mrmayhem675 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 My ex pursued me for a long time, and I finally gave her a chance and things went great for about six months. Also it's important that you know how crazy my ex was about me so you'll understand why I'm confused. This girl pursued me for over a year. She fell in love with me before I did her in the relationship and she was crazy about me. She has kids and immediately asked me to move in with her and talked very early about me adopting her kids. I moved in, I know bad decision but whatever. When she started the adoption talk I was reluctant it's too soon etc. She also kept nagging me about marrying her only three months in, and even took family photos with me. I was a little sketched out but I took them with her, and no I didn't marry her haha. I eventually fell hard for her and even harder fir her kids. Everything went great until about six months in. She took something I said the wrong way and just wouldn't let it go, we argued everyday for a month. When I say argue I don't mean like yell or anything like that. I'm a very level headed guy and she's the hot headed one who'd stay mad forever. Anyway she came home from work one day and just broke up with me out of the blue. I got my stuff and left, told her not to contact me because it'd make it worse and was going to move on. I found out three dats later she's been trying to contact me like crazy. I didn't know because my crazy mom blocked her number without telling me. My ex was devastated, crying at work not able to function etc. So I finally called her and she said she needed time to see if she wanted to give it another go. I said okay and waited patiently while she toyed with my emotions. She finally decided yes and I moved back in. Everything was good for about a month and we bickered a little bit but not much. She started acting different, sort of distant. She claimed I was smothering her, I was needy, and she wanted to hangout with her friends. So she went out drinking at a bar without me which I wasn't happy about bit I trusted her at the time. Also while this is going on we quit having sex, we used to everyday, she even quit kissing me. She stopped telling me where she was going, never texted me. I confronted her about it one night and she said she didn't want to talk about it. Understandy I was upset and kept pressing the issue. She was mad after that and wouldn't let me live it down. She claimed I was overbearing because I demanded an answer. Well she came home from work again one day and broke up with me again, said she just didn't feel the same way about me, it wasn't working. She also gave me bull excuses like were just not compatible, no similar interests, claimed we argued all the time which wasn't true just seemed like she was pulling reasons out of a hat. Her ex was abusive physically and mentally. She's used to being hit, thrown around, and called everything in the book so use having a disagreement Everynow and then doesn't justify it in my book. Overall it made no sense and I don't understand how she can go to not being able to function crying at work to dumping me again. I tried to reason with her a couple times after the breakup through text but I didn't do anything stupid like beg. She ignored me and when she finally did respond she was mean. I then went no contact for about forty five days then broke it because my mail had been sent to her house and I needed it. I asked her if she'd like to grab something to eat and talk about things. She said she can't because she's talking to someone else. I asked who and are wouldn't say but she says they started talking three weeks ago so roughly I month after we broke up but that could be a lie too. I did verify from someone else that she is talking to someone and it isn't the baby daddy. So I'm left with all the questions, no answers. How could she move on so fast, did they talk while we were together. Also how can she go from so in love with me to not caring in a months time after I was nothing but good to her, paid half her bills and treated her kids like mine?
Zahara Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 This isn't love. She never truly loved you in a healthy and true sense. All that moving forward fast and furious in the beginning comes from emotional dysfunction. Push and pull. Crying one day and cold the next. And no sane and healthy mother/woman moves a man immediately into her home, tries to make him daddy to her kids and pushes to get married 3 months into it. You're confusing love with toxicity. She sounds BPD to me. 3
Author mrmayhem675 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 This isn't love. She never truly loved you in a healthy and true sense. All that moving forward fast and furious in the beginning comes from emotional dysfunction. Push and pull. Crying one day and cold the next. And no sane and healthy mother/woman moves a man immediately into her home, tries to make him daddy to her kids and pushes to get married 3 months into it. You're confusing love with toxicity. She sounds BPD to me. That's crazy you said BPD. At the beginning of the relationship she told me two separate doctors diagnosed her with BPD, she used to take medication but no longer takes it. I didn't believe it at the time but yeah I can see it now. Her mother I know for a fact is legit crazy.
Zahara Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 That's crazy you said BPD. At the beginning of the relationship she told me two separate doctors diagnosed her with BPD, she used to take medication but no longer takes it. I didn't believe it at the time but yeah I can see it now. That should have sent you running for the hills! She openly told you that and you stayed? Thank god you didn't marry her because I can't imagine the crap hole you'd be sitting in. Probably taking care of her and her kids and riding an emotional rollercoaster from hell. 2
EgoJoe Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 There are many forums de dedicated specifically to the spouses and former partners of people suffering from BPD. Note that I say suffering from BPD because it is a terrible group of ingrained behaviors. bpdfamily.com is a personal favorite. 1
Author mrmayhem675 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 That should have sent you running for the hills! She openly told you that and you stayed? Thank god you didn't marry her because I can't imagine the crap hole you'd be sitting in. Probably taking care of her and her kids and riding an emotional rollercoaster from hell. Yeah you're right but unfortunely I care deeply for her and her kids. I helped raise the youngest from time shortly after being born and bonded with both of them. I'd like to get her help and standby her so because I do care about her a lot, believe I still love her and I want her kids to have a father because I don't see another guy showing up and caring about them like I do. I haven't given up on her even though I don't contact her. I shouldn't care at all after the way I've been treated but I guess I'm too nice of a guy.
Author mrmayhem675 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 There are many forums de dedicated specifically to the spouses and former partners of people suffering from BPD. Note that I say suffering from BPD because it is a terrible group of ingrained behaviors. bpdfamily.com is a personal favorite. What do you mean by ingrained behaviors?
Zahara Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Yeah you're right but unfortunely I care deeply for her and her kids. I helped raise the youngest from time shortly after being born and bonded with both of them. I'd like to get her help and standby her so because I do care about her a lot, believe I still love her and I want her kids to have a father because I don't see another guy showing up and caring about them like I do. I haven't given up on her even though I don't contact her. I shouldn't care at all after the way I've been treated but I guess I'm too nice of a guy. You need a big knock over the head. People that have ingrained and deep seated behavioral problems like this don't change and can't be fixed. She even told you she went to two doctors and was diagnosed with BPD and she stopped taking her meds. Even if she made an effort to change, it takes long term effort and commitment to cope with her issues, they however don't go away. She can't even take her meds and you want to help her? You need help. You have to question your own mindset to allow yourself to continue engaging in this toxicity. They are not your children. They are hers and her responsibility. You are no more responsible for her or her kids. Loving someone isn't enough when all the other areas in building a solid foundation are lacking. And stop playing knight in shining armor to the rescue. The first person you should rescue is yourself. You're not a nice guy, you're a doormat. A nice guy can still have healthy boundaries and understand that at some point, he has to change the focus on his own wellbeing. A man that has zero boundaries and goes above and beyond because of "love" even when that "love" is unhealthy and coming at the expense of his own emotional and mental health is a doormat. Edited February 25, 2015 by Zahara 2
EgoJoe Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 BPD is not a disease it's a classification of behavioral patterns that stem from an altered perspective and is a maladaptive coping strategy. You can never help her. You can only set boundaries. Please, go to the forum I recommended in my previous post.
Author mrmayhem675 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 So basically she is beyond help. I understand where you're coming from Zahara but I think you have the wrong idea here. I don't see where I need rescuing, sure I miss them but if she has done what she's done there isn't anything I can do about it. I'll check out those forums. And you are right about the doormat thing but I cut that out and that's when our problems arose.
Author mrmayhem675 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Oh I thought BPD meant bipolar disorder not borderline personality disorder. She told me she had bipolar disorder.
Zahara Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 So basically she is beyond help. I understand where you're coming from Zahara but I think you have the wrong idea here. I don't see where I need rescuing, sure I miss them but if she has done what she's done there isn't anything I can do about it. I'll check out those forums. And you are right about the doormat thing but I cut that out and that's when our problems arose. Rescuing yourself as in saving yourself from this dysfunction.
Quiet Storm Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 As much as I feel sorry for those kids and know how much I know they need a stable force in their lives, I don't think you should sacrifice your life for them. You've described many borderline behaviors- the drama, black and white thinking (loving you to hating you), she fell in love hard and fast, impulsively moving you in with her kids after just meeting you, family portraits?, adopting her kids. A borderline's emotions overwhelm them. They are very immature...my sister is BPD in her mid thirties and still behaves emotionally like a 15 year old. She is a mom to a son who's suffering due to her choices, which are driven entirely by what emotion she is feeling at that moment. When she loves you, she loves you. But when she hates you, she HATES you. I think a life with your GF 's constant drama and breakups will get old after awhile. Whether bipolar or BPD, why put yourself through this? It sounds like you haven't had enough yet, but when you do, the kids will suffer even more from the loss of you because they will grow more attached. Just try to get over it and move on.
Author mrmayhem675 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 As much as I feel sorry for those kids and know how much I know they need a stable force in their lives, I don't think you should sacrifice your life for them. You've described many borderline behaviors- the drama, black and white thinking (loving you to hating you), she fell in love hard and fast, impulsively moving you in with her kids after just meeting you, family portraits?, adopting her kids. A borderline's emotions overwhelm them. They are very immature...my sister is BPD in her mid thirties and still behaves emotionally like a 15 year old. She is a mom to a son who's suffering due to her choices, which are driven entirely by what emotion she is feeling at that moment. When she loves you, she loves you. But when she hates you, she HATES you. I think a life with your GF 's constant drama and breakups will get old after awhile. Whether bipolar or BPD, why put yourself through this? It sounds like you haven't had enough yet, but when you do, the kids will suffer even more from the loss of you because they will grow more attached. Just try to get over it and move on. I feel yah man. In her defense she hadn't just met me. We worked closely together at a job for two years so she did knowe some but still not enough to let me around the kids like that. I'm solid guy but she didn't know that she just knew me from work.
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