Hurt and Dazed

[batt]

This will be quiet long, but I thank the people that read it and respond.

 

I want other peoples perspective on what happened. I've talked to friends about what happened. Most have agreed with me, but why am I still so torn about it?

 

I meet this girl while I was playing a game online. We create an instant messaging group with a few of the people we were playing with. We eventually find out we only live about 2 hours away. Everyone's talking and people start joking that we should meet. The thought of meeting hadn't really crossed my mind.

 

I commute from the job I have now to go up North to teach on the weekends so I was pretty busy. So I did this for about a couple of months, and every one kept joking asking if we've met up yet. I said no, then she says I'm scared because shes too much woman for me. She pretty much took the plunge to meet. So as a guy, that kinda hit my ego. So I give in, and we finally meet.

 

First meeting is going well we are laughing and we seem to have a good connection. I mean we're both foodies, we like video games and we both like teaching and have similar qualities. So through out the weeks we start texting and talking more, and shes talking about all these restaurants she always wanted to go to. So I told her we can go to one of them next time I drive by if she wants. So we agree on a place. The more we talk the more I think I could see myself dating her.

 

The weekend comes we're smiling, joking, and laughing with each other. At the end of the date we're standing next to her car and ended up kissing. She texts me that night that it completely caught her off guard, which isn't a bad thing, and it was fine. I tell her we can take it slow and she says slow is good. So we end up dating. We always split the costs. I would pay then she would pay for the next. We picked things I like to do and we did things she likes.

 

Eventually, she tells me she was raped when she was around 5 by her father. At that moment I was thinking holy crap. I asked her about it and she tells me how she had to get a restraining order for her father and that she considers her step father as her real one. I tell her if I ever do anything that bothers her to please tell me and I would stop.

 

Through out the relationship she always spoke of how socially awkward she is and that she doesn't know how to create relationships with people. She always spoke of how she was going to move out of her parents and get a good job and start over and everything. How extremely depressed she was because of how life has treated her. She always spoke of how she hated her mom, and has never had a stable relationship whether it be with guys or just friends in general. She spoke of how every boyfriend she has had has cheated on her, and the last boyfriend that cheated on her she ended up in a mental ward. She said she would just rather have people forget her, and not be a burden to people.

 

 

Now I see a lot of myself in her. I wasn't raped or anything. My father left me when I was about 3-4. My last memory of him was him making me sleep outside with the dog because I asked for food. So anytime I hear of a deadbeat dad I instantly hate his guts. I treat the women I'm with pretty well, because I have seen my mom in abusive relationships when I was younger and I love my mom dearly. I was and can still be socially awkward at times. It wasn't that I didn't know how to talk to people. I just didn't bother to get to know people. I stayed inside a lot, but the people that I did know I always kept in contact with. My friends mean the world to me. It wasn't until I met one girl. I was madly in love with her but she didn't reciprocate the feelings. Instead she strung me along and messed with my head. I told myself that I would never let another girl play mind games with me. One day I eventually stop hearing from her. About 6 months later she reaches out to me and apologized and we have been friends ever since. The one thing that she taught me was to be optimistic, and how I always keep that in mind.

 

Some of the things my current ex told me about herself were red flags such as being in a mental ward, and never having a steady relationship with anyone. When we were together it just felt right. She was really open with me, and I shared something extremely personal about me. She thanked me for telling her, and she asks questions about it people wouldn't ask unless they researched it. She said she didn't care. This is something I had not told friends and close friends about until recently. I told my best friend if I were to ever marry a girl she wouldn't care about it.

 

During our relationship, I always told her to stop being so negative and that shes a great person and I always complimented her. At first she didn't seem to respond, and it was like whatever to her. Eventually, she seemed more responsive and began responding with things like "Of course I am!" or "Well, duh!".

 

So everything seems to be going great. Until one day she tells me she has this fabulous idea of getting a hotel room and she wants me to stay. As a guy my first thought was sex! Up until this point sex hadn't entered the conversation. I mean I grabbed her ass a few times but that was about it. So we start texting and talking about sexual stuff. Then one day she tells me you better not disappear after this. I ask her why would I do that. She says you're a guy and that's what guys do.

 

The day finally comes and everything is going smooth the first night. I meet her family and they seem wonderful. We thought we rent some movies and just watch them together. We see the hotel doesn't have a dvd player, so we go back to her place and get her laptop. We rent the movies and we are on the bed just cuddling, hold hands and enjoying each others company.

 

The next day, she is on the computer playing video games all day. Yes, I was extremely annoyed. Then we go out for lunch. When we get back, we're on the bed and we're talking and I get on top of her, I see that she doesn't want to do it, so I didn't want to push it and got off. She says shes sorry and that she hasn't had sex in 4 years, and that she tried to get herself ready for two weeks but couldn't go through with it. I told her it was fine. She tells me that in high school she earned a nickname Mistress Mind....... She's 28 and I am 32 by the way.

 

So she continues to play the video game, and it upset me even more. I should have asked her to stopped. I eventually leave to watch the game. Yes, huge mistake I know that. I come back as soon as I realized I messed up and I apologize to her. So the rest of the day goes by and we're snuggling again on the bed until it was time to leave the room.

 

The next day, shes not really responding to me much. I didn't think anything of it because she has said she likes her space. Next day, she still hasn't responded to my texts or calls, so I log on to the game she says she isn't exactly happy with me and no she doesn't want to talk. So I give her space and ask her again a day later. Suddenly out of no where she says she doesn't want to date me any more.

 

At this moment I'm hurt, because I was blindsided by this. I ask her why, she doesn't tell me. She tells me when she got the hotel room she wasn't thinking about sex. I ask her then why did she respond to all the sexual stuff. She said she was sorry to mislead me and that she doesn't have her own place. In a fit of rage I asked her what was the point of the hotel. She just said I don't understand and that she knows she needs to grow up.

 

So I don't contact her again for a few days. I stopped by her work after she was off so I could talk to her and she wants nothing to do with me. I give her a week and I asked her is this her decision or her moms? No response. She always mentioned that her mom would question her decision about dating me because her mom does that with anyone she dates. I talked to a girl friend and she said I should give her more time but not to wait too long. My friend told me I should swallow all my pride and take blame for everything, which is what I did. So I bought her flowers from a florist this week specifically instructing them to say to her "I am sorry, please forgive me, and I know flowers and apologies wont be enough but please accept these." with a card that read " Have a Lovely day, Beautiful" Suddenly I get a message from her saying "listen, I know you're sorry and you want to be forgiven. But what you're doing needs to stop. Please accept that I don't wish to date you and move on."

 

In a fit of rage I asked her was anything I did so bad, that it caused her to end things so abruptly? She gave no indications if I was doing something to upset her. I said she should have communicated these things like adults. To end things over a game was childish.

 

My friends agree with me, and that I would be better off without her. But I'm still hurting and miss her so much. I'm just retracing in my mind where I went wrong and wishing I could retrace it.

 

Thanks to anyone that actually read this.

[EgoJoe]

All I see is a Cluster B nightmare you were lucky enough to not get sucked in by.

[batt]

I haven't even heard of that until now. Thanks

[Downtown]

Batt, I agree with Joe that childhood sexual abuse -- especially when it is done so early (age five) and by her own father -- is strongly associated with the development of strong traits of a personality disorder. If you are interested, I suggest you read about the warning signs for AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) to see if most of the red flags ring a bell. If so, I would be glad to join Joe in discussing them with you. Take care, Batt.

[batt]

How ironic this post is brought up as I'm expressing my agony lol

[batt]

I guess it's sad that I remember everything she wore, the dates of our dates, and the relative amount of each date was? What can I say I'm a hopeless romantic lol