Soundstick Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Hello folks, I have a question for everyone. I'll try to keep it short since I know how long winded these things can get. 25M & 26F 2 year + relationship. Broken up 5 months now, havent spoken to her since BU She started acting differently, I could tell things were off. She said she isn't sure what she wants in life but didn't want to breakup. I kept saying things along the line of "couples work through their problems, lets work on it together" and I didn't seem to get anywhere (it seemed we were going to work on it together at one point, then went back to her wanting some time.) I finally issued an ultimatum (reluctantly) saying either we work on it, or that's it. She chose the later. Now who would have to go back to who? She was the one giving me clear signs (lying about them, saying it was stress and work ect) that something was off. She said she wasn't sure what she wants in her life, but knows how happy I make her. Didn't want to breakup, though every action and sign pointed to yes. I really feel like I was forced to breakup to carry the guilt. Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions. She truly does sound like confused young women.
mightycpa Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 She truly does sound like confused young women. It sounds like you're confused. You issued an ultimatum. Your bluff was called and she refused to cave. Now you're looking for a way to undo what you've done, I guess without withdrawing the ultimatum? Or does this cooling-off period count as "working on it"? Maybe you were right and she forced your hand. Maybe you were wrong and you forced her hand. Either way, your ultimatum did a lot of damage. Five months of silence is pretty serious business, and it allowed her to experience life without you. She may have taken a liking to it, or she might not like it but is unwilling to take another chance on you. Her silence speaks volumes to me. Clearly, the onus is on you to make first contact. Don't be surprised if you're rebuffed.
jus d'orange Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 With the amount of time that has passed, I would say you're in a position to contact her and ask her if she would be interested in reconciling, if that's what you want. It sounds like you want what you had, but it also sounds like you may hold some grudges against her, which you would not be able to carry healthily into the new relationship. I'd ask yourself the following things: 1. Do I forgive her for feeling cold, for pulling away, for choosing to walk away when I gave her an ultimatum? 2. Do I forgive myself for giving an ultimatum, possibly causing the end of the relationship? 3. Do I want to have a new relationship with her? 4. Could I handle being rejected if we talk again? If the answer to all of these is yes, I'd imagine it would be up to you to get in touch with her. If the answer to any of them is no, I'd advise you move on, at least for the time being.
PegNosePete Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 She said she isn't sure what she wants in life You know in almost all cases when these words are uttered, there is a 3rd party involved. She wanted time to figure out if the grass really was greener or not. I guess if it wasn't, she'd have come back already. You could give it a go but as mighty says, don't be surprised if she says no or simply doesn't respond. 1
Toodaloo Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 You know in almost all cases when these words are uttered, there is a 3rd party involved. She wanted time to figure out if the grass really was greener or not. I guess if it wasn't, she'd have come back already. You could give it a go but as mighty says, don't be surprised if she says no or simply doesn't respond. She didn't work on it because she didn't want to. Your ultimatum was her excuse and easy way out. Time to move on OP. Listen to Peg Nose and CPA.
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Neither of you goes back. The issues that broke you up haven't been resolved. There is nothing to go back to. You may have been the one who said the words but she is the one who checked out of your relationship. Move forward not backward in life.
Author Soundstick Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 It sounds like you're confused. You issued an ultimatum. Your bluff was called and she refused to cave. Now you're looking for a way to undo what you've done, I guess without withdrawing the ultimatum? Or does this cooling-off period count as "working on it"? Maybe you were right and she forced your hand. Maybe you were wrong and you forced her hand. Either way, your ultimatum did a lot of damage. Five months of silence is pretty serious business, and it allowed her to experience life without you. She may have taken a liking to it, or she might not like it but is unwilling to take another chance on you. Her silence speaks volumes to me. Clearly, the onus is on you to make first contact. Don't be surprised if you're rebuffed. Yes, I shouldn't have issued the ultimatum. I know this. I tried to talk after the ultimatum but she declined. I mention she sounds confused because 90% of her actions signaled she was going to breakup. I even asked her for reassurance that this are okay and she couldn't give a straight answer "confused with life, don't know where I'm headed". She had been offered a job which would have required her to move about 16 hrs away and she wasn't sure about it. It appears now she has declined the job. She broke up with me before because she said she wasn't happy, that was a year ago for only 2 months when she came back. It was almost like textbook, the same thing over again. She hasn't contacted me directly, but made 2 efforts through my mom (on Christmas) and when I ran into her mom once. This silence is because we called it a Breakup, and went NC. I told her the first time we broke up that I wish not to hear from her so that I can move on. She respected my wishes. Ultimately, I believe she didn't do enough for herself the first time around, and wanted some time off to work on herself.
mightycpa Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I mention she sounds confused because 90% of her actions signaled she was going to breakup...This silence is because we called it a Breakup, and went NC. I told her the first time we broke up that I wish not to hear from her so that I can move on. She respected my wishes. And now, 100% of her actions signal breakup. You seem to be having problems accepting this situation. It might help to talk to her. I believe that will give you the clarity you're seeking.
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 If you broke up previously, this relationship was seriously unhealthy already. all the more reason not to go back. Let it & her go. 1
Toodaloo Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Yes, I shouldn't have issued the ultimatum. I know this. I tried to talk after the ultimatum but she declined. Because she wanted an excuse to get out of the relationship. She does not want you back. Get over it and put your efforts into someone who gives a damn about you. 2
mightycpa Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Because she wanted an excuse to get out of the relationship. She does not want you back. Get over it and put your efforts into someone who gives a damn about you. Damn! You are on a tear today!
palmer14 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 My ex did something similar to yours. She kept going back and forth between being happy and saying she had doubts about us. She withdrew so much that I had to say something similar to what you did, and she jumped on that opportunity and ended it. I think that if is has been that long without talking to you she might be happier without you, but I guess you won't know for sure what she is feeling if you don't ask her, if you can handle being rejected by her.
Toodaloo Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Damn! You are on a tear today! Its probably PMT... the lads brought me chocolate with out complaining this morning. One of the chaps from my afternoon job has already gone to get some chocolate hob nobs with out complaining, he even offered to get Foxes chocolate shortcakes if there are no hob nobs... There were not even that many references to my weight and do I really want to get fat again from any of them... Apparently I don't need to watch my waistline as they are watching it for me... Looks like I might be asked to do some credit control in a bit! God I wish I had been like this last year! (and the year before that and the year before that!)
Author Soundstick Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) Thanks guys. I've been doing well, taking up some new hobbies and dating around a little. Not sure why this week has made me question things again. It's been a long time since I've been on here. Perhaps it was that Valentines Day BS everyone buys into each year. Its sort of like I randomly pulled a 180, from doing great on my own to questioning weather or not the time off has helped us both. I honestly was okay with being broken up, knowing I deserve better. Yes, I overreacted - I explained and apologized this to her a few days after. I was content with being alone and broken up.... I'm not sure why there was this change in the past couple of days. Perhaps I saw it as a breakup then maybe a while down the road something will happen again when we've both done things for ourselves. Edited February 19, 2015 by Soundstick
Toodaloo Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Thanks guys. I've been doing well, taking up some new hobbies and dating around a little. Not sure why this week has made me question things again. It's been a long time since I've been on here. Perhaps it was that Valentines Day BS everyone buys into each year. Its sort of like I randomly pulled a 180, from doing great on my own to questioning weather or not the time off has helped us both. I honestly was okay with being broken up, knowing I deserve better. Yes, I overreacted - I explained and apologized this to her a few days after. I was content with being alone and broken up.... I'm not sure why there was this change in the past couple of days. Perhaps I saw it as a breakup then maybe a while down the road something will happen again when we've both done things for ourselves. Please don't go back down the "I am becoming a weird stalker ex" route again... Just leave her alone - you will get over it. We all do eventually.
Author Soundstick Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Please don't go back down the "I am becoming a weird stalker ex" route again... Just leave her alone - you will get over it. We all do eventually. What do you mean "go back down" that route again.. I never did do that or done anything that would be considered stalking or prying for information. I have her blocked from everything but Facebook. We're still friends, but I've checked her page a single time since we broke up. I actually stopped going on FB for a while which helped quite a bit. I know, time heals all wounds. I know I've been doing great, up until a few days ago...almost like something sparked the thought of her in my head. Which is what lead me to post here.
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