and I'm torn apart again. I honestly don't even know what I expect out of contact. Maybe a "I forgive you", or "I understand it's hard for you and it's okay." It's finally starting to hit me that I'm losing the person I love so dearly. Why can't I grow a spine and move on? I keep crumbling in tears and I'm so stupid. Moving on is not an easy thing to do. Anyone who says it is hasn't really dealt with a hard breakup. Going back to NC is the best possible thing for you to heal. I happened to find out that my ex, who dumped me 3 weeks ago is "Facebook Official" with a mutual friend of ours. I've cried ALL AFTERNOON. You are not stupid. You are hurting badly and that's okay.
Author ragdoll15 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Riptide and Tunacat, thank you. Tonight's been rough and I honestly wish I wasn't alive. I have never felt so worthless, like I was a waste of a human being.
Riptide91 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Riptide and Tunacat, thank you. Tonight's been rough and I honestly wish I wasn't alive. I have never felt so worthless, like I was a waste of a human being. I understand pain and hurt and being down but you can't believe that you are a waste of a human being. Someone should never lower your self worth, especially someone who was supposed to love and cherish you. Which just goes to show you are better off now. It may not feel like it but I honestly think you are. Cry, be sad, but just know you matter and your life isn't over and you have so much left to live for. Please don't wish for things like that, it isn't healthy and that's how you progress. Try to work on yourself, keep your mind busy with that. Finding happiness again is your priority now, not wallowing in sorrow, life's waaaay too short for that.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I happened to find out that my ex, who dumped me 3 weeks ago is "Facebook Official" with a mutual friend of ours. I've cried ALL AFTERNOON. Aww, hugs to you, muffin.
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