She cheated and left me for him - Did i lose my dignity?

[Maverick27]

Hi friends,

 

I recently broke up with my ex and am having a very hard time coming to terms with the way inwhich i acted during the break up. My friends and family are giving me very mixed oppinions on the way i handled the situation, so i read through a few of the threads on this site and decided to post my story, hopefully somone may be able to give me someone insight. Sorry if it is very long!!

 

Myself (23) and my ex (19) dated for just over a year. In which time, we moved in together after about 9 months of dating. We met at Uni and then instantly became infatuated with each other. We spent every day and night together. She looked up to me and admired me like i was the smartest, funniest, coolest and strongest man she had ever met. I always felt like i had the upper hand in the relationship - she was obsessed with me and would do anything for me, yet i was just 'comfortable' with her. She took on all my ideas and personal philosophies and never questioned anything i said. She thought that we would get married and be together forever...

 

Fast foreward to about 3 weeks ago... She goes to a festival in another state with her cousin and some of her friends that live there. I wasnt worried about her going without me at all, beacuse the week prior everything was normal, we were sleeping together, showering together, telling each other we love each other.

 

I didnt sleep the night before i dropped her at the airport ( i have sleeping problems) and was very grumpy when i dropped her off. Anyway, four days past and i sent her a txt message asking what time she wanted me to pick her up from the airport. I didnt get a relpy for hours and assumed her phone must have died - so i logged into her facebook account to see if she had messaged anyone saying what time she was leaving. I saw messages from a guy i didnt know - which i decided to read. It said ' I know the next couple of weeks are going to be hard, but i know you'll do the right thing. I wish i could be there for you through this'. Alarm bells started ringing, i didnt know what to make of this. I read another message that she sent to a friend saying 'is it ok if i stay at your house for the next couple of weeks?'.

My heart sank - i didnt know what had happened, all i knew was that she was going to break up with me. She finally got back to me and told me what time to pick her up. I purchased some flowers and drove out to the airport ( i never showed her any 'grand gesture' affection, and in my panic thought that i should do something to show i love her). She got off the plane and i could see it in her face. We drove home, i was pretending like everything was normal - but it cleary wasnt...

I instigated the conversation that night, without mentioning that i had read her facebook. She went on to tell me that she was tired of putting so much into the relationship and getting nothing in return. And that i was so pessimistic and negative that is was making her feel down all the time. That she thought i didnt give a **** about her. I listened to what she was telling me, and i didnt disagree. she was right. She said she wants to break up. I asked her what happened at the festival and if she cheated on me. She got angry and said that she would never do that, its not about that.

 

At this stage, i didnt know what to think. So i went and stayed at a friends. Whilst i stayed at my friends, we still talked about it. I understood why she wanted to end it, i was always acted so indifferent towards her and she always felt that she wasnt good enough etc.

 

Anyway, over the week i continued to come back to the house to study/run errands etc. We would talk and laugh and somehow the flame rekindled and we were really enjoying being with each other again. We were having sex and fooling around - knowing that she was still going to move out. We just said we would enjoy each others company until she leaves.

 

So after about two weeks of acting semi - normal towards each other. I decide to read her facebook again whilst she is in the shower, to feed my curiousity. I look at the conversdation with the guy i didnt know - it took me all of 2 minutes to figure out that she had slept with this guy and that they were infatuated with each other....

 

I confronted her when she came back into the room. I was shaking with anger, but only for about 5 minutes. Then i calmed down and talked it out with her. She said that this guy just 'gets' her, and that he makes her desired and smart. She said she didnt want me to ever find out because she didnt want to break my heart. She and i both cried all night. I forgave her, because i didnt blame her for doing it, i made her feel like she was inferior to me, mainly because of the age difference, i always made the descisions and gave her advice etc.

 

THIS IS WHERE i dont understand my actions...

 

So we continued to sleep in the same bed, because both of us were too emotionally exhausted to be at anyone elses house. i didnt want to have to explain this to my friends. I told her that 'as much as this hurts me, i cant stop you from finding happiness. i dont resent you, i just wished you had discussed these feelings you were having towards the relationship BEFORE going to another man'.

She remained at the house for a week following - we kept fooling around, hugging, kissing, joking. But now i look back i definitely think it was me instigating those things, not wanting to let go. I felt such an overwhelming sense of guilt that i had made her feel so unwanted that she left for someone else. So i tried to make her feel as good as possible about herself - i didnt want her to feel like a 'cheater'.

I know she continued to call and skype with this guy throughout the whole week we were sharing a bed. Which hurt me greatly, but i just wanted to continue on being with her until she left, making sure that she knew how much i cared about her and that i UNDERSTAND the reasons why she did it.

 

I helped her move out. now she's gone - and im thinking that i lost my dignity. Why did i relinquish her of all guilt and keep reassuring her that it was ok?? Why did i keep fooling around with her after i found out? Did she pity me?

 

She never once admitted that she was partly to blame - it all went on me. I admitted that my general mental health was bad, and has always been bad. I was always too focused on myself and not her. But she NEVER admitted that she did the wrong thing. Because she likes this new guy so much, she doesnt regret.

 

Since all this, i sent her a MASSIVE email, explaining why i treated her like i did during the relationship and that the age difference was the catalyst for all my actions. I always thought i had to protect her and guide her. After all this i still told her that 'i am here for you as a friend'

 

She replied with a massive email about how much she appreciates that i took the time to understand why she did it and why we had to break up. She tried to make me feel better about myself and remind me that we DID have a great time together.

 

But now, i feel like a worthless piece of ****. I feel i relinquished her of all guilt and sorrow to the point where she now feels so good about meeting this new guy and moving on. Meanwhile, im here holding the bags. Why did i make her feel so good about it, when in reality im so hurt and lost. i CANT stop thinking about the way i acted. im ashamed - wish i just threw her out the door.

 

Is this NORMAL?

 

Thanks to anyone that read this....

[mightycpa]

Is it normal? I think you were in denial, which is very normal. But you didn't have your anger until now, and barely so now, which is not so normal.

 

If you want the last laugh, you could write a note to her new BF via FB, and tell him you played Mr. Nice Guy right up until the end, and banged her at every turn until you helped her move out. Remind him that because she cheated on you, that it is only natural that she would cheat on him in return, but not to worry about it, because she doesn't think she did anything wrong.

 

Then tell him that you hope he's gets as lucky with her as you did.

 

I don't know. Would that make you feel better?

[NopeNah]

I agree,as usual,with cpa...I would have booted her out after the airport pickup(not even sure that I'd have picked her up). She was using you and your kindness as your weakness...let her go.

[Diezel]

Perspective:

 

She's the one who cheated. Your dignity is still intact.

[Light Breeze]

Perspective:

 

She's the one who cheated. Your dignity is still intact.

 

Indeed..

 

Man, I really hate it when cheaters go scot free.

 

Anyway, next time (I hope there wouldn't be any) just kick someone who cheats on you to the curb.

 

There is no excuse for cheating, none whatsoever.

[No Limit]

Your dignity is unharmed. She doesn't have hers anymore though.

[ZiggyZoo]

There's no such thing as "normal" when it comes to dealing with infidelity and a break-up. I don't think that you have anything to be ashamed of. You were trying to hang onto what you had, and she was in the wrong by letting it happen like that. She's already cheated on her new guy, which IS something to be ashamed of, in my opinion. But you didn't stalk her, beg, threaten, yell, any of that stuff that would cause ME to think that you should feel badly for how you handled it . Cut yourself some slack. None of us knows how we're going to handle this sort of thing until we're already there. And look around this site, you'll see that you did much better than most.

[Maverick27]

Thanks friends!

 

As much as i would like to get angry and get 'even', i dont feel like it's going to serve any purpose..

 

She called me all flustered yesterday (right after i made this post) asking for my help. she moved into a new place after leaving mine and hated it there, so now she got a new place (600m from mine!) and asked me to help her move some stuff because all of her friends bailed and she's run out of money.... Being Mr Nice guy, i said i'd help..reluctantly...

 

We were both being a little cold to each other in the beginning (awkwardness) but then we started laughing about thing etc. I told her that i was doing fine and that i'd been doing lots of new things with new people. She suddenly sprung to life and started being really expressive and loud and smiling etc. She then proceeded to tell me that she is going to fly to this other state to spend easter with this new guys family... (this new guy bought her plane tickets for her)

 

Felt like a competition?

 

I probably shouldnt have helped her move...but to be honest it helped me remember why i wasnt 'that' into the relationship in the first place. She is self -obsessed and talks alot....

 

The thing i'm having most trouble with is being 'Replaced' by this new guy - after such little time. I cant get over the thought that she has just 'forgotten' all the good times we had together and that once upon a time we were infatuated with each other. Really hurts.

[haribogumsnickers]

I feel for ya Mav, I mean she was your Goose. Not so much your navigator or co-pilot but your passenger as you piloted the relationship. So, that's partly the reason why she cheated and bailed on you which sucks but you said it yourself, you were "comfortable" at times with her as she was more into you. I can see how you've got mixed opinions on whether you lost your dignity by maintaining communication and helping her with the move but I personally think you lost no such dignity. To help her like that even after the way the BU went down, says a lot about your character. It's tough love learned but life goes on.

[Maverick27]

Thanks for your reply(s) - your spot on - she was always a passenger.

 

I may not have lost my dignity (according to you guys!) but i feel like she hasnt even considered the fact that she might have lost hers. She seriously does not seem to think she did anything wrong at all and has not considered my feelings...

 

How could she just casually drop 'oh yeah so im going to spend easter with the guy i cheated on you with' and think that would be ok?

 

I dont want to be cruel to her - but for my sake and the sake of her future partners, she needs to know that cheating is wrong and that when you get in a relationship you need to consider the other persons feelings...up until and including the end.

 

How can i do this? How can i make her realise just how much she hurt me? Or is it too late because i forgive her for it in the beginning...

 

Or maybe she has this new guy and just plain doesnt give a **** anymore!

[NopeNah]

Thanks for your reply(s) - your spot on - she was always a passenger.

 

I may not have lost my dignity (according to you guys!) but i feel like she hasnt even considered the fact that she might have lost hers. She seriously does not seem to think she did anything wrong at all and has not considered my feelings...

 

How could she just casually drop 'oh yeah so im going to spend easter with the guy i cheated on you with' and think that would be ok?

 

I dont want to be cruel to her - but for my sake and the sake of her future partners, she needs to know that cheating is wrong and that when you get in a relationship you need to consider the other persons feelings...up until and including the end.

 

How can i do this? How can i make her realise just how much she hurt me? Or is it too late because i forgive her for it in the beginning...

 

Or maybe she has this new guy and just plain doesnt give a **** anymore!

As soon as she told you about the trip to see another guy, I would have held whatever I was carrying of hers over my head, as I yawned, looked her in the eye and dropped it to the ground! Toss up the "peace" sign as I walked off.

[Maverick27]

I managed to display absolute indifference towards her comment at the time - which i was happy i was able to do.

[NopeNah]

I managed to display absolute indifference towards her comment at the time - which i was happy i was able to do.

 

I would have pulled a Lebron on that shlt! a behind the back,backboard shattering,slam dunk!

 

Seriously though...I would have not helped her move.

[mightycpa]

I managed to display absolute indifference towards her comment at the time - which i was happy i was able to do.

You know, I think it is very strange that you came here so concerned about your dignity, only to hand it over one more time to her. You must be one of those "nice guys" to women who always finishes last. The reason she felt perfectly comfortable telling you about her Easter plans is because she knows you. She knew you'd put on a brave face while lugging her stuff to the truck. Did you pay the truck rental fee too?

 

Even her friends bailed on her, but not you, Mr. Jilted. Or is that Mr. Cuckolded? You could be counted on because you're a reliable friend, except you forgot she's not your friend, not your girlfriend, and definitely not your problem.

 

Did "600m" mean 600 meters? If so, not only do you get to watch her come and go with the new BF for the next year, you also get to be the guy she comes to when she needs a cup of sugar to bake her man a cake. Maybe she'll ask to borrow condoms from you when they run out.

 

My advice is you'd better learn how to say no before Easter, because that's when she's going to need a ride to the airport.

[Zapbasket]

While I don't condone cheating under any circumstances, I don't think your loss of dignity has to do with your kindness towards her after you found out she cheated. I think you lost dignity when you knew you didn't care as much for her as she for you, when you acknowledged you didn't treat her with the same level of solicitude with which she treated you through the relationship, and then suddenly, when she decides she has had enough of feeling second-best (granted, in a very non-commendable way), you are hurt and feeling betrayed and STILL more concerned with yourself than with how it might feel when someone is 100% all in and in love with you and you're just, as you put it, "comfortable."

 

The thing is, SHE felt betrayed by the whole relationship with you. Now, this doesn't in any way justify her cheating, but take the betrayal you feel now and multiply it by ten, and then stretch it out like taffy over the whole duration of your relationship, and that's how YOUR treatment of HER made HER feel.

 

Again, she should have made a better choice than to cheat, but when you spend a whole relationship wondering why you somehow can't manage to inspire the kind of love and loving treatment from your partner that you crave, you're so confused by the mixed messages that you blame yourself and if you are weak, then any caring attention from another romantically viable person will prove irresistible.

 

The lesson for you here is not to stay in a relationship where you KNOW the love is imbalanced. It's not fair to the other person, but it's also not fair to you to spend your time just passing time with someone until someone better comes along. You're worried about dignity? Then only stay in relationships where you're 100% all in, where you're willing to risk being vulnerable and hurt because you care so much, and where your love expresses itself naturally and easily because there is so much of it.

 

Stop acting like you were wronged in this scenario. You contributed heavily to the circumstances that led your ex to stray, so own up to that and vow never to do it again. THAT will be the restoration of "dignity" that you so desire.

[Karin2rinkashi]

You know, I think it is very strange that you came here so concerned about your dignity, only to hand it over one more time to her. You must be one of those "nice guys" to women who always finishes last. The reason she felt perfectly comfortable telling you about her Easter plans is because she knows you. She knew you'd put on a brave face while lugging her stuff to the truck. Did you pay the truck rental fee too?

 

Even her friends bailed on her, but not you, Mr. Jilted. Or is that Mr. Cuckolded? You could be counted on because you're a reliable friend, except you forgot she's not your friend, not your girlfriend, and definitely not your problem.

 

Did "600m" mean 600 meters? If so, not only do you get to watch her come and go with the new BF for the next year, you also get to be the guy she comes to when she needs a cup of sugar to bake her man a cake. Maybe she'll ask to borrow condoms from you when they run out.

 

My advice is you'd better learn how to say no before Easter, because that's when she's going to need a ride to the airport.

 

 

HARSH, but TRUE!

[Zapbasket]

cheating is wrong

 

Yes...

 

and that when you get in a relationship you need to consider the other persons feelings...up until and including the end.

 

...but here is where you need to take your own advice. No one wants to spend a whole relationship feeling only like an "option" to the other person.

[No Limit]

Well ok, now you might have lost some dignity/manhood for helping her move. No contact means no contact, and quit helping her.

[jen1447]

Hm, really a mixed bag here. She was obvs wrong to go behind your back, and she does sound like a princess with the accepting your apology for her cheating stuff and feeling free and clear. She has some growing up to do. But you're the real conundrum.

 

First of all, it sounds like the reality is that you actually worshiped her, and she maybe was the ambivalent one. It may not have been that way from the get-go, but sometimes relationship dynamics change, and sometimes we're not aware when they do. Whatever the case, by the end, she was the one with all the power. That's the only explanation for her blatant lying and cheating being ok in both of your books, and for your need to apologize and her acceptance of it. No offense, but it sounds like you were her bitch.

 

However, unlike many here, I think you're on the right track with how you've been treating her since you separated. That's because it's not really a question of what she deserves, but a question of maintaining or regaining some dignity. The best way to go about doing that is to ALWAYS take the high road. It may feel much better to try to get digs in on her, but in the end it never actually plays that way for anyone but you. If you did that, she'd just think of you as whiny bitch. Now at least she has some affectionate feelings for you in reflection. You may not think that matters, but it often does, because despite our grudges, very few people want them to go on forever. You're just punishing yourself when you do that. What we really want is some degree of reconciliation, and knowing that she thinks you're ok - even if her opinion doesn't and shouldn't matter - will make you feel better in the long run than having called her a "whore" or whatever as you ran away.

 

So even if you lost some dignity by letting her off the hook so easily and ....being something of a p*ssy in general, you hung into some by not being a whiny bitch.

 

In that regard, I'd keep that attitude up, but I'd politely decline any future pleas for help. You could easily do that in the context of fostering the notion of there being a healthy distance between the two of you in order to promote her new 'independence' and 'freedom.' "I really want to help, but we need to find our separate ways now baby. It's best for the both of us." Etc.

 

Maybe she'll ask to borrow condoms from you when they run out.

LMAO. Learn to laugh at yourself Maverick, because you deserve some of this. If you keep helping her, she'll eventually have you washing her panties while she bangs the new BF in the other room. At your place.