Rainoflight Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) I met this girl last spring, we spent the summer together, but at the end of the holiday, she had to leave for France to study there. At first we decide to try the long distance thing. It was hard, but we were in love and things seemed that it will work. Two months in, and she finally tells me that she is in love with me. I was to happiest person alive, but from that moment, all went to ****. Soon after that, maybe in 3 weeks, we had an arguement and she said that i do not support her and i am not happy for her. That shocked me because i was always there for her, always. My only wrong was that i told her if this works, i want to come and be with her next year. Time passed. After that arguement, things changed, she started acting cold and i finally snapped and talked with her. After a day, she became again the woman that i felt in love. Fast forward, it was almost 10 of december (in a week, i was going to Paris to spend the holidays with her) and she said to me that i am the man of her dreams, at that point, she wants to be with me forever. I went there and we spent some excelent moments. I came back, it lasted 3 days. After those 3 days, she became again very distant. I finally talked to her and asked what does she want. She said she doesnt know, i decided to stop the relashionship, i was hoping she would react, but she did not. She said that after i left, it was to hard for her and she wanted to end the relashionship, but she wants me. I went NC, but i feel i am dying. Now here is our backgrounds: Me: 27 years, grew up in a happy house, my parents have 35 years of marriage. Good job, stable finacially. Her: 25, grew up in a divorced familly, both of her parents died when she was 18, since that moment she became independent, had to support herself. Help. I am really sad that as hours and days pass, i see that has no intention of doing something to save us. Edited January 22, 2015 by Rainoflight
umirano Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I've never tried to convince someone to be with me. Do you think it would work with your ex? If you don't think so, preserve your dignity and stay NC. She may come around or she may not. But throwing yourself to her feet will hardly earn you respect. Stick to NC for a while. Go out and get busy.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 I've never tried to convince someone to be with me. Do you think it would work with your ex? If you don't think so, preserve your dignity and stay NC. She may come around or she may not. But throwing yourself to her feet will hardly earn you respect. Stick to NC for a while. Go out and get busy. I can't do that. The night we broke up, we did it on Skype and i was almost shouting: say something, anything, can't you see you are losing me? Same as that terrible comercial song lyric: say something i am giving up on you. She was crying and looking at me saying i don't know what to say. That broke my heart. She had no ideea how to keep me. I can't and will not contact her. But it hurts inside to see when i needed her the most, she did not give a crap about me. Beside that, it hurts that her motive was: it was to hard after you left. We both knew that, but we would had met in 2 months. It hurts because i can't know and i actually don't know the reason she acted like this.
EgoJoe Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 She's single in France and has been acting as such the entire time. Good job sticking to your guns. In time she will possibly realize this. By then you will have found a Woman worthy of you.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 I am really having hard time understanding this: She was completely different here. Our relashionship here was perfect. When she went there, she changed. Why, how? I am going back to that period of time when we were so happy together in the same place. Yes, it was the begining, but everything seems like it was ment to be.
fromheart Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I am really having hard time understanding this: She was completely different here. Our relashionship here was perfect. When she went there, she changed. Why, how? Because thats the way she was all along. Now you know her. And think of it this way, thats what you're getting after 3 days. Could you live with someone like that? marry and have kids with them? Sometimes we fall in love with the good aspects of a person, but its not until we spend some time with them and see all the stuff that is covered up, that we can make a balanced decision to be with that person on a deeper, more committed level. Sometimes it can take years to get to see that part of someone. I sympathize with what she has been through but you have to ask yourself what action is she taking to get herself better, to lift the trauma she's been through? If the answer is nothing, then that is the way she is going to be. I'd say you're making a common mistake that I make, in falling in love with a woman and instantly wanting to be with her forever. It takes time to work that out. In the meanwhile you should really just work on your own thing and have fun with the girl. Let her come to you. Remain busy and don't be too available. There's only one thing you can do now and thats what I'm doing with my recent ex. Walk on, work on your own life and rest assured that if she is the one for you, she'll come back. If not, there's someone else out there.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 Because thats the way she was all along. Now you know her. And think of it this way, thats what you're getting after 3 days. Could you live with someone like that? marry and have kids with them? Sometimes we fall in love with the good aspects of a person, but its not until we spend some time with them and see all the stuff that is covered up, that we can make a balanced decision to be with that person on a deeper, more committed level. Sometimes it can take years to get to see that part of someone. I sympathize with what she has been through but you have to ask yourself what action is she taking to get herself better, to lift the trauma she's been through? If the answer is nothing, then that is the way she is going to be. I'd say you're making a common mistake that I make, in falling in love with a woman and instantly wanting to be with her forever. It takes time to work that out. In the meanwhile you should really just work on your own thing and have fun with the girl. Let her come to you. Remain busy and don't be too available. There's only one thing you can do now and thats what I'm doing with my recent ex. Walk on, work on your own life and rest assured that if she is the one for you, she'll come back. If not, there's someone else out there. Thank your for the kind words. Today it was the first day i almost texted her, but i managed to keep it together. Sadly, when we met, our short period together was incredible. We spent almost 24/7 together, went in two holidays together. Those incredible moments made me want to be with her and i think, there i made the biggest mistake i could have done, i said: listen, if this works, i would want to move where you want to be. Give it up all here and come be with you. I really highlighted the words: IF and would move. but in a distance amount of time, maybe one year or more. I am afraid she understood that i want to move there now. I explained it every time, but she had this idea stucked in her head. After she said i love you and took it back, i stopped talking about me going there and i felt she did not like that very much. I want her more than anything in my life, but she is a mess. Last week she had chose a place where she need to do a second year internship at school. She changed her mind 20 times in one hour. And this is her future we are talking about.
fromheart Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 You can't drop everything and move for a girl, that will never work. The only reason you should move country is because you want to move to that country. Be on your path of strength and security, then they come to you. It really is the only way. That might be why she is chopping and changing her feelings. Sorry if it hurts to read that, I'm going through the same thing myself. She does sound insecure, and that is definitely contributing to the problems you've been having in hooking up. The only way is to continue to not contact her, and work on yourself.
Itspointless Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Sadly, when we met, our short period together was incredible. We spent almost 24/7 together, went in two holidays together. Those incredible moments made me want to be with her and i think, there i made the biggest mistake i could have done, i said: listen, if this works, i would want to move where you want to be. Give it up all here and come be with you. I really highlighted the words: IF and would move. but in a distance amount of time, maybe one year or more. I am afraid she understood that i want to move there now. I explained it every time, but she had this idea stucked in her head. I don't think so, perhaps you should read up on adult attachment styles. My guess is that your love became to real to bare for her.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 I don't think so, perhaps you should read up on adult attachment styles. My guess is that your love became to real to bare for her. Can you give me more details? That last sentence always confused me. I showed her i am the real deal? She said first that loves me (imho, too quick), but really, how does that work. This to real to bare makes me think only at the fact that maybe she realised she did not need me that much in her life. Btw, we broke up, but she still did not change anything on her facebook status. Neither did i, but i really did not have time, thank god, i had a lot of work to do.
umirano Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I can't do that. The night we broke up, we did it on Skype and i was almost shouting: say something, anything, can't you see you are losing me? Same as that terrible comercial song lyric: say something i am giving up on you. She was crying and looking at me saying i don't know what to say. That broke my heart. She had no ideea how to keep me. I had a skype break up too once. *cringe* I can't and will not contact her. But it hurts inside to see when i needed her the most, she did not give a crap about me. She's doing what's best for her, I understand very well that it hurts like a bytch... Beside that, it hurts that her motive was: it was to hard after you left. We both knew that, but we would had met in 2 months. It hurts because i can't know and i actually don't know the reason she acted like this. My ex's motive was that she needs to sort her life out. Would you have preferred that? It hurt a lot too... The pain is there, regardless of the motive. I'm sorry for you. But pitying yourself won't fix anything, you need to get back on your feet. It'll take a month or two. Stay away from her and maybe she'll reach out to you. But don't organize your life around her, now that she's decided she needs to be on her own. Good luck
Itspointless Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Can you give me more details? That last sentence always confused me. I showed her i am the real deal? She said first that loves me (imho, too quick), but really, how does that work. This to real to bare makes me think only at the fact that maybe she realised she did not need me that much in her life. Btw, we broke up, but she still did not change anything on her facebook status. Neither did i, but i really did not have time, thank god, i had a lot of work to do. She might be dismissive-avoidant attached: Type: Dismissive-Avoidant | Jeb Kinnison there is a lot to be found on the net about attachment styles. Dismissives often pushes away before people can leave them, because of an unconscious fear to be abandont. It are people with a positive about themselves and a negative view about others (there are also other flavours). In the beginning they usually come on strong, but when the other comes closer they start to feel suffocated.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 A weird thing happend today Went out of the tram and met one of her friends that she had here. After she left, i went a lot out with them (they were a couple, but with huge problems). Anyway, this is the third time i met her in this week, every single time by accident. She wants to meet me at a coffee and keeps insisting. I said maybe sunday, but i will leave it for later. If i go now and smile, it would seem forced. Plus, the first time we met, i had this vibe she is by my side. I don t know why they want to meet with me that much.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 I had a skype break up too once. *cringe* She's doing what's best for her, I understand very well that it hurts like a bytch... My ex's motive was that she needs to sort her life out. Would you have preferred that? It hurt a lot too... The pain is there, regardless of the motive. I'm sorry for you. But pitying yourself won't fix anything, you need to get back on your feet. It'll take a month or two. Stay away from her and maybe she'll reach out to you. But don't organize your life around her, now that she's decided she needs to be on her own. Good luck I think i showed her a lot when we were together, i showed her that i really am a person she can relly on. I only wanted the truth. That was it. No more, no less. I can handle a i am just not into you anymore, rather than: i love you, but i don't want a relashionship anymore. It is beyond frustrating.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 I am ready to go out tonight, be surrounded by friends, but i still feel terrible. I am very bipolar right now, 5 minutes i am motivated, then 5 sad, then 5 angry at her.
umirano Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I am ready to go out tonight, be surrounded by friends, but i still feel terrible. I am very bipolar right now, 5 minutes i am motivated, then 5 sad, then 5 angry at her. It's normal. Give yourself time. Being with friends is an excellent idea. I know what she said doesn't make sense. Probably she can't make sense of it herself. Sometimes also dumpers say confusing stuff while trying to protect your feelings. Who knows what's really going on. The only thing we do know is that she doesn't want the relationship. If she changes her mind she'll have to reach out. Now you focus on yourself. What other goals besides having an awesome GF do you have? Work on reaching them. The next girl will come your way soon enough.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 It's normal. Give yourself time. Being with friends is an excellent idea. I know what she said doesn't make sense. Probably she can't make sense of it herself. Sometimes also dumpers say confusing stuff while trying to protect your feelings. Who knows what's really going on. The only thing we do know is that she doesn't want the relationship. If she changes her mind she'll have to reach out. Now you focus on yourself. What other goals besides having an awesome GF do you have? Work on reaching them. The next girl will come your way soon enough. I started working out again. Thank god i am surrounded by friends and i can go out and have a coffee after work. I fixed some goals for this year and i will try to reach all of them. It will be hard, but i will try my best to do it. Her friends are still in my life, they go in the same places i go, so that might be a problem because they look in a certain way at me. Something between pitty, angry and sadness, something like: I know, she is our friend, but this is not fair. And that hurts more. There are a lot of questions that will never be answered, but i need to find closure within myself. I am just really afraid that in 2 months she is coming home, home for Easter and i am afraid she will want to meet. It is so hard because she did not cheat, if that would had been the case, i would had given up in a heart beat, the problem is that i am felt i was not enough being myself in this relashionship, giving 100 % to the SO. And that hurts more.
Itspointless Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I am ready to go out tonight, be surrounded by friends, but i still feel terrible. I am very bipolar right now, 5 minutes i am motivated, then 5 sad, then 5 angry at her. Try to have some fun, these things are important to do.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 There are some girls that like me. I am not interesed, it is to soon, but can sex be a good option right now? Or will make me feel worse?
Itspointless Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 There are some girls that like me. I am not interesed, it is to soon, but can sex be a good option right now? Or will make me feel worse? It wouldn't be for me, that is the only thing I can tell you.
EgoJoe Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Get laid if you want to and deal with the wreckage as it comes. In the future, watch a Woman's actions not her words.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Get laid if you want to and deal with the wreckage as it comes. In the future, watch a Woman's actions not her words. I did, i actually did. As i said, her actions here, were of a woman that wanted to be with me. After she left, slowly but certain, things changed a lot.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 Had a good time last night. I chilled with my friends, i was a good night. She was on my mind, but my NC still goes well. It is better day by day, but i still have those moments when i try to not cry But as days go by and see she does not reach for me, i realise how much i ment for her.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 Last night was terrible for me. Almost broke NC After a good lazi Sunday, in the night i decided to take all the things i have from her and put the somewhere where i can't se them, somewhere hidden. Bad idea. Every single element was like a knife in my heart. I shed tears and then went to bed. I stood wide awake, with my phone on the night stand and hoping it will ring. It did not again. That was the reason i did not broke the NC. I wanted to write her and ask what the hell is wrong with her. Why does act like this, not even trying to work this out. But i did not, her silence was enough. He silence told me everything i needed to know about our relashionship. She cared to little to do something. I lived a lie. I hate these mixed feelings that i feel right now. I need to let her go, but i still can't and it kills me inside.
Author Rainoflight Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 God damn %$#@@$@ @$@$ i knew it. All the vibe in the last two days was weird so she finally reached for me. I received a message from her. This is what she wrote: "I wanted to write so many times, but i did not want tu torture you. I went many times online to see if you are on or if you posted something. Last summer was incredible, i can't remember the last time i was that happy and i can't remember when i felt such a connection with someone like i did with you. I told you many times that you are such a real incredible person, maybe because i was convinced i did not deserve you. I am telling this regarding my idiotic way of not knowing how to keep a relashionship. I am in a point in life where i have no idea what i want and i don't want to drag you down with me. I know it is selfish, but i hope we can speak again one day. You are still a real important person for me. I am sad you went away from my life, but at the same time, i realise that you deserve someone like you, and i feel i fould cause you only headaches. I miss you." If that was enough, i saw the message but decided not to respond, i felt it gave me some closure, however, soon the phone started ringing and rang rang until i had to respond. We spoke for 2 hours. 2 hours when i told her everything i had on my mind and heart. As usual i spoke more that she did, however, she told me some interesting things beside the usual i don't know and those words are: i missed you this week because i saw something i forgot you lost, being independent and acting like you did. And of course i want you, but i don't know what i want. Weird enough i feel better, i think i needed to tell her everything i had on my heart and mind. I am amazed that considered me being there for her was actually in her eyes, needy, while ignoring her and not speaking with her, was ... independent. My NC went to hell, but i am a bit glad that happend. I feel that i got everything off my chest. I am just still amazed what the hell is in her mind. What does she want for me.
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