My ex [21F] of 4 years keeps trying to contact me after leaving me [22M] for another

[ta777]

quick notes: found out ex gf was cheating on me for 3 months. I confront her and she basically had no remorse, even defended the guy. When I confronted her over the phone I got no answers or reasons from her, she was actually still denying she had cheated so I hung up and told her that was he last time she would ever talk to me. She basically leaves me for that guy and is still with him. That was the last time I ever talked to her.

 

She has tried to contact me about 1 or 2 times a week since, over the span of a month. She calls late at night, usually 1am-3am but never leaves a message or anything. Last time she tried contacting me was 6 days ago, and she called twice and sent a text message saying "hey". about 3 weeks ago she had left a message crying saying sorry, saying she cared about me and hope I was doing fine, etc etc. I have never replied to her this whole month.

I was told today by a friend, I somewhat pushed it out of him and shouldn't have, but I basically find out that I myself was a rebound when I met her in 2010. She had a boyfriend when she met me and here she is repeating the cycle.

 

I also found out that she wrote an entire novel on tumblr explaining why she did what she did to me. That I never changed for her and this and that. She began to compare me to the new guy saying that even he didn't say the right things at first but that he changed, but that again I never did. It was basically an essay comparing the new guy to me saying how he is better and etc. Just hearing the notes hurt me and I wouldn't dare read the whole thing. The change she is referring to is how I never stopped masturbating to porn and images on the Internet, how I suppsoedly never made her feel good about herself (low self esteem), how I didn't compliment her enough and things of that sort that I felt I tried to do.

 

There was a time where I gave in and snooped on her social media and all she had been posting were photos of him and her saying how happy she was and all this and that. It was over the top, exaggerated and obviously directed towards me. Posts about how he was melting her heart, how she made the best decision ever (with a heart) to start dating him in September when she was with me. Can someone who posts all these exaggerated posts about how happy they are truly be happy?

 

I don't understand how someone who was so possessive of me, never let me go out if girls were around, didn't let me watch porn, tracked me through gps could do this to me. My mind tells me I dodged a bullet because she was such a self centered hypocrite, who she herself didn't change for me (she kept smoking pot) but my heart tells me that this is my fault and that I brought this on myself. I never meant to hurt her with my watching of porn but it's just something I've been watching for a long time, I felt she had no right to what I did in my private time. She would force me to promise her I'd stop or leave me and I would say I would but actually didn't. She would look through my phone almost every day to try to find something and sometimes she did and would break up with me but eventually we'd get back together.

 

Thing is she is trying to hurt me still. She wants all of her postings trying to hurt me to trickle into my hands. She wants me to see all of her photos with this new guy and how happy he makes her. Why is she doing this to me? What does she want from me? How can you apologize one moment and then do all you can to hurt me the next?

Edited January 10, 2015 by ta777

[broken77]

What a horrible person

[EgoJoe]

She sounds very disordered. Focus on you. Read my thread "She cheated and I left."

 

 

I see my story in yours though I caught wind much sooner. She is exhibiting strong BPD/NPD traits.

 

 

Whether she has it or not she is not happy, healthy and whole so she must idealize, devalue and discard.

 

 

You have become the dumping ground for her negative emotions. This can manifest in many ways. There are better fish in the sea. I'm not even two months out and I've found one. I moved on from the relationship quickly but the betrayal took longer. It helps to realize that she is sick. Whether full blown disordered or not her facade can only affect you as long as you let it.

 

 

BPDfamily.com has a lot of good reading. Emotionally immature people can exhibit strong traits for a long time until they mature but do not have the disorder. It does not matter to you but it's important to recognize that this behavior is not about you, has nothing to do with anything you did and even if you were perfect that would not have made a difference.

 

 

People who behave like this usually go for an easier mark. You would not obey her so she cheated on you and blamed you for making her do it. That is an impossible logic but to someone with a fragile if not absent sense of self it makes sense as they survive by utilizing stronger than normal egotistical defense mechanisms.

 

 

Work on your real flaws and reject her distorted reality and remember that deception is a form of control. When you attempt to deny someone a pure perspective you are limiting their choices .

Edited January 10, 2015 by EgoJoe

[ta777]

She sounds very disordered. Focus on you. Read my thread "She cheated and I left."

 

 

I see my story in yours though I caught wind much sooner. She is exhibiting strong BPD/NPD traits.

 

 

Whether she has it or not she is not happy, healthy and whole so she must idealize, devalue and discard.

 

 

You have become the dumping ground for her negative emotions. This can manifest in many ways. There are better fish in the sea. I'm not even two months out and I've found one. I moved on from the relationship quickly but the betrayal took longer. It helps to realize that she is sick. Whether full blown disordered or not her facade can only affect you as long as you let it.

 

 

BPDfamily.com has a lot of good reading. Emotionally immature people can exhibit strong traits for a long time until they mature but do not have the disorder. It does not matter to you but it's important to recognize that this behavior is not about you, has nothing to do with anything you did and even if you were perfect that would not have made a difference.

 

 

People who behave like this usually go for an easier mark. You would not obey her so she cheated on you and blamed you for making her do it. That is an impossible logic but to someone with a fragile if not absent sense of self it makes sense as they survive by utilizing stronger than normal egotistical defense mechanisms.

 

 

Work on your real flaws and reject her distorted reality and remember that deception is a form of control. When you attempt to deny someone a pure perspective you are limiting their choices .

 

I will check it out. Thanks.

 

Funny you mention this, I had been thinking about this as one of my friends said that the symptoms for BPD show up around her age. Her mom has BPD and takes pills for it, I also read that BPD is genetic so I'm pretty much convinced that she has it now. She would tell me that she was always depressed, sometimes she didn't even know why.

 

Honestly, I have posted a few times on other sites but your response has been the best I've read. Knowing she is sick, which I had already been told and thought, makes me feel better some way.

 

I had tried to knock some sense into her by telling her that she was wrong, or that the way she looked at things wasn't the way to go about it but like you said she was in her distorted reality.

 

She texted me tonight while I was drunk, I wish I had her number blocked because she is still trying to hurt me over text. After receiving the following text I blocked her for good. Here is the text:

 

"I'm not trying to get you to change your mind or anything, I just feel like you deserve a better explanation

 

I'm sorry. I have no idea what I was thinking by texting you. I'm pretty high or whatever and you know what? I ****ing begged for your attention throughout our relationship and you know that. All I needed was for you to do ONE simple thing, which was LISTEN. Innever got the attention or affection I needed from you. You didn't give a **** about me or my feelings so I found someone else who did. And I'm ****ing happy, beyond happy. So I'm sorry for texting you, I won't ever do it again. Bye "

 

I have no idea what she is talking about changing my mind. Apparently I "deserve" her explanation. (Wow!) why does she feel the need to tell me how happy she is? As if I care. It seems as if she still wants a response from me! Also it sounds like she's thing to justify what she did, to make herself better.

[almond]

You most definitely dodged a huge bullet.

 

 

You're young, but try and look forward for a moment. Be real with yourself now. Do you honestly see a girl like this, capable of cheating and lying, and then blaming it on you and continually trying to hurt you after the fact, as someone who you could live happily ever after with? Would such an insecure mess, desperate for validation, be a good, stable mother to any future children?

 

 

No way. I'm glad you've blocked her. Take this as a lesson...this behaviour is not normal or healthy. Expect more for yourself in future relationships.

[EgoJoe]

It's all about her. Not you. Normal decent people break up if they are catching feelings.

 

 

I would send her a final message for your sake because eventually you will get angry and possibly regret not telling her off.

 

 

Something like, "I don't want your explanation. I don't want your lies. I'm moving on to bigger, better and brighter things that won't disrespect me and then attempt to sell me a sob story."

[Itspointless]

She sounds dysfunctional, I am sorry you have to go through that.

 

Often times people trust their partners as they would trust themselves. This isn't about you, she tries to justify her behaviour to herself.

[Downtown]

BPD is genetic so I'm pretty much convinced that she has it now.

TA, I agree with with Joe and Pointless that the behaviors you describe -- e.g., clingy, vindictive, self centered, irrational anger (i.e., strong abandonment fear), rapid flip between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), lack of remorse (always being "The Victim"), and inability to trust you -- are some of the warning signs for dysfunctional behavior, particularly for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest you read the BPDfamily articles Joe recommended, as well as the experiences he shares in his thread at She Cheated and I Left.

 

I had been thinking about this as one of my friends said that the symptoms for BPD show up around her age.

Your friend probably is thinking of bipolar disorder, which typically shows up at age 25. The range for age of onset is 18-30 for bipolar. For BPD, however, the distorted thinking is believed to begin at age 3 or 4. Actually, every person on the planet has that same distorted thinking because it is produced by the primitive ego defenses we all rely on for survival during early childhood. Yet, whereas most people are able to acquire more mature ego defenses as they emotionally mature, the BPDers typically experience a trauma (and/or a genetic predisposition) that freezes their emotional development at the level of a four year old. The result is that, usually starting at puberty, they will exhibit strong BPD traits.

 

This is not to say, however, that you would see many of those traits during your early courtship period. As long as the BPDer's infatuation with you remains in place, it will hold her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. That is, because she truly believes you are the nearly perfect man who has come to save her from unhappiness, it is extremely unlikely you would have started triggering her fears until that infatuation started to evaporate -- which typically occurs about 4 to 6 months into the relationship.

 

If you are interested in learning how to spot BPD red flags, I suggest you take a quick look at my list at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join Joe in discussing them with you. I was married to my BPDer exW for 15 years. Take care, TA.

Edited January 10, 2015 by Downtown

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

 

 

I also found out that she wrote an entire novel on tumblr explaining why she did what she did to me. That I never changed for her and this and that. She began to compare me to the new guy saying that even he didn't say the right things at first but that he changed, but that again I never did. It was basically an essay comparing the new guy to me saying how he is better and etc. Just hearing the notes hurt me and I wouldn't dare read the whole thing. The change she is referring to is how I never stopped masturbating to porn and images on the Internet, how I suppsoedly never made her feel good about herself (low self esteem), how I didn't compliment her enough and things of that sort that I felt I tried to do.

 

 

 

 

I don't understand how someone who was so possessive of me, never let me go out if girls were around, didn't let me watch porn, tracked me through gps could do this to me. My mind tells me I dodged a bullet because she was such a self centered hypocrite, who she herself didn't change for me (she kept smoking pot) but my heart tells me that this is my fault and that I brought this on myself. I never meant to hurt her with my watching of porn but it's just something I've been watching for a long time, I felt she had no right to what I did in my private time. She would force me to promise her I'd stop or leave me and I would say I would but actually didn't. She would look through my phone almost every day to try to find something and sometimes she did and would break up with me but eventually we'd get back together.

 

She wants me to see all of her photos with this new guy and how happy he makes her. Why is she doing this to me? What does she want from me? How can you apologize one moment and then do all you can to hurt me the next?

 

 

Okay, lets go over a few things and the bold.

 

 

Number one, if someone has to go out of their way to TELL you how happy they are, then chances are, they're not THAT happy.

 

 

The novel on tumblr is to try and convince herself that she made the right choice. If she was that happy, she wouldn't need to compare her relationship. If she was happy, there would be NO NEED to compare it. She would just be happy and wouldn't need a reason to justify it.

 

 

So, you watched porn. There's are worse things in the world! You watched porn, but she was screwing some guy behind your back, and YOU'RE the bad guy?!?! She says that this is all your fault and you brought it all on yourself. That is what we call blameshifting. Making the demise of the relationship entirely your fault and not admitting any fault of her own. Nevermind that she cheated on you, it was still your fault. *puke*. Dude, you didn't force her to cheat, that was a CHOICE she made, you had nothing to do with that.

 

 

You are not in charge of her happiness. We are in charge of our own. Did she expect you to walk around dressed as a clown and juggling balls to make her smile 24/7?

 

 

She was constantly trying to find dirt on you. Looking through your phone and GPSing you. Do you know why? Purely out of guilt. she felt guilty about what she was doing to you. Therefore, she was searching for ANYTHING that would ease her guilt and justify her own cheating on you. She would break up with you and guarantee you she was in his bed the same night she broke it off with you. No mourning the loss of you or the relationship. She probably thought to herself, "You know, I wouldn't be here right now if he wasn't such a jackass." But, the only things she could nail on you was porn. If looking at images on a screen is the worse thing you did...well, I could think of about 50 worse things you could have done to justify a break up. She was just looking for ANY excuse.

 

 

So, why is she doing this other stuff like posting pics and leaving sappy comments? Because, she mad at you. She's mad because you're not giving her what she wants and that's to unload her guilt off on you. And when she found out that wasn't working is unloads on you through a text.

 

 

So, here's what YOU need to do. YOU need to get your revenge! And the best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good life!

 

 

Start making positive changes in your life. Get a new hairstyle and a new wardrobe. Something that people are going to notice and like. Then, get to the gym. Run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. Eat right and get plenty of sleep and you'll work off that stress and frustrations this is doing to you, PLUS working on that hard and ripped bod that girls definitely like!

 

 

Then, get some new hobbies. With new hobbies, there usually clubs in your area with people that have a shared interest. JOIN THEM! Get out there and meet new people! So, join a running club or a cycling club. Co-ed sports or diving lessons. Cooking course or photography club. STAY BUSY!

 

 

And above all else. TRAVEL! Travel around and see what's out there! If there's a place you always wanted to visit, save and make a plan, then GO! Have adventures!

 

 

And probably one day,your Ex is going to get curious and creep on your instagram or Facebook and she's going to see YOUR pics and say to herself, "Wait, is that him surfing in Southern California? Is that a pic of him snowboarding in Utah? Is that a pic of him in the Bahamas?!?!"

 

 

Wouldn't it be a nice thought if she saw a pic of you finishing a dive off of the Great Barrier Reef and she see's a pic of you with your arm around your dive partner that just happens to be a blonde haired blue eyed Aussie girl that looks fantastic in a wetsuit?

 

 

That's how you get your revenge and you didn't even need to brag about it!

[sober and dry]

Chi townD you are clearly right! No more, no less, all said!!!

[EgoJoe]

OP,

 

 

For what it's worth I ended up checking my blocked filter today for the first time since I turned it back on.

 

 

I got a nonsensical text saying, "If your texting my friends from a non text number. You need to.stop Stop being so immature."

 

 

This is the type of garbage you will deal with even after you have told them off a thousand times over. I was in bed asleep with my new main squeeze (100x upgrade) at the time she sent it.

 

 

I won't be responding even to make fun of her. I know she sent it to get a response out of me. It won't work. You will get there too.

[unforgotten]

Man I wish i would have read this thread earlier just after the BU. It's basically the same thing as it happened to me but I was too big of a fool to see it.

 

The other guy was already in the picture and she was just trying to find an excuse to dump me and relieve her guilt. I felt so bad looking back feeling so damn guilty because I thought the situations she put me in were her giving me a second chance and wanting me to perhaps change and show her I love her. It was probably the other way around. She did things she knew I hated so she'd have an excuse and feel better about everything.

 

For example, the last weekend we spent together was in a hotel resort and she knows I need my space when I go to sleep, that I'm feeling hot all the time while she's more of a cuddle type and feeling cold all the time. It was so damn hot in the room and I went out on the balcony to get some fresh air. When I stepped back in she was literally lying on my side of the bed and I was sleepy, feeling annoyed and just wanted my space and to go to sleep. I told her to get to her side etc. and she was just lying there quiet and didn't want to move. We had a short argument and then she'd move to her side of the bed and turn her back on me. I felt really bad and have tried to apologize. I put my hand on her back I thought she'd turn around and we'd make up but she didn't and we'd just fell asleep. It's one of the worst memories I have. I still feel bad about it for being a such a idiot. How can you hate cuddling with your gf? I should be happy, tell her I love her, cuddle with her, make her smile etc. but all I wanted was some space. So selfish of me. But now that I think back she was probably not giving me a second chance, she did the thing she knew I hated so we could have a fight and she would play the victim and blame it all on me. What do you think?

 

Oh, and something new... I've made a step back a week or two ago and wanted to check her fb so I've unblocked her but I was still blocked from her side. I then wanted to block her again but the fb didn't allow me because 24 hours should pass. Today I was looking at one of my old pictures and saw one she liked back then. I clicked on her name and there I was on her page. Looks like she unblocked me but I blocked her back now. I totally forgot she was unblocked but was surprised to see she has unblocked me.

[ta777]

You most definitely dodged a huge bullet.

 

 

You're young, but try and look forward for a moment. Be real with yourself now. Do you honestly see a girl like this, capable of cheating and lying, and then blaming it on you and continually trying to hurt you after the fact, as someone who you could live happily ever after with? Would such an insecure mess, desperate for validation, be a good, stable mother to any future children?

 

 

No way. I'm glad you've blocked her. Take this as a lesson...this behaviour is not normal or healthy. Expect more for yourself in future relationships.

You're right. This was my first real relationship straight out of high school so I didn't really know what to expect. She would always tell me that her insecurities would get better over time and I believed her.

[ta777]

It's all about her. Not you. Normal decent people break up if they are catching feelings.

 

 

I would send her a final message for your sake because eventually you will get angry and possibly regret not telling her off.

 

 

Something like, "I don't want your explanation. I don't want your lies. I'm moving on to bigger, better and brighter things that won't disrespect me and then attempt to sell me a sob story."

Well now that you mentioned BPD (borderline personality disorder, not bipolar as I first thought), I've looked into it and I'm 95% sure she has a more than mild case of it which would explain a lot of her traits and things she would do in our relationship. She was easily angered, impulsive, and always played the victim even when she did something wrong. She would always try to turn the tables on me when she was in the wrong.

 

I knew nothing about BPD, and wish I had known before getting into a relationship with her.

 

 

Trust me, I want to reply to her so bad to tell her what she did to me was one of the worst things to ever do to a person but I can't. I've been NC for an entire month and that would just break it and I fear I'd go back to square one. I did tell her off when I last talked to her though and I regret it. I told her that I would have never done what she did to me to her, that I never did anything nearly this bad in our relationship and she could have cared less. I was in a rage so I also called her a hoe (she would call all girls hoes), a hypocrite, and a liar but again she wasn't phased. She was on the defensive, she didn't care about how I was crying, about my feelings or anything so I just hung up on her.

[ta777]

TA, I agree with with Joe and Pointless that the behaviors you describe -- e.g., clingy, vindictive, self centered, irrational anger (i.e., strong abandonment fear), rapid flip between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), lack of remorse (always being "The Victim"), and inability to trust you -- are some of the warning signs for dysfunctional behavior, particularly for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest you read the BPDfamily articles Joe recommended, as well as the experiences he shares in his thread at She Cheated and I Left.

 

Your friend probably is thinking of bipolar disorder, which typically shows up at age 25. The range for age of onset is 18-30 for bipolar. For BPD, however, the distorted thinking is believed to begin at age 3 or 4. Actually, every person on the planet has that same distorted thinking because it is produced by the primitive ego defenses we all rely on for survival during early childhood. Yet, whereas most people are able to acquire more mature ego defenses as they emotionally mature, the BPDers typically experience a trauma (and/or a genetic predisposition) that freezes their emotional development at the level of a four year old. The result is that, usually starting at puberty, they will exhibit strong BPD traits.

 

This is not to say, however, that you would see many of those traits during your early courtship period. As long as the BPDer's infatuation with you remains in place, it will hold her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. That is, because she truly believes you are the nearly perfect man who has come to save her from unhappiness, it is extremely unlikely you would have started triggering her fears until that infatuation started to evaporate -- which typically occurs about 4 to 6 months into the relationship.

 

If you are interested in learning how to spot BPD red flags, I suggest you take a quick look at my list at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join Joe in discussing them with you. I was married to my BPDer exW for 15 years. Take care, TA.

I've have started to read the articles at BPDfamily and the forums as well, thanks!

 

Yea, we had both been thinking about bipolar because her mom has it. I thought BPD stood for bipolar depression. I knew she wasn't at the maturity level for her age but I didn't think much of it. My mom would even tell me that she acted immature at times, especially when she was around her younger cousin. You mention that trauma could have frozen her emotional development. She had a pretty rough life and still does I'd say. She is a product of an affair in between a marriage. Her dad initially wanted no part in her life and she knows this. Eventually the dad came into the picture but he isn't the greatest father. He is always away travelling and while travelling has been known to cheat on his wife (ex gf's step mom). He never stopped cheating and in fact just separated from his wife a few months ago because he had another relationship on the side. Now her mom suffers from bipolar (manic depression) and hadn't been on pills till recently. She doesn't have a great relationship with her mother either. The mom basically comes home every day and locks herself in her room without talking to her. She wouldn't cook for my ex, wouldn't really talk to her or anything. My ex would tell my mom that she felt like she couldn't talk to her own mom about her issues or anything really so instead she would talk to my mom.

 

It sounds like she is in that stage right now with this new guy. He is her knight in shining armor who has arrived to make her feel better about herself and to make her happy. I feel bad for the guy because he has no idea what he's in for. I don't even think he knew she was in a relationship when they started going out to be honest just as I didn't know. She told me that he knew everything about me, and that he didn't care. I'm pretty sure she was lying to protect herself.

 

I read your list, and wow. I would say that she had most if not all of those traits. I'll be sure to read your other thread right now.

 

Thanks for your response!

[ta777]

Okay, lets go over a few things and the bold.

 

 

Number one, if someone has to go out of their way to TELL you how happy they are, then chances are, they're not THAT happy.

 

 

The novel on tumblr is to try and convince herself that she made the right choice. If she was that happy, she wouldn't need to compare her relationship. If she was happy, there would be NO NEED to compare it. She would just be happy and wouldn't need a reason to justify it.

 

 

So, you watched porn. There's are worse things in the world! You watched porn, but she was screwing some guy behind your back, and YOU'RE the bad guy?!?! She says that this is all your fault and you brought it all on yourself. That is what we call blameshifting. Making the demise of the relationship entirely your fault and not admitting any fault of her own. Nevermind that she cheated on you, it was still your fault. *puke*. Dude, you didn't force her to cheat, that was a CHOICE she made, you had nothing to do with that.

 

 

You are not in charge of her happiness. We are in charge of our own. Did she expect you to walk around dressed as a clown and juggling balls to make her smile 24/7?

 

 

She was constantly trying to find dirt on you. Looking through your phone and GPSing you. Do you know why? Purely out of guilt. she felt guilty about what she was doing to you. Therefore, she was searching for ANYTHING that would ease her guilt and justify her own cheating on you. She would break up with you and guarantee you she was in his bed the same night she broke it off with you. No mourning the loss of you or the relationship. She probably thought to herself, "You know, I wouldn't be here right now if he wasn't such a jackass." But, the only things she could nail on you was porn. If looking at images on a screen is the worse thing you did...well, I could think of about 50 worse things you could have done to justify a break up. She was just looking for ANY excuse.

 

 

So, why is she doing this other stuff like posting pics and leaving sappy comments? Because, she mad at you. She's mad because you're not giving her what she wants and that's to unload her guilt off on you. And when she found out that wasn't working is unloads on you through a text.

 

 

So, here's what YOU need to do. YOU need to get your revenge! And the best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good life!

 

 

Start making positive changes in your life. Get a new hairstyle and a new wardrobe. Something that people are going to notice and like. Then, get to the gym. Run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. Eat right and get plenty of sleep and you'll work off that stress and frustrations this is doing to you, PLUS working on that hard and ripped bod that girls definitely like!

 

 

Then, get some new hobbies. With new hobbies, there usually clubs in your area with people that have a shared interest. JOIN THEM! Get out there and meet new people! So, join a running club or a cycling club. Co-ed sports or diving lessons. Cooking course or photography club. STAY BUSY!

 

 

And above all else. TRAVEL! Travel around and see what's out there! If there's a place you always wanted to visit, save and make a plan, then GO! Have adventures!

 

 

And probably one day,your Ex is going to get curious and creep on your instagram or Facebook and she's going to see YOUR pics and say to herself, "Wait, is that him surfing in Southern California? Is that a pic of him snowboarding in Utah? Is that a pic of him in the Bahamas?!?!"

 

 

Wouldn't it be a nice thought if she saw a pic of you finishing a dive off of the Great Barrier Reef and she see's a pic of you with your arm around your dive partner that just happens to be a blonde haired blue eyed Aussie girl that looks fantastic in a wetsuit?

 

 

That's how you get your revenge and you didn't even need to brag about it!

That's pretty much what I figured. She is trying to hurt me by telling me this and to be honest it works. I think to myself, "why couldn't I be the one making her happy?"

 

From what I hear the tumblr post seems to have been written while drunk, high or both. She directly addresses me in the post while also directly addressing the new guy (weird). She also directly compares us to each other (we both have the same name oddly enough). I'm curious to see all that she wrote and apparently it is a really long read, but I feel it'll just hurt me more and wouldn't be worth it. I would be letting her win by reading it.

 

I agree that her cheating is entirely on her but my heart still feels as if my actions are what led up to her cheating. I know this isn't the right mindset but the heart feels what it wants. Porn was one of our biggest issues, something we never agreed on but according to the text she sent 2 days ago that isn't why she did what she did. She said it was because I never listened, didn't care about her feelings and didn't give her the attention and affection that she needed. I wish she would have talked to me about these things but she didn't. I guess it didn't matter though because she has always been who she is, a cheater.

 

Thanks for the laugh! ... But yea she would basically it was my job to make her feel better about herself, to keep her happy. I honestly felt like I tried but it was so difficult to keep up with her. It was never enough no matter what I did.

 

Her keeping tabs on me was nothing new, she had been doing it for years. I don't know if she had been cheating on me before all of this but it was something she had always done. I also remember her telling me that she knew I would mess up again in the future and that she was just waiting for that time. I do agree that she was looking for an excuse to ease her guilt around early November when she broke it off with me through an email of all things. She broke it off because I logged into instagram when she had banned me, ridiculous, I know. Having been through this with her I thought it wasn't serious and during our 3 week break we had still been seeing each other and going out. She even told me she would take me back if I just showed I cared and said I was sorry. She said it was that simple! Little did I know this guy had already been in the picture for 2 months. She led me on all the way to end when I found out about her and this guy, denying she was cheating, even willing to still give me a chance! We went on a date 2 weeks prior to me finding out and she didn't want to let me go home, she begged for me to stay. She even cried, kissed me and told me she loved and missed me. Another thing she had been doing was using me for money towards the end, she made me pay for her doctor's appointment, her meds, she even wanted me to pay for her books for school! She had no shame. She made me feel used.

 

I honestly thought she was trying to get in contact with me to apologize for what she had done but like you said she was just mad. All she did was blame me and say sorry for texting me. I can't believe how distorted her reality is.

 

Trust me, I'm working on pretty much everything you suggested. I'm trying to gain weight back that I've lost from this before I start working out. I also have plans to go to San Francisco this weekend. I look forward to rediscovering myself in this stage of my life.

[ta777]

OP,

 

 

For what it's worth I ended up checking my blocked filter today for the first time since I turned it back on.

 

 

I got a nonsensical text saying, "If your texting my friends from a non text number. You need to.stop Stop being so immature."

 

 

This is the type of garbage you will deal with even after you have told them off a thousand times over. I was in bed asleep with my new main squeeze (100x upgrade) at the time she sent it.

 

 

I won't be responding even to make fun of her. I know she sent it to get a response out of me. It won't work. You will get there too.

Exactly, they want to be acknowledged and receive a response from you! Like I said earlier, I've been NC for a month and I do not want to give her the satisfaction of being heard.

 

I regret deleting her contact which unblocked her from my phone because she called to check if she was still blocked. She noticed she wasn't and sent me that text blaming her actions on me. I feel like now she feels accomplished in her goal of reaching out to me to blame me. The last thing I want is for her to get what she wants and that's my attention and acknowledgement.

[Downtown]

Yea, we had both been thinking about bipolar because her mom has it.

TA, if she exhibits most BPD traits at a strong level, that does not rule out her also having bipolar. A recent study found that, for female BPDers, about 42% also have co-occurring bipolar. Specifically, 33% have bipolar-1 and 9% have bipolar-2. If you're interested, you may want to take a look at my description of the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and those of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.

[ta777]

TA, if she exhibits most BPD traits at a strong level, that does not rule out her also having bipolar. A recent study found that, for female BPDers, about 42% also have co-occurring bipolar. Specifically, 33% have bipolar-1 and 9% have bipolar-2. If you're interested, you may want to take a look at my description of the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and those of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.

by the looks of it I dont think she has bipolar but BPD seems to be almost certain.

 

I broke today guys and looked at her tumblr novel. Honestly, I am hurt. Not as hurt as I would have been before but still nonetheless. I'm a little shaky right now and don't know if I'll regret reading it later but here is the post for you guys to read. She posted this on the day that would have been our anniversary (surprise, surprise) the day I ignored her call.

 

 

The time in Texas she is referring to is when she went away to university for a year. She came back from school early because I had found out she was lying to me about going out. She would say she was asleep but instead be at frat parties getting high and drunk. When I found out I ignored her for a time being and that's when she hopped on a plane to see me. She also blames me for her giving up her education, which isn't true. She had lost her scholarship for having a GPA below 3.0. I find it funny that she tries to put that one on me.

 

The next post was shorter and with another picture of them holding hands together:

 

Keep in mind these posts are from a 21 year old "woman". I'm hurt but I'm also sort of laughing at the ridiculousness of her posts. She's "in love" with the guy after 3 months for one.

 

All this hate in her I would have never known about cause she didn't talk to me about it. Like I said before, all this time she would tell me she loved me. Even the last time I spoke to her she said she loved me but wasn't in love with me. She even left me a message saying she cared for me and hoped I was doing okay! I feel like telling this guy that she's a cheater, that she keeps calling me and who she really is but I'm not sure if that's in my hands.

Edited January 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for Anonymity

[ta777]

Sorry I didn't know I wasn't allowed to post her blog post.

 

In summary her posts were this:

 

Her post basically was her saying she was in love with this new guy. They've been going out for 3 months and shes in love already apparently. (lol). She talks about how I never changed for her and how this guy did. How he makes her feel beautiful and how she deserves to be treated like a princess. Apparently I never did that for her. She also says that She had to beg me to make her feel beautiful and that I still never did it but that this new guy does it all for her. She continues to address me directly about a bunch of other issues she apparently had.

 

She also talks about how she wasted 4 years of her life with me. How she gave up her university education (away for one year) for me when she left school early when she was half way across the country. She came back from school early because I had found out she was lying to me about going out. She would say she was asleep but instead be at frat parties getting high and drunk. When I found out I ignored her for a time being and that's when she hopped on a plane to see me. She also blames me for her giving up her education, which isn't true. She had lost her scholarship for having a GPA below 3.0. I find it funny that she tries to put that one on me.

 

At the end of her post she describes them kissing and them having sex. Obviously trying to hurt me. How they have instant chemistry when their lips touch. How when he is inside her (her words) its more than just sex, its making love. How he makes her so happy and that she will do all she can to make him happy.

 

 

The next post was shorter and with another picture of them holding hands together:

 

She talks about how he kisses and licks her fingers. How he "plays" with her and makes her giggle. That she is in love with him and wants to be with him forever.

[Downtown]

I broke today guys and looked at her tumblr novel. Honestly, I am hurt.

TA, if she has strong BPD traits as you believe, it is to be expected that she will flip between Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). BPDers are notorious for "rewriting history." Because they have such fragile self images that they cannot tolerate ambiguities and strong mixed feelings, they typically allow their conscious mind to be in touch with only one set of feelings (loving or devaluing you) at a time. BPDers thus tend to accept their intense feelings as self evident "facts."

 

She also blames me for her giving up her education, which isn't true. She had lost her scholarship for having a GPA below 3.0. I find it funny that she tries to put that one on me.

Like I said, BPDers are notorious for rewriting history. And, because this rewriting usually occurs entirely at the subconscious level, a BPDer typically will be absolutely convinced it is the truth.

 

She's "in love" with the guy after 3 months for one.

Because a BPDer is unable to regulate her own emotions (absent years of therapy), she will frequently experience feelings so intense that she is absolutely convinced they MUST be true. Hence, when a BPDer becomes infatuated with a new partner, she likely will be convinced -- in only a few weeks -- that she is absolutely "in love" with him. And, as you found out the hard way, he can be removed from that pedestal even more quickly. The result is called "black-white thinking."

 

All this hate in her I would have never known about cause she didn't talk to me about it. Like I said before, all this time she would tell me she loved me.

If she is a BPDer, it would be a mistake to believe her outpouring of hate is proof she never really loved you. Generally, BPDers are very caring, loving individuals (although their love tends to be very immature, like that of a young child). Hence, her now being in touch with her bad feelings toward you does NOT indicate you were never loved. Rather, it likely indicates only that she has flipped from splitting you white to splitting you black. If you're interested, I explain that in greater detail in Rebel's thread -- which I provided a link for above.

[Chi townD]

Sorry I didn't know I wasn't allowed to post her blog post.

 

In summary her posts were this:

 

Her post basically was her saying she was in love with this new guy. They've been going out for 3 months and shes in love already apparently. (lol). She talks about how I never changed for her and how this guy did. How he makes her feel beautiful and how she deserves to be treated like a princess. Apparently I never did that for her. She also says that She had to beg me to make her feel beautiful and that I still never did it but that this new guy does it all for her. She continues to address me directly about a bunch of other issues she apparently had.

 

 

 

Wow! What a frickin Diva!!! Okay, let's break this down.

 

 

Talks about how you never changed for her. Okay, that means that she wanted you to "change" into that other guy. Be more like him. Sorry, if you make changes in your life, it's because YOU want to do it for yourself and no one else.

 

 

Never made her feel beautiful and she deserved to be treated like a Princess. Well, dude. You got with one of the few girls in the entire world that wants to be placed on a pedestal. Most girls don't want to be placed on a pedestal. Because sooner or later, they'll realize that they're looking down on you. And that's when they realize that they can actually step on you from that height. Most girls want to be by your side. Not on a pedestal like a trophy. A partner to you walking through this world side by side and hand in hand. So, her problem is that you would let her walk all over you.

 

 

You didn't make her feel beautiful. Okay, I will admit that throwing a compliment to a girl is important. But, do you know what is equally important? Ensuring that your man feels desired by you. Betcha she never did that. Why do I know this? Because she was too busy being a Diva Bitch to realize that the door swings both ways. It's all about her and what people give her.

[EgoJoe]

Disordered or non disordered Chi has touched on something so incredibly valid that it invalidates ninety percent of her BS without even needing to consult the facts.

 

 

You can do bad on your own. But you'll probably do well.

[ta777]

I was starting to feel a little better in the past week but everything went downhill after today.

 

Today is my first day of school, and not even 2 minutes in, I see them together. I now know what was happening. I didn't know he came to the same school. Looking back through messages she told me once that she went out to get lunch with her cousin and his friend (this guy). She laughed about the fact that we had the same name and she even asked if I was jealous or had a problem with it. I trusted her so I told her no. Now I know that she was actually going out with this guy since the first week of school of the fall semester. I can't believe she was going out with two guys at the same time at the same school. I would hang out with her almost every day.

 

After seeing them, my heart dropped. My heart started pacing fast and I started to shake. I feel like an anxiety attack is coming along and I don't know what to do or how to handle myself right now.

[ta777]

TA, if she has strong BPD traits as you believe, it is to be expected that she will flip between Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). BPDers are notorious for "rewriting history." Because they have such fragile self images that they cannot tolerate ambiguities and strong mixed feelings, they typically allow their conscious mind to be in touch with only one set of feelings (loving or devaluing you) at a time. BPDers thus tend to accept their intense feelings as self evident "facts."

 

Like I said, BPDers are notorious for rewriting history. And, because this rewriting usually occurs entirely at the subconscious level, a BPDer typically will be absolutely convinced it is the truth.

 

Because a BPDer is unable to regulate her own emotions (absent years of therapy), she will frequently experience feelings so intense that she is absolutely convinced they MUST be true. Hence, when a BPDer becomes infatuated with a new partner, she likely will be convinced -- in only a few weeks -- that she is absolutely "in love" with him. And, as you found out the hard way, he can be removed from that pedestal even more quickly. The result is called "black-white thinking."

 

If she is a BPDer, it would be a mistake to believe her outpouring of hate is proof she never really loved you. Generally, BPDers are very caring, loving individuals (although their love tends to be very immature, like that of a young child). Hence, her now being in touch with her bad feelings toward you does NOT indicate you were never loved. Rather, it likely indicates only that she has flipped from splitting you white to splitting you black. If you're interested, I explain that in greater detail in Rebel's thread -- which I provided a link for above.

I've been reading a lot about BPD over the last few days and I'm convinced she has some form of it. Your list of 18 traits was pretty much spot on. She had about 16 of those traits. Rebel's thread was also very similar to my situation. She always had her little temper tantrums, she was controlling, manipulative, immature (in my eyes), and was always the victim even when she did something wrong.

 

For instance, one time we were hanging out with her friends and her friend spilled the beans about her getting drunk and high a few nights prior. I had known nothing about it and apparently she was with a group of guys as well. When her friend said that my ex said "I think you meant I was drinking." The friend then said, "No, I saw you. You were high and drunk". After her attempt to lie failed she put her hand on her face. After that I got up and walked to the kitchen and she followed me, crying, telling me she was sorry and for me not to leave her. I asked her why she had tried to lie and why she did it. She said it was cause of our relationship issues and that she just needed it to feel better. Basically saying she was a victim of me and that I pushed her to it. In my head, I was angry, but I didn't take it out on her, I never thought about leaving her either but she was so afraid I would. I'm guessing this is her abandonment issues in conjunction with her playing the victim.

 

She would do the push/pull thing often as well. If she would push I wouldn't play her games and just ignore her. When I did that she would say I didn't care about her or love her because I didn't try to get her back. When I would actually try to get her back she wouldn't have any of it. I began to get tired of her games and just started to ignore her in times like that until she cooled off and apologized.

 

We would often get into fights for minor things. Things I thought were ridiculous or just plain stupid. One time we went out for boba/bubble tea and they told her they ran out of the boba. I then told her to get the refund instead and we'd go get boba somewhere else. She said she would deal with it. We get to the car and she started to complain saying it wasn't what she wanted and for me to just drink it. She was acting like a child. I then reminded her that I had told her to get the refund and she refused. She ended up throwing a temper tantrum and getting mad at me. I ignored her for a while at her house and she began to cry and play the victim again.

 

You're absolutely right. She said she wasted all those years with me and that she wasted her university education. I know I explained this earlier but its funny cause she not only lost her scholarship, but she still had the option to go back but she stood instead. According to her though she lost it because of me.

 

That indeed I did find out. It's sad because I feel now that the person I loved and thought I knew never actually existed. It was all a facade. The person she is now is not who I knew, she's a monster. A monster who still continues to hurt me after cheating on me and leaving me for someone else. I'm assuming that this is also another trait of BPD?

 

From what I've read a lot of BPD partners end relationships by either just disappearing or replacing you with someone else. I'm assuming this is because they can't be by themselves?

 

While I don't doubt that she ever loved me she still used me. I was essentially a taxi for her since she didn't drive, a free meal (I paid a lot) and just someone with the duty of making her feel better. She used me while she was about to leave me, I took her to the doctor, paid for it because she asked. I took her to get her prescription and paid for it, I even paid for an expensive dinner 2 weeks before she left me. She even had the nerve to ask me to pay for her textbook a few weeks before it all. It was never about what I wanted or felt. I never saw the issue though because I don't need another person to make me feel better about myself and I wasn't that needy I guess. I had self-confidence and esteem until now and I know I'll be back to that point in time.