10 years together, a new house, then this.

[dave_1966]

Well, I was hoping to never use this forum again, but here goes. I'm 48 and Jules is 46. I've been with Jules (name slightly changed) for almost ten years. I met her at her at a party in Bristol through a mutual friend, and went back to her place that night. We fell in love, and this was the beginning of almost five years of long distance relationship spent shuttling between my home in London and her place in Bristol before she eventually moved in with me in London back in Autumn 2010.

 

I was warned after meeting her by a friend who knew someone she'd had a brief fling with her that she was quite an insecure woman, but I thought 'heck, I'm an insecure guy, it'll be fine'. From day one I could see that that this was the case, she told me half a dozen times a day she loved me and asked why I didn't do the same. I replied that if I told her once a day that I loved her 110% that it would be more special. This extended to her lovemaking, that if the mojo wasn't working on a given night that she took this so personal that I could sense the concern that I may not find her desirable. She would look so upset, even though the next morning I would rise to the occasion and we'd both have a lovely time.

 

Being in her late thirties around this time, she wanted to have children. It's fair to say I was like the Duracell bunny in this phase of our relationship. However, there was no pregnancy and after clinical tests it was discovered that she was early menopause and that any children would be adopted. I had to ask myself how much I wanted children, and decided that I loved her so much that I'd prefer to be with her and concentrate on just having a great relationship without them. I stood by her during this difficult part of our relationship, and reassured her that everything would be great. The sex continued to be challenging, it was pressurising to be expected to perform or see her get really insecure about her desirability. It started to cause a block in my head, as I need to be very relaxed to make love satisfactorily.

 

So, she moved up to London, and got a good job really quickly. She was even surprised at this, and I told her she got the job because she was amazing socially and had the correct CV. I have a very pressured freelance career, working odd hours weekdays, and I told Jules that Monday to Thursday she should entertain her girlfriends but the weekends would be our time. Jules was rather too good socially actually, an unhappy experience as a child led her to develop an enormous circle of friends, so many I couldn't keep track of them. She would say that so and so was coming to stay this weekend, or she was going to have a girls weekend away and I'd wonder who the hell all these people were. Inevitably it was someone she met backpacking years ago, or otherwise her friends from Wiltshire or Leicester. I soon realised that pretty much every other weekend there'd be someone or other staying over or she'd be away. I didn't mind this sometimes, I like some space, but she swamped any social life with my friends. The list of friends was endless, and some were nice and others not so nice. Ellen, her childhood friend from Scotland, was not so nice. So, having moved up to London, I now realised that her social life was enormous. I knew this before she moved in, she'd warned me, but her life was full of the sort of people whom I felt were a mixture of freeloaders and neurotics who were all take but no give. She would be on the phone for hours, counselling the sort of people who would never give her the time of day if she needed help. still, I knew the importance of these people and didn't say a word. I was lucky to have one weekend a month alone, just the two of us. She expected to turn me on like a dildo when we were intimate at these times, despite the fact that she was so often not there. This 'intimacy' was challenging to say the least.

 

Last year we moved from my apartment to a large house nearby in London, one that needed a little work but ticked all the boxes for us. I asked if she wanted to be on the mortgage, and due to commitments on the place she had in Bristol renting out she declined. I proceeded to go ahead with the sale under my own name, blowing my savings whilst the deal would be that she would spend her own money fitting it out to her taste. She went ahead, fitting a new bathroom, a walk in wardrobe, new windows etc. A fair bit of building work and money. That was the last six months of 2014. During this time, she was still very pressurising with sex, and I now had a mental block with it. Sometimes, if she wasn't so uptight, I could perform. But now she'd started telling me within two minutes of any intimacy that I needed to see a doctor and get some viagra. This would just kill the moment for me. I was now also on tablets for anxiety, something which I'm also convinced fed off her insecurities.

 

After Christmas, with no builders in the house, we discussed that we needed time to ourselves. I told her that we needed to relax back in to proper intimacy, and set about that. We had a few weekends to ourselves, and started building on it again. New furniture, bathroom fittings, still being delivered to the house. So, on February 7th, I woke up in our new bed and leaned over to kiss her. She was crying, and came out with the immortal 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' line. We had last made love a fortnight before, and I was wanting to pursue this intimacy in the new home we were creating. I was completely smashed sideways, this was the last thing I expected from someone who was actually taking delivery of bedroom furniture that very morning. She even went away on Sunday to shop with her friend Sarah, but came back early I think on Sarahs advice. I did not respond to her calls that day, telling her that they were to make her feel better and not me. I spent a few days reeling from this, whilst she became completely cold in every way to me. She told me that she no longer found me attractive at all, and I instantly went in to 'who's she shagging' mode. I spent a week in this mindset, whilst she came home early pretty much all week (for a change) to make sure I was eating properly. I told her not to bother. My valentines day was the worst one of my life, no card and overhearing her redirecting her mail to her ******* friend Ellen's place. Ellen even kindly offered to help her move her stuff out of my house. By now she had suggested counselling, and we'd already had the preliminary sessions. I asked her, on Valentines day, if there was somebody else. She said no. The following week I managed to just about function, and not blow my top. We had another counselling session coming up on the Saturday, and I raised a few concerns about how I felt about things. Upon leaving this session the councellor mentioned that he was around the following weekend, but not the after. I asked Jules about making another appointment knowing she was off to Scotland the next weekend to see her folks, and whether she would consider cancelling that trip to salvage the relationship. No, came the answer. When we got home I asked again, again no. Perhaps counselling on Friday, and then her trip to Scotland would be a breather for us? No, came the answer. Basically, I then told her that as I thought she would be most likely looking for a flatshare (which I knew she was) that I had no intention of being used like this and I wanted her out tonight. Being late on Saturday, she offered to find a hotel, but I let her stay in the spare room. The following day I got her to pack a two week suitcase, and dropped her off at the tube so she could sleep on a friends sofa. I told her I didn't want to speak to her for at least a fortnight. Well, she didn't wait a fortnight, she called me tonight from Scotland and said it's over. She wants to collect her stuff ASAP, and she's off to a friends place where there's a spare room. I am absolutely shellshocked, a fortnight with someone who I couldn't recognise as the charming lovely woman I loved for ten years. She says no more counselling, that's a waste of money. I told her that was so disrespectful to our ten years together, I stood by her through thick and thin. She mentioned compromises, that I never wanted to marry her. This is all the proof I need with regards to marriage, she would have pulled this trick even if she'd been my wife.

 

Discuss.

[carhill]

Yikes, an old-timer. Sorry you had to return under such circumstances.

 

As times here on LS have changed, as has the internet, I'd suggest alerting if, on second blush, some of the information is too personal.

 

My first instinct, albeit premature, is that she's been thinking the relationship with you and feeling it with someone else. Hope I'm wrong about that.

 

In any event, welcome back and there's some solid folks here who can certainly engage you.

[dave_1966]

Yikes, an old-timer. Sorry you had to return under such circumstances.

 

As times here on LS have changed, as has the internet, I'd suggest alerting if, on second blush, some of the information is too personal.

 

My first instinct, albeit premature, is that she's been thinking the relationship with you and feeling it with someone else. Hope I'm wrong about that.

 

In any event, welcome back and there's some solid folks here who can certainly engage you.

 

It's hardly personal as it's so anonymous with names changed, but expand on your comment about 'someone else'? This has been done so brutally that even though she says there's nobody else, I can't help thinking that there is. Absolutely blindsided by it to be honest, caught me completely unaware. I'm not eating, and I feel broken.

[Kinetica84]

It's hardly personal as it's so anonymous with names changed, but expand on your comment about 'someone else'? This has been done so brutally that even though she says there's nobody else, I can't help thinking that there is. Absolutely blindsided by it to be honest, caught me completely unaware. I'm not eating, and I feel broken.

 

Wow man. I feel for you truly.

 

Have to say, I get the sense there is another guy. She may not have physically cheated but emotionally she is into someone else I feel.

 

Given her characteristics this doesn't surprise me. She seems to thrive on attention, hence so many friends and she will go to anyone who gives that attention.

 

Her emotional needs are immense and I dony think anyone can truly for fill that for her because clearly she doesn't love herself.

 

I'm speaking from experience mate. 3 year relationship went tits up in a similar fashion to yours. Found out she was cheating and living with another guy within 2 weeks of me asking her to leave the property I own but moved in together. She also had similar issues to jukes.

 

I know it's hard but cut her out and move on. You deserve better.

 

I could be wrong about another guy but women don't just emotionally check out it happens over time.