Searching for solace

[Helium]

Hey guys, this is gonna be a long one.

 

I've been looking around these forums for a month or so and just can't find exactly what I'm looking for. I just need advice.

 

A little backstory: I had been dating this girl on and off for about four years (red flag already I know) when we started dating, she was 14 and I was 16. Now she is 17 and I'm 19. she wasn't the type of girl I was used to dating either. She was more outgoing and had a lot of friends and people that were interested in being with her. This didn't bother me at the time.

And I guess I didn't see it happening but my family had always said that she was mentally abusive towards me, looking back I can see where they might've gotten that as she always had to be right and she was never satisfied even though I provided her with everything (including picking her up to hang out and dropping her off, paying for food and dates, etc) I believe I got stuck doing all of that because I was the one with a job and a car and she didn't have either.

 

Four months ago, we decided to give it another shot. It had been exactly a year since the last break up and the first time I had seen her since then as well so I took it as a sign and went for it.

Everything was perfect, I was happy and she seemed to be happy as well. We did everything together, I was more comfortable than I had been when we were together before. My family had even let her stay at my house for extended periods of time.

I was so happy..then all of the sudden I woke up to a text saying that she just didn't love me anymore. Ugh. It split my heart in two and I ended up calling her only to end up crying on the phone while she listened. No empathy or anything

After I had composed myself I deleted her and blocked her off of everything, even blocked her number so she can't contact me.

 

 

So here I am four months later wondering why it still hurts me so bad. I don't even want to get back together with her or even see her or talk to her for that matter. I feel so stupid for believing that things would be different this time around. I also feel stupid for investing so much into it. She told me she needs time to work on herself; however when I do get an accidental glimpse into her life it just looks like she's partying all the time and hanging out with people she probably shouldn't. It hurts to think that she's enjoying her life full of drugs and booze and I'm just wasting mine being hurt over someone that couldn't care less.

[evanescentworld]

....So here I am four months later wondering why it still hurts me so bad. I don't even want to get back together with her or even see her or talk to her for that matter. I feel so stupid for believing that things would be different this time around. I also feel stupid for investing so much into it. She told me she needs time to work on herself; however when I do get an accidental glimpse into her life it just looks like she's partying all the time and hanging out with people she probably shouldn't. It hurts to think that she's enjoying her life full of drugs and booze and I'm just wasting mine being hurt over someone that couldn't care less.

 

It's hard to know what to respond with, seeing that you have basically summed everything up.

 

Do you think trying some Meditation would help?

I'm serious.

[Helium]

Yeah I suppose I could try it.

 

I feel like I'm going crazy, like this girl stole my identity and my sanity. She definitely crushed my pride and my ego in the process.

[evanescentworld]

Hence the pain.

This is what you need to work on then.

 

To tell yourself that you know different, that how this whole episode made you feel, is a lie.

It's untrue.

You are not that person.

 

Never abdicate your emotions and personal well-being to another person.

Who you are, how you feel, what you make of yourself, are all up to you.

Not her.

 

I hate to say this, but if this is the way you feel, it's because you are giving the memory of her, permission to make you feel that way.

She's no longer doing anything.

YOU - are perpetuating the way you feel.

You need to change your mind-set and realise you're building your esteem on a dishonest self-image.

[Chi townD]

Sounds like you've got way too much time on your hands. You need to keep busy! Have you thought about going off to university? Trust me, that's a whole new life for you with a lot of experiences to have.

 

 

If not, get new hobbies. Join clubs, get to know new people! Travel! Pick a place you've always wanted to see. Save up for it, make a plan and then....GO!!!!

 

 

The key is to just keep busy.

[Helium]

Sounds like you've got way too much time on your hands. You need to keep busy! Have you thought about going off to university? Trust me, that's a whole new life for you with a lot of experiences to have.

 

 

If not, get new hobbies. Join clubs, get to know new people! Travel! Pick a place you've always wanted to see. Save up for it, make a plan and then....GO!!!!

 

 

The key is to just keep busy.

 

 

 

Unfortunately I have a lot on my plate right now, I'm working two jobs and trying to get into school this January. I have a few good friends and see them often. I also spend a lot of time with my family.

 

I've been able to forget about it, but there are just some days where my emotions get the best of me and I just break down.

[Helium]

I hate to say this, but if this is the way you feel, it's because you are giving the memory of her, permission to make you feel that way.

She's no longer doing anything.

YOU - are perpetuating the way you feel.

You need to change your mind-set and realise you're building your esteem on a dishonest self-image.

 

Thank you for your words, and I agree I'm letting the memory of what was eat me alive. The grass is always greener right?

[Ieris]

You can either let the break up crush you or make you stronger. When you decide to stop letting this experience drag you down, you will gradually start to float up. It is totally your choice.

 

I know it's not easy, but it will pass believe me. I had my toughest break ups when I was 16 and 18. Looking back I was such a sweet girl but I've become so much stronger after those experiences. In some way I am glad that it happened as I learnt to deal with future relationships so much more easily.

 

Learn from this experience, you may feel weak or regret giving her a second chance but if you didn't, you may have always wondered "what if". You gave it a shot and it didn't work out, it's not your fault.

 

Focus on your own life, not hers. She is history so leave her behind and start looking forward x