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Can anyone make sense of this for me?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
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Old 31st December 2014, 1:18 AM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Can anyone make sense of this for me?

4yrs ago my wife of 22yrs left me after suffering 3 miscarriages. We had 2children already although she nearly died in her 1st childbirth in which our baby was born 3 months prem. Needless to say she got depressed and had separation anxiety with our 2 children. She got involved in 3 churches with extreme views. I grew increasingly concerned about her obsessive focus and her being counselled by 2 non qualified ppl. They revealed to her via repressed memory that her father (dying of cancer at the time) had sexually abused her at around 3yrs of age. This was a bombshell without anything to back it up and had no memory of it. With further counselling, my wife’s expectations of me and the faith I needed to follow grew so high I was doomed to not measure up. She started saying I was an alcoholic and had anger management issues. We did start to argue over her increasing church involvement and changing views and regrettably I did swear at times. My ex told friends she didn’t believe in divorce, but needed a 6 month temp break to strengthen our relationship giving me time to go to courses for ‘selfimprovement’. Our relationship issues were apparently all my fault.


My wife told me said she would move out but never restrict my time with the children. When I said I wanted shared equal time with them her sep. anxiety kicked in and her having been an ex social worker specialising in domestic violence and child protection, my nightmare begun. The church (whom I had criticised) rallied around her, she disappeared with the kids when I was away on business refusing to tell me where she and the children were. Her family and friends couldn’t understand her behaviour. She befriended ppl who didn’t know me and my ex would tell anyone who would listen that I was very violent. Given the bizarre circumstances the court ordered an urgency hearing and I regained limited overnight access to my children. However it took another 3 yrs and so much money to gain shared care with my children (which they wanted all along). In her desperate efforts to prevent that, she falsely accused me of horrific offences against both her and our children. She was forced to study to receive Govt benefits,but that resulted in her rebalancing her life somewhat and moving finally outof the clutches of the extreme churches.


In confidential mediation (outside of court) she said she wanted to talk about reconciling and felt trapped by the court system. She was afraid as she over stepped the mark in an attempt to get me to change. We agreed to commit to counselling once court was over. I wanted this all along as I saw her caught in a cult, trapped, but emerging out of it. We actually continued to have sporadic times of intimacy during the 3 yr court battle. I offered fair offers to end it but she wouldn’t budge in allowing the children any more time with me. So the Court trial went ahead but went very poorly for her – she was berated by the Judge after admitting to being reckless with the truth in making heinous false accusationsagainst me. The court ordered equal time with both parents – something she fought from the outset. A few weeks after that decision she filed for Divorce, refused any mediation regarding reconciliation, saying she was too busy etc. She kept the children’s hopes alive promising them she would talk about us reconciling. About 6 months ago she was casually seeing another man, but she always said he was only a work colleague. I felt it was her place to tell the children the truth. No doubt she has every right to repartner but the lies to the children were unnecessary and just left them with false hope. I confronted her a few weeks ago about it as they were becoming more vocal to me about mum’s ‘friend’ and fearful of what that might mean for them. She’s now confessed the 2 of them are very keen on each other and looking at repartnering.


Do you think it was the court judgement that threw away any hope of reconciling, or was she playing me all along? Not sure why I want to know this but the whole ending of our marriage was sudden, started under bizarre circumstances, and we were soul mates and best of friends before the children and miscarriages occurred. She now refuses to talk about it and even rejected a mediation session to amicably say goodbye –the way our marriage ended was me coming home to a near empty house one night with only the wedding album left on the bed, and no contact details or explanation. Seems a sad way to end, and promising reconciliation to talk after court, only to then not follow thru’ is confusing and hurtful. All she would say is that there has been too much hurt caused during court - yet my affidavits were all about the kids and how much we did together with justa passing comment about her faith being what I would call extreme and led to our arguments. her affidavits however were opposite, all about me and how allegedly bad I was but without one piece of evidence to back any of it up. The hurt from court, I can assure, was all one way there. So I donl understand her comment. if I can forgive her (knowing the place she was in) then why can't she?


Also, how should I best deal with this now. I have to have weekly contact thru’ school and support as we have shared care. So it makes it hard to forget her and move on. The children complain to me about her new boyfriend and that doesn’t help me either. There's so much hypocracy that want to pont out, but I guess that is NOt the way to go? Would feel much bette though getting it off my chest. What purposes does holding it back have?
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