I need her to destroy me - so i can stop clinging on to hope

[Maverick27]

Hello again,

 

I'm (24) on day 6 of no contact with my ex girlfriend (19)..

 

She is currently over in another state for the weekend with the guy she cheated on and left me for, probably having the time of her life.

 

Im clinging on to hope that when she gets back she will contact me me when she gets back and tell me what a mistake she's made. But im 99.9999999% sure that she wont, and that she does not at all regret what happened, and has not had a single thought about me the whole weekend.

 

I cant cope. It's getting harder each day. Whilst we really enjoyed our time together, we didnt do social things together with other people, beacuse i wanted to give her space to make her own friend group and social cricle - as she was new to Melbourne when we got together and i feel i took her independance away.

 

ALL i can think about is that she is having the best weekend of her life with this guy - going out and partying together with HIS friends.

 

The reason why i am posting this, is that i just want to meet up with her, once last time and tell her to destroy me. Tell her to stop trying to protect my feelings and just tell me that she has absolute zero affection for me anymore. That she doesnt miss me. That we are NEVER getting back together.

 

I feel like if i let her shatter me into pieces, i can start to rebuild from the bottom, as opposed to trying to go through each day clinging to pathetic hope.

 

Even though i dont think i want her back, because it could never go back after what she did. I just want to know she misses me and has fond memories of us, instead of bad ones. But i know if i keep clinging onto this thought then i will never be able to give up hope.

 

Should i do it? Should i initiate one last meet up and just blow it out of the water?

[BlackbirdSong]

Do what I have done. Construct that story in your mind...as if it already, really happened, and deal with it the way you describe. Believe that you are destroyed and that she ended any chance of hope. That way you can truly try to move on, 1) without actually burning any bridges with her and 2) saving face.

[Maverick27]

That is exactly my point though....How can i give up hope without burning the bridge? Because whilst the 'bridge' is this still there...i know im just going to sit around waiting for her to contact me...or waiting for me to break and contact her.

[gnick]

That's what I did. Chased called texted and emailed my ex untill she never wants to hear from me again. I'm of the....if it doesn't fit get a bigger hammer camp. Hindsight what it is I don't recommend this

[BlackbirdSong]

Tell yourself that there is no bridge. You already "destroyed" it.

[you must let it go]

Shes 19 mate your 24 you will find love again dont worry. She aint destroying you shes making you stronger:)

[NoLeafClover]

99.999999% sure she won't call is not good enough.

You need to be 100% sure. Because that 1% that she might is what is making it worse for you. That 1% hope can turn a simple text,email etc from her into a "Omg she wants to give it a try"

You need to make the call yourself that even if she comes back you won't take her back.

You don't have to worry about anything trust me when I tell yoi, even if she came back things will not be the same. You will have highs again and then you will be miserable and insecure l. Will she leave again? What about the guy she screwd..you will constantly ask crazy things to yourself...was he good or better than me? What else do i not know about them? Etc etc.

Make up your mind now, make it easier on yourself. You will get there either way it's just when you cling on hope, that it makes it a longer process. Grieve, cry, sleep in if you have too but realize it will not change the situation with her. You are the only one to accept it so try not to think too much of her. It's hard to see it now but with a bit of time you will start to see you would not want someone that has done this to you.

 

 

Be strong my friend and all you other heart broken people. Life is beautiful and short to be in this low emotional state right now.... but I promise you that you will be fine.i have been there many times before.

Edited April 5, 2015 by NoLeafClover

[Ruby65]

She's a cheater.

 

You don't WANT her back.

 

Right now, you're like a smoker on the third day of nicotine withdrawal. Your lying cheating ex is a cigarette. Your desperate nicotine-addicted brain is coming up with ANY WAY to justify having "just one" cigarette.

 

But you know there's no such thing as "just one" for an ex-smoker.

 

And there's no such thing as "just one last contact" for someone in the early stages of a breakup, either.

 

If there were, you'd be able to look logically and rationally at WHAT SHE'S ALREADY SAID AND DONE and realized that bridge was burned long, long ago!

 

She CHEATED on you and LEFT YOU for the other guy! Are you kidding me?

 

What does she have to do for you to see her as she really is -- sleep with your best friend and shoot your dog?

 

Do you really need to go grovelling to this person for another chance??? Nope. Have some pride -- looking back on this for the rest of your life, you'll be so glad you had the strength and dignity to stop contacting her.

 

There's no 00.000000000000000001% chance.

 

If she EVER has second thoughts -- which is likely months from even occurring to her -- SHE is going to have to be the one to track you down and do all the begging and pleading and work to make it happen, not you.

 

Time to throw yourself into something else for the next few weeks. Are you working out every day?

[Maverick27]

Thanks everyone, your words help.

 

Thank you again RUBY65! Warms my heart to know that a complete stranger will take the time to reply to all my posts to help me out!

 

Thank you for the cigarette analogy aswell - I can relate to that...

 

 

As i said, i highly doubt i'd take her back even if she did change her mind...maybe its an ego thing. Or a control thing.

 

It's just hard - all my memories of her have been tainted by the fact that she is'nt as genuine as i thought she was - Or maybe she is genuine and i made her feel so unloved that she jumped onto the first man that made her feel desired, and she is the victim in all this?

 

I think that is what i want make contact with her for aswell - so i can talk to her and ultimately decide if im going to hate her and blame her for everything, or take on responsibilty for the fact that i didnt make her feel loved and learn.

 

I just cant tell if the whole 'I always felt so unloved with you... i always felt second best...i need to leave you to regain my indipendance' was just a smokescreen to hide the fact that she just plain and simple likes this guy (that lives 300km away) alot more than me.

 

But your right...i probably will never get closure on any of this.

[Ruby65]

It's just hard - all my memories of her have been tainted by the fact that she is'nt as genuine as i thought she was - Or maybe she is genuine and i made her feel so unloved that she jumped onto the first man that made her feel desired, and she is the victim in all this?

 

This is completely utterly 10,000% WRONG.

 

She lied, she cheated.... she is NOT the victim -- you are!

 

It's very hard to accept that the person you've loved and cherished and kept on a pedestal is actually capable of being so selfish and cruel.... believe me, I know, I've been there!

 

And it's not like she's the devil, she's not evil incarnate..... she's just selfish and weak and immature. You don't have to hate her.... you just have to learn to see her realistically and not through those rose-colored glasses.

 

You're right about her using a smokescreen to hide her true motives for the breakup. Her breakup line -- "I need to find myself" or "become independent" -- is such a hackneyed cliche FOR A REASON. People tell themselves they're lying to let you down gently, to spare your feelings... and partly this is true. But the brutal the truth of your breakup is, she no longer felt the spark for you and met someone else she was more into. Not very noble or virtuous, kind of crappy actually, which is why cheaters usually lie and use the cliches. She's trying to re-write history so she doesn't look like "the bad guy".... so she doesn't come off looking as shallow and self-absorbed as she is.

 

You WILL get closure.... but it won't ever come from her or anything she says or does.

 

It'll come from you, from within. It happens the day you no longer care about her or what happened or why.... it happens when you're too busy with your wonderful life and your future new way-better girlfriend to even give this lying cheater any space in your brain.

 

THAT, my friend, is closure.

 

Keep moving forward -- stick to your NC!

[you must let it go]

Listen to this- cry, grieve, laugh its only a bit of fluff, its harder I had 2 kids 16 years down the sh***er dont ever get back with her go out bang someone else. Get off the misery go round YOU NEED TO LET THEM GO!

youll be alright brother!!

 

http://www.theonlineword.com/mp3/5246.mp3

[lolablue17]

No! you don't want her to destroy you. Because your smaller problem is the hope that she'll want you back.

 

It's only a reflection of your bigger problem - your EGO! And by letting her stepping your ego even more, you'll achieve the opposite.

 

Your first mission is to be aware that your pain is not going to disappear instantly. Let your pain be there because it's natural and don't fight it. She is a horrible girl who cheated and left you for the man she cheated with - It's horrible, selfish and cruel.

 

Your best way to get the upper hand is to move on. She thinks you're so miserable and crush. Prove yourself that you can find better.

[Hawaii51]

Guy's make the funniest thread titles.

[guest569]

I dont think her "destroying you" is going to make the slightest bit of difference in terms of you moving on, it might even make it worse and more difficult. She has already done damage by cheating on you, you dont need any more than that.

 

My ex stated many times that he was certain and would never come back. Yet, i still held onto hope. I guess even over a year later, i tell myself just maybe.. I know he wont come back, but I wish for it. Although like you, I wouldn't actually take him back..

[titipornstar]

Its done, even if she came back its done...

 

The trust , intimacy and bond she has destroyed.

 

There is no hope, been there done that.

 

Took had back after a similar situation and she wouldn't work through the baggage she brought to us and left me again! And is now with a co worker.

 

Btch!

[stillafool]

Go ahead and consider yourself destroyed. The chances that a 19 year old will come back, even if her present relationship with the new guy fails, is pretty much zero. She will go on to another guy, then another, then another until she is around 27 and starts looking for a husband.

[ZiggyZoo]

Wait a week or two after she's back and doesn't make any effort to contact you. That'll destroy you plenty.

 

Hang in there with the NC. You'll start getting over her and none of this will matter.

[Chi townD]

Her going away for the weekend to screw some other guy isn't destruction enough?!?!?!

[flight E]

I think the secret to your dilema has been already told to you; No contact, simple.

 

There is no other way. Even if you feell like reaching her or you want her to reach you, just maintain no contact with time it will go away. You will be fine. That's the only way. We have been there, I have been there and am fine now. Pls don't reach her. You will be fine so long as you don't reach her. If you do, it may reach the point where she ignores you and then you must either go no contact or become a stalker

[Maverick27]

I screwed up.....

 

Im sorry to everyone that tried to stop me...

 

I reached out... Massively regret it...

 

 

 

I broke. The day after she got back i had a bad day... I got so depressed. So, so very depressed. I've suffered with severe depression on-and-off during my life, but i thought i'd finally beat it whilst i was with her, so i stopped taking my medication and when she left it all came back, ten-fold.

 

I called her, and with a shaky voice i said "can we meet up, i need to talk". She was very reluctant. She said she didnt want to talk about it anymore. I told her that i wasn't calling about the break up, i was calling because i was depressed and needed to talk to someone.

 

We met up. We talked. I told her that i'd hit rock bottom. That the happiness i felt by being with her masked my problems. She told me i need to talk to someone.

 

We got onto the topic of the breakup. I told her i understood why she did it. Because i was selfish and only ever cared about how much she made me happy, instead of how much i made her happy.

 

I reluinquised her of all guilt, again, for the 5th time.

 

She then felt comfortble to tell me that 'she is having a problem recieving all the affection from the new guy'. Because he is 'always saying such nice things to her and she just isnt used to recieving so much affection'. Because i was so 'closed off'.

 

All i wanted to say was..."im a man with complex feelings and emotions. I dont throw the word 'love' around like a $2 bouncy-ball'

 

At the end, i said "it's so ironic that you left me because you thought i didn't care about you. Because as you can see, there is nothing you could do to me that would make me stop caring about you".

 

 

She then tells me that this guy is now her boyfriend. Who lives in another state...who've they spent a total of 5 days together....

 

She cheated one me, her best friend. Her emotional crutch. We lived together, ate together, slept together, did Uni together, just spent christmas together. And she did this to me.

 

In the space of a week she went from being 'completely inlove with me' to having absolutely no feelings for me at all. She just completely shifted everything she felt for me onto this new guy.

 

 

I've realised that im not depressed. Im angry. I'm so very angry. I put SOOO much energy into not burning the bridge with her, and making her feel ok about the cheating that i suppressed my anger.

 

I cant BELIEVE i reached out to her. Now all she is going to see is a weak little man. She probably went home and called this guy and laughed about it.

 

Why do i care so much about not burning the bridge? Is it because i want to be the 'nice guy'. NICE GUYS FINISH LAST

 

I want to message her, i want to tell her how i really feel.

 

I want to DESTORY HER.

 

I could, with one small message.

 

All the dozens of conversations about her feelings toward her father and what a lyer and a cheat he is....she has become her father. I think she needs to know that.

What do you think.?

[TunaCat]

All the dozens of conversations about her feelings toward her father and what a lyer and a cheat he is....she has become her father. I think she needs to know that.

What do you think.?

 

Why would you stoop to her level? Walk away and never look back.

[Maverick27]

It's about ego. She won. I let her win.

 

She needs to know how i really feel. I know she wouldnt reply anyway.

 

I just feel SO STUPID for letting her get away with this.

 

I made it out like it was all my fault. But it wasnt.

 

 

I didn't get angry thoughout the whole process and blamed myself because i didnt want to deal with the rejection. My brain rationalised it, and caused me to blame myself so i wouldnt feel the inadequacy of being left for another man.

 

IM ONLY NOW REALISING THIS.

 

By blaming it all on myself i protected myself from feeling insecure.

 

So i never gave her what she deserves.

[Ruby65]

It's about ego. She won. I let her win.

 

She needs to know how i really feel. I know she wouldnt reply anyway.

 

I just feel SO STUPID for letting her get away with this.

 

I made it out like it was all my fault. But it wasnt.

 

 

I didn't get angry thoughout the whole process and blamed myself because i didnt want to deal with the rejection. My brain rationalised it, and caused me to blame myself so i wouldnt feel the inadequacy of being left for another man.

 

IM ONLY NOW REALISING THIS.

 

By blaming it all on myself i protected myself from feeling insecure.

 

So i never gave her what she deserves.

 

OMG..... can you see what you're doing right now?

 

You're coming up with YET ANOTHER RATIONALIZATION for contacting her again!!!

 

Please, don't do it.

 

Stop this madness. Stop reaching out. Stop trying to communicate with this person.

 

It's time to walk away, please! You think it can't get any worse? It can ALWAYS get worse.

 

Contact = Pain

No Contact = Healing

 

From now on, it's time to walk away and start HEALING. Block her everywhere, on everything. No more contact. Make her gone from your consciousness for the next three months.

 

Let it go.

[Chi townD]

It's about ego. She won. I let her win.

 

She needs to know how i really feel. I know she wouldnt reply anyway.

 

 

What did we learn....

 

 

Yep! You did let her win. After all the advice you got here, you STILL set yourself up to get hurt.

 

 

And no, she doesn't need to know how you really feel. Do you know why? BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T CARE!!! She didn't even want to see you!!!! Doesn't that make you want to buy a clue?

 

 

Now, you're angry and you want her to know. So, you want to get revenge? The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good and adventurous life!

 

 

You need to start making positive changes in your life. Some of the things you can do is short term goals and long term goals. The first thing you can do is get a new hairstyle. Something new and something people are going to notice and like. Then, get a new wardrobe. If you're a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy. You need to be designer jeans and button down shirt with a vest and dress shoes. Be GQ 24/7. You want people to say, "Damn dude! Looking sharp!" This is going to help your self esteem.

 

 

Then, get to the gym. Run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. This is going to help with the stress and frustrations you're having. Plus, if you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you'll be working towards that rock hard and ripped bod that girls are definitely going to like! Three things girls love to touch. Puppies, kittens and six pack abs!

 

 

Then, you need to get new hobbies. With these hobbies, there are usually clubs in your area with people that have a shared interest. JOIN THEM!!! Meet new people! Put yourself out there! Join a running club, or a cycling club or dive lessons, or a cooking class, or a men's soccer league, coed softball. Meet new people and KEEP BUSY!!!

 

 

Then, travel! Go see the world! See new things and new places. Meet new people from different backgrounds and cultures. Have adventures and take pictures to remember these trips. Pics of you whitewater rafting, horseback riding, or hiking in the mountains. Or standing on the beach with a drink in the Bahamas.

 

 

This is how you get your revenge. Because, one day, she might get curious about you because she's pining away for a "boyfriend" in another state and she might want to see what you are up to. She may log onto your facebook and she see's pics of you looking ripped standing on the deck of a boat off the Great Barrier Reef with your arm around your dive partner that happens to be this blonde haired, blue eyed Aussie girl that looks fantastic in a wet suit. Then, see pics of you doing other fun things and she'll think "Damn, look at all these fun things he's doing and here I am saving my pennies to get a plane ticket to see my 'boyfriend' because he never comes out here to see me!"

 

 

That's how you get your revenge!

[Cinnamonstix]

Breakups are a test of how strong you are and are opportunities for you to grow. If you always rely on others to give you closure and close the door in your face without making the decision to move on yourself from someone who has already said they don't want you, you're denying yourself an opportunity to grow.

 

Self-control is like a muscle. The more you practice it, the stronger your self-control becomes.

 

All you're doing right now is prolonging your pain. You will look back on your behaviour and cringe, and then the regret is just another thing you will have to deal with. Walk away with your dignity and become the person you want to be. The best revenge is living an awesome life!