I never saw this coming! Girlfriend left me saying "I shouldn't waste my time"

[inbrakeible]

Background: She is 21 and I am 27 and we go to colleges about 3 hours apart. She lives with her parents and I live on campus. We were dating for about 2 months when she broke it off. Over that two months we spend about 8 or 9 days together since she spent the night with me several times. We had lengthy text conversations several times a week when we we not together. She would tend to keep the conversations going by asking questions. She would tell me I am amazing and call me love, although I called her pet names more often. It was clear I had more feelings for her than she did for me and I openly acknowledged that. I told her that I understand why she was so tense and had feelings reserved but told her to take her time, I am patient. Her ex boyfriend she left a year ago used to abuse her physically, sexually, and emotionally. She said he was the only person she had loved and she hated the person she became when she told him she loved him. She said she never wants to be that weak again so she never wants to love anyone again. This would prove to be the divider of our relationship. She never got therapy for it and says she never wants to address those issues.

 

 

How the break up went down: I had previously told her that I would like for her to stay at my place christmas eve since she was jewish and didn't celebrate christmas, but she declined saying it didn't feel right staying the night again since she had spent the past 5 days with me. She spent the night saturday night, then again on monday night then she saw me wednesday for christmas eve. We texted christmas eve at night to talk about when she'll visit next and she said saturday. I asked if she could stay sunday as well and she said she'll have to ask her parents. I didnt understand this so I asked why she needed their permission. She got a little defensive but we ended the conversation on good terms. The next day we texted at night and we got on the topic of her past in which she told me she never wants to love anyone ever again (because of her past). I replied that I do not think i could marry someone that did not love me. But I would like to help her slowly be able to again. She said that I shouldn't waste my time because she never wants to change. I told her I wasn't ready to give up on her yet. She replied saying after a couple months I will be. So I said we'll just have to see, but I doubt it. And said goodnight. She texted me cancelling our plans for saturday saying she just wanted to come down sunday, so i called her and asked her if everything was fine. She said yes, so we made plans for sunday. When she arrived Sunday she sat down and told me she had been thinking about it and thinks I really should not waste my time with her. We talked for a little bit but didnt really get reasons for why, other than she never wants to change. So I kissed her on the head and she left.

 

The follow up/closure: I sent her a letter a week latter apologizing for making her feel uncomfortable and that I realize I was asking for more than she wanted to give. I told her I accept who she is, and since I had never been in a situation like that before I handled it poorly by pressuring her. I told her if she wanted to give us another go that I want to just hang out with her and have fun like we used to. With no expectations or complications. She texted me back saying I didnt need to apologize and that she hopes I find someone to be in a great relationship with. I asked her to call me, and we talked for a bit. In our conversation she told me that she thought since we are already arguing this early that it was only going to get worse, and she wants a stress free relationship. I tried to rationalize with her that since it was all over text that I had no idea how frustrating it was for her, and I would never would have chosen to make conflict if I had known. I asked about how things were before our argument because I thought we were doing so well. She agreed and she said she was happy and had fun with me. But once her mind is made up that is it. And she never gets back together with ex boyfriends. That is the part that stung most. She said if I needed to hate her to get over her she would understand. I told her I dont hate her and I accept who she is. We ended the convo on good terms. I texted her later just to tell her I was removing her from snapchat and that I am sure she understood. And if she realizes down the road that she can trust and love again then maybe we can be happy together again if I am not in another relationship. She replied thanks, take care.

 

I cannot get her out of my mind. We had so much in common and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. I think I scared her off by being too forward with my feelings and caused her to withdraw from me. I acted more needy than I should have. I attribute part of that to being so bored at home over break, where all I wanted to do was see her. I know I shouldn't contact her at all, or at least for a long time and I should just look to date other women. She's been by far the best woman I have been with with the exception of her past that still affects her judgement. I am thinking of reaching out to her in a month or 2 and just seeing if she wants to get lunch and just have fun with her to show her why she dated me in the first place.

[Dontfindme]

As you wait to get lunch with her in a month or two, you won't really be moving on, because you're expecting lunch to go magnificently, and for her to come running back into your open arms (which is very unlikely, given her repeatedly telling/hinting to you that it is over). Don't delay the healing process.

 

Lunch is a bad idea.

You need to move on.