I have to do it, but I'm afraid of regret

[SadSally]

Me and my partner are in our mid twenties, been together for almost 7 years. Something must be wrong with me, because he's the perfect man but for whatever reason I am no longer attracted to him nor do I feel anything else other than sentimental love for him. It has been like that for around a year and I have tried changing it - it just seems hopeless.

 

I think the time has come for me to call it quits but I am afraid of regretting my decision. 7 years is a lot of time and a lot of memories. Also, he knows how to push my buttons and he will try to make me want him again after we break up. And, knowing myself and how emotional and possesive I am, I probably will.

 

How can I be a 100% sure of my decision? I know it sounds silly, but I'm really having a hard time doing the deed I have tried initiating a break up several times and he convinces me to stay each time. And each time we do a little better, but I still end up wanting out.

[Dontfindme]

Think of how you're wasting both of your time when he could be out there finding someone who actually loves him. And you as well.

[Lostrabbit]

You need to talk to him about your concerns, it maybe that your relationship doesn't have to be over but does need work, you trying to change things alone might not have worked but if you're partner doesn't know there is a problem you are doing him a dis service to just give up without trying to improve things together. Sometimes the attraction and excitement might fade but that does not mean that it cannot be reignited or return and what you may have built in that 7years is deeper and worth fighting for. You're not sure if you would regret it make sure you don't by knowing you tried and fought for your relationship with your partner, a persons love and soul is too precious and if you really care for him you owe him your honesty.

[WonderWoman911]

Yes 7 years is a long time, but sometimes people grow apart from each other. It's natural, so not that doesn't sound silly at all. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you because you feel this way. You mentioned that the two of you are in the mid twenties, so you were probably 18/19 years old when the relationship started. The things you use to like you may not like anymore. To be sure of your decision, I would think about what exactly it is about him that you aren't attracted to anymore.

 

 

Is it his looks, did he gain or lose a lot of weight? Is it that he doesn't treat you same as he use to? Has he become lazy or not self-motivated? I would think about everything. If these things are not changeable and your mind is made up, then I would express these things to him one more firm time and let him know that you think it's best if we ended our relationship and possibly continue our friendship.

 

 

It's been 7 years, so it's good to do it now before another 7 years pass you by and you'll really regret wasting your time and his as well.

[SadSally]

You need to talk to him about your concerns, it maybe that your relationship doesn't have to be over but does need work, you trying to change things alone might not have worked but if you're partner doesn't know there is a problem you are doing him a dis service to just give up without trying to improve things together. Sometimes the attraction and excitement might fade but that does not mean that it cannot be reignited or return and what you may have built in that 7years is deeper and worth fighting for. You're not sure if you would regret it make sure you don't by knowing you tried and fought for your relationship with your partner, a persons love and soul is too precious and if you really care for him you owe him your honesty.

 

I'm afraid I'm quite sick and tired of working on a realtionship. I have fought so hart to keep this one, that it has almost become a trophy. Now I don't want to fight for it anymore, or fight for any other relationship for that matter. I just want things to happen smoothly. I know it's childish, but that's how I feel right now.

 

 

Yes 7 years is a long time, but sometimes people grow apart from each other. It's natural, so not that doesn't sound silly at all. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you because you feel this way. You mentioned that the two of you are in the mid twenties, so you were probably 18/19 years old when the relationship started. The things you use to like you may not like anymore. To be sure of your decision, I would think about what exactly it is about him that you aren't attracted to anymore.

 

Is it his looks, did he gain or lose a lot of weight? Is it that he doesn't treat you same as he use to? Has he become lazy or not self-motivated? I would think about everything. If these things are not changeable and your mind is made up, then I would express these things to him one more firm time and let him know that you think it's best if we ended our relationship and possibly continue our friendship.

 

It's been 7 years, so it's good to do it now before another 7 years pass you by and you'll really regret wasting your time and his as well.

 

You're right, yes, better 7 than 14 years. Part of why I lost physical attraction for him is mainly because he stopped taking care of himself. We talked about it and he sort of brushed it off. Then he tried to be more sexy for me, but it just didn't work for me anymore. Dreading sex or waiting for it to be over is one big part of why I want out.

 

I guess what I really want is to have my cake and eat it too. But that's impossible. I really don't trust myself emotionally and he could use that to his advantage.

[WonderWoman911]

You're right, yes, better 7 than 14 years. Part of why I lost physical attraction for him is mainly because he stopped taking care of himself. We talked about it and he sort of brushed it off.

 

 

Yes, that can definitely be a factor that changes the dynamics of everything. When a person stop caring for themselves, it's hard for another person to care for them. You talked about this issue with him and he just brushes it off....so he can't be surprise of the outcome.

[bigtrouble]

I'm afraid I'm quite sick and tired of working on a realtionship. I have fought so hart to keep this one, that it has almost become a trophy. Now I don't want to fight for it anymore, or fight for any other relationship for that matter. I just want things to happen smoothly. I know it's childish, but that's how I feel right now.

 

You're right, yes, better 7 than 14 years. Part of why I lost physical attraction for him is mainly because he stopped taking care of himself. We talked about it and he sort of brushed it off. Then he tried to be more sexy for me, but it just didn't work for me anymore. Dreading sex or waiting for it to be over is one big part of why I want out.

 

I guess what I really want is to have my cake and eat it too. But that's impossible. I really don't trust myself emotionally and he could use that to his advantage.

 

If you feel that way, you have to decide for yourself, there is no way you can break a heart gently. It may be the love faded away for you.

 

You must have given it much thought already, LTR gets boring and people just fall out of love, I guess it happens.

 

In the end its your choice...

[towardthefuture]

My girlfriend left me and a big part of it was she wasn't attracted to me any more because I stopped taking care of myself. It was a wake up call and within one and a half months I'm hotter than I've ever been, more buff than most people I meet and have 10x as good grooming habits and energy. Chicks are giving me attention all the time now at Target, at the grocery store, at the coffee place. Unfortunately, she'll never know this because I'll never see her again and she's out there banging other dudes who are, frankly, a step up from where I was and two steps down from where I am now.

 

It sounds like you're doing what my girlfriend did. Bringing it up, but he doesn't hear you, and feeling like you 'tried everything'. Him not understanding the severity of the situation is not 'brushing it off'. I assume he cares about your relationship. He probably loves you. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know you guys.

 

I can't save my relationship, but do me one favor before you totally check out. Before you say "I'm leaving forever" (he will think it's completely out of the blue), say, directly, in a 'we're breaking up' kind of mood, "I'm not attracted to you anymore, I'm seriously thinking about leaving and if you don't shape up in one month, I'm gone". Give the guy a chance at least. Men don't understand women's hints. You wish they understood. They should understand. They do not. You need to directly communicate with him that your relationship with him is on the precipice of death and see if that lights a fire under him before you pull the plug and stick a knife into it to make sure it's dead.

 

I'm not saying he will change. But after 7 years don't you think the guy deserves a little warning and a chance?

[SadSally]

My girlfriend left me and a big part of it was she wasn't attracted to me any more because I stopped taking care of myself. It was a wake up call and within one and a half months I'm hotter than I've ever been, more buff than most people I meet and have 10x as good grooming habits and energy. Chicks are giving me attention all the time now at Target, at the grocery store, at the coffee place. Unfortunately, she'll never know this because I'll never see her again and she's out there banging other dudes who are, frankly, a step up from where I was and two steps down from where I am now.

 

It sounds like you're doing what my girlfriend did. Bringing it up, but he doesn't hear you, and feeling like you 'tried everything'. Him not understanding the severity of the situation is not 'brushing it off'. I assume he cares about your relationship. He probably loves you. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know you guys.

 

I can't save my relationship, but do me one favor before you totally check out. Before you say "I'm leaving forever" (he will think it's completely out of the blue), say, directly, in a 'we're breaking up' kind of mood, "I'm not attracted to you anymore, I'm seriously thinking about leaving and if you don't shape up in one month, I'm gone". Give the guy a chance at least. Men don't understand women's hints. You wish they understood. They should understand. They do not. You need to directly communicate with him that your relationship with him is on the precipice of death and see if that lights a fire under him before you pull the plug and stick a knife into it to make sure it's dead.

 

I'm not saying he will change. But after 7 years don't you think the guy deserves a little warning and a chance?

 

Your words did make me think about telling him I'm on the verge of leaving him. Generally it's a good thing to do. But you know what worries me? That even if he shapes up, my attraction to him won't come back. It has been so long that the way he kisses me makes me shudder. It's embarrassing to even type it because not long ago those kisses made my day.

But still, I'm going to consider telling him things as they are, even if it hurts him. Worst case scenario, he thinks I'm a selfish b*tch and we break up. He's going to think it one way or the other.

[towardthefuture]

Your words did make me think about telling him I'm on the verge of leaving him. Generally it's a good thing to do. But you know what worries me? That even if he shapes up, my attraction to him won't come back. It has been so long that the way he kisses me makes me shudder. It's embarrassing to even type it because not long ago those kisses made my day.

But still, I'm going to consider telling him things as they are, even if it hurts him. Worst case scenario, he thinks I'm a selfish b*tch and we break up. He's going to think it one way or the other.

 

Well there's no way you break up with him and he walks away liking you 6 months out. I dont even think of my ex by her name anymore. In my head I call her sarah marshall.

Edited January 17, 2015 by towardthefuture

[oldshirt]

My girlfriend left me and a big part of it was she wasn't attracted to me any more because I stopped taking care of myself. It was a wake up call and within one and a half months I'm hotter than I've ever been, more buff than most people I meet and have 10x as good grooming habits and energy. Chicks are giving me attention all the time now at Target, at the grocery store, at the coffee place. Unfortunately, she'll never know this because I'll never see her again and she's out there banging other dudes who are, frankly, a step up from where I was and two steps down from where I am now.

 

It sounds like you're doing what my girlfriend did. Bringing it up, but he doesn't hear you, and feeling like you 'tried everything'. Him not understanding the severity of the situation is not 'brushing it off'. I assume he cares about your relationship. He probably loves you. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know you guys.

 

I can't save my relationship, but do me one favor before you totally check out. Before you say "I'm leaving forever" (he will think it's completely out of the blue), say, directly, in a 'we're breaking up' kind of mood, "I'm not attracted to you anymore, I'm seriously thinking about leaving and if you don't shape up in one month, I'm gone". Give the guy a chance at least. Men don't understand women's hints. You wish they understood. They should understand. They do not. You need to directly communicate with him that your relationship with him is on the precipice of death and see if that lights a fire under him before you pull the plug and stick a knife into it to make sure it's dead.

 

I'm not saying he will change. But after 7 years don't you think the guy deserves a little warning and a chance?

 

 

 

 

 

There is a lot of truth and insight to this post ^^^

 

 

I am not sure how much any of this will help Sally but it is an important message for men out there. Women do give brief little insights into their dissatisfactions and intentions but it goes over men's heads and they miss it. Women then interpret it as "he just kind of brushed it off" and that actually adds to their displeasure.

 

 

Basically people can get lazy and complacent in relationships and can put on weight, think they can skip deordorant for a day or so, let their hair go, let their nails get long, cracked and dirty and let the gunk build up between their teeth and most importantly they stop flirting and courting their partner and start taking them for granted.

 

 

Once that process is sunk in, it can be very hard to pull out of it.

 

 

Often times in order for a woman to get her partner to snap out of it and take it seriously, she has to do something drastic like stop having sex with him for six months, leave/break up/divorce, or start screwing other men.

 

 

Then guys suddenly wake up, wash their hair, brush their teeth, buy new clothes and start treating her better....

 

 

...but by then the damage has already been done. sometimes women do take notice of the changes but even then they can become very bitter that they had to go to such lengths to get them to take notice and to get off the couch and stop playing Xbox.

 

 

If this were a marriage with a mortgage and car payments and children, I would recommend a trial separation and giving him a few months to step up to the plate and change. But since this is not a marriage and there is no mention of minor children, I am not sure I'd recommend waiting a few months to see if he can clean himself up.

 

 

If you aren't feeling the love and you can't picture a future with him. break it cleanly and move on.

 

 

If he does like Towardthefuture and transforms from dud to stud and you two cross paths again down the road and both of you want to try again, that's between the two of you at that time. But I see no reason to put either of your lives on hold to hope that.

[oldshirt]

....and getting back to the topic at hand and address Sally's concern on regret a little more directly, I want to talk about regret a little bit.

 

 

I am almost 51 years old, married for 19 years and was a carefree bachelor until I was 31. I dated a number of women and had several LTRs over the years.

 

 

I had a number of break ups. Some were where I was dumped and some where I did the dumping. I have a few regrets associated with those.

 

 

one is I regret the time I spent in the relationships between the time I realized my heart wasn't in it and the time I actually cut the cord. In one case it was over a year between the time I knew she wasn't "the one" and the time I called it off. That was a year of my prime that was completely wasted in a dead-end R that I knew wasn't going anywhere and I didn't want it to go anywhere.

 

 

I also regret the time, energy and emotional investment that I put into trying to stay together with some people that were trying to break away from me. It always sucks to get dumped but if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, the moment she said her heart wasn't in the R anymore and wanted to move on, I would wish her well, give her hug and walk away and move on, rather than the begging and pleading and negotiating I did to try to hold on to a failing R.

 

 

Again, I wasted months of time and energy of my prime trying to resurrect the dead.

 

 

What made me hold on in both of those scenarios was the fear of dying dying alone and destitute in a crappy one-room apt being eaten by my cats.

 

 

Everyone has that fear and it is a myth and misconception. There is a whole world out there and each and every time someone else comes along if you want it to happen.

 

 

Yes there will be some lonely nights here and there, but aren't you having lonely nights now??? Nothing is lonelier and more hallow than being lonely IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT ISN'T WORKING.

 

 

No relationship is better than a bad relationship but when you are single every day is a new day and every day offers opportunity and potential. When you are in a bad relationship, you are just stuck.

 

 

Don't make decisions based on fear and insecurity. Those are always the wrong choice.

[elaine567]

....and getting back to the topic at hand and address Sally's concern on regret a little more directly, I want to talk about regret a little bit.

 

 

I am almost 51 years old, married for 19 years and was a carefree bachelor until I was 31. I dated a number of women and had several LTRs over the years.

 

 

I had a number of break ups. Some were where I was dumped and some where I did the dumping. I have a few regrets associated with those.

 

 

one is I regret the time I spent in the relationships between the time I realized my heart wasn't in it and the time I actually cut the cord. In one case it was over a year between the time I knew she wasn't "the one" and the time I called it off. That was a year of my prime that was completely wasted in a dead-end R that I knew wasn't going anywhere and I didn't want it to go anywhere.

 

 

I also regret the time, energy and emotional investment that I put into trying to stay together with some people that were trying to break away from me. It always sucks to get dumped but if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, the moment she said her heart wasn't in the R anymore and wanted to move on, I would wish her well, give her hug and walk away and move on, rather than the begging and pleading and negotiating I did to try to hold on to a failing R.

 

 

Again, I wasted months of time and energy of my prime trying to resurrect the dead.

 

 

What made me hold on in both of those scenarios was the fear of dying dying alone and destitute in a crappy one-room apt being eaten by my cats.

 

 

Everyone has that fear and it is a myth and misconception. There is a whole world out there and each and every time someone else comes along if you want it to happen.

 

 

Yes there will be some lonely nights here and there, but aren't you having lonely nights now??? Nothing is lonelier and more hallow than being lonely IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT ISN'T WORKING.

 

 

No relationship is better than a bad relationship but when you are single every day is a new day and every day offers opportunity and potential. When you are in a bad relationship, you are just stuck.

 

 

Don't make decisions based on fear and insecurity. Those are always the wrong choice.

 

Love it, great post.

[towardthefuture]

There is a lot of truth and insight to this post ^^^

 

 

I am not sure how much any of this will help Sally but it is an important message for men out there. Women do give brief little insights into their dissatisfactions and intentions but it goes over men's heads and they miss it. Women then interpret it as "he just kind of brushed it off" and that actually adds to their displeasure.

 

 

Basically people can get lazy and complacent in relationships and can put on weight, think they can skip deordorant for a day or so, let their hair go, let their nails get long, cracked and dirty and let the gunk build up between their teeth and most importantly they stop flirting and courting their partner and start taking them for granted.

 

 

Once that process is sunk in, it can be very hard to pull out of it.

 

I'd point out that women play a part in this as well. They domesticate men, then once they're docile and calm they lose attraction.

 

Here are some concrete examples:

- Take out your earrings to meet my parents (year 1) / remember when you used to be cool? (year 8)

- Don't talk to your friend **** I don't like when you talk to other women (year 3) / Why don't you have any friends? (year 8)

- I don't like that guy Michael, you shouldn't hang out with him (year 4) / why don't you have any friends? (year 8)

- I followed you to grad school, you should follow me to grad school (year 5) / I feel like you're following me and I should be following you (year 8)

- Don't smoke/drive fast/listen to loud music/do anything fun (years 1-7) You don't excite me any more (year 8)

 

So I guess this is really advice to men as well. Which is don't sacrifice any part of yourself for a woman because they say they want it but ultimately it will make you weak and domesticated and will be the very reason they dump you for someone who they can start the pattern all over again with.

[Holmes85]

he's the perfect man but for whatever reason I am no longer attracted to him

So let me get this straight, he's perfect but you still want to leave him.

 

I think the time has come for me to call it quits

You gave up on him a long time ago.

 

but I am afraid of regretting my decision

You will, a person never appreciates what they have till it's completley gone.

 

7 years is a lot of time and a lot of memories.

It is.

 

Also, he knows how to push my buttons

Of course he knows how to push your buttons, it's been 7 years, but so do you.

 

How can I be a 100% sure of my decision?

If you aren't, then why are you doing it?

 

 

I know it sounds silly

It defintely is.

 

but I'm really having a hard time doing the deed

Feeling guilty because he did nothing wrong and you are finding excuses, every little thing that goes wrong, you think "if that's good enough to leave him"

 

I have tried initiating a break up several times and he convinces me to stay each time. And each time we do a little better, but I still end up wanting out.

That's because you don't have a good reason to breakup, but you are creating and setting it all up in your mind.

 

I'm afraid I'm quite sick and tired of working on a realtionship.

I'm sure you are.

 

If you are doing the right thing, you shouldn't feel guilty as simple as that. I have read everything you have posted, I don't think I have any advice to give you, even if I give you one, it wouldn't matter, all I have to say is "Good Luck" on your journey.

[bigtrouble]

My girlfriend left me and a big part of it was she wasn't attracted to me any more because I stopped taking care of myself. It was a wake up call and within one and a half months I'm hotter than I've ever been, more buff than most people I meet and have 10x as good grooming habits and energy. Chicks are giving me attention all the time now at Target, at the grocery store, at the coffee place. Unfortunately, she'll never know this because I'll never see her again and she's out there banging other dudes who are, frankly, a step up from where I was and two steps down from where I am now.

 

It sounds like you're doing what my girlfriend did. Bringing it up, but he doesn't hear you, and feeling like you 'tried everything'. Him not understanding the severity of the situation is not 'brushing it off'. I assume he cares about your relationship. He probably loves you. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know you guys.

 

I can't save my relationship, but do me one favor before you totally check out. Before you say "I'm leaving forever" (he will think it's completely out of the blue), say, directly, in a 'we're breaking up' kind of mood, "I'm not attracted to you anymore, I'm seriously thinking about leaving and if you don't shape up in one month, I'm gone". Give the guy a chance at least. Men don't understand women's hints. You wish they understood. They should understand. They do not. You need to directly communicate with him that your relationship with him is on the precipice of death and see if that lights a fire under him before you pull the plug and stick a knife into it to make sure it's dead.

 

I'm not saying he will change. But after 7 years don't you think the guy deserves a little warning and a chance?

 

I can totally relate to this, my GF went through it all and there was another person involved plus it was LDR, 5yrs she never given it a thought or a second chance. She fell in love with someone else, fell out of love of me, saw me, told me I need a haircut (she loved my long hair told me don't cut it short before) and need to get my tummy trimmed. (I don't have a pot belly yet but I put on some weight)

 

Damn, she got fatter, and put a lot of weight, and has pimples growing on her face, she moved up and lots of guys were hitting on her (she may what you say a trophy catch) and she was judging me, I can't believe it.

 

She took one look at me and I was less desirable, shocked in disbelief we both changed. I loved her more accepted her flaws, even told her about it.

 

She never gave me any warnings, not a single one, she just thought how to break it off without hurting my feelings.

 

Damn now that I thought about it, I held her hand when she had less when the tables turned and she got better I was down, she cut me loose.

 

I fell out of love too, but it came back stronger and better, I wanted to do better, told her about it, but she was out of it, not interested, she wants to step up.

 

I knew what was happening tried to talk about it, tried to fix it, but she was distant, she just want out, broke up with me, never gave me the chance, never looked back.

Edited January 17, 2015 by bigtrouble

[SadSally]

....and getting back to the topic at hand and address Sally's concern on regret a little more directly, I want to talk about regret a little bit.

 

 

I am almost 51 years old, married for 19 years and was a carefree bachelor until I was 31. I dated a number of women and had several LTRs over the years.

 

 

I had a number of break ups. Some were where I was dumped and some where I did the dumping. I have a few regrets associated with those.

 

 

one is I regret the time I spent in the relationships between the time I realized my heart wasn't in it and the time I actually cut the cord. In one case it was over a year between the time I knew she wasn't "the one" and the time I called it off. That was a year of my prime that was completely wasted in a dead-end R that I knew wasn't going anywhere and I didn't want it to go anywhere.

 

 

I also regret the time, energy and emotional investment that I put into trying to stay together with some people that were trying to break away from me. It always sucks to get dumped but if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, the moment she said her heart wasn't in the R anymore and wanted to move on, I would wish her well, give her hug and walk away and move on, rather than the begging and pleading and negotiating I did to try to hold on to a failing R.

 

 

Again, I wasted months of time and energy of my prime trying to resurrect the dead.

 

 

What made me hold on in both of those scenarios was the fear of dying dying alone and destitute in a crappy one-room apt being eaten by my cats.

 

 

Everyone has that fear and it is a myth and misconception. There is a whole world out there and each and every time someone else comes along if you want it to happen.

 

 

Yes there will be some lonely nights here and there, but aren't you having lonely nights now??? Nothing is lonelier and more hallow than being lonely IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT ISN'T WORKING.

 

 

No relationship is better than a bad relationship but when you are single every day is a new day and every day offers opportunity and potential. When you are in a bad relationship, you are just stuck.

 

 

Don't make decisions based on fear and insecurity. Those are always the wrong choice.

 

Thank you so much for this post. I really needed to hear advice coming from someone experienced.

[hangingbyathread]

Being the person that is at the other end of these situations i can honestly say that is crap.... you clearly know you don't want to be with them and you should never be with someone you don't find physically attractive. Your partner deserves to be with someone who craves them and wants them and finds them desirable.. i think its cruel that you are purely hanging on because you don't want to regret it...wether it is 7 years or almost 2 years!! -_- you are with them for the wrong reasons....

[SadSally]

Being the person that is at the other end of these situations i can honestly say that is crap.... you clearly know you don't want to be with them and you should never be with someone you don't find physically attractive. Your partner deserves to be with someone who craves them and wants them and finds them desirable.. i think its cruel that you are purely hanging on because you don't want to regret it...wether it is 7 years or almost 2 years!! -_- you are with them for the wrong reasons....

 

Yeah, I know. It's just that every time I plan to do it, I ask myself "Did I try anything possible? Maybe if I try a little harder, everything will be ok". But it's not. I wish he would dump me, it would hurt less.

[EuTuBrute]

Sad Sally this is how its going to work.

 

You are going to dump him.

 

You will then eventually find someone new.

 

The cycle will repeat itself; you will look at the new guy will the same thoughts and feelings you are having with your current boyfriend.

 

You are going to dump him.

 

You will then eventually find someone new.

 

.... 7 years is a long time. Instead of dumping your current boyfriend here is a thought. Communicate with him, your thoughts, your feelings. That is how relationships flourish. Don't be my ex and just throw something away because its the easy thing to do and then complain later in life why cant i find the perfect person. It all starts with yourself

Edited January 19, 2015 by EuTuBrute