Professor-Student Relationship

[Ragna_F4]

Hello there!

 

I've been reading a lot in this forum this past few days, and I think I have already my answer. Nonetheless, I want to expose my (very unethical) case and maybe have some opinions about what would be my wisest course of action here, if you wouldn't mind.

 

I'm 25. I'm coursing a MS degree, finishing it by mid year. I'm also a professor at the same university since I wanted some extra money for me. I've been working on this for a year until my studies are over. Since my career is very long, many of the students are older than me, and also I've given classes to some friends from when I was a graduate student. Because of that, I'm not treated totally like a professor, some of them even call me by my name, but I'm also not treated like one of them either.

 

Last semester, I had an student, someone I've also met during my time as a graduate student. She's 4 years younger than me. We actually didn't talk much back then, we only knew each other's existence. I find her beautiful and found out that she's also quite bright. She started to come outside schedule to my office to ask some questions. I didn't care or said anything since I do it with everyone who has some questions about the course. I'm willing to help.

 

To make the story short, she started to come more and more frequently, and started to flirt me. I tried to stay back (she ask me for a pizza a couple of times, both times I deflected), but when the semester was over....I fell. We started dating a lot on november/december/january since I'm no longer her professor (but we talked on FB like 3 months before starting dating), she also found me handsome so we flirted a lot each other, and we were very similar in a lot of aspects (hobbies, life plans, personality, etc), that made the situation to scale up very very quickly, we even had some intimacy (or a lot) in a very small time. In summary, we talked and met a lot, we trusted each other. She's very charismatic and very popular because of that, we knew what we were getting into.

 

Our relationship was secret, only her closest friends knew (and still no one outside that circle knows since not even my friends know because I haven't told anyone). I knew that our relationship was bound to fail, because of my current work and her dreams to study overseas (which I don't want to interfere, but I don't mind to go with her). I'm quite selective and didn't get much interested in a relationship so this was my first relationship, she has a LOT more experience than me in this department, she even guided me in some things. She's the type of girl who likes freedom and don't want to be bound to anyone...... I knew all that, but I was fascinated, never met a woman like her and I still fell for her.......

 

Eventually, a friend told her that there was a rumor about us. We talked about it over FB and agreed to act like nothing in the campus, and to stop seeing each other personally for a while, but still talking over FB and stuff. Both of us are also very occupied, so chats would be short. She took that for a BU (even after me telling her that i would not BU her on a chat, and that I would wait for her the time she desired), but a didn't get the message, I thought that we were good, just.....afar.

 

I don't like my job very much right now, is a very mature world for me in this moment, I don't feel comfortable and was planning on quitting at the end of the semester. So, I was ready to gamble everything for her, but I didn't want to risk her image, so I didn't do anything to damage her and stayed low. After that, we still made some video chat to help her with some of her projects and talk, but she was so cold the rest of time on the chat, she barely responded to my stuff (she thought that i was recovering from the BU). That led to very awkward moments when we finally met in another city in an spontaneous date, I thought she was making herself difficult and she thought that we were over. A week later (last friday) I went to meet her to clear things up because I was suffering in the blind. We could say that she dumped me and that was the official BU. And not gonna lie, I was devastated. She also was very affected because I got hurt. She told me that I was very dear to her, and that I would make a great friend (explicitly told me that I was in a limbo between love/affection and friendship), and she told me if I could see her as a friend. I told her that I'm not ready for that. She is so kind and she was so sad. She told me to go NC for some weeks or months.

 

I know this was totally my fault, a unethical decision, a grave mistake and whatever you think. I knew that it would be difficult to make her fall for me and I deserved what I got. But I couldn't control it and still fell in love for her.

 

The day later I was feeling better and I told her. I also I told her I couldn't stand seeing her so sad and hurt and that we could be friends. As stated before, I was reading this forum this past few days and I've finally decided to go NC. Today I told her that I'm still hurt, and that I'm not comfortable as a friend and that I'm gonna get lost for a long time. We said good-bye, I also unfriend her on FB. It has been hell this semester so I'm quitting for good once it is over. Most of the day I don't feel bad, since I have a lot to do, but I still cry now and then. Especially when I remember our shared moments...I'm still crying writing this. I still worry about her since she gets sick easily and don't eat well since she's very occupied. I'm very committed and grateful to her and I don't mind having little to no time to share if I can help her out in some way. I'm quite patient too. She told me last friday that she's never gonna fall in love with no one, and that the professor label is not gonna disappear either. She was hurt because of hurting me, but she has had a LOT of BF before (she dumped all of them) and she is kind of accustomed to it. Right now even at the gym I'm quite distracted. I'm planning on staying NC for the rest of the semester until I finally get out of this wretched place, then maybe I'll try contacting her, so maybe I could start again and fight for her on a good ground to make a stand (even though she told me not to do that). I know that the professor label stays, but it won't make itself larger, and it will disappear with time. If it fails, then I could stay friends (I think she want or wanted me as a friend with benefits after all), that way at least I still can take care of her and help her out. However, I would like to hear some of your opinions please. This is (or was) my first relationship and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing.

 

Thank you for hearing me out.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Ragna_F4

[jen1447]

The day later I was feeling better and I told her. I also I told her I couldn't stand seeing her so sad and hurt and that we could be friends. As stated before, I was reading this forum this past few days and I've finally decided to go NC. Today I told her that I'm still hurt, and that I'm not comfortable as a friend and that I'm gonna get lost for a long time. We said good-bye, I also unfriend her on FB. It has been hell this semester so I'm quitting for good once it is over. Most of the day I don't feel bad, since I have a lot to do, but I still cry now and then. Especially when I remember our shared moments...I'm still crying writing this. I still worry about her since she gets sick easily and don't eat well since she's very occupied. I'm very committed and grateful to her and I don't mind having little to no time to share if I can help her out in some way. I'm quite patient too. She told me last friday that she's never gonna fall in love with no one, and that the professor label is not gonna disappear either. She was hurt because of hurting me, but she has had a LOT of BF before (she dumped all of them) and she is kind of accustomed to it. Right now even at the gym I'm quite distracted. I'm planning on staying NC for the rest of the semester until I finally get out of this wretched place, then maybe I'll try contacting her, so maybe I could start again and fight for her on a good ground to make a stand (even though she told me not to do that). I know that the professor label stays, but it won't make itself larger, and it will disappear with time. If it fails, then I could stay friends (I think she want or wanted me as a friend with benefits after all), that way at least I still can take care of her and help her out. However, I would like to hear some of your opinions please. This is (or was) my first relationship and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing.

 

You want to "fight for her" and "make a stand" and maybe even FWB, but she said not to do that. That means don't do that. Pretty much sounds like a done deal. Hold onto your NC and move on. You'll be okay.

[Ruby65]

Hello and welcome

 

Your story was so sad! From what you described, it sounds like your ex has a history of suddenly losing feelings for her boyfriends.... not such a great quality in a girlfriend.

 

If she's told you not to contact her after the semester's over, you'd be wise to listen to her and leave her alone. If she ever decides she wants to get back together, she'll make that clear and do all the work to make it happen.

 

There's really no way you can *fight* for someone -- if they don't want to be with you, that's the end of it. You don't have to agree with the breakup, but you do have to respect it and in time learn to accept it.

 

If you haven't already, check out the No Contact Guide on this site. Here's another great guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck -- and keep posting!

[Auspecial]

 

Sorry this happened. You have to start somewhere, though. I don't think the stigma of professor/student is as much as long as both are consenting adults, and your age difference wasn't even that much.

 

You could try to re-visit it after you leave the position, but in my opinion, she has already told you that she doesn't want that kind of relationship with you.

 

Keep trying with new women until you find someone with mutual feelings.

[Chi townD]

Rule of thumb. Professor and undergrad is a big no no. Professor and grad student is highly frowned upon. It all varies with each University and their rules. But, I've found that, that rule of thumb is pretty universal.

[Strength in Healing]

Well, you learned your lesson.

 

This girl clearly has commitment issues. Why do I want to take a big fat bet she has had problems with her parents growing up...

 

Point is, it's done. Dead. Your relationship is not Jesus, and therefor, will not be resurrected.

[Ragna_F4]

Thank you everyone. I also think is for the best and I must respect her decision. Guess, I'll stay NC indefinitely until she makes a move (if that ever happens) and when I'm no longer a professor. I'll start dance classes next week. That was thinking to go dancing with her some day, but since that's no longer happening I'll take it to distract myself.

 

Why do I want to take a big fat bet she has had problems with her parents growing up...

 

Not gonna say much, it is not polite in my position to say something but you hit right in the nail my friend.

[Ragna_F4]

Hello again!

 

I'm not very experienced in this kind of situations, so maybe you can help me out with this. I've been trying to figure out the behavior of my ex after all that happened. I'm kind of curious about why she acted they way she did in all this process. I asked directly when we were in the relationship, however, many times she didn't respond me with a straight answer. Maybe later on, I can help her with her way of thinking if she opens up someday. But right now I only want to know for future reference in my future relationships. This is going to be long, sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for your time.

 

I'll post some of the questions that lurks in my mind and what I got from my perspective in our relationship. Maybe, you can help me understand better all of this.

 

-Why did she started the relationship? I asked her this several times and she always remained silent, then started to think and then she answered in a flirting way "I will never tell you". She was the one that gave the first steps in all of this. With the first conversations she told me that she doesn't want a true relationship in her life, never. She has no interest in marriage or having children. She is very dedicated to her studies (that's awesome!). I know that she had problems with her parents while still a kid (her father cheated and never changed, he still cheats in front of her daughter). I don't know exactly what happened, but she firmly believes in the phrase "The one who falls in love loses". And she wants and thinks that her single life of today will be like this forever.

 

What do you think about this? What does your experience say?

 

I have several theories:

 

1) She only wanted to have sex with me, because our tabu relationship kind of excited her.

 

2) She really liked me back then.

 

3) I was a rebound. I don't know the exact date when she broke up for good with her last ex. But I've seen a few pictures of both of them in her FB from July 2014, I've also seen pictures on her ex's FB too from April 2014 (he is an acquaintance back when we were students in college, he is just some months older than me). We started talking more casually like in September/October. I also know they had an on-off relationship, she broke up with him like 4 times (she was always the dumper) and he always begged to get back. They were probably like 1 and 1/2 years together at most. I think he still hasn't recovered, since his NC was like for only 2 weeks and had been talking with my ex saying things like "he wants to return to see her again" (he went on a long trip and he is still in it) or things that he got another girlfriend and stuff maybe to make her jealous, I dunno and I don't care (it seems to be while in our relationship). She told me quite confident that both of them have moved on and they were just friends. I believed this at first since I didn't have any experience before. Now, after reading a lot from here....I'm not that sure anymore. Maybe her ex talking to her have made the recovery for her slow? I actually don't know. What do you say in this?

 

-Why did she ended the relationship so suddenly? And more importantly, why didn't she tell me straight and clear the she wanted to stop?

 

I went an extra month thinking in her, missing her, falling in love because of that and torturing myself because she changed so suddenly. I assumed she was very busy which is true, but I think now that wasn't the true reason. Days before the rumor appeared I went to her house to help her clean (she is kind of allergic), her bus got stranded and I waited for her like 3-4 more hours with lunch ready for her since the journey was long and hot. We cleaned all day. At the end of the day I hugged her from behind and smiled and she smiled so radiantly, she was indeed happy.

 

3 days later she told me of the rumor through FB and that we have to stop seeing each other for a while, I agreed. However, I wanted to test her resolve in all of this, I was going to make a big bet on her and I wanted to be as sure as possible that she wanted to continue (my signal to stop was her desire, not the obstacles ahead). After that I told her, "It's a shame that it ended this way with a rumor". She immediately jumped in the chat, that was rare since she is busy and sometimes it takes a lot of minutes for her to respond even if she's there. She said: "???", "I understand", "But can we still be friends right?". I told her that she misinterpreted my message, that I was referring to the physical dates are over and that I was going to keep up and be with her for as long as she likes. I told her, several times even before, that if the relationship ends she will be the one to end it. I also told her that we could see each other on the next vacations. She told me that she likes how I am.

 

When she really made the BU last week, she told me that "that" was her "break up". And she was cold those 5-6 weeks because she thought that I was healing from her BU.

 

But, 3 days later after the rumor I sent her flowers, wine and chocolates on V-day to let her know that I will be there waiting (anonymously obviously since that date was canceled). She asked me if it was me, I told her yes. She told me thanks like 3 days in a row, but she didn't told me that we were over at that time, the time the supposedly I was recovering. Why? Something is not adding up here.

 

Ok, I can believe that maybe there was a misunderstanding of things. But she said something in the final BU that left me bugging myself: "I don't know if (roomate's name) made a good thing or not for me, but I'm not gonna continue". She's also the one who told her about the rumor, a rumor that I never heard of from anyone at college (but I still believe that is true about that rumor).

 

When she broke up she told me that she can't fall in love (I don't buy that) and won't fall for anyone. She also told me that she rejects around 4-6 guys per month and that she has an innumerable quantity of exes (most of them during high school and 2 "serious" relationships: her ex before me and me). I believe that, she's hot.

 

I'm really confused, I don't know if she really is affected because of her family past and wants to stay single or she just suffers the GIGS syndrome ("You're a very dear friend to me and I want you to stay there and blablabla"). If it is the former, then she will have a lonely life since I'm pretty sure her girl friends will probably find a couple, get marry, and dump their social life down the tube along with my ex and her forever single life. I know that because her friends are trying very hard to find a couple from what I've heard....and truth be told I'm kind of worried if that's the case, she doesn't have siblings, and is in very bad terms with all her family except with her mother and her mother's lover. If the latter, then I'll just run faster lol.

 

Could you please share some of your opinions? I think I need to be able to see clearer for my future relationships. I'm confused and I don't know "what" to improve in my arsenal from this past relationship. Thank you in advance.

Edited April 4, 2015 by Ragna_F4