She needs a "break" to work on her career...

[PizzaMuffin]

She “want’s to see if we can take a break”

 

Hi all. This is my first post. I’ve been going through something for around a month, and looking for some solid advice. Sorry in advance for the long read. I try to be as detailed as possible.

 

Around a month and a half ago, my girlfriend and I are Skyping. We live a few hours from eachother so we don’t get to see eachother as often as we’d like, BUT still quite a bit. We both were catching up on our days and then she says “I need to ask you something. Do…you think we could take a break for a bit?” She then breaks down in tears and tells me she’s been stressed with her career not going where it’s going, and she doesn’t know what to do. She’s working multiple jobs, car keeps breaking down, and she’s barely had any money to support herself. She stops and tells me VERY clearly “I don’t want to break up! I don’t want to break up! I just need to get myself straight” I agree with her tell her whatever she needs to get back on her feet. Honestly, I thought the break could do us good since we’ve both been stressed out so much lately. We went over a few of our problems we’ve had, nothing too major (at least I hope) I’ve been terrible at telling her how I feel and being up front with her. I’m not a very confrontational guy, but she knows I’m crazy about her. We end the call on a VERY good note, telling eachother “I love you with all my heart” and then texted eachother pictures of us together after the phone call.

 

A bit of background on us. We’re both the same age, 32. We met 10 years ago (my Mother was actually trying to set us up) but it didn’t pan out because we were both so busy but we remained casual friends. She’s an actress and my mother is actually her talent agent She moved away for several years, I ended up traveling the US for a few years but we said hello every now and then. Flash forward to last year. She moved back to the same state as I, about 2 ½ hours away and comes to the same city I’m located in fairly often, where her parents also live. We start hanging out, having dinner and drinks, nothing serious and it was just a friendly kind of thing. A few months later we go out when she gets back from an out of state project she’s been working on. We have drinks, laugh, and start dancing. I go for it and kiss her. It’s exactly what I was waiting for, and she even said “I’ve been waiting for that for so long” So we proceed to date. We travel back and forth to see eachother and actually get to spend TONS of time together. We go hiking, see live music, nights watching Netflix, etc. We went on a trip to Colorado together a few months later and traveled around for about a week. I rented us a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and it was amazing. It was the first time I told her I loved her. We had an amazing trip together, and proceed to have many more months of happiness. I’m the first serious relationship she’s had in over 10 years. She only dated on and off since that point, but nothing serious. I’m the first guy she’s told she loved in a LONG time. The past few months had a few conflicts, mainly on my part. We both got busy, and I got kinda snappy a few times mainly because we didn’t get to see each other as much. We worked it out though. We went to Portland on another amazing trip and had a blast. There was a very minor argument, or more of a discussion really because I felt like we hadn’t been as close (i.e. no sex, felt like she wasn’t as romantic as myself) We got back from Portland and everything was doing fine. I came down to see her while I was playing a live show on the following weekend. Her car had broken down, and I had to fix it while I was there. I also loaned her some money to help pay for her acting classes so she wouldn’t fall behind. She was beyond grateful for everything I had done and had to rush out the door for a shoot a few hours away she was already running late for.

 

A few days later is when we had the “Take a break” conversation I had mentioned earlier. I did No Contact thinking it would help her focus on what she needs to take care of. A few weeks later (which was a few days before Thanksgiving) I sent her a text with a pic of us that said “I know you’re busy, I just wanted to tell you I love you and miss you” I didn’t hear back from her until the next day, but she said “I love and miss you. This def isn’t easy, but I need to figure some things out and get back on my feet. I miss you” I realize sending the text was a BIG mistake on my part. Should have kept no contact. A few days later it was Thanksgiving and she wishes me a happy thanksgiving via text. The problem we have is I still have to have some sort of contact with her since I work for the talent agency that represents her, so I have to submit her for auditions and what not. She would always send me back emails saying “Here’s my audition! Let me know you got it okay. Hope you’re having a great day☺ “ I had to take a trip down to her area a week and a half later and she sent me a text saying “I have a shoot tonight, other wise I’d totally be there! Hope you kick some ass!” I send back a brief thanks response, and tell her I hope her shoot goes well. We have a few back and forth emails, ALL business related after that. A few weeks ago, it hits me that I don’t know where her and I stand. I start seeing less of her “likes” on my stupid Facebook post. My anxiety kicks in, and I’m afraid I’m going to lose her. I send her a text last week with “Hey you. I was just backing up some pictures and came across one of you skiing and it made me think of you ☺ You been doing okay?” I don’t hear back from her. The next day she has an audition due and emails me, and then immediately text me with “Sorry! I didn’t see this text! That was so much fun! (the skiing pic) Hope you’re doing well and happy holidays ☺” I try calling her to resolve a problem with the recording she sent me, and it goes to voicemail. She text me back “Sorry didn’t hear my phone ring! Did the audition come through okay?” I ask her to call me and she does. It’s the first time I’ve spoken with her since the “take a break” conversation. We talk business at first, and then I ask her if she’s doing okay. She says “About the same. It’s been hard. I really miss you, but I think it’s good we’re doing our own thing until we can get back to it” I agree and tell her about the good opportunities I’ve had come my way, and she tells me about hers. I hear her dog in the background and tell her I miss that little goober. She responds with “He misses you. He wishes you were here…” The conversation was casual, and she said she missed me again. I said I would like to talk more in the future soon and she agrees. It felt slightly awkward since we haven’t spoken in awhile, but it was still nice to hear her voice. I text her afterwards saying “It was great hearing your voice. Thanks for chatting for a bit. Sending good vibes your way and glad to hear good things are coming to you!” She sends me back the same kind of text. Lots of smiles and a few hearts and what not. I cut off contact again. This conversation was on the 23rd, so just a few days before Christmas. Christmas comes around, and my Mother receives a Merry Xmas text from her. I receive nothing. I text her later with “Merry Christmas to you and your family” and she sends me back “Merry Christmas to you and yours” with a little tree and flower emoticon. I was devastated when my mother heard from her, yet I had not. What’s making this more difficult is New Years day will be our one year anniversary. I’m heartbroken that I can’t see her. I don’t know what’s going on, and the only thing I know to do is to start No Contact again. This is the first relationship that I’ve actually given a damn about working things out with, no matter the problems. I honestly could see her and I spending our lives together, and going on many more adventures but my hope is fading and I’m in a bit of denial I’m sure. Is this break just a break? Does she want to work things out? She’s working with a new guy over the past few weeks, and of course the anxiety in me says she’s seeing him, but reality tells me she isn’t. I’ve known her for so long I really don’t think she’d see someone else unless she ended our relationship completely. Is she worried about the money she owes me? She is EXTREMELY career driven, which is why she hasn’t had many relationships. She had been talking about moving to Los Angeles to pursue her career. We had actually spoken about it before and told her when that time comes I would of course see myself there with her.

 

So here I am today. Riddled with stress, heartache, and uncertainty. I have no idea what she wants from me. I don’t even think she knows what she wants. I’m overthinking and obsessing about a ton of this, and I know I shouldn’t. Overall, I just need some good advice on how to go forward. I’m starting no contact again, started working out, and am turning my life for the better. I just want her to be by my side again going forward.

 

Any help, advice, ANYTHING you have is highly appreciated. Thank you all.

(PS….sorry I’m being such a whiny b**tch)

[Satu]

Long post, short reply.

 

You're right about no contact. Let her reach for you - you've made your wishes very clear. You seem to be a really nice guy, too

 

Just put your energies into yourself for the time being - your job, fitness, health seeking behaviours, etc and see what she does next. Uncertainty is always uncomfortable, but sometimes we need to tolerate it for a higher purpose.

 

Check into the peaceful loving place inside - you know where that is, and keep an open mind, trusting that the outcome will be whatever is best.

 

Spending some time in I-Don't-Know-Land can be quite purifying emotionally.

[PizzaMuffin]

Thank you for the kind words, Satu

 

I'm doing my best to focus on myself for the time being. Of course, I'm also reading relationship books, and YouTube videos (and this forum) for all the advice I can get. I really hope she does miss me and we're able to work through this. Abandoning a relationship that didn't have any serious issues is what's been especially difficult. What is meant to be, is meant to be. Either way, I'm going to continue to work through this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Long post, short reply.

 

You're right about no contact. Let her reach for you - you've made your wishes very clear. You seem to be a really nice guy, too

 

Just put your energies into yourself for the time being - your job, fitness, health seeking behaviours, etc and see what she does next. Uncertainty is always uncomfortable, but sometimes we need to tolerate it for a higher purpose.

 

Check into the peaceful loving place inside - you know where that is, and keep an open mind, trusting that the outcome will be whatever is best.

 

Spending some time in I-Don't-Know-Land can be quite purifying emotionally.

[PizzaMuffin]

One thing I also failed to mention was that during our "Taking a break" Skyping session, she said I had been absolutely amazing to her, and she felt like she was being a sh***y girlfriend. I wouldn't use those words, but she had just seemed distant from working with her job. I assured her that she has been amazing, and I'm still crazy about her.

[erklat]

She doesn't need a break from a relationship that you are not in position

To consume regularly.

 

Brace yourself for possibility of things going south. Do not push for resolve

of this situation.

 

Satu gives good advice, fulfilled own life separate from her and strong personal

boundaries will give you the best foundation for a meaningful relationship.

[lil hoodlum]

First mistake, agreeing to a break with no specified time-limit.

 

Second mistake, not talking about the ground rules of what is allowable and what isn't.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the first mistake could arguably be agreeing to a break in the first place.

[lil hoodlum]

And I am confused, sorry that was a massive wall of text to read.

 

Exactly how is this time apart suppose to help her with her career? What steps is she implementing to straighten things out? Does she even have a plan or does she no longer want to be co-cerned about you and just do what she want, when she wants?

 

 

I think you and your "girlfriend" need to have another talk to clarify things. I hate to say it friend, but I think she is just stringing you along or using this time apart to soften the blow when she ends things with you.

[coolheadal]

Long story there but I know it came from your heart to tell us what's going in your life right now. This women is career minded or career mindset person! So this means she really doesn't want anything to stop, or confuse or block her hard work efforts on her career. So right now it's Her + Career + You! Which would you choose if your were her right now? Sure you would go for Her + You! But she's not you so in her mindset it's Her + Career only!

[PizzaMuffin]

Sorry, I should have made mention of the time frame.

 

She actually said "just a week or so to get back on my feet" but yeah, that week is going on a month and a half. When I spoke with her the other day I said " I wanted to call sooner and see how you're doing, but didn't want to put pressure on you" and she said she appreciated that. I guess all and all I'm confused at how everything changed so fast. I made it a point to keep things casual the other day, and she's the one said she missed me. A few times actually. I'm preparing for the worst honestly, but having trouble letting go of this slight glimmer of hopes I kept getting. Probably just wishful thinking on my part.

 

 

First mistake, agreeing to a break with no specified time-limit.

 

Second mistake, not talking about the ground rules of what is allowable and what isn't.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the first mistake could arguably be agreeing to a break in the first place.

[PizzaMuffin]

She needed time to work more hours, and other jobs. She usually has about 3 jobs at any given time. Her eventual goal is to move to L.A. which we had discussed before, but haven't in awhile. I'm trying to give her space in hopes she figures her crap out. She's ALWAYS been career driven which is why she never has serious relationships. I'm the first one in a long ass time.

 

And I am confused, sorry that was a massive wall of text to read.

 

Exactly how is this time apart suppose to help her with her career? What steps is she implementing to straighten things out? Does she even have a plan or does she no longer want to be co-cerned about you and just do what she want, when she wants?

 

 

I think you and your "girlfriend" need to have another talk to clarify things. I hate to say it friend, but I think she is just stringing you along or using this time apart to soften the blow when she ends things with you.

[lil hoodlum]

I don't know man, if it were me and I "needed" a break from a relationship to get some things done, I would be totally transparent that I am indeed doing what I said I would be doing. I would update my significant other regularly and not blowing off text messages.

 

But as I said, that is me.

 

 

Sounds like to me that you have been demoted down to the bottom of her priority list.

Edited December 30, 2014 by lil hoodlum

[PizzaMuffin]

I agree completely. I guess that's why I'm so confused over it. When I asked her if she was doing okay the other day, she said she's doing about the same. Working her ass off and not able to catch a break. My whole family knows her well. Even my sister said she seems kind of down over the past month.

 

I'd like to think she would be upfront and honest if she wanted to end it. She's always prided herself to getting things out in the open. That was of my flaws that upset her was I had trouble being upfront. She's EXTEMELY point blank when she has to resolve an issue.

 

B][/b]

I don't know man, if it were me and I "needed" a break from a relationship to get some things done, I would be totally transparent that I am indeed doing what I said I would be doing. I would update my significant other regularly and not blowing off text messages.

 

But as I said, that is me.

[lolablue17]

This break is wrapped with so much hypocrisy, I really don't know what to start with...

 

In this "break" If she's sleeping with someone else is it considered cheating? I bet she thinks it's not cheating. There you go, a professional talent to blur the reality, as well as her acting talent.

 

The phrase "it's not a break up" translation is "don't move on because i want to keep you as an option, and in return I will tell you from time to time how much i miss you" - That's the deal.

 

I'd put my own 100$ and bet she's already sleeping with someone. She will agree to admit she's a serial killer than admitting her cheating in front of you.

 

I don't think you have more cards to play with now. I'd leave the table if i were you.

[USMCHokie]

Break up and don't look back. I will admit that I did not read more than the first paragraph of your novella, but I didn't need to as there is absolutely NO reason one would need to take a "break" from someone they want to be with for any reason whatsoever, be it personal or professional. None whatsoever.

 

Staying with someone while taking more jobs means you are still with that person and may not get to spend as much time with them...but you are still together...

 

In your particular case, since you guys are essentially doing a distance thing, I'd bet the farm that she met someone else local to her and is dating him. Your "break" will last as long as they are dating.

 

But generally speaking, waiting for someone during a "break" = you are desperate and lack self-respect and have no other options in terms of dating. No exceptions.

[lauri]

Ugh dude...seriously????

 

Call her right now and end things with her. Better yet, don't call and don't ever respond to her again.

 

I have this gut feeling what is happening...she found someone else and you're getting in the way. She's trying to figure it out with this person (will he commit? Is he an upgrade? Etc) and will keep you around as a safety net. Sounds fun and fair for you, doesn't it?

 

Either way man this means she's checked out with you...how could anyone go on a break with someone they truly are 100% convinced about and love? I'd say none. I'm hoping you take the advice and walk away from this now...this is not going to end well for you and you are going to be devistated.

 

If you must, wish her all the best in life but tell her you know of lots of other girls who wouldn't hesitate to commit with you...so you're gonna focus your time and efforts on one of them instead. Tell her you think she made the right choice and her career is going go REALLY take off now!

[erklat]

If you must, wish her all the best in life but tell her you know of lots of other girls who wouldn't hesitate to commit with you...so you're gonna focus your time and efforts on one of them instead. Tell her you think she made the right choice and her career is going go REALLY take off now!

 

I have three women actively pursuing a relationship with me and all are more attractive

than my ex was and and are fully committe . And guess what? I feel not half the chemistry

with them as I did with my ex.

 

How ungrateful is that?! I'd bang my head against the wall.

[Diezel]

She's EXTEMELY point blank when she has to resolve an issue.

 

Oh yeah, this thread is testament to how EXTREMELY point blank she can be.

 

Be done with her. Be professional in the work environment. But make sure the break is a permanent one. That's what she wants. Get on the same page.

[PizzaMuffin]

I'm making steps to move on without her. It's still killing me inside, but ultimately the ball is in her court. Her and I have had several talks about the importance of monogamy, so I doubt she's seeing someone else but I can't really worry about that unless she either tells me, or I point blank ask her. Which I plan to do, unless it's not a good idea?...

 

Either way, I'm spending New Years with a lady friend of mine. She's actually the woman I dated before my girlfriend and I got together. If the girlfriend wants to talk, I'm willing to listen but I don't expect it to go far. I guess just preparing for the worst and treat it like a break up.

 

But yeah, I agree....taking a break was probably not the best thing on our part. What happens, happens but I can't sit around waiting for things to get better.

[PizzaMuffin]

And by the way, thank you all for your responses. Some of it is what I wanted to hear, some of it wasn't but I'm taking it all into consideration. I wish I had joined this place sooner!

[Diezel]

Treat it like a break up, because it is.

[broken77]

"space to work on career"? Thats such bull****. 100%. A new year starts tomorrow, leave the garbage behind. I personally would not talk to her at all, unless she comes begging. read the NC guide if you haven't already

[USMCHokie]

I'm making steps to move on without her. It's still killing me inside, but ultimately the ball is in her court. Her and I have had several talks about the importance of monogamy, so I doubt she's seeing someone else but I can't really worry about that unless she either tells me, or I point blank ask her. Which I plan to do, unless it's not a good idea?...

 

Wrong. The ball is back on the ball rack in the gym office, out of play. Monogomy is irrelevant with someone you're not dating. I'm not monogomous with my next-door neighbor or my boss. Likewise, you can't be monogomous with her because you're not dating.

[PizzaMuffin]

UPDATE

 

So I got through New Years, received an email from her (mostly regarding business stuff) but she opened up and joked around a bit. I decided not to reply. I ended up spending New Years with the woman I actually dated before her. Had a good time, and the pain subsided for a bit, but then came back a few days later.

 

The past few weeks I've had no choice but to have limited contact with her due to the fact that I have to book her for auditions, studio sessions, etc. Last week she was in town to work a convention, which she also works with two of my friends I've known for 20 years. During that time I also had to book a studio session for her so we had to email back and forth. I decided to just play cool and act like nothing in the world is wrong. I ended my email with "How have you been? Working on anything fun lately?" That night she sent me a lengthy reply to some of her projects, and what's been going on but without getting too personal. She asked how I was and I wrote back with a bunch of the positive stuff that is happening in my life. Music, career advancements, losing weight/getting in shape, etc. A few days later in the mail I received a package from her. I opened it, and there was a picture she took of me several months ago at one of my gigs that she had blown up and made on to a screen print. No note, no card. Nothing. She also sent my mom (her agent) a card with a long message about how the past few months she's been struggling financially, and been overwhelmed. I sent her a text that just said "I have no words. Very thoughtful. Thank you". She texted me the next morning with a smiley face. A few nights later (Keep in mind, she's still in town at this point) She sent me a text telling me her Mom isn't doing too well, and she's unable to submit an audition that is due. I told her to just be there for her Mom, and not to worry about it, but I'll help if I can (I know...shouldn't have put it out there) She opened up to me a bit more, more than she has in months. The next day we texted a bit more about business, and things are casual. I decide to see if she's willing to meet up for a talk. I told her I know she has a lot on her plate, but if she can break free I thought it would be good to grab a quick drink and catch up for a few. She replied that she definitely would love to, but she's just going to spend time with her Mom right now, and next time she's in town she would really like to, and sends a few flowery emoticon thingies. I accept it, and let it go. We text back and forth joking around for a bit, just like we used to and that's that.

 

Yesterday, I got a text from her saying "Hi (flower emoticon) What's the total amount I owe u from the trip?" The trip that I paid for, and then loaned her money on the way back home from. I haven't responded, and don't want to talk about that over text. Seems a bit crappy.

 

I decided to go into counseling a week and a half ago to get me through this. I know that can be a dirty word, and seem weak to some people, but honestly this situation has done a number on me. This is the first relationship I've wanted to fight for, but it feels much like a one sided fight. Why the hell would she send me that picture? My councilor said "Okay, so she went through her phone, found a picture of you which she clearly hasn't deleted, had it blown up and made for you, and sent it to you? Not trying to say she's going to come running back into your arms, but that's not the kind of behavior of someone trying to get rid of you from their life" I've found out that she's currently working 3 jobs, taking a class, and working her ass off on her film career. No indication that she's seeing someone else at all. In other words, she's in HYPER-CAREER mode which is what she was like before her and I started dating. Hence why she never dated or had relationships before me. She always put her career first.

 

Alot of people, included people here have said to let it go, and if she'll contact you, she'll contact you. It's hard when it's limited contact due to business emails though.

 

Any thoughts on the gift, her opening up via text, etc? Relation****s are confusing. (Intentional type-o)

[lil hoodlum]

Relationships aren't confusing when two people want to be together.

 

It's confusing to you because you want to be with her. I would assume she feels differently.

 

About the gift, sounds like a nice gesture, but without a note or letter it sounds kind of impersonal.

 

 

Sorry I can't be more positive. I just don't get a very good feeling about this situation for you.

[PizzaMuffin]

Yeah, the situation isn't positive right now at all. Part of me wants to call her up and get closure, another part says leave it and don't call her ever, and the other part still has hope. I've had a bunch of women tell me about them taking a break for their relationship, and after a few months it helped them come back together even stronger. I've overanalyzed and over-thought every little detail since the break, and it's done nothing but harm me. Trying to move on, but dang it's been tough. Especially when everything changed so friggin' quick from a great relationship, to nothing.